Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Tennis Player To Give Up “The Girls” To Adoption

What's this world coming to, when a budding young, hot, tennis player gives up her awesomely massive cans just for more “flexibility?”

Simona Halep is looking for a nice home for her two large, spunky, but housebroken mammaries. I'd volunteer the two parking spaces on either side of the ol' motorboat, but the Missus put the kibosh on that.


If I were counseling the young Ms. Halep, I would remind her of this: “A crisp down the line forehand only lasts so long. Glorious sweater puppies are forever.”


Ever heard the phrase “recession-proof?” Well, nothing is truly recession-PROOF. Just like nothing is truly water-PROOF (put item under enough feet of whatever, and let pressure and small cracks do their thing), when it comes to money and luxury, even the rich “feel it” at some point.

So too with rappers.

When once it seemed like the money to ice out their neck medallions was limitless, downsizing is now the rage.

But cubic zirconia? Come, on, holmes! That ain't pimpin'!


Leave it to Peter King to totally miss the point on an NFL story. And leave it to the boys at Kissing Suzy Kolber to take Pete's columns out behind the woodshed and give them the thorough beating they deserve. Here's an excerpt from this week's King dispatch....

PEKING DUCK: I think I don’t expect the NFL to find the Redskins guilty of tampering with Albert Haynesworth — Jason Cole of Yahoo! reported the investigation Saturday — because I believe much of the investigation will center on the very public displays of affection Washington owner Dan Snyder had with Haynesworth’s agent, Chad Speck, in Indianapolis at the Scouting Combine.

KSK: And why would centering on those public displays of affection cause you to think the charges will be dismissed?

PEKING DUCK: Snyder and Speck had dinner in full view of half the coaches and scouts in the city.

KSK: And when Speck crawled under the table and began servicing Snyder, things really got HOT.

PEKING DUCK: You’d be naïve to think they weren’t discussing Haynesworth; that’s one of the reasons the league’s owners are considering a new rule that will make it legal for teams to speak with agents and looming free-agents in the week before the free market opens.

KSK: But it’s illegal NOW, yes?

PEKING DUCK: I understand the Titans think Washington poisoned the water for Haynesworth and made it impossible for him to even consider coming back to Tennessee, but the flaw in that logic is that the Titans were never, ever going to pay Haynesworth the landmark contract he got from Washington.

KSK: But what does that have to do with whether or not the Redskins tampered? If they negotiated with him prior to the opening of free agency, that’s defined as tampering, which you seem to clearly think was the case. It doesn’t fucking matter if the Titans had planned on resigning him or not. Tampering is tampering. And that’s… one to grow on.

And then this.... on Mike Vick...

1… I can assure you that (Michael) Vick and Jim Mora will never be on the same team again. Let’s just say it didn’t end too well the last time they were together. Not just the ending, but the middle part, too. The entire Atlanta organization wasn’t crazy about Vick’s work ethic in the offseason. It’s illogical to think Mora would stake any portion of his future on Vick.

2. I think, though, when the Seattle quarterback depth chart is looking as if it will be Hasselbeck, Seneca Wallace and the immortal Mike Teel, it’s pretty logical to wonder why you wouldn’t consider bringing Vick in-house.

1.It is illogical for the Seahawks to bring in Michael Vick.
2.It is illogical for the Seahawks NOT to consider bringing in Vick.

But wait... you also get nonsense on Jeremy Shockey....

PEKING DUCK: I think that one of the reasons I rated New Orleans at No. 24 in my power rankings a few weeks ago was wheeled out of a Las Vegas hotel on a stretcher yesterday. I don’t trust Jeremy Shockey anymore to stay healthy for 16 weeks.

KSK: Oh, so it took THAT to convince you? Jeremy Shockey hasn’t played a full 16-game schedule once in his career. “Call me crazy, but I think this Shockey kid could prove unreliable.”

PEKING DUCK: The Saints have to hope that Sunday’s shenanigans in Nevada are not a precursor of things to come.

KSK: Again, allow me: It’s a precursor of things to come. In fact, it’s a fucking postcursor of shit that’s already happened.


  1. Czabe I can't find it now but King actually talked about one of his dumps a few weeks ago. I kid you not. I'll locate it tomorrow and post the link.

  2. Para-phrasing from "SuperBad": Getting a breast reduction is like slapping God in the Face!

  3. best part:

    King: I’ve set up my schedule for the summer, so you can make your plans now for my four dark weeks.

    KSK: You’re gone for a month? NOOOOOO!!!! YOU CAN’T GO! ALL THE KIT KATS WILL MELT!