Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Jason Collins Sure Took His Sweet Time Sorting Things Out

Like eight years, apparently. And his girlfriend here didn't sense a thing.

Look, I know that quite often a gay man will give being straight a hearty "college try". And I get that he was dealing with a lot of mixed emotions.

But... damn. Eight years with Stanford women's basketball player Carolyn Moos before he decided he just couldn't keep up the lie?

To me, it looks like he was using her as a convenient beard, as much as he was trying to "sort things out." But hey, he's the Jackie Robinson of the cause, so I better not say anything less than glowing about him.

Writes Rick Reilly....
If anything, feel glad for Jason Collins that it's all over. All the hiding, all the lies, all the secrets. He had to hurt some people to keep them, starting with the woman he promised to marry. 
"I'd mapped out my life completely," recalls Moos, 34. "I knew I wanted to be married, wanted to have children, live in this city, send my kids to this school. … I invested eight years in something. … To be able to recover from that is not an easy process. … But I'm glad Jason can be his own person now. I'm glad he can walk in his own shoes." 
Collins is now the Jackie Robinson of gay athletes and, like Robinson, strong enough for the job. He's universally loved in the NBA. He's smart, funny and a wheelbarrow full of sunshine in the locker room. He only cares about defense, not scoring points, which is why he'll probably sign for one last season -- his 13th -- somewhere in the league this fall.
So here's a somewhat sticky question. Let's say an NBA team is very willing to sign this 2 point per game dynamo for next year. But let's say that the team is brutally honest about the fact they are signing him 80% because they "believe in the cause" and feel it would be a shame if he couldn't follow through and actually PLAY next year while being "active" and "out" in the NBA.

Would that be seen as a cheap publicity stunt and diminish Collins' "bravery?" What if that was still a team's true motive, but they just didn't express it so openly? Okay? Wrong?

I have no idea. I'll leave it to the Gay Jackie Robinson crowd to figure it all out.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Superman Does Jumping Jacks. Okay, Now Stop Doing That. Thank You.

See, this is what a "superhuman" does. Jumping jacks at a Redskins rah-rah draft day "pep rally" just a few months after his multiple ligament reconstructive surgery. He says he'll be ready by Week 1. And I believe him. However, I hope he keeps stuff like this to a minimum for at least a while.

Because I remember Arizona kicker Bill Grammatica blowing out his knee just celebrating a made field goal.


Who "Won" The Weekend?

survey tools

Friday, April 26, 2013

Geno Smith Has Left the Building

After a stinging night of being passed over by everyone in the 1st round, the pundit-declared "best QB in the draft" Geno Smith politely declined an on-camera interview with Suzy Kolber while saying to her that this would only fuel him to play with an even "bigger chip on his shoulder" once a team finally drafts him.

He also took his nice suit and sunglasses, and went home.

Good for him. I sort of feel sorry that he got led astray by either the NFL, ESPN or both that he'd be taken in the first round. He wanted to have his special night. I get that. But perhaps more draft picks would be wise to refuse to be the NFL's human props on this absurdly overcooked TV show and go fishing instead, like Joe Thomas.

At least somebody should show up wearing just shorts and a t-shirt, with flip flops. Say "what's up bro" and casually high five the commissioner instead of hug him.

Because when you have the league proudly posting pictures like this below, you know that they have no idea that their "fanciness" has morphed into pure self-parody.

Yeah. Baseball hats in glass boxes, carried in by an army of suit-clad league clowns.

That was real. That just happened.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Czabe's 10 Simple Rules For Not Completely Screwing Up The NFL Draft

Springtime at Yohoonye Field. Pads installed on goalposts. Need to replace wind streamers which fell off.

