Suuuurre. Uh.... huh. Yep. That's The Story. Yep.

The truth doesn't need a publicist.

And Tiger Woods doesn't fear the Windemere PD.

So this one, is going to the grave. Or, at the very least, marriage counseling.

Given that I was... ahem... incorrect... ahem.. in my skepticism of the Erin Andrews peephole story, I will perhaps not push "all in" on this one.

But I'm still calling bullshit. Just like everybody else.

Let's see. So what you are saying is....

Tiger Woods...
Supreme athlete...
Crashes his car...
At low speed...
Leaving his own driveway...
Hits both a fire hydrant...
AND a tree...
Not hard enough to deploy the airbags...
But hard enough to leave him bleeding and unconscious...
At 2:27 a.m....
By himself...
On Thanksgiving...
His lovely wife Elin, hears the crash...
Grabs a nearby 8-iron...
Heroically smashes out the rear window...
And pulls her hubby to safety...

Now. Go home people. Nothing to see here.

Suuuuuuuurrrrrrrre.

Tiger's stance is predictable. It's how he rolls.

“This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me,” Woods said. “I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

“Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible,” he said.

“The only person responsible for the accident is me,” Woods said. “My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.”

Translation: "Pursue this at your own peril, sports media."

The real question now, is this. How long can this story hold water, before leaking? I mean, of course, unless it's true. But assuming it is not....

Because the story in my head, like most people's head... goes like this.

Elin chases Tiger out of the house over infidelity rumors by the National Enquirer. Smashes out window in a rage. Tiger, shocked and distracted, rolls into fire hydrant and tree. Hell, it might have been her that bloodied his lip.

Soooo.....

Lest that bit of uglyness get out there, jeopardizing millions in endorsements, while generating months worth of distracting media coverage, and forever tarnishing the impossibly clean image of Eldrick The Magnificient, we'll just stonewall.

What? What are you, Windemere PD going to do about it? What? What are you, Tim Rostaforte going to do about it? What? What are you, ESPN going to do about it?

Well. Let's wait and see. In the meantime, Kobe, could you please give Tiger a call. He might find that conversation useful.

Abe Pollin: 1923-2009

As a lifelong Washington D.C. area sports fan, I can only say "thank you". And may you rest in peace.

Your impact on this market will last forever.

You purchased the Baltimore Bullets from your partners in 1964 for a then-record $1.1 million. You moved them here, because you wanted to win a championship.

You built a then-state-of-the-art stadium with mostly your own money in Landover, Maryland. The "Cap Centre" was the fond site of so many great sports memories in my youth and my teens.

You delivered an NBA Championship in 1978. You went to another NBA Finals the following year.

You took on an NHL franchise in 1974 with the expansion Capitals. They are now the most exciting, best team in town. They almost left after two years. You helped save them.

You pushed to build the MCI Center downtown. Now the Verizon Center, it is the crown jewel of a totally revitalized quadrant of the city.

You had your own skin the game, on countless occasions. And while you were sometimes ripped for being cheap, or hopelessly old school, you ponied up for players like Gilbert Arenas and Antawn Jamison when letting them go would have been arguably justified.

You were too loyal to those around you for too many years. That's maybe the worst thing you can say about Abe. Too loyal. Wouldn't we all want that to be our biggest knock in life.

We made playful fun of you for photo ops like the infamous "Where's the cake" press conference. I have played the soundbite into the ground. We made the comparisons to you and Monty Burns.

I never felt these were mean spirited. You were ours. This is what friends do. Break balls every now and then.

You leave the basketball team to the best owner in town now, Ted Leonsis. This will be your last and perhaps best legacy.

Thanks Abe. Rest in peace.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Matthew Stafford is a "mah-uhn!" God bless YouTube!



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Redskins were "#1 in passing defense" going into the game against Dallas last week. I am sure you heard this a few times if you listened to Troy Aikman on Fox.

What Troy didn't tell you, that such a stat means jack squat.

For starters, when you rarely hold a second half lead, teams don't pass very much on you. Also, consider this.

Even though they were #1 in yards allowed.....

The Skins rushing defense ranked #24.
The Skins ranked tied for last in INTs.
The Skins defense has yet to score a TD this year.
The Skins pass defense has given up big plays all year.

And the opposing QB's have been dreadful. Only 2 of the 10 have been ranked in the Top 10 in passer rating.

L Eli Manning - 11th ranked QB
W Mark Bulger - 26th ranked QB
L Matt Stafford - 28th ranked QB
W Josh Johnson – (not ranked) QB rating of 50, would rank #32 with enough ATTs.
L Jake Delhomme - 29th ranked QB
L Matt Cassell - 22nd ranked QB
L Donovan McNabb - 8th ranked QB
L Matt Ryan - 20th ranked QB
W Orton/Simms – 14th ranked QB (Simms totally dysfunctional)
L Tony Romo – 12th ranked QB (Hurt in 1st quarter)

Look, there are "green shoots" with this defense. They are finally sacking the quarterback. Haynesworth, while absurdly expensive (and fat), makes them formidable up front. Fletcher continues to tackle with a vengeance. Orakpo is a certified beast.

But all in all, take that "#1 pass D" stat and shove it. If they hold Drew Brees and the Saints under 30 at home in two weeks, then I'll be impressed.

Sorry, Charlie

Charlie Weiss is about to be one big gutted fish at Notre Dame.

I’m not sorry for him. Nobody is.

The contract that he was able to flim-flam out of the Irish athletic department “brain trust” (mock air quotes intended) after just SEVEN GAMES and one close loss to USC was absurd.

