Quickrete, Purple Martins, and Clover

Because blogs can be such empty intellectual calories, why not let you loyal readers know about three things that are about as significant as a pimple on Rosie's ass?

So here we go...

The Good!

Hey, I can't believe it! My $96 (plus shipping) purple martin house has attracted some tenants! Cute little buggers, I must say. They buzz around like freakin' bats! I was very skeptical that I would get any of them to find this lovely birdie condo just 2.5 months after I threw it up there, but lo and behold!




Then you had my ongoing quickrete drama with Bob and Brian. Who knew that mixing up some bags of quickcrete would be so complicated, but I suppose you have to screw it up a few times first, before you get the hang of it. Here's my crude effort on the tee pad. Looks like a grey rice krispy treat, no? This is what happens when you are too cheap to buy a trowel, don't use the proper amount of bags for a full 2 or 4 inch thick slab, and spend only 5 minutes running a 2x4 over it to level. Still, with the range mat on top, it'll be jiffy spiffy for my needs. Next tee box, I promise to do better.



Now, to the bane of my lawn existence! Freaking white clover! I know that I can attack this crap with a post-emergent (the pre-emergent weed n' feed did nothing). And I plan to do just that. I also know that clover helps put nitrogen INTO the soil - a concept that sorta threw me for a loop, but the more I read about it the more I "get it." I also think that a quick hot spell here in the DC area caused the clover to really POP when a more gradual warm up would have allowed more of my grass to wake up and thrive.

Now, I'm off to Pinehurst for the annual golf trip. I plan to bring the ol' digicam. Let's hope some incriminating photos to follow!

The Audacity of Glass

How long is it until Barry decides to just ditch the prompter, relies on notecards, and maybe shortens his blowhardery just a bit?

That, and some practice.

Because the teleprompter king keeps tripping over his transparently projected words.

Here's the latest....



But remember, he's brilliant. And Bush was a moron. Okay. Let's not lose sight of that.

I mean, it's not like when Bush - that Texas bumpkin! - decided to choke the air with greenhouse gasses, use military resources on a photo op, and scare the living shit out of 8 million people in New York City by buzzing the still rebuilding World Trade Center site with a needless fly-by of an empty Air Force One!

Oh, wait a minute. That wasn't Bush.... never mind.

But hey, maybe that teleprompter will be an inspiration to all of us in America. We too can be anything we want, as long as the words are written for us, and projected 5 feet in front of our face!

Meanwhile, I had no idea how creatively funny the photoshop-osphere could be!











Bush. That idiot.

The NFL's New $41 Million Man

Skip Oliva is a friend/enemy whom I've made angry, entertained, broken up with, got back together with, and basically been round and round on.

Skip used to live here in Washington D.C. and created his own think tank regarding the government abuses of anti-trust laws and regulations.

He's been fascinating to read/listen to, because he will actually walk all the way down the path of "what would really happen if Utah's anti-trust complaint about the BCS actually got rolling."

(Note: It's not a pretty path, but I'll save that for later someday.)

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TO: Czabe FROM: Skip Oliva RE: Stafford Deal I know how much you enjoy random stats, so here's a graf from an article I posted about Matthew Stafford's new contract: "Of the 32 players who started the majority of the 2008 season at the quarterback position, the mean draft position was 90 and the median 62. (These averages are actually generous, since three starters went un-drafted, so for purposes of this analysis I assigned them one spot below the last player selected.) As for quarterbacks selected in the draft's first round, the recent evidence suggests at least a 50% failure rate. Taking the 16 quarterbacks selected between 2002 and 2006 - that is, quarterbacks with three full playing seasons since the NFL expanded to 32 teams - only eight are still with the team that selected them, and only seven are considered starters today. (And two of these seven may lose their starting jobs before the season begins.)" Skip

REACT: Which proves that for all of he so called "sophistication" of the NFL talent evaluation process (endless camps, workouts, 40 yard dash times, film sessions, etc.) teams are still compelled by the shiny object in the window. Quarterback. Is it the single most important position on the field? Probably, but there's a debate that can be had about that. (another day...) Getting to your franchise QB however, is most often NOT as simple as picking him out of college, and plunking him into your starting lineup.

False Hope

I don’t mean to dash any Redskin fans from booking Super Bowl reservations, but let’s remember one key thing about Saturday’s draft in which Dan Snyder failed to land the object of his desire - QB Mark Sanchez - and had to settle for simply the best player on the board, in a position of need.

They still tried to trade up anyway.

See that’s the thing that hit me driving home from our radio coverage on ESPN980.

We still tried.

So in other words, I’m reluctant to say that Snyder has “learned” or that there’s a new, smarter “philosophy” at work in Redskinland.

There’s not.

And we still have the QB that management clearly doesn’t like.

Now as far as Brian Orakpo goes. Fabulous. Kid looks like a monster. Let’s hope he can play. I say this because OT Mike Williams looked like a beast coming out of Texas too. The Skins landed him this week with nothing more than a phone call and a free sandwich.

Problem is, Williams was - and has been - long since out the league. But hey, maybe two full years of inactivity has done him good.

Vinny Cerrato joked and cackled that Buffalo didn’t want Orakpo because they had such a bad experience with Texas guys like Williams and Derrick Dockery.

“So now, we’ve got all their Texas guys,” cackled Vinny like a school kid.

The cackle said it all.

1. I’m a buffoon. What other NFL GM looks and sounds like I do? Answer: none.

2. Those Bills are IDIOTS! Not drafting a guy just because he went to a certain school! Ha! We’re so much more sophisticated than that! Like when we drafted a punter last year. Watched him get beat out in training camp. Cut the other guy anyway, because we wanted to say we went “10 for 10” on draft picks making the team. Then watched the rookie screw up holds, shank crucial punts inside our own territory. Then we denied their was a problem to the media for about 3 weeks, and then had to cut the kid anyway and bring in a dude from www.punters.com. Yeah. Those Bills are clowns.

Essentially what happened was this: the Jets both had the goods to deal (a 2nd rounder would have come in handy, what did we do with tha… oh… that’s right. Jason Taylor. Hmm. Oh well. Seemed like a good idea at the time..) and the cheap warm bodies that Eric Mangini thinks can help him.

I’m not even sure the Redskins #1 and #2 next year would have been enough. It was apparently an inside job all the way.

And the Jets can have Mark Dirty Sanchez.

The guy is a PROSPECT. Period. Taking him “naked” at #13 without paying anything to move up would have been risky enough.

Steve Young raved on ESPN that he was impressed with how Sanchez carried himself. Called him “presidential” in his business demeanor.

Whatever.

Notice how most USC QB’s are throwing to dudes who are at least 4 steps behind their defenders? Yeah. That happens all the time in the pros, too.

I’m amazed that when Matt Leinart, slipped to 10, it was like a MAJOR SCANDAL! And Leinart had a chest full of college football medals that made him look like Col. Nathan Jessup in “A Few Good Men” compared to Sanchez.