Czabe's 10 Simple NFL Draft Rules

1. Calm Down. There's Another One of these Next Year
2. Forget Your "Needs". You Need Everything. Everybody does.
3. Never move up to get a specific player beyond 1st round. You aren't that smart.
4. Every great player in the NFL, was once a draft pick. Get more picks.
5. Never draft a punter.
6. WR's are toys. Caution.
7. Nobody every said: "Damn.. wish we didn't take that extra offensive lineman."
8. If you draft a QB in the first round, the days of bringing him along slowly are over.
9. It's okay to draft criminals/idiots, as long as they play defense.
10. SEC wins all tiebreakers

And lastly, remember this: if the pundits said you had a bad draft.. you probably had a GREAT draft. The pundits are idiots. If you got a good "grade" from them, chances are you'll be back at the top of this picking order again next spring.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I Hate To Break It To Black Sports Writers, But Black QB's Are the Most Coddled Players In Sports

Contrary to their strained columns of manufactured racism and outrage, there's no better life than being a black quarterback.

In essence, you can do no wrong.

If you end up being good, you can add a righteous veneer of "take THAT, you racists!" to your game. If you suck, you can always fall back on how the racist NFL didn't "give you a chance."

The latest handwringing comes over one Geno Smith, who nobody in their right mind was calling a first rounder back in October. Now.. NOW... if he slips into the second round, it's an outrage and racism?

Jarrett Bell of USA Today called it a "black tax" that QB's have been paying since the days of Warren Moon.

Nice try, but uh... no.

In fact since Moon, black QB's have been benefiting from their generally perceived "athleticism" for years, artificially boosting their draft position, not hurting it. The thinking, crude as it may be, was that at least a black QB can run around a bit if his passing isn't all that good.

Surely Akili Smith, Jamarcus Russell, Andre Ware didn't have to pay a "black tax." Cam Newton and RG3 had a few select negative scouting reports come out, but they not only were drafted 1/1 and 1/2 overall, they are currently endorsing the living shit out of everything that moves.

Hell, the only guy who paid a "black tax" as Bell suggests, is a half black guy named Russell Wilson, who was not adorned with any of the so-called code words of a black QB. He was smart, focused, driven, all of that. But he was too small.

So he fell to the 3rd round.

Poor guy. If only somebody had called him lazy and stupid, he's have been a high first rounder!

Never mind that ol' Nolan Nawrocki's scouting report on Cam Newton came roaring back to truth with a vengeance in Year 2. And so what if current ESPN analysts like Trent Dilfer said Geno Smith has been knocking it out of the park in pre-draft workouts and interviews?

Nawrocki or other scouts write up reports on intel and film study from things that occurred while a player was IN college, not when he was running around trying to impress Jon Gruden for his TV show.

I mean, if some scout had just done some legwork on Ryan Leaf while in college, realized he was a festering douchebag, and been courageous enough to write what he thought was a giant red flag, well then it might have saved the Chargers a whole lot of grief.

Oh, wait.... somebody DID do that! Too bad Ryan Leaf was/is/will always be... WHITE!

However, there appears to be some minor nagging questions in the area of maturity and his mental approach to the game. He is perceived as not always an easy guy to work with, and he tends to beat to his own drummer...As good as he is, he can have some streaks on the field where he looks like he has forgotten everything he has been taught...There seems to be a nagging question here that something might be missing, but it may be hard to verbalize it...

Oh, Leaf ended up "verbalizing" that "nagging something" alright once he turned pro.

Why yes he did.
So yeah, back to Warren Moon. I'll grant you that he was likely the victim of stereotype discrimination, at least early on. Yes, he had to go to Canada to prove himself. But he STILL ended up playing 17 years in the NFL, making millions and millions of dollars, and ending up in the Hall of Fame.

Joe Theismann had to go to Canada too. So did Doug Flutie for a while.

Cry me a river. Racism. Whatever.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

If You Join Us In Pinehurst, I Guarantee Your Caddy Will Look Like This!

Jason Day's wife at the Masters. You won't get her in Pinehurst. Sorry.

Okay, I guarantee you'll have a good time. How 'bout that?

Once again, the legend of the Malcolm McLeod Memorial Tournament is upon us, and I am slowly starting to run out of willing adults who can join us for 3 days of awesome golf and male bonding shenanigans.

