Poll du Jour: Bryce Harper

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Michigan J. Frog LIVES!

OR....

Snicky du Jour: Alexis Glick

Can Alexis Glick pick stocks any better than Lenny Dykstra? Who knows. I don't care. If this woman stared into the camera lens and said: "Buy 1000 shares of Michael Jordan's Bobcats", I'd be calling my broker with my retirement in hand. Whatever, Alexis. Just don't stop looking so f'ing fabulous!

Right To The Cake-Hole!

Kicking a woman is wrong. Period. But watching a way too mouthy, Boston Red Sox she-fan get kicked in the face by some animal in a Yankee jacket.... well.. it's why Al Gore invented this thing.

Enjoy.

And the week.... is UNDERWAY!

Snicky du Jour: Pilar Sanders

A little bit crazy, and perhaps violent. But, soon to be available, and will likely be riding high on a very nice chunk of alimony and support.

The League That Has Just Given Up

Ron Artest is a dangerous lunatic.

I can't wait to see what he does next. Because this, was hardly the last episode.

Just call it #14.

The NBA has basically given up as a league. Given up on being anything other than the crass commercial oligarchy that it is.

The commish is making huge money. The star players (and even the scrubs) are making huge money. The handful of big market teams are making huge money.

Why rock the boat by doing the right thing?

David Stern has shown the last few years that his only mission is to avoid the "big controversy." And the easiest way to do that, is to basically ignore everything. If you give Artest a year long ban, or even a lifetime ban -which would be defensible, given Artest's violent history - then it becomes a "Today Show" level big story.

A seven game sit-down, stays firmly in the world of SportsCenter and sports talk radio.

If Stern's discipline says it's "no big deal" then the media tends to treat it that way. Some writers were even saying Stern did the right thing by giving Artest credit for TRYING to change his ways the last few years.

The coddling and excuse making on this guy's behalf almost makes you wonder where the hell the moral compass is these days in sports.

Had Artest gone and punched Harden in the head with a directed fist, this would certainly be a much longer suspension. But because Ron had the 3rd grade level sneakyness of using his elbow for the "punch" it actually worked to fool those who should say "enough is enough."

Stern, Mike Brown, Kobe... and on down the line. Fooled, fooled, fooled...

Brown even said - if you can believe it - ""What am I supposed to do, call him a liar?" Brown asked. "He said it was accidental. Now was it accidental or not? I don't know."

Spoken like a coach who's claim to fame is coddling LeBron and matching his eyewear to his suits.

Bill Plaschke of the LA Times is right in tune with me on this one....

By the time Harden wandered into World Peace's space, the celebration was finished. And if World Peace didn't know Harden was there, why did he purposely cock his elbow before he hit him? Since when is an aimed, cocked and thrusted elbow an accident? 

If this were about only an elbow, a seven-game suspension would have been warranted. But this was clearly a punch, with one of the sharpest parts of the body, landing on the most vulnerable part of another body. 

This was about a celebration that turned caustic when somebody walked into the middle of it, the weird mind of World Peace switching from jubilation to rage in a matter of seconds. Maybe even scarier than the elbow was the look in his wild and crazy eyes as he stalked around the floor immediately afterward. 

This was not something that can be disciplined in seven games, not with Artest's history, not with Harden's injury. This was something that probably should have required twice that many games, forcing World Peace to miss the first two rounds of the playoffs and essentially ending his chance at making further valuable contributions this season. 

The Lakers got lucky, and I'm guessing the Lakers know it.

I can only hope this comes back to bit the Lakers, and especially Stern, in the ass. The most embarassing, litigation resulting way.

Poll: Chris Berman on NFL Draft

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Meanwhile, Toomer's Oaks Still Trying To Rally!

Now that spring has come, and the trees in our area have begun to pop with a full head of glorious green leaves, it occurred to me: "Have they had to chainsaw down the poisoned Toomer's Oaks down at Auburn yet?"

Thankfully, NO!

A tree specialist from - GASP! - SEC rival state Tennessee, has been called in to put the Oaks on an IV drip of sugar and some kind of tree steroids. I kid you not.

