All Heavyweight Championship Sunday

Excited, everybody? I hope so.

Not me. I'm going to be weak-kneed, nervous wreck watching these games next weekend.

I know, I know. You are only supposed to be nervous when it is your team in a massive stakes games like these.

I'll be nervous because I simply can't stomach the thought of either the Niners or the Pats in the Super Bowl.

Much less both.

And there's a very real chance of just that!

What do I have against them?

Nothing, except that both teams are so damn good right now, it's unfair.

Un-fucking-fair. I'm calling it. Like a little 10 year old kid.

Harbaugh has somehow made me kind of like Petey "Rah Rah" Carroll. Nobody is a bigger front runner than Jim Harbaugh. When he wins, he's kissing beat writers on the head. When he loses, he's giving you the 1000 yard stare, and perfunctory answers.

Sunday, Fox explained how Harbaugh still wears cleats on the sideline as a coach.

Of course he does. What an ass.

His move of running 30 yards onto the field to complain to Carl Cheffers about getting a replay on the Vernon Davis TD call was classic idiot. Like they weren't going to review that.

He's impossible to like, unless you are a Niner fan. I bet brother John hates his guts, and that mom and dad just tolerate him.

He's an amazing coach, though. Holy shit, amazing. I'd want him coaching my team. Any day. He's the first coach to reach the Conference Championship game in each of the first 3 years as a head coach.

And he did it with a bunch of guys Mike Singletary couldn't figure out how to make a ham sandwich out of.

I respectfully hate his guts. Oh, and the Niners now have an extra 2nd round pick because Alex Smith was so good for Kansas City, and Colin Kaepernick isn't even really good just yet.

I have a feeling the Seahawks are our last hope to prevent about 4 straight Super Bowl trips for the Niners.

And the enemy of my enemy .... is my friend.

Go Hawks.

And then we have the Patriots. This will be their 8th AFC Championship game under Belichick and Brady. They've already got a shelf of Lombardi's from this run, and had two more stolen from them by the Giants while pulling two lucky horseshoes out of their asses.

There is absolutely no reason why any one team should have this much success over that long a span. And I'm not even a guy who still holds a grudge against the Pats for Spygate. I mean, they cheated like fuck. And got caught. And haven't won a Super Bowl since.

But they are still relentlessly incredible.

Every year, the football gods throw all kinds of ridiculous injuries at the Patriots, just to make it fair.

And it's still never enough.

Tom Brady had his knee blown up, and they still went 11-5 with a one-time-use, backup QB, who they traded for a 2nd round pick - and the guy hasn't been any good since!

This team extracts talent from every little crack and crevice of a 53 man roster like no one else. Random guys. Other team's castaways. Little white dudes.

How sick would the Pats be if Vince Wilfork was still upright and healthy, and just one of their now famously injured or incarcerated tight ends were available?

They had this entire offense that Belichick built around the concept of "You can't guard two TE's like these dudes! We are going to KILL people with this scheme!"

Then had to change it all.

And... boom. Here they are again!

When are these assholes going to go away?

They are ruthless gangsters. Trading Richard Seymour the week before the season began (first round pick, thank you!), benching Wes Welker for a half because he clowned Rex Ryan, or this week putting Brandon Spikes on IR because he tried to use snow (Snow! In New England!) as an excuse for missing a meeting!

They cut Tiquan Underwood - WHILE AT THE SUPER BOWL!

Other franchises reach for the Patriots' magic trinkets like boy-coach Josh McDaniels, or supposed GM-guru Scott Pioli, only to watch them morph into complete turds under their own roof.

Sure, the Pats will someday suck again when B&B are retired and gone.

For many of us, it can't come soon enough. But I know it simply won't come soon enough.

And I'm gonna have to look at these guys, and hear Super Bowl stories about these guys... AGAIN! For two weeks? In New York City?

Shoot me now.

Peyton, this would be a really great time for you to not choke, for once. (Okay, for twice in your life).

Go Broncs.

Excited for this upcoming epic Sunday? Not me. I'm already ready to puke.