And yet, nobody it seems, wanted to explore the whole “maybe we’re just suckers for handsome QB’s from a dominant program” theory.

So the Skins were thwarted in their quest for more stupidity by the Jets and Browns, but don’t think that will keep ‘em down for long.

In the meantime, I hope Orakpo is just half as mean as he looks. If so, we might just have a defense that can wreak some havoc, not just pile up decent yards/against numbers.

Meet The Redneck Bernie Madoff In Cleats

Ever wonder what it would be like to take the psychotic arrogance of Donald Trump, the fiscal irresponsibility of Michael Vick, and the scammer's hustle of Bernie Madoff - then cram it all into a giant blender and hit "puree"?

If you did, you'd have Lenny Dykstra.

Here, let me tell you what you are going to do for lunch today. You are going to click here on this Mike Fish article on Dykstra's house of financial cards as it teeters on collapse. You are going to hit "print."

Then you are going to sit down and order your soup and sandwich, start reading a nearly 8,000 word opus to the biggest shitbag ex-athlete you've ever seen who is not currently in jail, and wonder aloud: "How did this redneck douchebag ever make enough money to start ripping people off for millions in the first place?"

Best of all, my Milwaukee Brewer friends! He has a son, "Cutter" who is currently in the minors.

In Wisconsin!

Good times, good times. If he ever makes the big club and starts making some real money, you can expect the father-son relationship to be so chilly, that it will make the Fielder Family Reunions seem like an episode of The Waltons.

My Draft Board Only Goes Up To Three

As a professional sports radio host, I assume that it is my duty and responsibility to hype up the NFL draft. At this point, with just 2 days to go, I should be chock full of all kinds of proclamations, opinions, and thoughts on who is going to be any good, and what teams would be NUTS not to select whom.

Sadly, I have fallen short.

I cannot muster the typical sports radio bluster, because to do so would be enormously hypocritical at best, douchbaggy at worst.

When professional talent scouts, and even more highly paid television "draft experts" do such a poor job of figuring this stuff out, then why would my particular guess on a player amount to anything more than the secretary filling out an NCAA pool sheet. (She beat me this year..... Again.)

So let's start with the disclaimers.

1. Nobody is going to know anything about anybody for at least 3 years. You simply can't declare a guy a total "bust" until he's had that window to get his shit right.

2. Nobody really knows what various NFL teams are "planning" to do. Especially because they themselves are flexible up until their name comes up on the podium this weekend. And they are all liars. In fact, I want my team lying. All the time. To me, to other GM's, to Mel Kiper, and especially to Peter King, since he is the easiest sucker to fool.

3. Unless you are a professional football scout, you have no way to really rate a lineman on offense, or most secondary players on defense. You just don't. Half the time, you can't even see the corners and safeties on a TV until the play is half over.

Now, as couch potato fans, we CAN (or more accurately, we THINK we can) evaluate things like QB, RB, WR and LB.

As far as I'm concerned, I only have 3 real "girlfriends" that I lust over in this draft. They are below, with convenient YouTube tributes, in case you needed them.

Now, maybe all 3 guys will suck. Maybe I'm a gullible, 1-dimensional fool. But as far as my "eye test" goes, these studs can play for me anytime.

PS: You can have both big name QB's. Don't really blow my skirt up. Either guy.


Knowshon Moreno


Michael Crabtree


Rey Maualuga

Dukes Can't Seem to Duck Controversy

A lot of scuttlebutt is being made of the Nationals disciplining outfielder Elijah Dukes for being 5 minutes late to the ballpark after making a “charity” appearance at the opening day for a Little League in Great Falls, VA.

Some of the well heeled citizens of the area - and for those not from D.C., just think of Great Falls as the hilly, densely tree covered, bucolic version of Beverly Hills. Replace actors with rich politicians, lobbyists, and the like, and you get the picture – are now crying foul because Elijah was soooooo niiicceee to their kiddies, and hey, it was “only” 5 minutes late.

Sorry.

Late is late. And this guy is out of chances.

I was watching the excellent feature on Charlie Manuel on HBO’s Real Sports the other night. He told Frank Deford he only had two rules as manager.

1. On time.
2. Hustle.

That’s it! Deford seemed amazed at the simplicity, but when you think of it in baseball terms, all good things come from those two little rules.

Besides, anybody who knows how pro sports teams operate, know that being on time is taken very, very seriously. Why? Because with 20+ millionaires or more on a team, ALL OF THEM think THEY are somehow special, and ALL of them would start pushing the lateness envelope if clubs made exceptions.

What annoyed me, was that I didn’t seem to get the sense that anybody from Great Falls Little League took it upon themselves to MAKE SURE that Mr. Dukes made it from the land of 5 acre horse estates and $2 million dollar Potomac River mansions, all the way down to Southeast D.C.

It might be the most winding, arduous, tortured Point A to Point B “commute” you could draw on the DC-VA-MD map!

Sure, the Little League said they would take up a collection to pay his fine ($500) and then also paid him $500 up front. But how about making sure you don’t get the guy in trouble?

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Thanks to you guys, the Steve Czaban Show podcast on iTunes is rockin’! Here’ the latest from the tech guys at SIM:

Attached are the stats for the Fox Sports radio podcast of Czabe’s show. You can see that they are slowly increasing every day. The drops in numbers are the weekends, and then they go right back up. The screenshot is from itunes. We went from being on page 2 under the (Sports > Professional) area for the new and notable area. It’s also currently #90 in the top 100 podcasts under the (Sports > Professional) area.

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I don’t know about anybody else, but I give the Lions a nice THUMBS UP to their logo “tweak.” Here’s the new, and the old, so you can compare.





Like the Arizona Cardinals when they went to a subtle, slightly more “angry” bird, this update is just right. While the pretty red birdfeeder bird is not AT ALL indigenous to the desert southwest, the logo is certainly indigenous and widely recognized in NFL history – albeit mostly as a laughingstock.

Same too, the Lions. I never did like that flat, silhouetted Lion cut-out logo, but also think it’s important to maintain the original feel. This tweak gives some nice dimension to the Lion, and a snazzy new font that’s not obnoxious.

Maybe the curse of Bobby Layne really is, ovah?

Well, At Least We're Getting Free Books Now!

I remember during the election run-up, that our Dear and Great Leader Barack Obama once said in a speech that a victory for him would help mark the moment "when the rise of the oceans began to slow, and our planet began to heal."

I don't know about the planet healing, but I do suspect the oceans are holding steady now that the endless stream of hysterical Obama-bot tears at his inauguration have finally dried up.

But okay, I'll try to be open minded, I thought. Maybe the rest of the world WILL cut us some slack, now that the Texas punching bag is back on the ranch. Never mind that I was 99.9% convinced that the rest of the world hated us on the basis of their own self-loathing and weakness.

