We Must Protect This Statue!

Just one week into the Paterno State Child Rape Scandal, a University President, iconic football coach, and 3 others are out of their jobs.

And remember, one week ago, the Univeristy President and head football coach were furiously fighting to hold onto their jobs. Hmmm. Seems very desperate in hindsight. 

What we know NOW, is even worse than one week ago. And right now is the BEST it's ever going to be.

I predict that what we learn about Joe Paterno will flat out MELT our heads in the next 12 months. This is emerging as a full blown, coordinated cover-up, spanning over a decade, involving a crime that is second to premeditated murder.

Or maybe not. Maybe it's worse.

The image of Joe Paterno as man of integrity, a pillar of moral rectitude, and an iconic father figure to men in football pads, HAD to be defended - at all costs. Too much money, too many jobs, too many libraries, were at stake. What would become of the football records, the merchandisable trinketry in the bookstore, and all of the sugary biographies if this wasn't just contained to just Sandusky and the "best efforts" of "good men" who were "fooled like the rest of us?"

More so, Joe Paterno was NEVER going to surrender that lofty perch. Never. In his mind, he earned it. And just because Jerry Sandusky is a sick bastard, JoePa made the calculation that - no matter what - the entire weight of shame would come out of Sandusky's soul, not his.

I can see the strategy now, failed as it was, as it smolders in the rear view mirror.

JoePa (or his cronies, by proxy) convince authorities to wait until at least he breaks the win record. It times out perfectly with bye week. Allegations come down. The AG's office emphasizes that JoePa himself, is not being charged, and they have NO PLANS to charge him.

JoePa and Spanier quickly issue statements calling the allegations "troubling" - not shocking, not abhorrent, not stunning - merely "troubling." Maximum wiggle room, or so they hoped. Pretend like a) These assaults may not have even happened b) We sure were blindsided like everyone else.

The firewall was to then let the media destroy Jerry Sandusky alone. Pound him into a million shamed pieces.

JoePa and Spanier would press ahead, and let Sandusky bear society's justified rage. Hopefully, the off week would be enough to absorb the outrage, and then the following week everything would look a little bit brighter.

Every week that they could just hang in there, every week that the public could return their pathetic short attention spans to Kim Kardashian or Dancing With the Stars, worked in Paterno and Spanier's favor.

Well, that didn't quite work, did it. The rest of the country, was not like the residents of Happy Valley. Not so invested in JoePa, his legacy, or his fucking library. I am so, so, sick of hearing about that library.

The JoePa/Spanier firewall, quickly fell apart. Events and public opinion over-ran both of them with a vengeance.

By thursday.

Now we are going to get the REST of the story. All of it. From every angle. And it's going to be UGLY. It's coming out. All of it.

Wait until McQueary tells a prosecutor, in open court, what he saw that night in the showers in graphic detail. Wait until he tells what he told Paterno, EXACTLY, face to face. Wait until we find out what Paterno told HIM (this exchange, so far, is still murky) at this moment of truth.

Wait until Paterno is required to testify. Wait until he tries to explain what he did, what he did not do, and why.

It's all coming out. All of it.

What if Sandusky has a last minute bout of remorse and shame. And he pleads guilty. And from his jail cell, he lays out exactly how Paterno bought his pathetic lies, failed to follow up, and perhaps even helped cover his tracks.

I believe Joe Paterno knew, in 2002, that one phone call to police, would likely bring down Penn State football, and in large part, his perfect image. The fact that Sandusky "retired" in 1999, one year after an "incident" involving a young boy that was known to locals, but had never reached the national radar, is beyond fishy.

It's damn near unprecedented.

A 57 year old assistant coach, "retiring" underneath a 72 year old coach who kept chugging along? A guy with such credentials, that he was courted as a head coach at several other schools?

If Paterno makes that call to police in 2002, the outrage would have been enormous. The 2002 rape, was a direct result of a half-assed effort to just "quarantine" this sicko from JoePa's reputation.

Nobody really cared about quarantining the monster from other children.

The message from the 1998 incident: "You can't be on staff if you are a child molestor. Sorry."

The message from the 2002 incident: "Geezus, Jerry. Can you do this on your own time, at home, please!"

So Paterno puts up his hand and tells McQueary: "Tell it to my boss." And the bosses above him, in the most shameful charade of a game of "telephone", manage to water down the monstrous act in a way that lets everybody's gravy train on the JoePa railroad keep going.

Here's the nuclear core of this story, as reported by the Harrisburg Patriot News. The entire thing is a gut churning, rage inducing, mind-blowing read. And I remind you: we are just ONE WEEK into this story.

According to Paterno’s testimony, McQueary told the coach he had witnessed Sandusky “fondling or doing something of a sexual nature” to the boy.

Two days after the report was released, Paterno issued a statement saying he wanted to correct the impression left by the presentment.

Even though Paterno himself had told the grand jury that McQueary saw “something of a sexual nature,” Paterno said this week that he had stopped the conversation before it got too graphic. Instead, he told McQueary he would need to speak with his superior, Athletic Director Tim Curley, and with Schultz.

That meeting did not happen for 10 days.

What was said at that meeting is in dispute.

McQueary testified he told the men in specific detail exactly what he’d seen, and what he testified to before the grand jury.

Curley and Schultz say nothing criminal was described. Instead, Curley says, it was characterized as “inappropriate conduct” or “horsing around.

Schultz said it seemed like “not that serious.”

But Schultz also admitted to the grand jury that McQueary had reported seeing “inappropriate sexual conduct” between the older man and the young boy, and possibly Sandusky “inappropriately grabbing the young boy’s genitals.”

Neither man called the police. Instead, they decided to tell former President Graham Spanier.

Spanier testified that he was only told there was “horsing around” in the shower — between Sandusky and a boy. And that had made a member of Curley’s staff “uncomfortable.” Spanier told the grand jury he didn’t hear that the incident was sexual.

Spanier never asked to speak with McQueary.

Spanier signed off on their decision to ban Sandusky from bringing children from his charity, The Second Mile, into the Penn State football building.

The ban, Curley admitted, was unenforceable.

And in fact, Sandusky attended Second Mile football camps with kids on other Penn State campuses as recently as 2008.

What about The Second Mile itself? Second Mile President Jack Raykovitz was told about the incident and the ban in 2002, the report says.

Raykovitz, too, never contacted the police.

When Raykovitz testified before the grand jury, he said Curley had merely told him an employee was “uncomfortable” about seeing Sandusky in the locker room shower with a boy, but that an internal investigation revealed no wrongdoing.

