Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Shock Discovery: Cubs Organization Finds Internet Is An Un-Friendly Place

Well, now, what did they expect?

You roll out a "nobody-asked-for-this" mascot for the first time in team history since the equally horrifying Cubbie "Squirrellbeast" of 1908, and you are going to get mocked.

You will get mocked for the fact this mascot is your team's best signing this winter.

You will get mocked for naming him something cute in reference to the ballpark.

You will get mocked for the mere fact that you suck, have always sucked, and yeah, mascot.

You should also expect photoshoppers far and wide to go creatively crazy, and you should expect Deadspin to organize a nice single stop shop for everything perverted, disgusting, hilarious, funny, and "inside-baseball" reference-y people come up with.

This was going to happen, people. C'mon.

Nobody in that big conference room with the Cubs, when reviewing final proofs of what "Clark" would look like, how he would dress, and what um... problems.... might arise from this version spoke up to say: "Yeah, uh... HE'S GOT NO PANTS!"

Simple rule: give a animal human-like legs. Give him pants.

No exceptions.

Oh, I understand that modern sports marketing departments for pro sports need a little "tool" like this in their kit. They need someone in a suit, making minimum wage, to go out and knuckle-dap kids in the hospital with horrible diseases that will likely cancel their 10th birthday.

I get it.

They need this because the alternative is someone like Alfonso Soriano, who makes $18 million a year, and might show up late, or not at all.

Instead, you pay some intern $100 and send him out into the community. I know. I collected that $100 cash when I was "Hoops" the Bullets mascot for 3 awful appearances back in the late 1980's.

My first appearance was the Inner Harbor in Baltimore. In June. HOT.

My second appearance was at some rich kid's birthday party in Great Falls, VA. Annoying.

My third and last appearance was a parking lot "kids-fest" at RFK. In July.

I nearly passed out, and was kicked in the shins REPEATEDLY.

My proud sister, and likely horrified father. "My son, is a MASCOT?"

My dignity, and health, was worth more than $100. I stopped volunteering for those gigs, and my mascot career, was over. Never made it to "the bigs". Never did an actual game. Sigh. Oh well...

As for "Clark"? Well, the Cubs should have never even acknowledged the photoshopping, because all it did was cement the story as a legit news story in various cable outlet's left-hand rundown.

Our own such outlet here in Washington, D.C. actually had some idiot producer put the penis-i-fied version of Clark - ON THE AIR.

As they say: "Good job, good effort."


  1. Having passed on Cub and Cubby because of the names imply LOSER, the executives settled on Clark. At 3 am the next morning one of them woke with this streaking through his mind: "Clark? Hallelujah, Holy Shit, Where's the Tylenol?"

  2. Haha! I remember Hoops. Anyone who survived going out in public three times wearing that hideous thing has to be pretty tough. You just raised your street cred with me, Czabe.

  3. you ptobaly would not fit in that outfit today, so do not worry about it