About the only thing left to get these old gals back to health, is to uproot them and send 'em off to Maui for a two-week vacation (impractical, I know.)

As for Updyke himself, he's had his trial postponed AGAIN, this time from it's scheduled April 9th date, to June 25th.

Why it takes from February of 2011, until June of 2012 to convict an SEC idiot who admitted on the radio to the crime he's charged with, is beyond me.

Guess we'll say "that's just Alabama for ya..."

Back in October, Paul Finebaum, who took Updyke's original gloating call on his radio show, wrote a piece for SI.com that said there's growing sentiment to call off the legal dogs and move on.

Updyke has just lost his fourth lawyer (who unlike the previous court appointed three was a renowned criminal defense lawyer doing the case pro bono). He's triggered enough legal land mines to make Judge Judy scream at the top of her lungs. Updyke's trial is scheduled for Oct. 31, but will likely be postponed. His previous lawyers advised him to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. But when your client publicly confesses on a national radio show, your legal options are fairly limited. 

Meanwhile, Updyke, whose father was killed by a drunk driver when he was three, is fighting severe health issues; he was back in the hospital again this week with a heart problem. He claims to have recently lost 40 pounds and for years has dealt with chronic back pain caused by a terrible car accident while in a police chase to help a fellow officer. The accident ended his career in law enforcement. 

Whether Updyke is mentally impaired or not, he is now remorseful as he told me recently during another phone call to my radio show. 

"I just want to tell the Auburn people that I'm truly sorry for all the damage I've done," he said. "I'm not asking for sympathy. All I'm asking is forgiveness. I want the people that are Christians to understand I've done a lot of good in my life. I've never intentionally hurt anybody ... until this." 

During the call, against his lawyer's advice not to ever call the show (the lawyer quit immediately afterward), Updyke's voice was cracking, sounding like a man knocking on heaven's door. I called him later that night at his Louisiana home to see if he was OK, and what he said was chilling to the bone. 

"I think I'm going to die soon," he said. "If I go to jail, I'm certainly going to die in there."
You don't need a degree in criminal justice to know the odds are stacked against a former trooper in the state pen unless he's in solitary confinement.

Do I want to call off the legal dogs? Hell no! My 1st, 2nd and 3rd choice of punishment would be as follows...

1. Poison HIM with Spike 80DF. Preferably, in each eyeball. See what happens.

2. Hang him from the strongest remaining limb on one of those oaks, and let Auburn fans paper the corpse.

3. Put him in prison for the max sentence, and say "good luck!"

But at this point, I realize I am in the vindictive minority. I had not known until now, that Updyke is a former state trooper! Wow. I am starting to think that whole stereotype of "Boy, you got a headlight out" for southern state troopers was not so far fetched after all.

Even though he was RETIRED when he did this, it certainly calls into question the guy's basic judgement.

Note to self: do the speed limit next time I'm in 'Bama. And keep your head down.

Read more: 

Pic O' The Day: The Fahkin' Sawk!

Okay, not to stereotype here, but I bet this gal will sleep with you for not much more than agreeing with her on the relative merits of Dustin Pedroia's current OBP, or spitting on a Yankee fan.

That and a pack of smokes, ought to do it....

Snicky du Jour: Stacked Packer

Yes. Ahem. "Go Pack..."

As you were...

Death to Sparrows: A New Hope

Funny how once you become a "Bird Nerd" and begin trying to attract and keep purple martin colonies, or help bluebirds mate and reproduce in nest boxes on your property, you notice sparrows everywhere you go.

Sparrows, for those that do not know, are vermin of the sky.

They are non-native, overproduce like the Octomom, and are generally mean, sneaky, murderous sons-of-bitches.

They must die. All of them.

Which brings me to this email...

Czabe, 

Long-time listener, first-time emailer. Love the show. 

On Friday you mentioned a new sparrow trap in use at The Monogamous Compound. I also fight the good fight against sparrows here in central Indiana. I keep several bluebird houses, and the sparrows are a deadly nuisance that must be dealt with. 

I've been using the repeating trap for a few years, with moderate success. But I'm always on the lookout for a better gadget. What is this new trap, and where can I get more info? 