We have 14 guys for a 16 person trip.

And we are stalled.

Therefore, YOU and a buddy have a chance!

If you think you can join us, and want to be a part of the fun, then email me ASAP. This will be a *roughly* speaking, "first come, first served" type of deal.

We just need two guys....

Preferably buddies, since you'll be sharing a room and partnered for 2 of the 5 rounds.
Able to break 100 comfortably (it's okay to be really good, too)
Able to get me a $100 deposit right away.
Not completely fuck everything up by NOT posting at the last minute.

If you can fit that bill, you will fit in like a champ with the guys, and have a blast.

Cost is $768 and includes 3 nights lodging at The National GC. Your $100 deposit goes to food/bev and a gambling pot. You don't need a hard and fast certified handicap, but if you don't have one be careful not to be a sandbaggin' cheater. The $768 is payable when you get to The National, and you can use a credit card.

Friday May 17th - 36 Holes at Dormie Club
Saturday May 18th - 36 Holes at The National
Sunday May 19th - 18 Holes at The National

You'll have to get there on your own. Some guys are actually flying in from Houston, Indianapolis and DC. I am driving down there.

So any help to fill out my group, would be awesome. It saddens me greatly that this once easily-filled 24 person fiasco is now struggling to get 16. As they say in war: "We've lost a lot of good men on that hill...."

Don't leave Captain Czabe "shit out of luck" on filling up his golf trip! (Actual old outhouse at The Dormie Club).

Uh... "whoops."

So yeah, Nike had this shirt printed WELL before the actual Boston bombings.

They are now frantically pulling these shirts from the shelves.

So let's get this sorted out. A t-shirt using a bloody "massacre" as a mere "metaphor" for a baseball sweep some 35 years ago is cool.... UNLESS somebody does an ACTUAL massacre in the same city.

Got it.

But wait....if it was okay before, it should be okay after, because... hello.... it's a METAPHOR.


Get 'em now kids. They are collectors items, and horribly insensitive at cocktail parties.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Snicky du Jour: Reese Witherspoon

Bad girl... bad girl... whatchaGONNADO!?

I love how the spunky handle-chinned actress tried to stick up for her drunken man by saying "I am an American Citizen and I can stand on American soil!"

Uh, yeah....sweetie. This isn't that crappy movie "Rendition" you were in. When the policeman says stay in the car, stay in the car. Period.

That said... you are still one of my all time faves in terms of "that look." So here's a nice sampler of the best of Reese!

Poll: WNBA Smokeshows!

survey hosting

Sunday, April 21, 2013

At Least He Can Still Afford Some Chains and a Phillies Jacket!

I'm not sure what I am supposed to make of this lengthy and excellent piece by Kent Babb in the Washington Post about "The Answer's" now pathetic plight: broke, divorced, constantly drunk, and utterly out of basketball at just age 37.

Sadness? Amusement? Anger?

What? What am I supposed to say, or feel? Another superstar modern athlete, having recklessly thrown away his career, life, and a staggering mountain of money.
During Iverson’s prime, teammates accepted Iverson’s unique style, be it hangovers during some practices or his trademark single-arm sleeve. His response to a question in 2002 about missing workouts became iconic: “We’re talking about practice." 
As long as his game was sharp – he was named MVP in 2001 and won four NBA scoring titles – they ignored all else. 
Basketball was Iverson’s sanctuary, and he signed huge contracts: a six-year deal in 1999 worth $70.9 million and, four years later, a new agreement worth $76.7 million. Reebok signed him to a huge endorsement deal, including a deferred trust worth more than $30 million, a lump sum he can’t touch until he turns 55. 
His play kept his shortcomings in the shadows, but at home, his behavior caused increasing worry. Tawanna testified that her husband was undependable and volatile. Alcohol intensified his flaws, she said, leading him to skip milestone events and stagger through others. 
He hadn’t been present for Tiaura’s birth in 1994, and three years later, when Allen Jr. was born – they would call him Deuce – Iverson was “very intoxicated” and unable to drive her to the hospital, Tawanna told the court.
I know a feature writer like Babb is not someone who will moralize, or judge when writing. It's not his role. Still, I find some of the ways Iverson was described in this piece as oddly tortured, to the point where you have to take a flatly negative quality and wish it into a virtue.

