Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Pre-Season Cup Of Optimism, Runneth Over

Nothing is as pointless in sports, as trying to read sense into what happens during the NFL pre-season. Teams that turn out awful, can routinely go 3-1 or 4-0 in exhibition games.

Even more idiotic, is making player judgements based on mere practice.

And then there is the bottom of the barrell: a headline writer for the AP has to somehow put relevance to popcorn fart caliber "stories" emerging from shorts and shells NFL "workouts."

Which gives you some of these... (as Dave Barry says, "I am not making this stuff up.")

Wire Headlines

Browns Joe Haden Making Name for Himself
Henne Impresses in Dolphins Intrasquad Scrimmage
Romo, Cowboys Do Well In Situations Against Ryan D
Browns New Punter Gets Welcome Day Off
Texans Can Only Improve In Secondary
Newton Wows Panthers Fans To Cap Impressive Week
Saints Stinchcomb Optimistic About Health
Vick Has Strong Day Passing To Backups
Browns Sharp In Practice At Stadium
New England Promises It Won't Stay Pat on Offense
WR Limas Sweed Eyeing Breakthrough With Steelers
Dallas Expects Improved Defense With Same Players
AJ Green Making Biggest Impression In Bengals Camp
Thunderstorm Cuts Falcons Public Practice Short
Saints Jenkins Draws High Praise From Coaches
Clausen Deals With New System, Newton's Popularity

I swear to god, half of these headlines could have been written by the boys at The Onion.

I can guarantee you, if Chad Henne was "impressive" against one-half of the Dolphins, he's still going to suck balls against 100% of the Patriots or Jets.

And when the Texans think they can ONLY improve in the secondary, they better think again. It doesn't matter who you sign to address a problem, sometimes suck, turns to suckier.

Why the Browns punter needed a day off, is beyond me. I didn't read the article.

So I eagerly look forward to reading more headlines on the so called NFL Wire, that have the rough nutritional value of cotton candy.

Things like...

Bills: We Don't Plan To Punt Until Thanksgiving
Micheal Vick Thinks 40 TDs and 1000 Yards Rushing Is Realistic
Lions Convinced "This Is Our Year"
Blocking Dummies Shredded By Rookie Marcell Dareus
Packer Rookie Says Green Bay Weather "Not So Bad After All"

and on and on....

Have fun with the mindlessness of the pre-season. Splash around. Make bold statements to your buddies over wings and beer.

And then forget all of it - everything! - before we kick things off September 11th.


  1. How about a feature, "Guess the Joke Headline." Mix in these real turd nuggets with some made up gems and see if listeners can pick out the real ones.

    Ochocinco Just Wants to Blend In, Be One of the Guys

    Rex Ryan Holding Sanchez Feet to the Fire

    Tom Coughlin Keeps His Team Loose With Great Sense of Humor

    Jerry Jones' Hair Weave Made Out of Field Turf, Smells Like Romo's Backside (Obvious real headline)

    Pete Carroll Happy In Seattle, Doesn't Miss USC Glory Days

  2. Deion To Introduce Douche Rags To Market
    Junk Dealer Seeks Favre's Endorsement
    Haynesworth Keeps It Real...Dumb