“At no time was The Second Mile made aware of the very serious allegations contained in the grand jury report,” Raykovitz said in a statement after the indictments. Raykovitz’s statement said the new details “bring shock, sadness and concern,” but said they had no indication any of the alleged abuse happened within charity programs and events.

According to the grand jury, then, here is how McQueary’s eyewitness account became watered down at each stage:

McQueary: anal rape.
Paterno: something of a sexual nature.
Schultz: inappropriately grabbing of the young boy’s genitals.
Curley: inappropriate conduct or horsing around.
Spanier: conduct that made someone uncomfortable.
Raykovitz: a ban on bringing kids to the locker room.

The picture of Joe Paterno that is emerging, looks more and more like the Uncle Junior character from the Sopranos. Could such a fuzzy, innocent looking old man be a ruthless, self-absorbed boss underneath it all?

Answer: you bet.

Don't be surprised if we find out Paterno's massive influence in that town, and in that county, extended all the way up to the district attorney's office. Paterno was both loved and iconic, and ALSO a giant INDUSTRY to State College, Pennsylvania, as well.

I am well aware of the utterly bizarre Ray Gricar story, too. A guy "disappears" huh? In America? A person of influence and stature? Homeless people rarely disappear without a trace. No body parts? No corpse? No leads? No suicide note? No witnesses? No nothing?

Really? That's one helluva disappearing act.

But let's put the whole Gricar thing to the side for now. What is in front of us, is more than enough.

A recent Forbes survey had Penn State as the #3 most profitable athletic department in the country. Gross revenues of $70 million. Profits of $50 million.

Every.... damn... year.

Cha-ching.

These are the gears that will grind 10 year old boys and their inconsequential parents into hamburger meat.

As a final thought - for now, and believe me, this is not going to go away - I am a little dismayed at the over-the-top hatred for McQueary. He didn't "do nothing" as some people say. He did more than the men in power above him did, that's for sure.

He didn't call the cops, you are correct. But is it possible, that he feared the police more than anybody on that campus, especially with a crime that could threaten all that is "happy" in Happy Valley?

He did call Joe Paterno, and in many ways, that was going "right to the top" if you believed all of the wonderful things that have been said about this "wonderful" man of power, Joseph Paterno.

McQueary is going to tell his story. And I want to hear it all, first. Then I'll calibrate my scorn for him accordingly. If it turns out that McQueary's actions - while not "action hero" enough for some - end up putting Jerry Sandusky behind bars forever, isn't that enough?

What I have read in the last week about accusations like this, is that coming out and telling somebody about them is the most terrifying act of all, because of the potential, almost inevitable backlash. Polite, civil society, simply does not want to contemplate monsters the size of Jerry Sandusky.

These men don't come wearing horns and have blood dripping from their mouth. They look like the nicest neighbor on your street.

As such, people are sometimes more inclined to turn against those who speak the ugly truth, in order to maintain the pleasant lie. "The man has a million-dollar FOUNDATION to help kids! And HE's a child molestor!? How dare you." 

McQueary told his father. He told Paterno. He told Curley and Shultz.

That's alot.

Had he turned away completely that night, and never said a word, his life would be much, much easier right now. But his soul would be ravaged. 

He did the right thing. He just didn't do the PERFECT thing.

If you destroy McQueary now, before we hear his side, you play into the inevitable human calculation of the NEXT person of little power, who witnesses such a rape. 

"Wow, I just saw a guy raping a boy. But I couldn't break it up. I froze. I was terrified. I was too small. But I AM going to report it. I must. But wow, look at how they treated that guy at Penn State who did the same? He was vilified. His career was ruined. He lived with death threats, because he didn't instantly swing into "action hero" mode. Do I need this in my life? Will I ever get a good job again? Will they try to make ME the bad guy?"

Here's the most jarring excerpt from the Patriot-News Special report.

The 1998 victim's mother said the authorities leaned on HER to "think about" the accusations her son and her were making. The same Attorney General, Linda Kelly, actually praised the school for a half-action against Sandusky.

Sandusky was barred from the school as soon as this victim made allegations against him, and Kelly praised the school district for acting appropriately.

The mother has told The Patriot-News she was upset to hear the district being commended.

“They told me to go home and think about what I wanted to do, and I was not happy,” she said. “They said I needed to think about how that would impact my son if I said something like that. I went home and got [my son] and we came to [Children and Youth Services] immediately.”

If that doesn't chill you down to your socks, nothing will.

NFL Scouts Won't Miss Joe Paterno One Bit

From Mike Freeman of CBS Sports...

One NFC scout was asked how he felt about Joe Paterno leaving. 

"I hate to see any of this stuff happening," the scout said, "but people in my line of work won't miss him." 

The reason? Paterno was notorious for his abuse of scouts and personnel men who tried to interview players or the staff in preparation for the NFL draft and free agency 

None of this stuff compares to the grand ugliness that happened at the school regarding molestation charges but it does open a small window -- a tiny one -- into how tight control Paterno had at the school.

It wasn't unusual for scouts to set up an appointment to speak with a player or group of players, or even Paterno himself, only to find after traveling to campus Paterno would cancel all appointments. 

Eventually, I'm told, scouts were only allowed to come on certain open dates. Sometimes they'd be allowed to watch practice, sometimes not. Paterno had his favorites and would let certain scouts he liked or thought were friends of the program have better access to the team than others. 

"Penn State was one of the worst places to try and do your job," said the scout. 

Dan Shonka, a former scout, tweeted recently: "I have received several e-mails from retired and present #NFL scouts that reminded me that #JoePaterno hindered us from doing our job at #PennSt How so? #CoachPaterno had a rule that scouts could only visit on open dates and watching prospects during practice was not allowed. Many #scouts blame #PennSt busts over the years on the lack of info #CoachPaterno let out..."

Craction Pool Week 10

Here's a freaky deaky stat for you kids. If you back out every spike to kill the clock, intentionally flushed pass to abort a play, and drops - Aaron Rodgers completion percentage is about 82%!

Yowza. 

So here's your chance to win my coveted, and rare, Aaron Rodgers McFarlane action figure. If only, it had him doing the patented "Discount Double Check" move..... 

All you gotta do, is dial in the PERFECT Craction.com 5-way combination!

Sign up HERE, for free, and enjoy the game!

HALL of CHAMPIONS
Week 1: Shawn Brandt
Week 2: Larry Haslee/Ronnie Windsor
Week 3: Eric Hucke
Week 4: John Merrill
Week 5: John Sample
Week 6: Nate Faust
Week 7: John Heibel
Week 8: Karin McAnaney
Week 9: John Goodall

Personally, I'm going to roll with Jimmy Masterlock's Picks, this week, because he IS a staggering 19-14-2!

and throw on top of it....