When Iverson used to pay entire bar bills for friends, he was "generous" not "stupid."

When he slagged off practice or showed up late, he was described as someone who "didn't let the man keep him down" instead of just being an "irresponsible dick."

When Iverson's current "business manager" and longtime friend insists in this article that the Sixers should HIRE Iverson to be a "consultant" so he can travel and tell his sad story to others... you have to re-read it and ask: "Wait? What? Is that supposed to be a joke?"

So many along the way in Iverson's basketball life claimed to care - really CARE - so much about him. From John Thompson who saved his life after imprisonment from that bowling alley brawl, to Pat Croce and Larry Brown, plus lots of fellow teammates along the way.

But I guess nobody cared enough to stand up to him and say "no." No coming to practice hungover. No more being late. No more jewelry. No more late nights with hangers on.

I mean, maybe they tried to say "no" - because they cared about him and could see this coming - but there really wasn't any consequences.

The only time anybody really ever said "no" to Iverson was the league, when it instituted the pre-game anti-hip-hop dress code - which was then denounced by the PC crowd as "racist."

So maybe we should just scrap all of these "rookie orientation" programs pro leagues have today. I mean, has there been any analysis of whether or not they actually work? Do we really need broke former players like Iverson to go around on speaking tours to say "don't do what I did?"

Let's just be honest and say to athletes: "Here's your big pile of money. If you are stupid, it'll all be gone, shortly after your last contract. And nobody is going to care. Good luck."


"Did Tawanna Tell You That?"

Classic. Never gets old.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Why News Is Like Sugar For Your Brain

This is a rather interesting story about how bad chronic consumption of modern television driven, internet delivered electronic news can be for your mind and even health.

It's as bad as sugar is for your body.

And I'll admit: I have a hard time not reaching for this limitless supply of "brain sugar." News. Opinion articles. Politics. World affairs. And of course, sports news. News, news, news.

I often chide my own father, and father-in-law for watching cable and network news shows way too much.

My dad DVR's all 3 network newscasts each night, then proceeds to watch each one in succession, alternately yelling at the screen about their horrible and obvious liberal bias (no debate there) and fending off my mother's yelling at him about how they all "have the same damn stories!" (she's right too!).

My father-in-law when he visits, parks himself in front of Fox News and CNN for hours and hours at a time. I sometimes have to gently chide him to turn it off, because all cable news does is "anger up the blood" as the great Satchel Paige once said about fried meats.

Here's a few of the reasons why this author says we'd all be better off severely cutting back on our "news" consumption..

In the past few decades, the fortunate among us have recognised the hazards of living with an overabundance of food (obesity, diabetes) and have started to change our diets. But most of us do not yet understand that news is to the mind what sugar is to the body. News is easy to digest. The media feeds us small bites of trivial matter, tidbits that don't really concern our lives and don't require thinking. That's why we experience almost no saturation. Unlike reading books and long magazine articles (which require thinking), we can swallow limitless quantities of news flashes, which are bright-coloured candies for the mind. Today, we have reached the same point in relation to information that we faced 20 years ago in regard to food. We are beginning to recognise how toxic news can be.

News is irrelevant. Out of the approximately 10,000 news stories you have read in the last 12 months, name one that – because you consumed it – allowed you to make a better decision about a serious matter affecting your life, your career or your business. The point is: the consumption of news is irrelevant to you. But people find it very difficult to recognise what's relevant. It's much easier to recognise what's new. The relevant versus the new is the fundamental battle of the current age. Media organisations want you to believe that news offers you some sort of a competitive advantage. Many fall for that. We get anxious when we're cut off from the flow of news. In reality, news consumption is a competitive disadvantage. The less news you consume, the bigger the advantage you have.

