Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Load Up The Hypewagon!

Now that the NFL Draft is over, let's all say this phrase out loud: "Well, we really won't know anything for at least 2-3 years."

Okay, that's over with. It's the truth. But that doesn't stop every one of us football fans from having definite opinions on what just went down.

So here we go...

1. Carolina just guzzled a pitcher of turpentine with the Cam Newton pick. They did it because, basically, the rest of the league and ESPN dared them to do it. Like a bunch of frat brothers who egg on that one guy who always does crazy shit if he's drunk enough. There's a chance this turpentine will be refreshing and do no damage to the Panthers. And there's the chance that they'll get exactly what logic says: an over-entitled, shortcut-taking, one-year wonder QB who needs to learn how to call plays from scratch, among many other things.

2. Does Jimmy Clausen give up that #2 jersey without a fight? What's fair payment? $180,000? A laptop? Too soon? What? Like I'm the bad guy... sheesh.

3. Atlanta has lost it's f'ing mind. It doesn't matter how good Julio Jones is now, or might be soon. He's one player. If he delivers Jerry Rice 1989 Tecmo Bowl numbers right away, there's no guarantee that will actually result in meaningful wins for an already good team. Atlanta seems like a team that has gotten cocky with its current state of talent, and decided to show all the other teams: "Hey... watch THIS!" To give away all of that future potential talent, is just mind boggling. Even more stunning, is the number of people who think it's a good move.

4. If the Patriots, Steelers or Packers don't do it, you shouldn't either. That should be a rule in every other team's war room. None of those teams would trade 5 for 1 to take a WR. None.

5. The recent history of adding additional WR's to make a team supposedly so much better on offense, has fizzled just about wherever it has been tried. It's a fantasy football move. Jerry Jones has now done it twice, with Joey Galloway and now Roy Williams, and you see how that has worked out. Did having Ochocinco and Houshmazilli make Cinci unstoppable? Seattle got fleeced by the Patriots for Deion Branch. The Lions kept taking WR's, and even though Calvin Johnson is THE TRUTH, it hasn't done anything for them.

6. Speaking of Detroit, I like the counter-intuitive move of adding another DT to their already stout front four. It was a classic case of "how bad can this guy's work ethic be?" Fairley was top-5 caliber talent, that slipped to mid-round. Smart snatch. And I do think having Suh right next to him, is going to motivate and keep Fairley hungry.

7. Baltimore took a CB who is, apparently, well on his way to a whole section in Wikipedia labelled "Controversy." So what? This is not a choir teams are trying to assemble.

8. New England took Ryan Mallet in the 3rd round, because they looked around and said: "Really? I mean, really? Nobody is going to take a flyer on this kid? Fine. We don't need him, but this is getting ridiculous. He's a late first/early second round guy. Wrap him up.

9. The Jake Locker pick was certainly a "reach" by any classic definition, but every talking head made it sound like Tennessee had pulled the boner of the draft. For a guy who was going to be #1/#1 last year, it wasn't un-reasonable.

10. Every one of those same analysts who knocked the Locker pick, failed to mention Cam Newton as the single biggest reach of not just the draft, but perhaps in NFL Draft history. Okay, I guess they all got the memo from corporate.

11. Roger Goodell is a wanker. Watching him man-hug, and tight-ear talk each player was ridiculous. So you work out alot, Rog. Great. You didn't play. Shake hands and smile. The booing was great. I only wish some Red Wing fans had some 3-day old octopi left over.

12. Not that I'm stuck on Newton, but if he's so worthy of #1/#1, then how come not another single team tried to trade up to get him? How come Carolina had to try to "bluff" and say they had 4 players on their board, right up until the day before the draft.

13. Do scouts know that Von Miller's vision is probably 20/300 with those Erkel glasses? Might be an issue, I mean how's he... what.. wha? Those were a fashion statement? Really. What's next? Pocket protectors?

14. I don't care about anything Tim Hasselback has to say about the NFL, or college prospects in particular. The guy barely played in the NFL, and to me, offers nothing other than mundane level "analysis." So just because his wife is a major star on The View, and a reality show loser, he gets hooked up with the best TV agents and gets a gig on ESPN? Is that how it is? I resent this. Greatly. Go away and shut up, you scrub. I'm not saying you have to have been an All-Star to be a good analyst, but Timmy H. takes jabroni to a whole new level.