Here. Have a good laugh on how it was written back then…

"Since the first day I arrived at Notre Dame as head football coach, one of my primary goals was to be able to see this job through to the time my son, Charlie, would graduate from the University of Notre Dame and to stay in this position until I retire," Weis said. "By restructuring this contract, adding an additional five years, this allows me to accomplish that goal."

Weis has led the Fighting Irish, who began the season unranked, to a 5-2 mark and the No. 9 ranking. Notre Dame also nearly upset top-ranked Southern California three weeks ago before coming up just short, 34-31.

"In a very short period of time, Charlie has clearly and impressively demonstrated the ability to take the Notre Dame program where we all want it to go," Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White said.

"We're excited that Charlie wanted to extend his commitment to Notre Dame, combined with the University's interest in furthering its relationship with him. All of us are enthusiastic about what the future holds for Notre Dame football with Charlie Weis as our head coach. We're confident that we've got the best coach in America ensconced at his alma mater for the remainder of his career."

REACT: To quote Moe Syzlak.. “Oh yeah. Not no more, you ain’t.”

If this one deal doesn’t put an end to the idiotic contracts in college football, then nothing will.

For the record, however, I’m still betting on the “nothing will.”

If I had a football program, it would go like this. New coaches get 4 year contracts. PERIOD. At the end of 3, we either re-negotiate or go our separate ways, and we only have 1 year of salary to eat.

You want an “out clause” do you? Um, no.

I believe top programs will get good, hungry, non-celebrity coaches this way. Sure, you may lose them too. But there will be more. There are a lot of Randy Edsalls, Chip Kellys, Jim Harbaughs, and Paul Johnsons out there.

Too many programs want to put their new coach ABOVE the program. Why? Your helmet, your tradition, your alumni, your fan base should come first and foremost. Big time programs should essentially tell these guys “you are lucky to be coaching us, pal. Now get to work.”

But no, that’s not how it works these days.

Guys like Weiss and Rich Rod get massively overpaid from Day Zero, and quite often the pressure to live up to the money ends up strangling them.

Right now, Virginia and Maryland suck donkey balls, and yet Al Groh and Ralph Friedgen are making nearly $2 million per year each.

There is simply NO WAY that each program would be worse off with “Un-named Assistant X” at the helm.

But I perhaps under-estimate the real driving force of these hires, and the contracts. I gotta believe that most athletic directors have brains larger than a barnyard animal. They know it’s absurd, and more often than not, a recipe for failure.

It’s the irrational, fan-like passions of the boosters that makes it happen. And most of these boosters (let’s just call them “Hoss” and “Tex”) have plenty of cash to burn, but absolutely zero patience or perspective on what makes sense.

Good thing we have an elaborate, unpopular, and corporately underwritten “Bowl System” to help fund all of this.

You may now carry on, as you were.

Back Up The Truck of Free Programming, Bitches!

I just knew that if it dragged on long enough, the stupid pissing match between the Versus Network and DirecTV was going to burn my ass.

Consider it charred.

The only game I wanted to watch on Saturday night, was - you guessed it! - Stanford vs. Cal on Versus.

Bastards!

So I called those clowns at DirecTV and asked them to ….

a. Count my number of HD DVR receivers (“oh, I have eight, do I? Well, that sure is a lot… isn’t it?”)
b. remind me how long I’ve been a DirecTV customer (“hmm. Since you began service in 1994? Un-interrupted? Wow, that’s pretty loyal, isn’t it?”)
c. Start throwin’ some free shit my way…

Predictably, the front line woman was of little use. She offered the Center Ice package for HALF PRICE plus $10 bucks off a month for 6 months.

Child, please.

So I was sent off to the “customer retention” department, where I made much better headway.

I got the Center Ice package thrown in gratis (Yea! Thrashers and Blue Jackets on a Tuesday night! Just what I wanted for Christmas!) which doesn’t really address the fact that the Caps will be on Versus A LOT this year.

I also got $20 off a month for 6 months.

I probably could have driven a harder bargain, but I only feel comfortable being a total prick on the radio. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe.

This has been repeated by many, and I am more than happy to publicize the fact that you can bang the monkeys at DirecTV for discounts and free packages if you threaten to leave.

Hell, you don’t even need a reason. Just call up, say you are out of work, and need to cancel service unless they can make it more affordable.

So what if it’s a total lie? Is this unethical? Hell no. It’s capitalism! They know damn well just how much each customer is worth, the cost off gaining new ones, the threat from other TV services.

Nobody is putting a gun to their heads on this.

Well, you are. Sorta.

Freak Show

If you haven't seen fast rising Heisman hopeful Toby Gerhart, you should take a moment to savor his act.

The dude IS John Riggins, 2.0.

At 6-1, 235, he's a true old-school throwback when it comes to big time D1 tailbacks. You rarely see guys that tall, and that big, running for so many yards.

And he's white!

It is certainly politically incorrect to bring this up, but you would be insane to ignore it. There hasn't been a white tailback of significance like this, since Craig James of and the Pony Express.

Not that it matters, but it is notable. After all, white players are able to play athletic skill positions like wide receiver all day.

Tailback and cornerback? Not so much.

This has always confounded me. Why can white wideouts have sufficient explosion and speed to play that position, but not enough to play tailback?

Are they discouraged from playing the position early on in the youth-prep-college progression? Or is there something missing? I really don't know.

I do know this: Gerhart is the real deal. He once set the CALIFORNIA prep record for rushing yards in a career with nearly 10,000!

So relish the freak, while you can, and let's just see if he can become Riggins 2.0 in the pros.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jimmy Masterlock Week 11

LAST WEEK: 2-2

Jacksonville -8.5 vs. Buffalo
New England -10 vs. NY Jets
Baltimore -1 vs. Indianapolis

BARKING DOG: Oakland +9.5 vs. Cincinnati