LenWhale's Belt Packs A Whallop!

Sometimes, you just can’t tell the real sports headlines, from the ones you suspect were made up by the snarkmasters at The Onion.

To wit: “Len Dale White Pulls Out Belt In Fight.”

SI.com’s Summary:
Titans running back LenDale White was allegedly involved in an altercation during an incident earlier this month in Denver, but on Monday the city's district attorney refused to prosecute the case. The Denver police department said the case has been reviewed and "is closed." According to a police document where an aggravated assault offense was reviewed, the incident took place on Feb. 14 in Denver when White and other parties were involved in a verbal altercation after a minor vehicle accident. White then allegedly struck Leslie Joe Hoch, a white male. "The verbal argument turned physical and (White) began striking and shoving the victim," the offense report said. According to the report, White, listed as an unknown suspect, "began striking the victim with a belt and belt buckle" before the parties got in their vehicle and fled. Hoch required hospitalization for lacerations, the offense report stated. (Tennessean)

“Pilots: Lock and load. Fire when ready.”

Of course Len Dale White would pull out his BELT when faced with a hostile situation! This is going for the “big gun” when “its on!”

Len Dale: “Hmm, let’s see. What do I have on me, that is 40 inches or longer, thick enough to hold in my fat ass and stomach, has the tensile strength greater than that of the cables holding up the Bay Bridge, and can be used like a weapon? Ah ha… watch this!”

Every kid growing up in an era where it was not only permissible for your dad to whoop your ass with his belt, but actually good parenting (pre-1980), knows the fear of pops un-leashing that leather monster from his waist.

I bet this dude wished he had happened upon Pac Man Jones and his posse totin’ “nines” instead of a pissed off LenWhale White and his belt buckle of doom.

Talk about a weapon of mass destruction! I think the only more frightening headlines could have been…

“Rosie O’Donnell Opens Hair Salon” or “Shawn Kemp Reverses Vasectomy.”

I have pretty much conceded that pitbulls, Fedor, or any other beast wouldn’t stand a chance against an enraged chimp.

But Len Dale White with his belt vs. a chimp? I might have to take the Titans TD vulture and the points….