We are the Yankees. It's that simple.

So, let's see how we're doin'......

Pirates running wild off of Somalia.
Iran convicting a US journalist as a "spy."
Hugo Chavez shoving anti-American books in O's face.
Europe giving us absolutely zero help on Afghanistan.
North Korea lobbing long range rockets over Japan's head.

Oh, fun, fun times!

But I can feel the respect coming. I really can.

Can I please get a few honest liberals out there to come clean and declare this little election fantasy to be just that - a fantasy?

Really, it would do all of us good, to realize that everybody else's opinion of the U.S. is non-negotiable, and totally impervious to the "audacity of hope."

When the chips are down, we've got 3 friends. And they are, in order. 1) Britain 2) Australia 3) Canada. (I might throw a few newly freed Eastern Block countries in the mix, but I wan't them to earn it.)

Everybody else, you're on our list.

So let's dispatch with the ugly business of keeping the lid on the global boiling pot as we've done for decades now, with little or no thanks.

We can start by remembering how to tie dead pirates to the yardarm.

I read with amusement and horror the account of how NATO forces chased a group pirates for SEVEN HOURS in the dark, only to catch them - and THEN LET THEM GO!

Nice work.

But hey, don't worry. Hillary Clinton is a fast learner!

Speaking after meeting Dutch Foreign Minister Maxime Verhagen, Clinton said the two agreed "it sends the wrong signal" to the pirates operating off the coast of Somalia.

She said the United States and others would work to hold "these pirate-criminals" accountable for the actions, adding that the "Contact Group on Piracy Off the Coast of Somalia" would meet in New York in early May to discuss the issue.

Yeahhhhhhh... you do that.

In the meantime, maybe we can arm shipping vessels with advanced NERF rocket systems. It can't be less effective than the current policy, and those toys are a helluva a lot of fun!



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Speaking of fun toys, I couldn't help but ask myself: "What about those cool disc-launcher guns I played with as a kid!!! What were those called??"

Ha! Found 'em!



These guns were the source of hours and hours and hours of fun growing up. I remember me and Mike Nelson playing shootout in his house with plastic discs ricocheting harmlessly off walls, windows, and ceramic vases.

The guns were perfect. The discs came out at sufficient speed to be exciting. Were too light to hurt you or anything inside the house. And were big enough and brightly colored enough to findable.

I should buy the rights to the toy, and re-launch it.

I recall the prolonged shootouts, which resembled the scene in the Angelina Jolie - Brad Pitt spy movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

Ah, childhood.

And Now, Time To Go Count My Money!

I’m not saying John Madden was mailing it in at the end, but when you outsource the computer generated “color analysis” on your best selling video game to Cris Collinsworth, then you pretty much know the end is near.

Kudos to the big fella for knowing it himself, and pulling the plug before somebody was forced to do something ugly.

John Madden retires as the most well known, well paid, and well liked NFL analyst ever.

The rest is up for debate.

Was he the best? Not hardly, not by my eyes and ears.

Was he the hardest working? I doubt it. I think most others matched his preparation or exceeded it, once Madden showed how much coin you could make in the profession.

Will he be missed? Not really, but I’m sorry if your Sunday Nights just won’t be the same.

When Madden’s announcement came down last week, several colleagues said: “Well, Czabe, you won’t have him to kick around anymore.” Which got me to thinking. Did I really kick him that hard? Was he so famous, so rich, so popular that he wasn’t allowed to be kicked every now and then to keep him honest?

When he fell asleep briefly on the air with Al Michaels in mid-sentence at the Hall of Fame Game? When he failed to recognize Al’s wry gambling references as they flew harmlessly over his head at 30,000 feet? When he would talk in such circles, that it resembled what a dog would sound like, if a dog could do play-by-play on itself chasing it’s own tail?

No, I think I was fair with Madden.

My biggest push back was never against him per se, or his work, it was just the incessant media fawning over the guy. The same kind of genuflecting that went on all day on Friday in the wake of his retirement.

Enough, people.

He did not “help popularize the sport” as my co-host Andy Pollin tried to insist. The NFL was already on a rocket ship to the moon, Madden just rode it.

As for the video game, let’s also be real.

EA Sports, located conveniently in Silicon Valley, hitched it’s wagon to the local boy gone big time, and helped push HIS star even further! People rave about Madden and his idiotic (read: great!) video game, and they think he actually had more than 1% of input on how the thing worked!

It’s not like he wrote the early code for Madden ’94 for the Sega Genesis.

So much of Madden’s early announcing success, came because of his perfect pairing with minimalist Pat Summerall. Pat’s words left un-spoken, left a big stage for Madden to play on. And Pat never failed to set up John to look good.

This may shock some of you who have listened to my shows for years, because I once CRUSHED Summerall too for his blunders. But that was in the dying years of his broadcasting abilities. Summerall in his prime, was not only sublime on NFL Football, but also very soothing and solid while doing the Masters. I’m glad Summerall is still with us, and in still good enough health to be heard by me on various shows last week.

And the same I will feel about Madden. God bless him. He had a great career. And he deserved every bit of it. But I’m not going to start commissioning any statues for the guy, or anoint him the “greatest TV sportscaster ever!”

I am however, worried about my buddy Frank Caliendo’s mood at this point. Never before has one spot on impersonation, launched such a Hollywood/Stand Up career.

First, Billy Packer. Now, John Madden. Dick Vitale, you are “on the clock!”

One Tall (Timber) Medical Story

I now have a new line to use on my doctor when I go in for a check up and - thankfully, usually – get a clean bill of health.

“But doc, are you sure there's no pine trees growing inside my anywhere?”

This story from Russia has stirred a fair amount of water cooler debate as to it's veracity. I called bullshit, for no other reason that its...

a. Russia
b. The Internet!

But like many internet stories, the real fun only begins with the actual story, the best comes from the comment section. Here's a few I pulled out...

On the “Hey, You Never Know” side of things...


Surprisingly enough there is enough light shining through a human body to promote growth of a plant. You can shine a torch light through your hand and see the light glowing through. This is thicker than the skin and flesh around your chest.

On the “This Guy Sounds Like He Knows His Stuff” side...

The only reason objects show up on an xray is if it has sufficient density. Wood is not dense enough to show up that bright on an xray unless it has calcified, the post excision photo clearly show that is hasn't. The xray is also of a child not a 28 year old. As you can clearly see the growth plate of the shoulder has not yet fused. This fuses on a normal person at about 16 years of age. My guess is its a fake.

Then from the “Cheap Yuks” department...

Oh sure there was a tree growing in his lungs and in that tree they also found a birds nest, a lost kite and the head of an axe which got broken off it's handle when the the little people, who live in his stomach tried to cut it down. They were ever so hungry and needed the wood to built a fire so they could cook up chunks of his liver.

Or...