Miami -4 vs. Redskins

Jimmy Sez:

Don't Think Don't Blink, Lay the Lumber PICK: GB -14 vs. Minn.
Craction.com Underdog PICK: Buf +6 at DAL
"Run To The Smell" PICK: SEA +7 vs. Bal
Lock of the Week PICK: NYJ -1 vs. NE

State Penn

Why Didn't Mike McQueary Do More?

Well, there's a lot of reasons. And it doesn't necessarily exonerate him. But let's remember how powerful the Paterno Cosa Nostra was in Happy Valley.

I would liken McQueary's shocking encounter, to you or I coming upon a live Bengal tiger in the lockeroom showers. Except this tiger could also cost you your job, not just eat you.

Your sense of what you just saw, would probably melt your circuits in a way that renders logical thinking almost impossible.

Furthermore, would you know if Sandusky had a weapon on him, or near him? What if you swing and miss, and he gets the upper hand on you and then harms the child?

Howard Bryant, writing for ESPN.com, recalls a Boston Red Sox sexual abuse scandal that I surely never heard about. One that reminds you how absolute power corrupts absolutely, especially when it comes to dark, hideous acts, that the powerful never want to confront.

Sports might not be as important as law enforcement or religion, but the betrayal of trust is just as deep. For three decades, the Boston Red Sox employed a sexual predator who solicited sex from the young boys he would hire to work the clubhouse during spring training. It would become common knowledge that Donald Fitzpatrick was dangerous around children. One of his victims alleged that Red Sox players such as Jim Rice and Sammy Stewart would warn the clubhouse kids to avoid Fitzpatrick. When one of the kids confronted Red Sox management in 1971 with the charge that Fitzpatrick had engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior with them -- some as young as 4 years old -- in the Red Sox clubhouse and at the Holiday Inn where the team was housed during spring training, the Red Sox followed the Penn State template and more. Not only did the team fail to alert authorities or disassociate from Fitzpatrick but the Red Sox fired the victims who came forward. 

Only in 1991, when another victim, a young aide Fitzpatrick was suspected of recruiting, held up a sign during a nationally televised Red Sox-Angels game that read "Don Fitzpatrick sexually assaulted me" did the Red Sox act, paying out a $100,000 settlement. After more than 30 years, in 2003, the Red Sox settled a $3.15 million lawsuit with the seven Florida victims. In 2002, Fitzpatrick pleaded guilty in Florida to four counts of sexual battery on a child.

Look, hindsight of 9 years, and with all we know now, makes it easy to say "I would have cold cocked that old man!" But in the moment, who knows.

The Nine Funniest Minutes of 2011

Who has the patience for a web video longer than 3 or 4 minutes these days? Nobody. But this gem, keeps getting better, and better as it presses toward the 9 minute mark.

Genius, Team CoCo. Genius.

Sham-ahan?

There's not much more to say than this in regard to my Redskins. Just look at the photo.

As such, I won't bore anyone with deep analysis of the team, or the game.

We suck.

We suck, we suck, we suck.

And nothing is going to matter until there's an actual NFL quarterback on the roster.

Mind you: I am not saying a QB fixes all of our problems. But nothing else matters, until this crucial position gets addressed.

Period.

Mike Shanahan had a very interesting  interview with our radio station's mid-day hosts Kevin Sheehan and Thom Loverro just prior to the team returning from the bye week. At the time, the team was 3-1, and almost entirely healthy. Never mind that the 3 wins were 1 solid win over the Giants in Week 1, followed by a "down to their last 4th down and 3" against decidedly poor Arizona and a stuttering low-point win against 1-win St. Louis.

Never mind all that. Shanahan, was damn near giddy in that interview. He was loose, relaxed, confident and happy. He talked about things he has never talked about with the media since he came to town. He talked about how he liked to play blackjack, his preference in music, and a bunch of non-football things.

He also said the following, in regard to an oblique question about whether Rex Grossman was essentially good enough to win with:

Shanahan: "We understand the quarterback position."

Oh, you do? Really.

That comment came before the entire season came flying apart at the seams. Before injuries to the o-line, and the loss of a starting WR and TE. It came before Rex vomited all over himself in a 4-picks-in-just-3-quarters game at home that prompted the move to John Beck.

It came before letting the Eagles back off the mat, it came before another loss to a rookie QB in Cam Newton (the Redskins staggering 7th STRAIGHT loss to a rookie starter) it came before a lifeless shutout in Toronto against the Bills.

And it came before Sunday's debacle in which the Redskins were effectively shut out, again.

I go back to that interview, Shanny's tone, and the cocky-ass, condescending comment: "We understand the quarterback position."

I must ask an honest, and sobering question: "Does Shanahan have any idea what is going on right now?"

I mean that. Is it possible that he's completely floored that his magnificent scheme is not working somehow? Could he really be scratching his head in wonder?

The conventional wisdom is essentially: "Of course, Shanahan knows he needs a QB. He's too smart not to know that."

But does he? Really? Is it possible, this Grossman-Beck experiment has blown up in his face, and he is franctically trying to give it life support?

More conventional wisdom says Shanahan knew that he needed a young QB to mold, but he sacrificed that need for one year in order to bolster the defense.

If so, quite a noble gesture, given how he had to know he would take the dump truck of crap from the fanbase if the offense was junk. Plus, had the Skins not thrown away pick #37 this year on McNabb, they could have easily moved up 2 spots for Andy Dalton who went #35 to Cinci. Instead, they took Jarvis Jenkins at #41, but they did so with a cobbled together 2nd round pick assembled from a flurry of trade-downs.

Which again, reinforces the tragic folly of the McNabb deal. You can say to youself: "Ah, it's just a second round pick" but those missing picks have consequences. You go without one, and then you chase to re-claim it, and all of a sudden, you are missing on a perhaps franchise QB.

Shanahan said he'd stake his reputation on the belief that Grossman and Beck can play. That's more than just a standard coaches endorsement to pump up his quarterbacks.

Perhaps his reputation has no clothes. Perhaps Shanahan is one of the most well paid frauds in NFL history. A second coming of George Seifert, emboldened by a $35 million guaranteed 5 year contract, and the knowledge that if Snyder were to fire him prematurely, almost all the blame would bounce back on the owner.