News works like a drug. As stories develop, we want to know how they continue. With hundreds of arbitrary storylines in our heads, this craving is increasingly compelling and hard to ignore. Scientists used to think that the dense connections formed among the 100 billion neurons inside our skulls were largely fixed by the time we reached adulthood. Today we know that this is not the case. Nerve cells routinely break old connections and form new ones. The more news we consume, the more we exercise the neural circuits devoted to skimming and multitasking while ignoring those used for reading deeply and thinking with profound focus. Most news consumers – even if they used to be avid book readers – have lost the ability to absorb lengthy articles or books. After four, five pages they get tired, their concentration vanishes, they become restless. It's not because they got older or their schedules became more onerous. It's because the physical structure of their brains has changed.

News wastes time. If you read the newspaper for 15 minutes each morning, then check the news for 15 minutes during lunch and 15 minutes before you go to bed, then add five minutes here and there when you're at work, then count distraction and refocusing time, you will lose at least half a day every week. Information is no longer a scarce commodity. But attention is. You are not that irresponsible with your money, reputation or health. Why give away your mind?

News makes us passive. News stories are overwhelmingly about things you cannot influence. The daily repetition of news about things we can't act upon makes us passive. It grinds us down until we adopt a worldview that is pessimistic, desensitised, sarcastic and fatalistic. The scientific term is "learned helplessness". It's a bit of a stretch, but I would not be surprised if news consumption, at least partially contributes to the widespread disease of depression.

The recent Boston Marathon bombing has been a godsend for the cable networks, even though they would sanctimoniously deny it if pressed. It has given them hours and hours of sensational footage already, and with the capture of that one dummy alive, will provide weeks and months of additional "programming" 

And there's nothing "wrong" per se about keeping up with what happens to him now, and what we might learn as to his terrorist connections.

But will it affect your life in any meaningful way? Will it deepen your knowledge of something in life that will be useful or give you happiness going forward?

No. Not a chance.

I am going to try to resist getting suckered in as best I can, because I know it's easy to do and I'm  far from perfect. Even replacing the news with silly, staged shows like Duck Dynasty is a far better choice. At least Phil saying "happy-happy-happy" makes me smile and relaxes me.

Something Wolf Blitzer has never done.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Beware of "Vertical Video Syndrome"

So sad. So, so, sad. An awesome piece of footage, 15 MILLION views and counting... and the Texas dummy just HAD to hold his phone vertically.


Plus.. if you are going to gravely endanger your child's life, please commit to getting the shot. I want landscape orientation, good "rule of thirds" framing, and preferably a tripod.

And yeah, expect that shit to blow up. Don't be a pussy and drop the phone when it does.

Here's a helpful PSA video to explain why guys like this are just ruining YouTube for everyone.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

"Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-basketball... gimme-gimme-gimme-the-ball... cause-I'm-gonna-DUNK-IT!!

I went looking on all the major sports websites for a simple NBA playoff "bracket".. and damn if it didn't look like a conspiracy to make sure any "bracket" style presentation of the upcoming LeBron coronation NBA playoffs were either non-existent, or completely buried on some deep inner page.

Solly and Scotty chided me saying I should just Google-searched "NBA Playoff Bracket" and I would have had it in 1.3976 seconds or less.

I said, why should I have to Google search it? Shouldn't a bracket be like bread and milk at the grocery store? Right where you know they always are? You don't have to ask the grocery store "where's the milk" and then have them say... "oh, sure, we keep it hidden here behind the counter in a separate fridge."


So thankfully, this Print Your Brackets website whipped one up.

I've got Milwaukee-Atlanta in the east, and Memphis-Golden State in the west.

Then I've got David Stern shoving his head into a wood chipper.

Let the fun begin!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Catching Up With "Kai From Dogtown"

This dude is awesome. Somebody, quick. Give him a talk show. NOW.

From the website Vice.com....