Thanks,
Eric Dollar

Well Eric, I have your answer below, but first let me catch everybody else up to speed first.

If you want the primer on just how bad the so-called "English House Sparrow" is native songbirds, read this summary of how they respond to being "forced out" of their nests, or otherwise "gently encouraged" to go elsewhere.

They don't take the hint. And it just pisses them off.

The sparrows became increasingly "frustrated" and started flying to other sections of the house; they were looking for another more "productive" nest site. They battled with the martins on a number occasions, but the martins successfully repelled the sparrows. During this time, I managed to shoot the female sparrow, but the male was too smart and never allowed me to get close enough. At this point, the male sparrow started a one bird campaign to destroy as many of the martin nests as he could. I remember coming home from school and finding a number of white martin eggs, some with large embryos inside, scattered underneath the house. He had wiped out 2 nests that day. The next morning I saw him fly out of another martin nest with a white egg in his beak. For the next several weeks, that one male sparrow destroyed 8 martin nests and around 50 eggs! He even destroyed the eggs again of 2 pairs that had renested! He seemed to be possessed with a desire to eliminate all martin eggs in the house. I tried to shoot him and by then I had installed a Trio sparrow trap on the martin house pole. He was clever and never went near the trap, though I did catch several other sparrows that had shown an interest in the house. Only 2 pairs of martins in that 18 room house, ones where both male and female faithfully guarded their nests ALL the time, succeeded in raising young.

So my first order of business was to purchase a high power, high quality pellet gun with a strong scope. I took at least an hour, dialing in the crosshairs to as precise as I could get, mounting the gun on a stable workbench for extra accuracy.

One day, in a matter of minutes, I plugged two of these bastards with rather amazing 20-30 yards shots.

I thought: "this is gonna be easy!"

It was not.

For one, I realized I had likely wandered into two pretty damn "lucky shots" that day. Because I had trouble  replicating my sniper success. For another, I started to notice that the sparrows wouldn't let me get ANYWHERE close enough to line them up for a shot.

So that method of control took a back seat, and I ordered a "repeating" sparrow trap that looked like a wire box. It worked pretty good at first, landing me about 6-8 sparrows.

But there were multiple problems.

1. The box also ended up catching a variety of "nice" birdies like cardinals and such. I released them without harm, but it was still not what I prefer.

2. You have to reach your hand in the box and grab the sparrows yourself. Sometimes, depending on how frisky they are, this can take 10 or more minutes each.

3. You then have to kill the sparrows by hand. Somehow. I read the purple martin website's "officially approved" methods of "humane" killing. It said you should stay away from all of the "fun" methods (i.e. smashing with hammer, blender, drowning, etc.) Boo. They said the most humane was is to put the sparrow into a light mesh bag, and whip it around in a circle real fast, before WHAM! Slamming it into the pavement, for instant death. Okay, whatever. Pain in the ass.

4. Most importantly, I noticed a real decline in the number of trapped sparrows after a while. Being how sneaky they are, I don't doubt they had become "wise" to the danger, and just stayed away entirely. Plus, with my abundant other bird feeders, they had plenty of other "dining" options.

5. Lastly, the big problem with the repeater box, is that I couldn't reliably use it during the week, where I am gone at work all day. If other birds got in there, they might die or be killed by sparrows before I come home.

Well, I am happy to report, a new "killer weapon" in this battle may have arrived.

Say hello to my little friend, as Tony Montana would say.

The "New Universal Sparrow Trap."

This beauty has been just SLAYIN' sparrows since I started using it on one of my houses. It fits right inside an existing "nest box" in a 12 room house I have, and I have caught 5 sparrows now in a little over 3 weeks.

I found a sparrow nest inside a "double apartment in the house. One where there is a "foyer" box, so to speak, and then you turn "left" into the sparrow nest of straw.

Knowing sparrows lived there, I just put this bad boy in the "foyer" and sure enough, BOOM! Caught and killed the pair nesting there in a matter of 2 days.

