Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Day A Pork Rib Gets Sideways In His Larynx Will Be A Great Day For Sports

"I'm a simple guy. I don't watch TV. I don't go on the Internet. So I never watched Playmakers, but I knew if the league was pissed, I probably should be pissed."

If you didn't know a single thing about ESPN's Chris Berman, the above quote - from an excerpt of the current soon-to-be bestseller "Those Guys Have All The Fun" - is more than enough.

The guy is a bigger toolbag than all of Aisle 6 at Home Depot.

I would pick up my baseball bat of a keyboard and bludgeon this absurdly a) false b) illogical and c) narcississtic statement to death like a harp seal.

But alas, I am too late.

Drew Magary of Deadspin has already left this corpulent fraud a quivering, bloody mess. And listener/emailer James Giles of Salt Lake City cut in front of me with a lead pipe to finish the deal.

First, Big Daddy Drew...
"What the fuck? Hey, I never watched this show. But I knew if a bunch of assholes at the league office were yelling at my colleagues about it, then I probably should yell at them too! BECAUSE I AM THE LEAGUE. WE ARE RETARDED IN THE SAME WAY. YOU CANNOT SEPARATE THAT WHICH MAKES US RETARDED. I don't have to watch the show to know it's objectionable. I'm just a simple guy! I know in my gut that the show was wrong and that I needed to fall in line like a brainless lemming who has no opinions of his own! 
Remember, this is the same Chris Berman who groused when his bosses wouldn't let himaccept a Super Bowl ring from his buddy Eddie DeBartolo. This is the same Chris Berman who yells at the help. Berman is nothing more than a loudmouth shill who so ingratiated himself with NFL officials and tardbillies watching at home that he somehow has convinced both himself and his enablers in the sports media that he's some sort of unassailable institution. Well, he isn't. He's just an ignorant prick. And the day he leaves ESPN, ESPN will be much, much better off. Chris Berman eats ass."
And then my man J. Giles...
Hi Czabe,
I am a huge fan of the show and this is the first time I have emailed the show. A penny for each time someone has started with that hackneyed phrase.

I am here to pile on Berman. I, too, share a general loathing towards that talentless ape. 
I just wanted to point out the absurdity of his "I don't watch TV, I don't go on the internet". It reminds me of the Simpsons episode with Sideshow Bob, when he takes a nuclear weapon and holds Springfield hostage. He appears on TV and tells them how much TV sucks. But he has the good decency to come back on and say "I am aware of the irony of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out". 
It strikes me as bizarre and counterproductive to a man who works for and "built up" a network, to speak so badly of television. I mean he has a face and body for radio; A voice for print; And the writing talent for a 4th grade journal in Palucaville, Kansas. He owes everything he has to television and America's voracious appetite for it.

This is his industry. These are the two main revenue generators for ESPN. Television and the internet.

So he rips the two biggest things responsible for his livelihood. Why would you not want to watch or promote television? How does he do any of his "research". So TV sucks, but please watch a pregame show and NFL live. A simple statement that speaks volumes about who he is as a person. It explains why his jokes are so trite.

He is on TV for less than 200 hours a year. Judging by his performance on MNC, I would gather prep time is roughly 45 seconds. He doesn't write, so what does he do with his free time? Berate staffers, stuff pork products down his gullet, tell strangers how awesome he is.

I guarantee he plays golf, drinks a fifth of Jim Beam and goes home and whacks off to Steven Segal movies. He is a tool. Thanks for being a soundboard for my rant.

Keep up the great work,

And as they say in all the legal dramas on the television networks Berman swears he does not watch..... "Nothing further, your honor."


  1. It does not matter what you say here, remember, he does not look at the internet :)

  2. Right after 9/11 happened, same day IIRC, I was flipping through the channels, I found Berman on ESPN gesturing and imploring us not to forget the importance of sports in our lives, how it can heal wounds, and that we shouldn't forget sports and how important sports are to the American fabric.

    It was the most sickening piece of heartless corporate shilling I've ever seen...climbing over corpses to make sure you're not forgotten and looked over when people take a different look at what's important in their lives.

  3. Berman is just another example of an Ivy League douchebag who thinks he is better than the rest of us non-Ivy-Leaguers. The two biggest skid marks at the 4-letter are Ivy Leaguers (he and Olbermann), and his Luddite comments about not watching TV and checking in on the Internet are meant to display his egg-head street cred. In addition to the letter writer's point, Berman has also shilled shamelessly for a variety of products using his out-dated frat boy delivery and his fat-boy appearance.

    He is one of the major reasons that I never watch the 4-letter anymore.

  4. Remember, no matter where you work or live or go to school, there is a Chris Berman inhabiting that realm. I have laid my eyes upon every tool, putz, eternal frat boy, jock-sniffer, boot-licker, ass-kisser, drone who have the deficit of any merit in their insufferable suburban carcasses who have managed to get promoted (because they went to this douchebag Ivy League campus or their dad owns the place) and draw hot girls and/or show off their trophy wives at the mall, regardless of their physique.

    I wasn't fortunate enough to have all the ready-made fun that Bermanites or any other jackass with a good job get to partake in. I would rather work my crap blue-collar job and go home knowing I did well, than walk a mile in the shoes of the power tool himself...Chris Berman. Somehow, I would experience all of the Seven Deadly Sins at once without reading each one at time. No confession or hard drink could drown the guilt.

  5. "I don't watch TV. I don't go on the internet."

    Right, Chris.

    We'll just add THAT comment to the list that includes

    "I'll respect you in the morning".

    You just KNOW this raging egomaniac checks out EVERYTHING he can find that's said/printed/blogged about him.

    So, in addition to "Lazy", "Ignorant", "Overbearing" "Talentless", and "Shill" you can add BIG, FAT LIAR to his resume'.

  6. Hard to believe that Ground Zero hasn't been mentioned yet.

  7. I am surprised that the "With Leather" urban legend hasn't come up yet in these comments to add to the list of Berman's depravity.

  8. That article title is worth a thousand words in expressing your anger at the ivy leaguer douchebag. Though you are more on the angry side, i really enjoyed your humor in this piece and bashing Chris Berman.