Was the doctor who operated a tree surgeon? Did he decide to go out on a limb and branch out? He longed to go back to being a proper surgeon: so he was no doubt pining.

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Speaking of trees, I need to correct myself. On a recent Czabecast, I said that you “can't just uproot a 150 year old oak tree and plop it in your backyard.”

Um, wrong, ding-dong.

Here's two pieces of evidence...

The first comes from Augusta National, where money is no object, and they CAN move massive trees in the dead of night without anybody noticing!

Go to the Masters Interactive page here, and click on the "Masters Today: Monday Edition" . At the 2:18 mark of Jim Huber's feature, you'll see where Augusta REPLACED a massive oak tree that had died, with one that Huber claims is "virtually identical" to the old one!

Then there was this little picture sent to me, which needs no further comment.



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Steve,

Look at this photo from your pod cast and tell me who is trying to intimidate who? I do not recall the entire scene of the handshake but notice that both Tiger and Phil didn't remove their caps.

Tedd Mentink

COMMENT: I think both Tiger AND Phil were a little bit too gung ho on this, considering both guys should have known there were playing an exhibition, and had no realistic chance at winning. Also, it is only customary (to my knowledge) to remove your cap while shaking hands AFTER a round. In fact, even when I play goofball rounds with the boys, I ALWAYS remove my cap and sunglasses and make sure to shake hands with the group right after the pin is stuck back in the 18th hole. I know, it seems corny. Especially when I'm sometimes as drunk as a Kennedy and holding a 92 on my card. But I like golf etiquette and traditions, and I think since one doesn't cost anything, why not “full honors” when you have the chance?

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Corey Gallagher writes..

After seeing three of their friends get taken out simultaneously by Navy Seals, all 20 year old Somali men inadvertently made their first ever Seinfeld reference...

"But I don't wanna be a pirate!!"

(Also a phrase used by every Pittsburgh Pirate draftee since 1995.)

Love the show,
Corey

COMMENT: Nicely, played, sir! I think its time for me to dust off the ol' Blu-Ray of “Black Hawk Down”, wait until the missus is gone some evening, and sit back and crank that bitch up. It still galls me to this day, that we didn't loop back into Mogadishu and flatten about 12 square blocks, but that's an argument for another day. Still, that movie is one of the most intense, militarily harrowing, visually awesome movies of all time. Like any 10 year old boy trapped in the body of a 40 year old man, watching and hearing those Blackhawks and the badass MH-6 Little Bird come flying into the city while hugging the coastline, is just spine tingling.



LAST ADD: Of all the cheesy, poorly executed knockoff “Successories” posters I've had forwarded to me over the years, this one is worth a click and save.


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Isaiah and Florida International: A Match Made in Hell

Isaiah Thomas is back in business.

Florida International has deemed him the “best man for the job” for their basketball program.

Which would be sort of like making Kelvin Sampson your NCAA compliance officer.

If you don’t know Florida International, it’s a school best known for a bench clearing melee against Miami in football a few years ago.

Here, enjoy the YouTube if you somehow missed this epic bit of joint thuggery…..



I also submit for your enjoyment, the courageous involvement of one A’Mod Ned of FIU. Although he was clearly injured and not available to play that night, he WAS available to crack some skulls! Probably with his crutches!



It’s the sort of bravery that makes, a legend grow over time, you know.



Not unlike the legend of Zeke The Franchise Destroyer!

So let’s review.

Isaiah Thomas was a fantastic college and NBA player. National Championship under Knight at Indiana. Two NBA rings. One of the 50 Greatest players of all time.

Then he retired and all hell broke loose. In fact, pretty much everywhere Zeke went, the building caught on fire, and he managed to run out the back door before the engines arrived to douse the rubble.

He started in Toronto as a part-owner and EVP of the expansion team. That lasted 4 years, when he was forced out. Believe who you want on that one. Not like the Raptors are the Patriots of the NBA, but then again, Isaiah was involved.

Then he took the CBA down in stunning fashion. He bought it for $5 million, then refused an offer for $11 million from the NBA to make it the “official” minor league of the NBA. Well done. Conspiracy theorists say Isaiah was merely a tool of David Stern to clear the decks for the NBA’s own D-League.

Neither plain incompetence or Stern’s long evil hand on that would surprise me. I call it a push.

He did alright with the Pacers as coach, but took the team nowhere far in the post-season. The Pacers glory years came later under Rick Carlisle.

Then, there was the Knicks.

Good …. Gawd!

The bad moves came in flurries. Fired coaches, bloated contracts, malcontent players. Overpay Larry Brown. Clash with Larry Brown. Fire Larry Brown. Dispute his payout. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

Then Isaiah said “move over, let me try coaching.”

That didn’t work out so well either.

Meanwhile, he was sexually harassing employees, and turning a blind eye to other player shenanigans with the Knicks City Dancers. He also reportedly said he “didn’t care about those fucking white people.”

He meant, season ticket holders. Nice.

Instead of settling the embarrassing lawsuit out of court, Isaiah fought it defiantly in court.

And got his ass handed to him.

Finally, when it was all said and done, Isiaha had one last dirt bag moment when he overdosed on something, passed out at home, then lied to the press about what had gone down, concocted a story, and tried to throw the police under the bus.

And I didn’t even bring up the brief stint as NBA analyst on NBC. Wasn’t very good at that either. But I didn’t want to pile on.

Good luck, FIU! You might want to dial 9-1- and just have your finger over the last “1” on the phone.

It’s Not My Fault, He Keeps Writing Absolutely Stupid Things

Peter King is at again. Here’s a lil’ unintentionally comedic blunder in his “Things I Think I Think” portion of his NFL blog.

f. I'm pretty much on board with everything about The Office, with a couple of exceptions: A season or so ago, Ryan was about to be profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Now he's a shiftless, no-account bum. How'd that happen?

REACT: Yeah, Pete. You are sooooo on TOP of it! A quick google-to-wiki double play would have unwrapped this probing plot mystery.

Ryan Howard, who started out as a temporary worker in the Scranton office, was later promoted to Dunder Mifflin's Vice President for Regional Sales, which would make him Michael's boss, until his treachery is exposed for corporate fraud and he's fired, ending up again as the temporary worker at the Scranton branch.

There. Problem solved.

Douchebag.

Now some of you will insist this kind of thing has no relevance to his football acumen. I say PISH POSH, it’s completely relevant!

If Peter King can’t follow some basic story arc’s of a sitcom with perhaps 12 main characters, then how can he possibly make sense of a professional sports league with 32 teams and 1500 plus players?

No really. Answer that fucking question.

All of you Peter King fans, answer it. The man has no clue. He swerves wildly into one guess after another, and his wrong-ness is off the charts.

Worse case scenario, why not google it first, just to make sure? Or how about have an intern at SI.com loosely fact-check your shit so guys like me don’t tear it to shreds.