So I put it back in there, thinking: "Hmmm. Maybe somebody else will try to take that nest." Sure enough.... BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Three more males, all with in a 2 week span. And with this sucker, it's a simple "blub blub blub" to the bottom of the Home Depot orange bucket of water. Humane or not, dead is dead. At this point, I just don't care.

Sadly, I see MORE sparrows starting to arrive in the yard. My dad thinks it's just hopeless. He says that more will arrive from the surrounding barns here in the country, and see a relatively un-crowded market for housing and try to move in.

He might be right.

But I don't care. The fight will continue.

>>>>>>>>>

And if you STILL doubt the bad-assed-ness of the seemingly innocent "sparrow", then why did the USAF name their best air-to-air missile, the AIM-7 Sparrow?

Hmmm.....?

Pic O' The Day: Dog Show Owners

Yeah, they aren't completely, bat-shit nuts, these folks. No, not at all....

Snicky du Jour: Nekkid Chick Jocks

I can't remember when, exactly, I stopped reading ESPN the Magazine. Perhaps it was when I realized that they were just NEVER going to make it a normal, Sports Illustrated sized reader - or, for that matter, tone down the dog's vomit of fonts throughout the magazine that made actually reading the content a headache.

So I am a little suprised that I never saw THIS issue, or cover! 

Yowza!

Now that's what Kevin Garnett would call "All Nude, But Tastefully Done!"

And then there's my girl Diana Taurasi. I always liked her game, because it was so full of "f-you" attitude. Here she is with her hair all fluffed out, showing full side-al nudity.

Poll: Luck vs. RGIII

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Tupac Hologram Another Step Toward "The Singularity"

Nobody loves technology more than I do.

Nobody.

But at the same time, things are getting pretty nutty, pretty fast.

The latest little "pixel" of cool-ass technology, is the much hyped Tupac Shakur hologram which was rolled out at the Coachella music festival last week.

Pretty cool. Pretty damn, freaky cool.



And it's only going to get better and better.

And that's the point of the singularity. The increasingly brisk pace of technology, science, advancements, and innovations. All merging together, building on one another, until......

KA-BOOM!

The whole world "blows up" for lack of a better word.

PS: And this Tupac, can't be shot. (/bada-boom!) So you are late to that joke, unless you already had it. Ahem.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technological_singularity

I Will Strangle You Personally if You Drop MY Trophy!

I just love the story of the Alabama fan (klutz) who accidentally kicked over the Tide's national championship trophy (crystal egg) by accident. Thing was secured by tape. Yeah, tape.

Charley Green, trophy manager for the American Football Coaches Association, said he uses adhesive tape to secure the ball when it's toured around the country and advises universities to take the same precautions when displaying it.

So the Stanley Cup is a massive silver chalice that could crush a small child - AND THAT THING GETS TOTED AROUND IN A METAL-BAND-CALIBER INDUSTRIAL CASE!

But this fluffy little glass egg? Eh. Duct tape it. Perfect.

Anyhow, speaking of trophies, I want you to check out the best trophy ever made. Ever. Yes, even better than Lord Stanley. Even better than the gleaming and and elegantly simple Lombardi trophy.

Even better than this pretty funny "Couch Guy" fantasy football trophy.

I am talking about the Malcolm McLeod Memorial Trophy.

Mike McGowan poses with the Malcolm at The National GC, showing off the winning yellow ball in the $500 putt-off to conclude the 2010 event.

Who was Malcolm? You'll have to read the "Legend" section of the website.

While you are there, please take note of the "Players" page. We have a "flight detail" of 16 total players to travel to Pinehurst in a month. Because of a rampant case of acute vaginitis with some of the gentlemen normally on the trip, we have TWO OPENINGS for you to try to lobby your way into Czabe's Carolina fandango again this year.

Last year, one Mitch Taylor from Norfolk was chosen to round out our group. Mitch was such a great guy, we didn't even THINK about inviting him back for a second year. Why? Because many of my guys on this trip are assholes.

But good kind of assholes, or at least ones I can tolerate for a few days. And I know their bullshit, so I know how to parry-and-thrust when they get out of line.

Mitch was such a gentleman, so unassuming and willing to help out in any way, well, I just felt like inviting him back would be punishment. Plus, I figure, let's spread the misery to some other guys dumb enough, er, willing to jump in with a totally random group of golfers.