Winning a Super Bowl is insanely hard. But at the same time, it's also no perfect litmus test of coaching excellence. Brian Billick and Jim Fassel squared off in a Super Bowl once, and where are those guys now? Billick butchering names in the broadcast booth, and Fassell slumming it in the UFL.

Shanny had a quick strike pair of Super Bowls, with a Hall of Fame QB, and a RB whose production was absurdly HOF-worthy before he had it cut short by knee injuries. The only other bright spot, and only other AFC West title was a lone 13-3 season in 2005.

Dick Jauron once went 13-3 too, so let's not get carried away.

There's only 3 basic scenarios right now for Shanahan.

1. He knows Beck and Grossman are junk, and just hoped to get through the year. The pumping up was just that. Lip service. He's got a good idea who he likes coming out this spring, and plans to go get him.

2. He's truly flummoxed, and stunned that THIS is not working at all. As such, he has no real "Plan B".

3. He's just cynically banking Snyder's cash. He knows that this is his last big coaching "score". He wanted to give his kid the best shot at a full blown NFL career. If Snyder fires him before all 5 years are over (shudder the thought) Shanny knows he can say "oh, well, it was Mission Impossible."

Right now, I'm leaning - just a lean - that he's on Scenario #2, and will have to be talked into #1. But if that plan gets much harder, he will gladly fall back into #3, and this unfortunate episode in franchise history will become just another case study in fail.

The Monster Devours Happy Valley

College football is a monster.

And seemingly every week, it is something new.

The latest, Penn State's horrifying case of alleged sexual assault - rape, really - by former Paterno heir apparent Jerry Sandusky, is big enough to put all of the others into the "Also Receiving Votes" category.

The allegations, in a nutshell: Sandusky assaulted up to 8 at-risk young boys, in the Penn State showers, got caught, and Penn State coaches and administrators covered it up to avoid damage to the program's "pristine" reputation.

Goodbye, Cam Newton scandal. So long, Ohio State's tattoo controversy. Ha, Miami's hookers-n-cash expose.

Just look at this, if you can stomach it.

So how does this happen? How can something so vile be hushed away like a wideout who got a discounted car from a local dealership?

Because modern college football is a soulless monster, and it... does... not... care.

It does not care that the players make nothing, and the TV rights keep going through the roof.
It does not care that conferences which involve Boise, IDAHO, will be called the "Big East."
It does not care that dads ask for 6-figure cash for their kids.
It does not care that Ohio State players should have been ineligible immediately, there was a bowl to play.
It does not care that the Fiesta Bowl was soaked and dripping with fraud and embezzlement.
It does not care that many schools actually lose money on bowl appearances.

The monster that is modern, televised, quasi-professional college football does not care. It eats, swallows whole, and moves on.

Players, coaches, teams, budgets, conferences, ethics, morals, tradition, decency.

It eats it all.

An omnivore that nobody dares to stand up to.

The University Presidents won't do it. The NCAA won't do it. Congress won't do it. The TV networks won't do it, because they are the ones on the other end of the thick iron chain leash.

And we feed the beast. Yep. We the fans. We the media. We the rah-rah people with our face paint and BBQ ribs in the parking lot.

The LSU-Alabama game was another perfect example. Yes, it was a heavyweight matchup. But the dripping "oohs" and "ahhs" from everybody was just about enough to make you puke.

ESPN fed us 24/7 coverage starting on Tuesday, with reporters literally waking up with the coaches and driving in to work with them, cameras rolling and mics live.

Monster.

The game was close, hard hitting, low scoring. Alabama's poor kicker couldn't hit the Gulf of Mexico from the deck of the Queen Mary. Given how a previously disgruntled 'Bama fan fatally poisoned two 100 year old oak trees to make him feel better, I would say that kicker should hire a food taster for a while.

Do I have an answer? I am about to make some soap-box like media "demands".

No. No I am not. I have no answers, and there's enough people on soapboxes already.

There's nothing that can be done, until the people in charge of the game, decide they want to have something done to at least trim the monsters claws, if not put it in a cage of some sort.

I do love the product on the field. But the system producing it is nothing short of abysmal. Even if you didn't mind the low-level criminality, bribery, assaults and what-not, the sport still decides its champion in the most grotesquely unpopular way.

I know how this season ends. An interminable 30-some days after the last regular season game. With a single "championship" determined by computers and polls. It'll take place about a week after New Years, be played on a weeknight, and start about 9:30 eastern, and last at least 3 hours and 45 minutes.

And chances are, it'll be a blowout.

Meanwhile, Penn State is trying to figure out how they can shield a nearly senile Joe Paterno from having to describe in open court, penis on penis action in his program's lockeroom showers, and why he and the entire program seemed to care more about their image than saving young boys a lifetime of pain and misery.

And yeah, the same monster - college football - killed a kid trying to film a practice in 50 mph winds on a 30-foot scissors lift for a maniac of a coach, and nobody got fired. I'll never let that one go.

Good times.

All that said, I think Stanford is in a great spot, given how shaky Oklahoma State has looked as of late. And part of me hates myself for even thinking about that, or writing it.

Craction Pool Week 9

We are going OLD SCHOOL with the Donkey Helmet prize for this week's Craction.com winner! As you see here, this is a rare "alt-throwback" helmet from the early 50's at Southwest Tech, of course with a modern high finish shell and coated steel facemask.

The helmet was an homage to the Michigan "wing" and appeared from 1953-1957.

However, Donkeys coach Les Stutsmeyer (Record: 6-38-2) successfully lobbied to have the design retired following his second straight 0-11-1 season in 1957. Stutsmeyer was convinced the helmet was "bad ju-ju" and a direct cause of the team's troubles, despite his offense using the controversial "full-house backfield" formation of up to 7 running backs at a time, with only a center and two guards in front of the quarterback.

"If 3 backs in a triangle works for Oklahoma, then 7 backs in a pyramid can't be stopped!" Stutsmeyer would often bark to players and media alike.

The formation never caught on, and only once cracked 80 yards rushing in a single game.

Stutsmeyer was fired after the first game of the 1958 season, one in which his team wore the "Double Horseshoe" helmet design. The new logo did nothing for The Fightin' Donks under Stutsmeyer, as they lost to Dismal Valley State 77-2 in the home opener.

"That helmet still looked like it had a damn horse penis down the stripe!" Stutsmeyer shouted as he was escorted from the press conference announcing his dismissal. "And you can't pin that one on me!"

So there you go, football fans! A real piece of history on the line! Have at it!

All you gotta do, is dial in the PERFECT Craction.com 5-way combination!

Sign up HERE, for free, and enjoy the game!