And I swear I would stop doing this reports, if only King would stop stepping face first into the rake like one of the Three Stooges.

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In other King news, he swears Plaxico Burress is going to jail for a year, and will NOT play football no matter what in 2009. I say “LOCK IT UP”, Plax gets probation and serves just a 4 game suspension and is on somebody’s roster by Halloween. It makes no sense, but Pete has such a knack for being “The Cooler” on stories like this, you would be insane not to go 180 degrees the other way.

Finally, I love when one weepy liberal (King) gets all outraged over good ol’ fashion liberal (NY Times) on liberal (Boston Globe) crime.

l. You cannot be serious about shuttering the Boston Globe, you New York Times people. That's unjust and ridiculous and will be a black mark against anything you do journalistically in the long-term. How do you walk into the flagship journalistic institution in a six-state region and say, "Unless everyone in the building takes a monstrous pay cut, and a few of you walk away from your jobs forever, we're closing the place?'' What kind of management style is that?


REACT: I think it’s true what my friend once said of liberals: “They think companies only exist to provide health insurance and child care services.” Sorry Pete. But the NY Times IS serious. You didn’t think they would hurt their OWN paper first, did you? Besides, I’ll see your “black mark against journalism” and raise you one “Jayson Blair.”

Might want to google that one too, Pete.

Sunday Dreamers

It’s been a tough month so far for Jim Nantz and CBS.

Desperate for the “Michigan State Saves Depressed Detroit” storyline at the Final Four, they were instead delivered a royal Tar Heel beatdown.

Moving right along, surely a “Tiger Roars Again At Augusta” telecast on Easter Sunday would cure the CBS TV ratings blues.

Didn’t happen.

So, in that sense, I’m not mad at CBS and their announcers for sounding like such sullen kids when it was becoming increasingly apparent that Tiger’s comeback major win just wasn’t going to happen.

But it was rather pathetic.

Like when Nantz – whom again, I MUST repeat, I am a mammoth fan of in all respects – said to Faldo after Tiger lined up his putt to finish at -9. “So, the 9’s are out, Nick?”

Yes, Jim. And the Easter Bunny is actually your parents. I know. It’s a gut punch. Courage.

Faldo had the nerves to say what everybody knew. Tiger had no chance. Just like he didn't have any real chance as things wound down on Saturday.

But there was still some TV drama to be sold.

It was almost like a memo had been hot copied and distributed to every TV tower at The National on Saturday: MEMO: “Keep pretending Tiger has a chance at this. Thanks. Management.”

I desperately wanted somebody to airlift Billy Packer in so he could say: “Tiger’s bid for the Green Jacket… is OVAH!”

Going into Sunday’s final round, it wasn’t just that Tiger was 7 shots back. It was that he had 17 other players he needed to beat. No announcers even dared to bring up the crowd between Tiger and the top, they only focused on the margin of strokes.

To have won on Sunday, Tiger would have needed to beat…

2 U.S. Open Champions
6 U.S. Ryder Cuppers
2 European Ryder Cuppers

…. And Mickelson.

Sure.

The sheer numbers and odds stacked against Tiger were plain to any golf fan who watches tournaments on TV.

They kept saying… “maybe he can find a 65 or a 64 out there Sunday.” Sure. Maybe. Except his form said exactly the opposite. Not to mention his body language.

While Tiger had recorded 12 birdies through three rounds, Anthony Kim had 11 in a single round.

By the way, Tiger has never come from behind to win a major. Not from just one stroke behind, much less 7. Tiger has never come back from more than 5 shots back of the leader in any PGA Tour event. In 16 of the last 17 Masters, the winner has come from the last PAIRING on Sunday.

Tiger wasn’t even on the top PAGE of the leaderboard.

Yes, once upon a time Gary Player closed a 7 shot gap on Sunday to win.

That was before metal woods.

More importantly, the announcers didn’t dare much to explore how crappy Tiger was actually playing.

I have DirecTV, and this year they rolled out a channel called “Masters In Depth.” It was awesome. They ran a highlight package of Tiger’s entire round, shot for shot. Putt for putt.

Tiger’s drives on #1, #2, and #8 were pure crap.

We’re talking, 30 yards off-line, two-way misses.

Which brings me to a larger, lingering issue about Tiger. Dottie Pepper said on the golf channel that Tiger’s new swing is much flatter. She said it’s amazing that he can use his athletic talent to square the clubface so consistently while cranking his swing along that newer, shallower plane.

God bless Dottie. I couldn’t agree more.

Only I still do not know to this day, why Tiger changed his swing in the first place. His stretch of golf in 2000 and into 2001 was the most devastating show of golfing Shock and Awe the game has ever seen.

Was a spat with Butch Harmon worth re-doing it?

The old swing was perfectly upright to my eye, and kept his misses to a manageable window. The new one does nothing for me. And it’s shocking to see Tiger be so wild these days.

When Tiger went off into the swing change wilderness for a year and half under Hank Haney, he initially said very little about what he was doing, and why he was doing it. Only later, once he began to win majors again, did he offer some vague analysis of the changes.

None of it really resonated with me, but who was I to judge? He’s the one with 14 majors.

Now, having said all this, it’s probable that Tiger’s just rusty from his long knee injury layoff. But what if it’s not rust? What if the new swing is out of mojo, and he’s going to have re-construct it again?

While technically both Phil and Tiger tickled the leaders bellies before they got to the easy tenderloin of the course on the back nine, real golf fans could see the flags go limp, and knew that most of the final 9 would be a cakewalk.

I just wish CBS and every other TV announcer would realize that golf fans aren’t stupid. And we know how to add.

Pity poor Kenny Perry, he flat out choked it away. But if he's going to say that everything in his career is just "gravy" right now, then you can't really be devastated by the loss. Either it's something you burn for, or it's just sauce for the noodles.

As for Cabrera, how can you not like "The Duck?" Any dude who stone cold SHANKS a fairway iron, and CHUNKS a chip shot, but STILL wins? My man!

Everybody in the Masters Pool!

I know that lots of you dimple-heads have office pools for the Masters that you are already in for big stupid casheeeesh!

Good on ya!

But here's one more that you should check out.

It's the first annual Czabe.com "Green Jacket Challenge" sponsored by my guys at Rocky Gap Resort in Cumberland, MD.

They are giving away a 2 night stay to the winner, and signing up is super quick, and super easy, and it's FREE!

Granted, many of you cheeseheads might not be scheduled to come down this way, but you never know. And besides, winning anything is always fun!

So jump on in, and get wet!

Here's my squad of Masters picks, with notes.

Tiger Woods (Duh.)
Steve Stricker (The harder the grind, the more he thrives!)
Henrik Stenson (The Underwear Swede)
Miguel A. Jiminez (Smoke 'em, pony tail dude!)
Stuart Appleby (Bout time to win a major, dude.)
Angel Cabrera (Flat out BOMBS it!)
Rocco Mediate (A sentimental play)
Steve Flesh (The Other "Lefty")
Fred Couples (Even with gray hair, the dude's move is pure!)

