Thursday, December 19, 2013

"The Kennedy's of the Bayou"

The Duck Dynasty origin story is the mighty river from which all other Robertson-family stories flow. And it is an awesome story, one that improves the more it is told, so here is my stab at it: Phil Robertson grew up bone poor in the northwest corner of this state—a place where Cajun redneck culture and Ozark redneck culture intersect—to a manic-depressive mother and a roughneck father. He was a star quarterback in high school and earned a scholarship to play at Louisiana Tech, but quit after one season because football interfered with -duck-hunting season. The guy who took his roster spot at Tech was Terry Bradshaw, because that’s how these kinds of stories go.

According to Phil’s autobiography—a ghostwritten book he says he has never read—he spent his days after Tech doing odd jobs and his evenings getting drunk, chasing tail, and swallowing diet pills and black mollies, a form of medicinal speed. In his midtwenties, already married with three sons, a piss-drunk Robertson kicked his family out of the house. “I’m sick of you,” he told his wife, Kay. But Robertson soon realized the error of his ways, begged Kay to come back, and turned over his life to Jesus Christ.

This piece of writing is especially juicy for me, because I happen to know the author, Drew Magary fairly well. He's a Washington D.C. based guy, who appeared as the "3rd guest" chair on The Sports Reporters with me and Andy Pollin for several years.

He rose to prominence as a writer through Deadspin, and now does great stuff for GQ. If you read this piece as your first ever "piece of Drew", you'll know why he gets tabbed for jobs like this.

He can write like Nolan Ryan could throw a baseball.

Or, in this case, he can write like Phil Robertson can take a duck out of the air.


Duck, down.

Drew did a great job with this. Simply great. He's a self-admitted WASP-y Northeast liberal, by way of Minnesota. He's not an "in your face" liberal, but more of an a-political liberal, who I always said could be swayed into being a pretty solid LIBERTARIAN if he just went to a few meetings.

So he could have done a hatchet piece on the Bible-thumpin' Duck Dynasty clan fairly easily, but didn't.

The comments that have landed papa Phil in the no-so-happy-happy-happy place of being on "indefinite leave" from filming, are in my mind and many others, no big fucking deal.

They are not only what he believes, but they are actually enumerated in the Bible. Not just that, but they are basically no different from what the Pope believes - AND HE WAS JUST NAMED TIME MAGAZINE'S MAN OF THE YEAR!

But pop culture in America being what it is - and they are swimming in some of the deepest waters of that pop culture now - and with the fanatic leftist stronghold of the entrainment industry wielding absurd power, a showdown like this was bound to happen. I know first hand how much the LGBT crowd loves to shake down companies and media outlets whenever they see low-hanging fruit.

And while I don't think the "B" in LGBT stands for "bestiality" I am pretty sure it was that reference which sent them into crazy mode. You can argue whether including sex with animals in the same sentence with plain homosexuality was wrong or outrageous, but I would surely hope the LGBT crowd doesn't actually defend getting frisky with a horse, a dog, or a woodland critter as generally "okay."

But maybe they do. Somebody should ask them.

I think the endgame of this will go as follows: A&E knows they can't cut Phil from the show, or the ratings would collapse, killing the cash cow. They'll say they talked with Phil about being careful with his personal beliefs, and quietly the show goes on for Season 5 as planned. Only even bigger now, since this is getting such widespread cross-over "pop" in the news.

Hell, Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the air, in case you didn't know!

Personally, I am not a Biblical man like my wife and her side of the family, but I do happily attend church with her when possible and try to live a clean life. I certainly don't judge the strictly religious because - as they say - "I know their type" and they are usually some of the finest, most generous and caring people you'll ever meet.

I feel the same way with the Robertson's - America's First Redneck Family, or "The Kennedy's of the Bayou" as I call them - that they are inherently good people, who are going to manage to live in the burning glare of the pop culture spotlight and not let it tear the family to shreds.

The show is hokie and contrived, but so what? I feel like the boys are indeed MY long lost redneck brothers, and that Uncle Si and Phil would be two guy's I'd give up a pretty good chunk of cash to sit in a Duck blind all day with.

And I don't even hunt, either! (No Bible, and no gun? They'd have no use for me!)

Still, I am jealous as hell that Drew got to sit in the very den of Redneck Mecca - Phil's cramped living room, down on the 20,000 acre Robertson duck nirvana - and hang out with the clan. I can't wait to pepper him with fanboy questions the next time I see him.

In the meantime, enjoy the entire article by Drew, courtesy of the free inter-webs so you don't even have to purchase a thick printed version of Gentleman's Quarterly with a billion ads for expensive suits and models with 31 inch waists.


  1. I am basicly same mindset as Drew without the ability to express myself as well through writing ectera. My first thought was it's a free country, and he can say whatever he wants. Why the heck everyone wants to judge everyone, I have no idea. I think the LBGT community feels they deserve some payback, but past experience would show that it turns into a neverending pissing match. When is everyone in this country going to start turning the other cheek and moving on. I'm in agreement with their right to live with the same "rights" as everyone else.

  2. Phil is very open about his beliefs. It should come as no surprise that he toes the Bible's line when it comes to homosexuality. In the article, he says it's not his job to judge, it's to love, proselytize, and let God sort things out. He crudely says he doesn't understand homosexuality. Well guess what, nobody has really explained why people are oriented in one way or another. If more people followed basic tenets of Christianity (or most other religions for that matter): show mercy to others, be kind, be generous, we'd all benefit.

  3. To quote the blog The Only Winning Move, “the gay community is not oppressed enough to justify a political movement.” They should get the same love and respect as any other person. That includes getting told, “Lighten up Francis” when they are being obnoxious about people who’s point of view does not agree with theirs.

  4. My whole thing about gay rights boils down to the double standard when it comes to marriage. The windbags have to "protect" marriage by not allowing gays to marry, yet none of them are outraged at the fact that you can't even get an "at fault" divorce in most US states. If they want to protect the sacrament of marriage so much then it should be possible to get an at-fault divorce in every state when 1 party violates the sacrament.

  5. In Summary: Who CARES? Distractions, Distractions, Distractions.

  6. Phil needs to be smart enough to know the "Thought Police" are out there. When asked, he should have said..."I'm not going there with you, sorry. What else would you like to talk about?"

  7. I'd love for Phil to go on the offensive and defend his quote and admonish the intolerance of the thought police. I am also very brave with other people's livelihoods.

  8. Some people are pro choice. I stand with Phil #provagina

  9. So a piss-drunk guy sees the error of his ways and turns his life over to Jesus Christ. He becomes a good person who helps others and is persecuted because of his beliefs of what Christ and the Holy Bible teaches. Hmmm, this is what Christ said would happen if you follow him and live a Christian life. I guess what the Bible says is true.

  10. Whatever these guys think about religion is their problem. An avid duck hunter, I don't buy anything with their imprint because I don't care for their connection with duck hunting.

    1. and notice how you aren't being villified for it?

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