HALL of CHAMPIONS
Week 1: Shawn Brandt
Week 2: Larry Haslee/Ronnie Windsor
Week 3: Eric Hucke
Week 4: John Merrill
Week 5: John Sample
Week 6: Nate Faust
Week 7: John Heibel
Week 8:
Week 9:

Personally, I'm going to roll with Jimmy Masterlock's Picks, this week, because he IS a staggering 18-11-2!

And throw on top of his picks...
San Francisco -4 vs. Redskins.

Jimmy Sez:

Don't Think Don't Blink, Lay the Lumber PICK: Dallas -12 vs. Seattle
Craction.com Underdog PICK: Cleveland +11 @ Houston.
"Run To The Smell" PICK: New Orleans -9 vs. Tampa Bay
Lock of the Week PICK: Oakland -9 vs. Denver

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

IN RELATED CRACTION.COM News!

The boys at Craction are having a 50% off sale on the "PRO" version of the game, which includes live scoring and will soon have discounts at local businesses around the country.

They can purchase it through our Craction Store and proceeds will go to various charities that help our troops returning home settle in and enjoy things they may have missed while serving our great nation.

HERE IS THE LINK for the "Pro" version of Craction, which is awesome for your leagues! You'll never watch football the same way again!

PRO CRACTION!

Hey Los Angeles, Try Keeping Films In House, Before Stealing The Vikings

While Minnesota Vikings fans are understandably nervous about losing their football team to Los Angeles, lets remember that getting a new stadium built in LA is far from a done deal.

Even though the city power brokers have managed to grease the skids on the ultra tough environmental rules in the Golden State for this project, until I see cranes putting the scoreboard in place, I won't believe anything.

And if you want to know how completely effed up Los Angeles and California are when it comes to their enviro laws, consider this: the FILM INDUSTRY has lost almost HALF of its work to other locations in the last 15 years!

From Koel Kotkin's piece in Forbes about the LA stadium push...

LA’s leaders should therefore focus on the systematic causes for the region’s ailing economy. 

One source of the problem lies in tough environmental rules that, although lifted on behalf of football, clamp on growth of virtually every other industry, including the city’s port and manufacturing sector. Powerful green interests, for example, make any plan to modernize the port all but impossible. This could prove catastrophic when the widening of the Panama Canal will allow aggressive, cheaper posts in the Gulf or Southeast U.S. to compete with the Pacific Asian trade that has driven LA’s port economy for decades. 

Los Angeles’ huge industrial sector has also been a victim of the regulatory tsunami. 

Manufacturers have lost roughly one-third of their jobs over the past decade as firms head out to more congenial regions with less onerous regulatory burdens. Sadly, Los Angeles has benefited little from the recent upsurge in manufacturing nationwidewhen compared with metropolitan areas such as Detroit, Salt Lake City and San Antonio. 

Even Hollywood, an industry less affected by green regulations, has begun to lose steam. Film production has dropped by more than half over the past 15 years. LA’s share of film and television production has eroded as well, with much of the new work headed to Toronto, New Mexico, New Orleans, New York and Atlanta. All these cities offer richer incentives to attract productions than the world’s self-proclaimed “entertainment capital."

"Hey Zornie, Shanny Just Fell Behind Your Mark In DC!"

This pretty much sums it up. Other than this stat: First 23 Games: Zorn 10-13. Shanahan 9-14.

Boom... roasted.

Czabe,

Does anyone else see the similarity between Shanahan and all the other past overpaid Redskin free agent signings?  Of course Shanahan is a coach rather than a fat defensive lineman but the comfortable sense of entitlement and lack of accountability is still there.  Shanahan is making 7 million dollars this year which goes along with the “come to the Redskins to get paid” theme over the past 11 years.  Shanahan is 59 years old and has 2 rings.  What else does he have to prove in his career?  What drives him everyday other than getting paid an obscene amount of money. 

The whole situation allows him to casually hire his son which most people agree opens up the door for more drama and controversy that the Redskins are so used to.  It allows him to go 0 for 4 on quarterbacks but say things like “we know the quarterback position.”  And would someone who’s job/career/financial situation was on the line allow his sons roommate/BFF to start at quarterback??  Schwartz and Harbaugh literally fought on the field after the game.  Bilichick cheated to make sure he had the best chance to win.  He had a career to think about.  I dont condone cheating but the point is they have motivation, drive and urgency to build a team and make a name for themselves.  Shanahan has none of that.  He has a cushy situation in which really his only motivation is to give his sons career a bump in the right direction while he cashes 7 million dollar checks.  

Let’s not even get into the fact that his two of the brighter spots (Torain and Banks) were left off the opening roster last year and that he shoves the “scheme” down everyone’s throat even when he doesn’t have the personnel to fit it (not just offense – see 3-4 defense).  But again he could care less because of the same reasons Haynesworth could care less about laying on the field and chilling on his million dollar boat during OTAs.  No accountability, no motivation, no drive, and no sense of urgency.  It all comes back to the same thing – you can’t buy a championship. 

Matt Sol

"I Didn't Know Trick Extended To A Felony Trick"

We Are Who We Thought We Weren't

I returned to Washington, D.C. in the fall of 1999, and began full time on The Sports Reporters with Andy Pollin in the spring of 2000. That was when the first great Snyder splurge began. Bruce Smith, Jeff George, Deion and on and on. We know how that went.

There's been 3 playoff games in those 11 years. One inTampa (a lucky win with 116 yards of total offense), and two in Seattle (both losses). No division titles. We've had 7 head coaches, which is more than a new one every 2 years on average.

Kinda like your cellphone.

We've had a smattering of good home grown players, but nobody remotely worthy of being put on the Cover of SI, or the Cover of Madden. Nobody really relevant in the national scheme. Nobody really, really good...

And we've had flops.. disasters... debacles... Archuleta, Lloyd, Duckett, Taylor, Haynesworth... et al....

Andy and I have sat here on the radio and howled at the moon, we've brayed at the stupefying incompetence of it all. We've pounded our fists in cathartic anger....

And here we are, 23 games into the Shanahan era, and nothing has changed.

Nothing.

We are.... who we thought we were... a dysfunctional... dispiritied... and without a coherent path to respectability... team.

Be patient, they say. Okay.
He's a good coach, they say. Okay.

Once he finds HIS quarterback, we'll be on our way, they say.

Ohhhhkay.

But are we wrong to expect something more, in the meantime. Some fiestyness? Some innovation? Something bold, something new, something out of the box?

Something other than "he won 2 Super Bowls, so you shut up and sit down."