VICE: What’s up with this other fight you got into, after the hatchet incident?
Kai: I was washing my teeth, and this dude's like, "What the fuck are you doing brushing your teeth in here?" I was like, "Uh.... When was the last time you got laid?" He was like, "Wednesday, how about you?" And I was like, "II can't call it." And then we got in a bit of a tizzle. He's a 210-pound douche-monkey looking at me thinking he can bully me around because I'm skinny. I weigh 160, 165 soaking wet. And, um, his face was split up to the point where I think he needed surgery. I guess brushing my teeth in a bar washroom just kind of attracts bullies, but whatever.

Tell me about that day you stopped the man with your hatchet. Did you have any sense about how your life was about to change?
I could sense that that dude was fucked up. And I didn't really know how to deal with that situation because I've never met anybody that fucked up before. Sometimes you get in rides, and you sense that the person's lonely or maybe they haven't been around people in a while, but he really changed how I go about things because it could have ended really differently when the cops got there. They could have shot me on sight. If it had been in Arizona or Texas, maybe they would have shot me.

He was on a trip of dominance and control. I think he had a poisoned psyche. I've heard some of the research that people have been doing about his life and apparently he was a high school basketball coach for girls. That is fucked up. That truly sickens me. When I hear stuff about him getting jumped by six guys in a Fresno County jail and getting his jaw broken, I'm not going to lie to you, I celebrate that. People like that need to be fucking stopped.

So he's in jail now? And you testified at his trial right? How was that?
He's in jail. There was this defense lawyer at the trial. She was trying to smear me. And I just threw roses, and she got hit by those thorns. She was like, "Is there PCP in this joint?" And I was like, "Is this Reefer Madness?" The judge had to call a recess. He said so the DA could inform me of the court process, but I secretly think it was because he needed to go to the backroom and laugh at how hardcore the defense lawyer was getting torn down. And at the end of me being on stand, he actually did laugh out loud right at the defense lawyer's face. She was trying to trick me up, and I said, "Excuse me, miss, please don't mistake my hesitation for weakness, I realize you're trying to trick me and I just need to consider what I am saying as not to allow you to trick me." And she said, "No further questions." The judge laughed in her face. So I'm just waiting for that transcript from the court reporter.

Shit. He want's the transcript of that court exchange? I want the fucking DVD!

The Least Exciting Sports Video You'll See All Year

So this is where we are now in sports, society, and life.

The NFL.. the most popular powerful league in American sports...
... whose teams already know exactly WHO they are playing next year...
... and know which games are at home and which are on the road

... somehow still felt obligated to release a new social-media "video tweet" from their official spokesman that looked like...


....just so you know... they are "working on" finishing the exact schedule.

Now I understand that a league releasing it's schedule is like Christmas for some of you. Especially the NFL, where you plan to travel to certain cities to see your favorite team in person months in advance.

That said.... it's absurd.

But then again, this league continues to impress with decisions that re-write the notion of "absurd."

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Magic at the Masters, Yet Again

The perfect tournament, with another perfect ending. Great stuff gents, great stuff.

The movie "The Greatest Game Ever Played" is a very under-rated golf movie in my opinion. At the end, the great Harry Vardon shows the sportsmanship embodied by the game in a brief exchange with upset winner, local amatuer and caddy Francis Ouimet.

Harry: Well played Mr. Ouimet, that was a great game, I enjoyed it.
Francis Ouimet: So did I.
Harry Vardon: Yes, you did.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Drop Heard Round the World

The most powerful force in the universe is a black hole.

Light rays disappear into a black hole, and those just skirting it's edges get bent and distorted. They also produce duplicate images on both sides of the black hole, almost like a funhouse mirror.

Tiger Woods is the black hole of his sport.

Everything gets bent in his orbit.

Announcers and their sense of professionalism. Sponsors and their sense of dignity. Commissioners and their concept of equality.

And now the rules. Again. Like the half ton boulder in Arizona that was rolled aside for Tiger by a half dozen volunteers looking to get on SportsCenter.

So let's cut right to the chase.

Tiger clearly admitted to a basic rule violation when he said he dropped the ball "2 yards" further back to avoid a repeat of his unfortunate pin-rattle. (gee, cocky much?)