15. Here's Tim's best moment as a pro. Following a lucky win vs the Giants.... "The following week he had the lowest possible single-game passer rating (0.0) in a 27-0 loss to the Dallas Cowboys. Hasselbeck was 6-for-26 (23%) for 57 yards with four interceptions in that game.In May 2005, the New York Giants signed Hasselbeck to be their backup for QB Eli Manning. His only game action with the Giants consisted of two kneeldowns. On September 1, 2007, he was released by the Giants. He later had brief stints on the rosters of the Cardinals, Ravens, and Panthers."

16. Thankfully, the ratings for ESPN were DOWN across the board, for all three nights. Down 17% for Night 1, Down 29% for Night 2, and Down 11% for the weekend. No way this thing shouldn't be FLAT or slightly up from last year. Maybe the NFL should re-think how indestructible the fan appetite is for tackle football. It's huge. But not limitless. Wake up.

17. Former players, announcing the draft picks in Round 2? (..../eye roll) Hey, why not next year have a former player announce the first name, and a fan announce the last name? Or maybe, we can get the spelling bee finalists to announce the names one letter at a time? Oh, no. Wait. I got it. Pat Sajak and Vanna White, with a big lit-up board of letters, and...... what? Too much? Come on, what's the harm!?

18. Ryan Grant made the best point of anybody after the draft regarding how chummy the rooks were with Goodell the red-headed Spokesape. Grant: "It's really baffling for me to see these young guys hugging the commissioner with everything that has gone on in past months. I absolutely want these guys to enjoy this night.. They worked their butts off to get to this point But to hug the man who Literally is leading the campaign for taking money out your pocket doesn't sit well with me ..I might be wrong..But def happy for them."


  1. no one cares what grant, dorsey levens, vince workman, gerry ellis or any other generic, run-of-the-mill, non-descript breen gay running back has to say

  2. The issue with ratings was not the dispute but instead the day and time. Wives let you out on Saturday, but Thursdays? No way. Thursday is for soccer practice and school events and all that shot you have to pay attention to during the week. Bring back the weekend!

  3. Really John A.? So you think the rooks should in fact be all bear hugs with Roger? Grants comments were spot on. And run of the mill backs get things done in the Green Bay system.. Sorry you're still bent Pittsburg lost..

  4. Until the players' union makes a legit effort to make sure the old NFL veterans who weren't part of the gold rush have their football related medical issues taken care of, I don't give a shit about the labor issue. I have no time for greedy players and could care less if they get 39%,43% or 49%. Fans get bupkus. Go work in a car wash.

    And Cam Newton and all the other draftees, just like the vast majority of all athletes, are all about getting what they can get for themselves. So it's no surprise that they sucked up to Potsy Goodell and basked in the spotlight. Speaking of Cam Newton, why doesn't he just steal Clausson's jersey?

  5. John A.
    Sorry that Green Bay doesn't have flashy running backs...They (we) are doing just fine with a low key back that can be plugged in or out of the system...How has the big name back been working out for Minnesota? or how about the 4 top backs in the league last year? 1. Arian Foster, HOU 1616
    2. Jamaal Charles, KC 1467
    3. Michael Turner, ATL 1371
    4. Chris Johnson, TEN 1364

    2 of those teams made the playoffs only one past the first round and that one lost to Green Bay in stunning fashion. Sorry our offense doesn't meet your sensationalistic expectations...but i think you can suck on the number of championships and Lombardi torphies....

    good evening.

  6. I was watching this spectacle and just had a thought "ESPN, what the hell is going on around here?"

    Does the NFL draft merit so much television time and serious chin hugging analysis from imbeciles who just prattle on about how great some dude is right before he gets cut? And spread all this awesome high energy analysis out over a week? The fuck?

    And why is it that the ESPN analysts can only find GOOD things to say about a guy? Every highlight, it's like the guy is Joe Montana or Walter Payton. Berman goes on and on, how great everyone is, how incredible the value is, how he can immediately produce...IT'S NOT LIKE THAT YOU IDIOT.

    They should take a whole bunch of black and white footage from the 50s and 60s and play it, show Jim Brown creaming people for every RB taken, Nitzcshke blasting some chump for every LB taken, Mike Webster for every C taken...might as well, all these dudes are future NFL National FOotball League SuperStars.

    Total WWF bullshit.

  7. I choose to watch the NFL Network draft coverage instead of ESPN. It wasn't much better. Mike Mayock was instantly annoying and full of himself. Like pregame football shows, I'm not watching anymore.

  8. Brian - The players are just as guilty in all of this. They have NO problems with implementing a rookie 'cap', so let's not pretend that Goodell is the only one the rookies just watch out for!