Load Up The Hypewagon!

Now that the NFL Draft is over, let's all say this phrase out loud: "Well, we really won't know anything for at least 2-3 years."

Okay, that's over with. It's the truth. But that doesn't stop every one of us football fans from having definite opinions on what just went down.

So here we go...

1. Carolina just guzzled a pitcher of turpentine with the Cam Newton pick. They did it because, basically, the rest of the league and ESPN dared them to do it. Like a bunch of frat brothers who egg on that one guy who always does crazy shit if he's drunk enough. There's a chance this turpentine will be refreshing and do no damage to the Panthers. And there's the chance that they'll get exactly what logic says: an over-entitled, shortcut-taking, one-year wonder QB who needs to learn how to call plays from scratch, among many other things.

2. Does Jimmy Clausen give up that #2 jersey without a fight? What's fair payment? $180,000? A laptop? Too soon? What? Like I'm the bad guy... sheesh.

3. Atlanta has lost it's f'ing mind. It doesn't matter how good Julio Jones is now, or might be soon. He's one player. If he delivers Jerry Rice 1989 Tecmo Bowl numbers right away, there's no guarantee that will actually result in meaningful wins for an already good team. Atlanta seems like a team that has gotten cocky with its current state of talent, and decided to show all the other teams: "Hey... watch THIS!" To give away all of that future potential talent, is just mind boggling. Even more stunning, is the number of people who think it's a good move.

4. If the Patriots, Steelers or Packers don't do it, you shouldn't either. That should be a rule in every other team's war room. None of those teams would trade 5 for 1 to take a WR. None.

5. The recent history of adding additional WR's to make a team supposedly so much better on offense, has fizzled just about wherever it has been tried. It's a fantasy football move. Jerry Jones has now done it twice, with Joey Galloway and now Roy Williams, and you see how that has worked out. Did having Ochocinco and Houshmazilli make Cinci unstoppable? Seattle got fleeced by the Patriots for Deion Branch. The Lions kept taking WR's, and even though Calvin Johnson is THE TRUTH, it hasn't done anything for them.

6. Speaking of Detroit, I like the counter-intuitive move of adding another DT to their already stout front four. It was a classic case of "how bad can this guy's work ethic be?" Fairley was top-5 caliber talent, that slipped to mid-round. Smart snatch. And I do think having Suh right next to him, is going to motivate and keep Fairley hungry.

7. Baltimore took a CB who is, apparently, well on his way to a whole section in Wikipedia labelled "Controversy." So what? This is not a choir teams are trying to assemble.

8. New England took Ryan Mallet in the 3rd round, because they looked around and said: "Really? I mean, really? Nobody is going to take a flyer on this kid? Fine. We don't need him, but this is getting ridiculous. He's a late first/early second round guy. Wrap him up.

9. The Jake Locker pick was certainly a "reach" by any classic definition, but every talking head made it sound like Tennessee had pulled the boner of the draft. For a guy who was going to be #1/#1 last year, it wasn't un-reasonable.

10. Every one of those same analysts who knocked the Locker pick, failed to mention Cam Newton as the single biggest reach of not just the draft, but perhaps in NFL Draft history. Okay, I guess they all got the memo from corporate.

11. Roger Goodell is a wanker. Watching him man-hug, and tight-ear talk each player was ridiculous. So you work out alot, Rog. Great. You didn't play. Shake hands and smile. The booing was great. I only wish some Red Wing fans had some 3-day old octopi left over.

12. Not that I'm stuck on Newton, but if he's so worthy of #1/#1, then how come not another single team tried to trade up to get him? How come Carolina had to try to "bluff" and say they had 4 players on their board, right up until the day before the draft.

13. Do scouts know that Von Miller's vision is probably 20/300 with those Erkel glasses? Might be an issue, I mean how's he... what.. wha? Those were a fashion statement? Really. What's next? Pocket protectors?

14. I don't care about anything Tim Hasselback has to say about the NFL, or college prospects in particular. The guy barely played in the NFL, and to me, offers nothing other than mundane level "analysis." So just because his wife is a major star on The View, and a reality show loser, he gets hooked up with the best TV agents and gets a gig on ESPN? Is that how it is? I resent this. Greatly. Go away and shut up, you scrub. I'm not saying you have to have been an All-Star to be a good analyst, but Timmy H. takes jabroni to a whole new level.

15. Here's Tim's best moment as a pro. Following a lucky win vs the Giants.... "The following week he had the lowest possible single-game passer rating (0.0) in a 27-0 loss to the Dallas Cowboys. Hasselbeck was 6-for-26 (23%) for 57 yards with four interceptions in that game.In May 2005, the New York Giants signed Hasselbeck to be their backup for QB Eli Manning. His only game action with the Giants consisted of two kneeldowns. On September 1, 2007, he was released by the Giants. He later had brief stints on the rosters of the Cardinals, Ravens, and Panthers."

16. Thankfully, the ratings for ESPN were DOWN across the board, for all three nights. Down 17% for Night 1, Down 29% for Night 2, and Down 11% for the weekend. No way this thing shouldn't be FLAT or slightly up from last year. Maybe the NFL should re-think how indestructible the fan appetite is for tackle football. It's huge. But not limitless. Wake up.


17. Former players, announcing the draft picks in Round 2? (..../eye roll) Hey, why not next year have a former player announce the first name, and a fan announce the last name? Or maybe, we can get the spelling bee finalists to announce the names one letter at a time? Oh, no. Wait. I got it. Pat Sajak and Vanna White, with a big lit-up board of letters, and...... what? Too much? Come on, what's the harm!?


18. Ryan Grant made the best point of anybody after the draft regarding how chummy the rooks were with Goodell the red-headed Spokesape. Grant: "It's really baffling for me to see these young guys hugging the commissioner with everything that has gone on in past months. I absolutely want these guys to enjoy this night.. They worked their butts off to get to this point But to hug the man who Literally is leading the campaign for taking money out your pocket doesn't sit well with me ..I might be wrong..But def happy for them."