Preparing for my usual Monday re-cap of the game, and a balancing of micro issues (week to week, plays, players, and game situations) vs. the macro issues (roster, talent, scheme, coaching staff) I was contemplating a fire breathing, name naming, finger pointing, let's fire this guy, and that guy... and ol' what's his name... RANT....

Yet I managed to stop to myself to ask..... why... WHY... do I bother?

It hasn't worked for 11 years, why would it work now?

Something is wrong. Very, very, very... WRONG.. out there at 21300 Redskins Park Drive.

I fear, it's either a curse, or the culture.... and I'm not sure which one is easier to fix.

There's no pulse... there's no heartbeat... there's no... "there"... there.... right now, and I don't get it.

The injuries are not an excuse...

The talent is not... an excuse...

The lockout is not an excuse...

Even the QB.s... are not an excuse...

The Miami Dolphins came off a gut-punch, pie-in-the-face loss at home to Tim Tebow... and delivered a helluva fight against the Giants.

The St. Louis Rams shrugged off a world class whomping by the Cowboys, and used a backup QB to fully humiliate a Saints team coming off a 62 point game.

Don't tell me.... there's not enough talent here. There is. Do something with it.

You have exactly 2 more games to right the season. Two. Home against a somewhat overachieving 49ers team. Then away at the putrid Dolphins.

Win one. I'll still care. Barely.

Lose 'em both.. and go eff yourself.

I Declare These.... Awesome

Happy Halloween!

Craction Pool Week 8

Even though the Packers are on a BYE this week, you are playing for this RARE and AWESOME Donald Driver collectible McFarlane action figure. Right from my own shelf!

All you gotta do, is dial in the PERFECT Craction.com 4-way combination!

Sign up HERE, for free, and enjoy the game!

HALL of CHAMPIONS
Week 1: Shawn Brandt
Week 2: Larry Haslee/Ronnie Windsor
Week 3: Eric Hucke
Week 4: John Merrill
Week 5: John Sample
Week 6: Nate Faust
Week 7: John Heibel

Week 8: MAYBE You!....

Personally, I'm going to roll with Jimmy Masterlock's Picks, this week, because he IS a staggering 18-9-1!

Jimmy Sez:

New Orleans -14 at St. Louis
Washington +6 at Toronto Bills
Houston -10 vs. Jacksonville
New England -3 at Pittsburgh

Nothing Like A 999-1 Bet at $250 On the Brink of Coming Home To Focus The Mind

If THIS GUY (/cue Gruden voice) doesn't "hedge off" some of this payday with heavy action on the Rangers, then he's got "balls the size of church bells" (/cue Dabney Coleman in Dragnet).

Jim Haslett Was Not Exactly a "Hot" Coaching Property

Okay, this is a relatively petty argument, but one that has been bugging me for some time. It goes something like this.

When talking about the Redskins "staff" under Mike Shanahan, I have been less than enthralled with the resumes and caliber of the OC and DC. As I casually mentioned to my colleague and afternoon co-host on ESPN980, Andy Pollin, "well, we have a UFL coach and the head coach's kid for our coordinators. Not exactly a Hall of Fame tandem."

Andy can't take exception to the "coaches kid" jab, because, well, it's true.

The Jim Haslett moniker of "UFL coach" however, really rankles him - for some reason.

The point I was trying to make, and somehow keep failing with Andy, is that Haslett, once let go by the Rams as interim HC, was basically at the end of his coaching career. Which, while sad for him, is a reality for many coaches who "have their run" in the highest league in the land.

Not wanted by any other NFL team as a coordinator, Haslett had to accept the lowly gig in the fledgling UFL. When I point this out, Andy gets very pointed and defensive, saying "how do you know he didn't have offers to be a coordinator elsewhere in the NFL? Maybe he wanted to be a head coach again, and CHOSE the UFL instead."

Child, please.

I tried to impress upon Andy that the NFL, is, well, the NATIONAL....FOOTBALL..... LEAGUE..., and being a coordinator in that league is pretty damn good. Or, as Larry David would say, "pretty... pretty... good."

Only a blithering IDIOT, would turn down a DC job in the NFL, to take  HC job in the UFL for surely half the price, and with absolutely zero stability (see: league, folded).

Andy, however, rises with indignance when I say that, and fires back.... "and you KNOW this... BECAUSE...???"

Well, here's the show stopper, at least in my mind. From the Orlando Sentinel, by way of courtesy of e-mailer Jeremy Floam...

He became the St. Louis Rams defensive coordinator in 2006 and stayed there until last year. He took over as interim head coach when head coach Scott Lenihan was fired after Game 4. 

Haslett led the Rams to two straight wins, but then the team lost the final 10 games and Haslett was not asked to return. 

He was out of football and didn't know what to do with himself. "I was probably driving my family crazy. You go 16 years of waking up a four in the morning every day and working until 11 at night and then suddenly, you're doing nothing." 

He was considering the defensive coordinator job with Green Bay, also had another couple of opportunities with other teams as an assistant head coach, but nothing quite worked out. He was indeed, jobless. Until the UFL came along. "I figured, what the hell ... why not?"

Boom. Roasted.

"What the hell, why not?"
-Jim Haslett

Back to you, Andy.....

Thoughts on Optics, Replay, and Romanticism

Okay, so here it is. That's a touchdown in my book, by my eyes, every day that ends in a "y".

That didn't prevent, however, many of you (no doubt) Wisconsin fans from plaintively whining and begging for it to be otherwise. The common refrains I saw on Twitter were.... among others...

"It wasn't conclusive enough to overturn the call on the field!"
"You can't see the ball clearly!"
"Those camera angles are right on the goal line!"

Of course the camera angle isn't dead 90 degrees square, but that doesn't matter. As long as you draw the goal line at the same angle as it appears, then everything else is relative. It would only matter, if you DID draw a 90 degree line and say "see, the ball is outside!"

In this shot (and others) the play is a touchdown whether you apply the "least generous" portion of the goal line as it appears (the lower, nearest part) or the most generous (the upper, by the pylon). In fact, if the football were actually #53's shoulder #53, then it is STILL a touchdown, because only the prickly point of the football need scratch the front (leading) edge of the 6" painted white goal line.

But whatever. I can't be 1000% certain (because there is no such thing as 1000%) that brown blob is ACTUALLY the football, and not something else, but for the sake of getting the call right, I can accept that brown blob as "the ball."

The larger complaint seemed to center on the phraseology that overturned calls must have "conclusive" or "indisputable" evidence to the call on the field.

This wording has always been problematic in replay, college or pro. Here's why.