So if you are game, email me your 200 words or less free-form "application" to join us. I will take entries through COB on Friday, and then promise not to leave applicants hanging past Monday on the two "winners."

And one more thing: I made that trophy. So if you want to rip on it, do so at your own peril! /crosses applicant off the list.

I Blame Roger Goodell For This

Oh yeah, let's see your baby withstand a full on hit from James Harrison with this fancy "Thudguard" helmet.

We're getting closer and closer to putting our kids in hermetically sealed bubbles and being done with it. Blogger Karen Decoster does a good job of ripping the lunacy of putting your kid in a floppy eared mini-Riddell 24/7, even though the warnings, limitations and hazards of the helmet itself are seemingly worse than the chance for an head-bangy-ouchie-boo-boo itself.

Important information to remember about the Thudguard® Infant Safety Hat – strategically placed ventilation holes to allow heat out but REMEMBER wearing any headgear can become hot and uncomfortable after too long. Adults know when a helmet makes them too hot but a child DOES NOT! – Please check constantly. 

It is the parent’s responsibility to monitor for overheating – especially in very hot weather. NEVER allow a child to sleep with the hat on. Make sure children get plenty of fluids. Water is best before, during and after prolonged activity. Encourage a “cooling-off” time in the shade if possible. 

Do not use if child is unwell, running a temperature / fever. Thudguard is NOT an equestrian or cycle helmet and cannot offer the same protection. Thudguard can only reduce the severity of bumps & bruising. 

WARNING: THUDGUARD® IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR GOOD PARENT OR CARER SUPERVISION. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE. CLIMBING CAN CAUSE CHIN STRAP SNAGGING. HEADGEAR VENTILATION SLITS LEAVE SOME AREA OF THE HEAD EXPOSED. THUDGUARD® IS NOT SUITABLE FOR PEDAL CYCLISTS, SKATEBOARDERS AND ROLLERSKATERS. PLEASE DO NOT USE IF ALLERGIC TO SYNTHETIC MATERIALS.

Yeah, but other than that, it's perfectly safe.

Love the NHL Series Snapshot Page

Thank you webdorks at NHL.com for figuring out that fans like me just want a "one sheet" summary of the entire playoff picture. Because it gets hard to remember who is leading, and which way the home-ice advantage is flowing in 8 different series.

Plus with the schedules all staggered and whatnot, and with the TV lineup so varied, this page is nice. Nice. Thank you.

My only gripe.... I can gripe, right? ... is that I would like a page like this, but it would include series results in a quick bullet-point list...

For example.

#2 BOSTON Bruins v. #7 WASHINGTON Capitals
THU: Apr 12: BOSTON 1-0 (OT)
SAT: Apr 14: WASHINGTON 2-1 (OT)

If somebody knows where you CAN find this kind of full playoffs summary "one-sheet" (or "one webpage") let me know. As you can expect, I am lazy, and a man of importance who cannot devote much time to searching this stuff down on my own.

Ahem...

NFL Kickoffs: Enjoy Them While They Last...

On opening night of the 2011 NFL Season, the defending champion Green Bay Packers held off the New Orleans Saints 42-34 in a game that had just about everything.

Two great teams. Star quarterbacks. Offense. A last minute goal-line stand.

And fireworks, like rookie Randall Cobb's electrifying 108 yard kickoff return that dealt a withering counterpunch to a Saints touchdown that had just closed the Packer lead to 28-20 in the 2nd half.

The very kind of play, the league itself was in the infant steps of outlawing entirely.

Now, there's this. The league is still hell bent on ELIMINATING kickoffs, entirely. Yes. Eliminate.

That’s the word from Giants owner John Mara, a Competition Committee member who says the conversations have already started about potentially taking the play that has started every football game in history out of the league for good. 

“We had a lot of discussions about whether we should eliminate it and if we did what we could do in its place,” Mara told Giants.com. “There’s no consensus on it right now, but I could see the day in the future where that play could be taken out of the game. You see it evolving toward that.” 