So have fun with it, and look for more contest like this in the near future!

There Ought to Be An Investigation On FF MOP!

MR. X'S CONSPIRACY THEORY

My favorite gambling degentleman “Mr. X” was proudly sitting on a nicely hedged Final Four winner of a bet: Ty Lawson as Final Four MOP at a tasty 6.5-1.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner?

Um no....

Mr. X picks it up from here...

F'n Wayne Ellington? Please.

Anyone who knows diddly knows Lawson controlled those 2 Final Four games. Stats? Yeah, folks are always swayed by "stats" in "MVP" votes.

But Lawson beat him up everywhere!

Points – Lawson 21-19.
We shold stop right there. Lawson does many things, but scoring isn’t what he needs to do to make his team win. Ellington is a shooter. And still Lawson outscored him.

Rebounds? 4-4 tie, which actually means “edge to the p-guard”.

Assists, 6-0 Lawson.
Steals, 8-0 Lawson.
Only 1 TO for Lawson.

The 1 dimensional Ellington doesn’t win a single stat.

What’s worse – the Villanova game was all Lawson. The tenacious Villanova defensive pressure - Lawson handled it so easily they stopped pressing late 1st half – as it was pointless.

Both games:
Lawson wins points 43-39.
Ellington reb by only 13-11 (again, actually a plus for the PG).
Lawson assists 14-0!
Steals 10-0.

Only 1 reason for it to be Ellington. I had Lawson for a ton at 6.5 to 1!!!!!!!!!!

And, the line on Lawson was the only one that moved. Opened at 6.5, yet crept down to 4.5 as all the action was on Lawson.

Am I f'n nuts, or was this a conspiracy to find someone else to give it to?

REACT: No, Mr. X. You are dead on, on all fronts. If there were a Sports Gambling Commission that could investigate these kind of things, then this one would be fast tracked in my opinion. It makes zero sense, and I wish they would disclose the voting, as matched up by each writer.

SECOND THOUGHT: Okay, this is nuts, but it makes as much sense as anything. Remember when Lawson said he won $250 playing craps (legally) at a downtown casino last week? Hmmm. I bet (pardon the pun) the NCAA didn't take too kindly to that, now DID THEY?? Hmmm. Score settled. As good a theory as any.

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YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THE FRENCH.... TO SUCK!

From Rich Lowry's column....

Obama pleaded for more troops in Afghanistan, arguing correctly that terrorists emanating from that region pose a more direct threat to Europe. French President Nicolas Sarkozy responded with no additional troops, 150 MPs, and an offer to take one Gitmo detainee when the detention facility closes. At that, he pronounced himself much pleased to be working "with a US president who wants to change the world and who understands that the world does not boil down to simply American frontiers and borders."

REACT: Thanks for the 150 Inspector Clouseau's, Nic! 'Preciate it.

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FILE AND SAVE

A friend of mine who used to run a PGA Tour event and knows the current economic paranoia amongst big corporations says get ready for a “pending implosion” of the PGA Tour's prize money gains under the Tiger Woods era once 2010 comes to a close.

My guy says you can kiss goodbye all but a few $1million plus winner's checks.
Which, frankly, isn't going to make anybody in America weep, I admit. But the irony here is that current Commish Tim Finchem is a staunch Democrat, amongst a tour full of Republican independent contractors.

Is it's Finchem's fault the ecomony imploded? Hardly. But does it help that Democrats like Obama and Barney Frank are calling out any company who dares to take clients to a big event, or to sponsor a golf tournament?

Too bad ol' Finchy can't call Capitol Hill and say: “You know, if a company wants to do it, there's nothing wrong with putting their name on a golf tournament. Especially if they didn't suckle from the federal bailout teet.”

Good luck, Tim.

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KILL THE CORPORATIONS!

It is also important to remind corporate bashers that while shit might run downhill in the cubicle world, so does money.

When Obama took a huge chunk out of Las Vegas' convention business by slamming Citi bank and others for junkets to Sin City, who ended up getting hurt worst?

Not Steve Wynn, he's still filthy rich!

It was the hundreds of Service Employees International union workers who got pink slipped because there were no hotels to clean.

Now the same dynamic comes to the Masters....

AUGUSTA, Ga. | Corporate customers at the Masters normally keep chef Karl Kwoka busy all week prepping gourmet dishes like Angus beef filets with bleu cheese fritters and crepes de mer with lobster cream sauce. Catering to elite fans and their top clients during the April golf tournament typically accounts for a quarter of his income.

This year, the unpalatable economy has piled Kwoka's plate with more cancellations than customers. Four large corporations that in past years hired Kwoka to prepare private meals have backed out, leaving him with a single company to cook for, not enough to justify hiring the usual 30 extra workers. Kwoka estimates the cancellations cost him more than $70,000, and the temporary staff is missing out on big money, too.

REACT: Bottom line: let businesses conduct their business. Everybody hates corporations until they fire you, or stop brining their massive chunks of business your way.

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BEST SEINFELD EPISODE EVER?

If there's a better one than when Kramer 'retires' to Del Boca Vista, I haven't seen it.

Saw this gem last night, and it included the following legendary story threads.

Costanza saying “let's get nuts” and driving out to the Hamptons.
Kramer crushing the oldies in table tennis.
Elaine trying to figure out if her boyfriend Jerome is indeed black.

What I didn't realize fully, however, until I stared at it for a while, was that the episode came in a pristine 16x9 true HD flavor!

It wasn't cropped. It wasn't stretched. It wasn't manipulated at all!

It was GLORIOUS! Almost like the studio filmed the show in a widescreen format, cropped it in 4x3 in order to show it on analog TV, but preserved the original films. Now they have (seemingly) been upconverted to HD!

Why wasn't I told about this!? Where can I buy the entire set on Blu-Ray? (Hold that thought. They'll probably charge $492 for each season, those Blu-Ray Nazi's!)

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HIS REALLY PUT THE “LAST” INTO LASTINGS

Mark Zuckerman's “National's Insider” piece in the Washington Times had this heart warming nugget.

Sunday was Milledge's 24th birthday. The last thing he probably wanted to do to celebrate was go to Dolphin Stadium for a pre-Opening Day workout and team meeting. But that's what every Nationals player and coach was required to do. No exceptions.

Milledge, who has a history of showing up just before the mandatory reporting time and isn't ashamed of it, didn't quite make it on time Sunday. Manager Manny Acta had instructed everyone to be in uniform and in the clubhouse by 4:30 p.m. for his annual season-opening team meeting.

Milledge called to say he was running late, but he still walked in after Acta already had begun addressing his players. The manager had no choice but to fine him.

