Johnny Miller Must Get Tongue Cancer and Die

Okay. I take that back.

Just tongue cancer, where he loses his tongue, and then leads a long and prosperous life.




What. What?

I can't wish that? Not on anybody?

Oohhhh... Fine. I hope he doesn't get cancer. Of any kind.

But I sure wish that his bosses at NBC wake up and realize that his fan base consists of a few TV critics who don't know a dimple from a divot about golf, and the fellow NBC announcers who sniff his jock – probably out of pure fear that their own employment hinges on kissing his bitter old man ass.

Seriously. Who likes this guy? And why?

He is, in short, a RUINER. A guy who RUINS the otherwise sublime enjoyment of watching your favorite sport on TV. I put Miller in the same category as Dick Vitale, and Chris Berman. These guys RUIN events.

What makes Miller so awful? Let's count the ways.

1.He's old, bitter, and increasingly irrelevant.

He had 3 good – okay, great - years. They were 74, 75 and 76. After that, he won twice a year only one time, 1981. He's got 25 tour wins, made two Ryder Cups.

His two signature wins were majors, US Open in '73 where he shot 63 on Sunday (go ahead, ask him about it, he'll be glad to chat about it. No really, go ahead...) and the British Open in 1976 where he shot 66 on Sunday.

Not to discredit his career, but the pure stats of it are nothing extraordinary. To wit...

He's got the same number of majors as Hubert Green, Dave Stockton, Lee Janzen, and Mark O'Meara just to cherry pick a few “hey-how-bout-that” list.

His mere two Ryder Cups is one fewer than this incredible list with 3 (and counting in some cases): Chad Campbell, Chip Beck, Lou Graham, Jay Haas, Jeff Maggert, and J.C. Snead.

Yeah, at his peak, he was awesome. But a complete blackout in his ability to make simple 3 footers cut short what should have been a longer career. You know Miller is still bitter about it. And so he lashes out by way of the 18th tower.

Every time Miller points out that somebody is a “choker” it's his own self-loathing on display. Takes one, to know one. And for some reason, critics seem to laud this indiscriminate and often inaccurate willingness to say somebody choked.

2.He Won't …. Shut..... The..... Hell..... Up!

Any GOOD announcer doing sports on TV, knows when to LAY OUT and let a moment breathe, or let the pictures tell the story.

Miller does neither. He tramples every good moment of tension with endless babble from his A.D.D. Brain.

At times Miller sounded like the annoying kid in the Kobe-LeBron commercials.

“Hey, Roger, is that ball in the bunker.. I think he hit it a little fat.. how come Tiger's aiming over there... I don't know if we'll get this round finished... how hard is #10 here at Bethpage... I wouldn't use a long putter if I was Sergio....”

SHUT UPPPPPP!!!!!

3.He's Quite Often Wrong

It's okay for an analyst to be wrong. But you should aim to wrong as little as possible. That doesn't mean stripping your commentary of opinion, but rather making sure that when you say something you strongly believe, if you end up dead fucking wrong, it devalues your credibility.

Also, it helps to admit you were DFW when things turn against you. Don't just say, “hey I call 'em like I see 'em.” Actually say, “wow, I really missed that one.”

Johnny will just throw all kinds of divots at the wall during a round of golf, and if one of them sticks, he acts even more insufferably. Just like how he essentially “out-guessed” Al Roker on Saturday's weather.

In sum, he makes watching the US Open almost unbearable. I know literally NOBODY who plays golf who LIKES him. And I wonder how old and bitter he has to be before NBC realizes that ratings won't dip a bit if they replace him.

Ken Venturi held the 18th tower position for CBS for years. He was a joy to listen to during a tournament. He was humble, insightful, and never made the broadcast about himself.

I miss him more than ever.

Johnny Miller can simply suck it.