Mara says the Competition Committee’s top priority is player safety, and that the increase in touchbacks last year coincided with a decrease in concussions. In the eyes of the league office and NFL owners, that proves that moving the kickoff was the right idea. 

What’s unclear is what would take the place of the kickoff if it ceased to exist. Mara says the NFL won’t eliminate the kickoff until it has the right plan for how to get rid of it, but he seems to think the kickoff is just a fundamentally unsafe play.

Because the REST of professional football, tackle style, is INDEED, so "fundamentally safe."

Please.

I mean, I almost need to look around and see if I am reading a cleverly masked re-write of an article from "The Onion."

A sensible thing for John Mara to say would be this: "Of course, we'll always have kickoffs. I mean, it's been part of the game forever. There are perhaps a few additional rule tweaks we can implement, but we're happy with the reduction in concussions from last year's rule change."

But no. John Mara is not sensible. He's fucking insane. Or, more likely, simply unshaken in his belief that the NFL model of pro sports dominance is un-fuck-up-able.

You see, here's what that kind of thinking really says about NFL owners.

1. What do the fans think? Ha. Fuck the fans! They'll keep coming back no matter what kind of shit we do to this game and league. Next question.
2. Can this help us in court, when it comes to concussion cases? Yes? Perfect. Throw it in there.
3. Now, once we make this insanely violent game "fundamentally safe" with all these new rules, can we push hard for that 18 game schedule? Yes? Super. Onward...

Remember the following about NFL owners...

1. Of the 32 owners, only a dozen (maybe) are genuinely sharp, accomplished businessmen. The rest are a motley collection of sons born into the family business, old coots who got their team in a card game, or high level hustlers with very shady ways in which they made the money needed to buy into this ol' boy network.
2. They are afraid of lawsuits.
3. They think this league is unbreakable.
4. They resent paying big money to everything but a star QB. (And some, even that... ahem.).
5. Many have huge mortgages on their team/stadium.
6. They would love to both shorten the lifespan of players (safely, of course).
7. They know the league has no overseas longterm prospects, and few markets left here to exploit.
8. Thus, they can only EXPAND the season in which their product is offered.

So it's all about 18 games. And along the way, if 18 games can HELP prevent another 20% of players from reaching that dreaded SECOND contract (you know the shitty, desperate deals that make Pierre Garcon and Brandon Carr both horribly overpaid at $25 million guaranteed) - then that's a WIN-WIN!

In fact, if the league was offered an 18 game season, in which they could only still TELEVISE and MAKE MONEY on 16 games (like before), guess what? They STILL would take it, in a heartbeat, because it would grind alot of these players into selling used cars that much sooner.

So the NFL Owners "long game" goes like this: TRY to cut down on concussions, while simultaneously looking PIOUS as hell in doing so. Fine a bunch of players for hits made on a split-second of reaction time (that suspension money might shave another 1% off operating costs, bonus!). Build as much legal armor as you can before this wave of lawsuits hits. Weather the storm. Mutate the game as needed, because what are YOU gonna do, NOT watch? Bwah! Sure. Then get to that 18 game schedule thing, and RAM it through, hopefully using us FANS as the suckers to start clamoring for it.

To which, I am sure, some of you are saying: "Sounds good to me, except the getting rid of kickoffs part."

To many, the players are barely literate numbskulls at best. Criminals at worst. To many fans, you TOO think like an owner, and that there's no joy in watching excellent offensive guard work, so why pay them anything?

Most of the players - save for the rare and transcendent talents who can survive this gladiator circus for up to a decade or more, mostly QBs - are just interchangeable parts. And parts that get delivered via a conveyor belt from colleges every spring, 7 rounds-by-7-rounds.

Cheaply, too.

Remember when Tony Soprano whipped the champagne bucket at that poor underling's head at the Bada Bing for using too much ice?

"Where runnin' a bidness here! Conserve!" (Yes, that's where my soundbite comes from!)

Well, the NFL is just like the Bada Bing.

If you can save a few pennies, save 'em. And guys will keep coming back for the boobie show, even if you are skimping on the ice.

Petrino Gets The Ol' Taiwanese Animation Treatment, Of Course...