You can debate whether this is a big deal. In some regard, it's really not. But for a young player who has been afforded plenty of opportunities in his brief baseball career, this was perhaps the latest sign Milledge still needs to grow up.

Upon being named the new leadoff hitter last month, Milledge spoke about how he wasn't going to change his hitting approach just because he was penciled into a new spot in the lineup. He was going to remain aggressive.

Is that the kind of mature approach to hitting the Nationals were looking for? Isn't it the leadoff man's primary job to work the count, give his teammates a chance to see what the opposing starter has got and hopefully reach base in the process?

After countless hours spent working on his defensive skills this spring with coaches Marquis Grissom and Devon White, shouldn't Milledge have been expected to position himself better and get a better jump on Emilio Bonifacio's fourth-inning drive to deep center field? What could have been a harmless flyout - or at worst a double - instead turned into a highlight that was sure to be replayed on ESPN all night: an inside-the-park home run.

REACT: Good times, good times. Only 161 more games to go. Hang in there, Nats Town!

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The new head of Citi Group has had the courage to say what many others won't: “Everybody's got their hand in the mortgage mess.”

HONOLULU (AP) - Citigroup Inc. (C) (C)'s new board chairman, Richard Parsons, said financial institutions are being targeted for creating the nation's financial crisis, but they aren't the only ones responsible.

"Everybody participated in pumping up this balloon. Now the balloon has deflated," he said Monday. "Everybody, in reality, has some part of the blame. But it's much more in the culture to find a villain and vilify the villain."

Besides banks, there was reduced regulatory oversight, loans to unqualified borrowers were encouraged and people took out mortgages or home-equity loans they couldn't afford.

"We had a big party in this country," said Parsons.

REACT: He's right. Many people with no income, no jobs, and no business getting massive mortgages lined up and lie their assess off to get the money. Many others tried to become Donald Trump Jr. and buy up every condo on Florida's southeast coast.

To them, they deserve financial ruin, not a bailout.

But I must disagree with Parsons in one major regard. We were just the ants at this picnic. The big investment banks, Fannie and Freddie, and others put out all the free food. And they did it with perhaps 80% certainty that they were all “too big to fail.”

From my amatuer financial analyst couch, the most fucking CRIMINAL thing that was done, was the bond rating agencies slapping AAA labels on these bundled loans, knowing that they were loaded with complete shit.

It would have been one thing for big ass banks to go belly up with a bunch of $729,000 jumbo mortgages to no-doc Swedish nannies in Long Island. But the bond rating agencies took this financial Agent Orange, loaded it up on a sprayer plane, and proceeded to crop dust everybody's 401k and other investments with it.

Exit Interview

Maybe Jason Campbell should rent the movie: “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Talk about some clear signals! First, the Redskins fail to give him a contract extension going into his last year of his rookie contract. Then the owner nearly trades you for Jay Cutler.

Dude. Enjoy your last year as a Redskin.

Maybe more troubling for us Skins fans was THIS whopper of a paragraph in the Washington Post story on Saturday.

“Encouraged after his meeting yesterday with Washington Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder, quarterback Jason Campbell said he has put aside his frustration about the team’s pursuit of Jay Cutler and is determined to become “the type of quarterback Mr. Snyder wants.”

Um, what the fuck!?

“The type of quarterback Mr. Snyder wants?”

Is the owner now the fucking QB coach as well? You must be kidding me. What kind of QB is that, exactly? Should Campbell put on a Peyton Manning mask and yuk it up in a southern drawl?

Well, surely our head coach, who happened to PLAY the position a little himself back in the day, would have something to say about this whole ugly situation, right?

Um, not exactly.

Zorn wasn’t quoted in this story. Neither was the useful stooge Vinny Cerrato. Vinny did issue a statement. “We met with Jason today and had a candid discussion. We told Jason that when Jay Cutler became available, we, like many other NFL teams, spoke with the Broncos. We are all on the same page and we are moving forward.”

Yeah, these clowns are on the same page alright. Page two. “NFL Franchise Management for Dummies.”

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Then there was this gem. Apparently, Dan Snyder still likes to get his off-season freak on! He was spotted by Norm! in the LV Review Journal at the trendy night club N9NE with his favorite Redskin! I’ll give you three guesses and here’s a hint: It wasn’t Shaun Suisham!

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Let’s hope the Masters has sufficiently dialed back the golf course to allow for weekend roars and daring attacks on the back nine come Sunday.

Jay Flemma of CyberGolf goes inside the numbers, and breaks down how and where Tom Fazio and the grumpy old men in green jackets ruined the place since 2002.

There hasn’t been a back-nine 31 or better in over 3 years by anybody in the field. That’s where the course used to shine. It was attackable. No longer. We’ll see this year. At least the weather looks succulent this year, unlike the artic Augusta weeks of the last two.

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From the Sydney Morning Herald…

HUMBLE, Texas: Greg Norman could hardly have conjured a more disastrous finish to take into this week's US Masters. The former world No.1 was humbled in Humble when he rounded out an otherwise promising tune up at the Houston Open with double bogey and quadruple bogey on his last two holes - finding the water twice on the 18th. Bogeys at the 11th, 12th and 14th were followed by a birdie at 15 before a double bogey at 17. And Norman capped it with an eight on the par-four 18th when he hit into the water twice, once on his lay-up shot and then again on his approach.

REACT: Great to know that this choking guppy, remains, a choker. Let’s pray he’s somehow in the final groups on Sunday at Augusta, because you KNOW how it’s gonna finish.

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Kudos to Brittany Lincicome who eagled 18 with a laced driver-hybrid on Sunday to win by 1 at the Nabisco.

This lovely lass caught my eye about 5 years ago when she briefly led the US Women’s Open. Her smile is just pure sunshine in a bottle.

That, and she’s proven to have 100 compression ovaries. You go, girl! I’d shine her irons with my tongue, if you know what I mean.

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How was Michelle Wie’s weekend? So bad, that TV networks - usually eager to show her no matter how many strokes behind the leaders - couldn’t even justify a token look-in. She shot 81-81 on Friday and Saturday to move safely out of sight, and out of mind.

REMEMBER: She plays with the men, because just playing against women would be “boring.” Her words. 60 Minutes interview, 5 years ago.

Wake Me When It's Over

It’s possible, that I was just extra cranky Saturday night.

Having been shunned by at least a half dozen “friends” to come over to the 5-Hour Dome and watch the Final Four, I was sitting all by my lonesome, making notes on the game.

I also had no great rooting interest in any team, or either game. My money long flushed in Vegas, my pool sheet down in flames even earlier than that.

Plus, I can be a moody bitch, you know.

I thought the Final Four sucked.

In fact, I turned it off.

Yep. It was about 13 minutes left in the Carolina v. Villanova game and I had seen one no-call too many. (PS: Was there any doubt Carolina had that game in a headlock?)