1. There is virtually nothing in the universe that is "indisputable." People dispute some of the most obvious and widely accepted things. (e.g. Chris Berman is a talentless ape).

2. The premise that the instant call on the field, made in real time, by officials who may, or may not, be in correct position deserves primacy over the subsequent replay determination.

This is absurd.

What the wording of the replay rule SHOULD read, is as follows. "The play on the field shall stand, if the video evidence is of no assistance in clarifying the call."

A video replay, of a ball completely obscured by bodies, is of no assistance and as such, you must revert to the call on the field. But nowadays, with HD and multiple angles, this is almost never the case.

When there is video evidence of a call, it is ALWAYS more accurate and reliable than a call on the field.

Always.

How? Because the human eye cannot freeze frame a single moment at 1/30th of a second and gaze at that frame for as long as it likes. The human brain cannot synthesize 3 different camera angles of a play in real time, and make that call within 5 seconds of the play ending.

Video replays are (almost) always more accurate than calls on the field in the same way that an x-ray is more accurate than a doctor just feeling your innards with his hands.

What some fans are really saying when they plead that this play lacked "sufficient" evidence to overturn a call on the field, is that they want the more "romanticized" notion of officiating to decide such a taut, highly entertaining football game.

The "old school" notion of "quick, was he in or out" referee call that we all grew up with.

Those calls were often wrong, but alas, never in doubt. They were made and you just had to live with the injustice. To some, I'm sure, this application of scientific, forensic officiating "justice" just didn't seem right. Too clinical. Too technical.

Yes, to the naked eye, the play looked like a "not-quite" touchdown. In the old days, it would have stood as such. And in crummy 480p standard definition, with only 1 reliable camera angle, it might not have even looked like a TD upon the dreaded "further review."

But not in 2011, with HD cameras all over the place. He's in. You can't drink him back to the 1 yard line, Badger fans, even though you are welcome to try.

I would be fine with going back to the more "romantic" method of officiating. I think replay still gets plenty of stuff wrong (Jerome Boger missed a no-brainer of an incomplete pass in my Redskins game, even after staring at it in the booth) and the time it takes is just sucking... the... life... out... of... games.

Replay can't be used on some of the most egregious calls that change games (pass interference, holding) and as such it doesn't really deliver a perfectly officiated game.

I think it moves the needle from 98% accurate, to 99% accurate and that's just not worth it, in my mind.

Finally, there's a real sticky situation that hasn't happened yet, but may some day soon. Say this play had been ruled a TD, and yet the video showed clearly that MSU's player was stopped short. Let's also say it would have ENDED the game, and not just sent it to overtime.

Well, then. What referee has the stones to take that score off the board, duck the debris from the natives on the way to the tunnel, and hope not to star in a real life version of the Allstate Insurance mayhem series "fleeing referee" commercial?

You would hope, every ref would. But I can't be so sure.

Craction Pool Week 7

This week we're playing for the "Old School" Fightin' Donkeys helmet (circa 1962!) and all you have to do is sign up for Czabe's Craction.com league, right here, it's free baby!

HALL of CHAMPIONS
Week 1: Shawn Brandt
Week 2: Larry Haslee/Ronnie Windsor
Week 3: Eric Hucke
Week 4: John Merrill
Week 5: John Sample
Week 6: Nate Faust
Week 7: Maybe.... YOU!

Personally, I'm going to roll with Jimmy Masterlock's Picks, this week, because he IS a staggering 15-8-1!

Jimmy Sez:

Carolina +3 vs. Washington

Arizona +4 vs. Pittsburgh

Denver +2 at Miami

Dallas -13 vs. St. Louis

Jimmy's Long Lost Mentor

If you ever wondered where the inspiration came from, well then, wonder no more....

Chalk One Up For My Ol' Team!

As they say.... "Saxon Golf /insert high voice/... championship."

Once upon a time, I was senior captain of the mightly Langley links-ers. It was 1986. We did not win state. In fact, we didn't even make it to state, as a team.

Yours truly, shot 79-80 over two days at Algonkian Regional Park GC to land in a two-for-one spot playoff for an individual spot in the state championships at the Regional Finals.

I missed a 10 foot par putt that would have won it on the first hole. Then bogeyed the second hole to end my high school golf career.

These young punks, are way better than I ever was. I am very proud of them. Sasparilla's on the Czabe, guys!

Shut The Front Door!

Three words: Albino. Cyclops. Shark.

Holy f***.

A fisherman has discovered what appears to be an albino cyclops shark with a single eye in the centre of its face - and scientists say it’s real. The cyclops fetus was cut from the belly of a pregnant bull shark caught in the Gulf of California. Shark researchers who have examined the creature say it is genuine and not a fake - although it is unlikely it would have survived the birth.

And the Raiders traded a 1st and 2nd rounder to the Bengals for Carson Palmer at the trade deadline.

You can flip a coin as to which story leaves you - as Clark Griswold would say - "more surprised than if I woke up with my head sewed to the carpet."

Jim Hard-paw

Hip-Hip Hooray, For Useless Idiots

This one nails it out of the (Zuccoti) park....

They’re used to ranting vaguely about “the system” and “the man,” but now people want more specifics, and it confuses them. 

They thought complaining about the “greed” of “Wall Street bankers” was more specific than they usually are. Maybe that doesn’t really sync with their desire for student-loan forgiveness (as loaning $100,000 to people allergic to work isn’t so much “greed” as plain stupidity), but no one seemed to care about coherency before. 

That’s why they get so indignant when people ask what their demands are -- figuring out what they want is other people’s job; they always just made noise. A hippie protesting is like a baby crying: It doesn’t know what needs to be done -- or often even exactly what the problem is -- it just knows something is wrong, so it makes noise until an adult comes and fixes things. But when people already know something is wrong and are trying to fix things, the baby crying is nothing more than headache-inducing. 

That’s the dilemma for hippies. They have no place when people must deal with real problems. You don’t see hippies in war-torn Third World countries; useless idiots are a luxury.

As Michael Scott would say: "Boom. Roasted."

"Good Game, Coach"

Since it is one of those "must have" opinions in sports today, and this week, let me just get my take on the table and for the record.

1. Jim Harbaugh was wrong.
2. Jim Harbaugh ran like a girl when it was clear Schwartz had something to say.
3. Schwartz's reputation as a "class act" is not exactly rock solid either.
4. The NFL should fine both coaches a small amount (5k) and be done.
5. Coaches should be allowed to say "I shake hands before the game, not after."