The heels 6-10 freshman Ed Davis caught the ball roughly 3 feet from the basket. Rising for an easy lay-in, not one but two (I swear!) Villanova players SHOVED him in the lower back. The easy lay-in caromed wildly off the glass and rim.

The refs apparently saw nothing.

Okay, good night now, I said to myself.

Had this been a rare horrible call, I probably would have stayed up for the inevitable Heels stompin’. But it wasn’t. The whole night was filled with a bunch of non-calls that simply perplexed me.

Thabeet gets juked into orbit, and lands ON TOP of a Spartan player. No call.

Price drives the lane and gets his head snapped back visibly in mid-air. No call.

And on and on it went.

The whole night seemed too NBA-ish for me. I’m not a “let ‘em play” guy, because in today’s game, that means “let ‘em foul.”

How on fucking earth could all three refs miss that play? How come Nantz and Kellogg didn’t mention it? (I think I know the answer, but more on that later).

Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, and a corpse of your choosing could have made that call.

Michigan State plays lights out defense. Give Izzo and Company full credit on that front. They hedged on every ball screen on top of the key against Uconn, and the Huskies never did figure it out. Michigan State pounded the boards. They came to ball. Good on them.

But if 70% of their defensive effort is pure desire and execution, then the remaining 30 percent is Van Gundy Style foulination. The logic is simple: “They can’t call them all.”

Knowing the home crowd would wail at every marginal call, knowing that if the foul count got out of whack (which it did) the refs would start to issue some “make up” citations, and knowing that this is the FINAL FOUR, so you surely wouldn’t want to FOUL SOMEBODY OUT, knowing all this just gave Izzo more of a green light to turn it into a brawl.

And Uconn responded in kind. For the most part. Adrian and Robinson were flat out beastly. In fact, Stanley Robinson played with a ferocity that was simply awesome to watch. He made about 6 plays (I counted) that were better than any play everything on the first 3 editions of “One Shining Moment” from back in the 1980’s.

At the end of the night, let’s see….

One guy fouled out. One. Draymond Green for Michigan State. He had 5 fouls in 12 minutes. Ibok had 3 in 6 minutes and didn’t even make much pretense of his intentions.

It was just so ragged. Not unlike the call by Nantz. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a Nantz FANATIC. He just seemed, so… so… out of sorts. Maybe he’s still getting used to the post-Billy era. But I have a different theory.

He couldn’t see what was happening. Because like everybody else courtside, he was EYEBALL TO DUSTMITES with the FUBAR floor being 4 feet in the air thanks to the Dome set up.

Why can’t they put a floor, like, on the floor?

Even though they let the head coaches roam the perch above the “dugouts” during the game, they were all alone. Substitutions required an awkward “excuse me, pardon, excuse….” shuffle up the mini-stairs, like going to get Milk Duds at a movie.

It just sucks. All basketball games in football stadiums suck. And I resented - RESENTED - Nantz and Kellogg trying to shuck and jive me about how “great” the environment was. Please. Get the NCAA’s dick out of your mouth.

The crowd was amped at times, but more often, the distance from the game left many stretches of play seem hollow and utterly dead. The camera angles get all fucked up in football domes. They have to shoot from father away. There aren’t as many good close ups.

Sorry, am I being a bitch here, or am I finally telling it like is?

I suppose the weight of the NCAA’s greed and hypocrisy has finally broken my back on this event. They shouldn’t be playing these games in anything but basketball arenas. And when coaches leave for another team, either they should have to sit out a year, or the players they left behind should become instant free agents.

And knock it off with the whole “student athletes” crap.

Finally, can we call a foul, a foul? Can we get back to basketball? If you let them play, you are going to get a crappy looking game. If you call fouls early, then the players will adjust.

They might not even try to low-bridge a lay-up with a two-fisted shove.

So will I be back for tonite’s finale? I would, because I still love the college game in general, and these are two very, very, very good teams.

But the tip time in the east is 9:22 p.m.

Ridiculous.

Good night. I’m going to bed, and the highlights will be waiting for me in the morning.

With Friends Like These.....

I'm sorry to keep going to the well on great Sports Illustrated stories from the past, but seeing how Gary Sheffield is in the news now, I couldn't resist.

If you never saw this story from years ago, it's still a must read. It's by Tom Verducci and it describes how much of a jackass Barry Bonds can be when he really puts his mind to it!

As I read the story, I started to feel kinda bad for Sheffield. Then I realized he's as big of an asshat as Bonds!

Here's a money passage for you people too busy to digest the whole thing.

Soon after Sheffield arrived in San Francisco, the friendship between him and Bonds began to sour. Bonds insisted that Sheffield stay at his house and not rent a car. He insisted that Sheffield not pay for anything, though Sheffield did bring his personal chef. "[It was], 'It's my way or no way,' " Sheffield says. "I'm not a child. I make $11 million. I can buy what I want."

To thank Bonds for inviting him into his home, Sheffield arranged for the two of them to see a boxing match in Miami on Feb. 2, 2002. "I was going to pay for the plane, the flight, pay for the limo service, the hotel," Sheffield says. "He gets my mail. He looks in my mail and sees he can get better seats, so he gets better seats. He can get a better flight, so he gets a better flight. He can get a better limo service. And he can get a better hotel. So basically my plan, in trying to do something in return, he wound up doing it. And [that sort of behavior] just escalated."

Another time, Sheffield arranged for a limo and tickets for him and Bonds to see the Sacramento Kings host the Los Angeles Lakers. "He complained the whole drive," Sheffield says. "'Man, I could have drove. We would have gotten there a lot faster.' The whole time. And I'm saying to myself, Never again. Never again."

Sheffield says the breaking point occurred one morning when Bonds departed for their morning workout without him, leaving Sheffield to scramble for transportation to the gym.

When Sheffield eventually showed up, he found Bonds laughing at him with someone he later learned was a writer for Men's Journal. "He sold me out to the media," Sheffield says.

Though Sheffield says he was under doctor's orders not to run because of his knee, he did so anyway because Bonds and his trainers wanted him to. "Now all of a sudden my knee was hurting," Sheffield says. "He said something to me [about being late]. I did not respond, because if I did respond at that particular moment, I would have knocked him out. That's how I was feeling. [But] I said [to myself], No, I'm just going to walk away, and when I say walk away I mean walk away."

Sheffield flew home to Florida with his chef. The chef told him, "Gary, I want to confess something. [Bonds] made an offer to hire me: He'll get me a car, give me a place to stay and pay off my student loan."

Shortly after they returned, Sheffield says he and his chef parted ways. Sheffield says about a month later Bonds called him to inquire about why the chef was no longer working for Sheffield but made no mention of a related development: Bonds had hired him.

"That's the kind of person I found out I was dealing with," Sheffield says. "To me, I don't want friends like that. I never will have friends like that."

REACT: It's just priceless stuff. If either man makes the baseball HOF, then I pray to God that the other guy crashes the podium and starts trashing the inductee.