Okay, that's where I stand. Now, something else from the incident that is worth bringing to light. Mike Pereira points out that Harbaugh might well have been aware of Schwartz clowning him during the game from his own sideline. 

As he was being tackled by Patrick Willis, Willis stripped the ball out of Pettigrew’s hands, but Pettigrew was already down. Harbaugh tried to challenge the ruling, but was penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct.

While replay did its job on this play, confirming the ruling, Harbaugh attempted to challenge the ruling on the field and was hit with the penalty. Coaches are not allowed to challenge inside of two minutes if they are out of challenges, if they are out of timeouts or if a play is ruled a score.

Harbaugh deserved the penalty, but didn’t deserve the verbal abuse that came from the Lions coach on the other sideline. Schwartz was seen on television mocking Harbaugh by yelling something like, "Know the rules," except with a little off-color language thrown in.

Although Harbaugh denied seeing it, it makes me wonder whether the ill will didn’t start right there. Because with as many television cameras that cover the NFL these days, everybody sees everything. And I’m sure someone must have told him.What's funny, is that a more seasoned coach with a real resume, could pull out the ol' "well, this ain't college, Jimmy Rah Rah" angle on Harbaugh. But who the hell is Jim Schwartz? A nobody, really. So he has no standing or stature to pull that off.

For me, I am fascinated at the undeclared, yet undeniable importance of a post-game ritual that lasts - at best! - 2 seconds. Look at the end of an NFL game, and you'll see a gaggle of vested photographers converge to document the handshake. TV networks will purposely slow walk the ending of their telecast, just to make sure they get the "handshake" on TV.

Hell, it's not the Yalta Conference. It's a handshake!

Bottom line is this: it shouldn't be so hard for coaches, competitive or "fiery" as they may be, to share a respectful game concluding handshake with each other and then part ways.

What Harbaugh did would have been unacceptable in any situation. He's lucky it took Schwartz a second to realize Jimmy College was being a total jackass, and intentionally showing him up. He's also lucky he didn't get dotted in the eye.

It doesn't make Schwartz right. He can be a jumpy jackass of his own. But Harbaugh is going to be a targeted man by the rest of the league from here on out.

Craction Pool Week 6

Craction Pool Time!

This week, we've got a slammin', vintage, hard to find Fighting Donkeys mini-helmet, autographed by ME, if you want it. Or clean, if you don't!

All yours, if you just nail the Craction Code for the week in the NFL!

SIGN UP HERE FOR CZABE'S LEAGUE!

Meanwhile, our winner last week was

HALL of CHAMPIONS
Week 1: Shawn Brandt
Week 2: Larry Haslee/Ronnie Windsor
Week 3: Eric Hucke
Week 4: John Merrill
Week 5: Maybe.... YOU!

Kenyon Martin Knows How To Win Friends and Influence People

This, from Adrian Wojnarowski's excellent piece on the current NBA labor standoff....

Sometimes, the players union makes it so easy for the NBA. Before the talks fell apart without a deal on Monday, Players Association president Derek Fisher had an idea: Let’s flood people’s Twitter timelines with pointless catch phrases and hashtags, a plan born from the NFLPA and “The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training.” “Let us play,” Fisher told the players to post, forgetting that the public’s response – besides un-following his Twitter account out of sheer annoyance – was to tell the players to simply take the deal the owners were offering. 

This wasn’t an idea out of the union’s smartest PR mind, Dan Wasserman, but one of the consulting pockets of the Players Association that do nothing but waste the players’ dues. 

Before you know it, there was Kenyon Martin calling for his “haters” to die of “full-blown AIDS,” and inviting everyone else giving him a hard time on Twitter to send along a home address, so he could come to your house and “kick your ass.” 

Martin isn’t the norm, but he’s who many people want to believe populate this NBA. And why give them the chance on Monday, when the players could’ve let Stern have the bad-guy stage all to himself? 

For better or worse, NBA players will never win public sympathy. They have every right to this labor fight, but it is their fight and their fight alone. It isn’t shared with the fans, the arena workers, no one. The sooner they understand that, the easier this will go for them. Forget the PR fight – just win the fight.

REACT: The problem isn't so much that fans think the league is FULL of people like Kenyon Martin. We don't. Give us some credit. The problem is that Kenyon Martin does exist. Having one of him, is enough. And he made $16 million last year to play 48 games and post 8 points per game.

Stupid owners? Sure. They gave him that money. I get it.

But most reasonable fans think owners should be able to wake up one day and simply say: "I am getting out of the Kenyon Martin business" and do just that. Be done with him.

If Kenyon Martin is not that bad of a guy, and still a valuable asset to a team, then surely another club will quickly pounce on that owner's "mistake" of letting him go.

If I were the NBA owners, I would tell the players this: "Either give up guaranteed contracts, or accept a franchise tag. Your choice." The money split isn't really the issue. Let them keep 57% even. Just let it be known, that without a guaranteed deal in place, your $16 million salary - can, and will - be re-directed to another player next season.

So try to be coachable, and please don't tell fans whom you disagree with to "die of full blown AIDS."

Pretty Good Traj on That Tiger Weiner Toss

Too bad Tiger didn't step back, and say loudly to the idiot: "Oh, sorry dude. I didn't know that was your wife." And it's a good thing Stevie "The Violent Bag Ape" Williams wasn't still on the bag, because Stevie would have pulled one of the officers guns from his holster, shoved it down the guy's throat gangster style, and made him wet his pants muttering an apology through a polished steel gun barrel.

"I Should Have Married John Clark"

There's a commercial running right now for AT&T, that I wonder how it made it through a conference room of creative writers without getting shot down for being utterly stupid, and offensive to at least 50% of it's intended audience.

The commercial, is the one where the whipped husband, sheepishly tells his disapproving wife, he's added unlimited text messaging to their cell phone plan. She then summons the steeds of bitchiness and contempt, to belittle this guy for wasting such household money without discussing it with her first.

Does anybody notice, this cranky yenta is busy watering her precious hothouse flowers?

I would venture to say, if you own a home with a greenhouse, you are not strapped for cash for extra cell phone minutes. Unless she's working at a local nursery, and this poor sap just came by to update the missus on the cell plan, and let her take a free swinging kick at his manhood in the process. (Doubtful).

Assuming many men DO control the cell phone plan at home, how exactly is this commercial going to make them feel like calling AT&T and getting a piece of that? So, whatever. Another commercial where men are made out as spineless, stupid, helpless saps without their better halves.

I suppose there are an equal number of commercials that freely clown women with the same degree of condescension. But maybe not. Do me a favor folks, and remind me of what those commercials are.