Additionally, there's clear video evidence showing he did NOT drop the ball "as near as possible" to the previous shot, as was his chosen option.

So nobody is questioning the 2 shots penalty. Nobody.

It's the timing. It's the cover up. It's the bullshit all around that we need to wade through.

So I have questions...


1. Besides Fred Ridley, who on "the committee" actually saw the initial drop and then looked at it again on tape after the round and decided it was a legal drop? Because it was not. Once you see the tape, it's plain. This was a stone cold SHANK by "the commmittee" - whomever that is. Stand up and be accountable.

2. Even if you *think* the drop was kosher, why did you choose not to bring it up to Tiger - just to be sure and hear his thinking on it - either during his round, or before signing his card? This is standard protocol at golf tournaments, especially majors and on tour. You know, a little "Hey.. we MIGHT have a problem... tell me about that drop on #15." Happens all the time. Except this time. Whoops. Why?

3. Is Tiger Woods saying that he did not know the rule regarding drop options on a water hazard? Because if that's the case, I'm rather shocked. He's played way too much golf to not know that.

4. Has Tiger ever called a penalty on himself as a professional? Anywhere? For anything?

So now I have to assemble a likely "narrative" on the whole thing (minus many key questions left unasked) and I must key in central conundrum: 'What did Tiger know, and when did he know it?"

Tiger says he didn't know/think anything funny about his drop until the Rules Committee called him late on Friday night. This would seem to be backed up by him shooting his big dumb mouth off about how smart he was to drop it "2 yards back" on the follow up shot.

Now if Tiger had a feeling that drop might have been wrong, but was waiting to hear about it from a greenjacket either before the 18th or before he signed his card - and then, seeing that nobody had a problem with nuthin' - decided to go home for a hot shower and television - then he's a cheater. Stone. Cold. Cheater.

Is he? I don't know.

I don't think I'll ever know that answer, because the assembled media did SUCH a shitty job asking him questions in the limited chances they had at him, it was a joke. The two biggest Tiger "client" reporters (Tom Rinaldi of ESPN and Steve Sands of the Golf Channel) effectively tag-teamed to hog the quick "group avail" and mostly ran out the clock.

I was screaming at my TV when bullshit non-question-questions like "describe your emotions walking to the first tee today" were asked.

Bill Macatee was as useless as you would expect for a guy who does maybe 6 NFL games a year, and then pops up at Augusta to roam the Butler Cabin. Think he was going to risk that cushy gig going all "Mike Wallace" on Tiger? Right.

And you can be damn sure that Tiger Woods IS... NEVER... FUCKING... TALKING... ABOUT... THIS... RULING... AGAIN.


So the chance to really pin him down is gone. Gone, gone, gone.

I'd love to pin him down with questions like.... "Did you and Joe Lacava discuss the drop? Why did you so adeptly sort through your options (drop zone, line of play, etc.) and then forget that "same spot" means SAME FUCKING SPOT, not 2 yards back, 3 yards left, or sitting up like a wedding dick on a nearby tuft of grass?"

I do believe one thing: the Augusta rules committee got lit up with snitches right away on that drop by not just astute viewers on television but by somebody on the grounds. Again, this was not a microscopic wobble of a ProV1 in HD on a bunker slope. This was a WRONG DROP!

And the Greenjackets on that committee were very much afraid of Tiger and had NO INTENTION of piling on his bad break on #15 with a penalty. I guarantee you they would have rather volunteered to wash Martha Burk's underarms with a loofa than be the guy who got the short straw and had to tell Tiger to pencil in an 8 on that hole.

Those rules cowards were going to happily let this thing sail away into the Augusta night, to die a slow pitiful death as a harmless theoretical exercise for golf blogging nerds.

Then big shot opened his mouth about the "2 yards."

And suddenly... "Houston.. we have a problem."

So at that point, The Rules Committee had to fabricate a convoluted timeline that was 50% truth, 30% fiction, and 20% barbwire and mud.

And because The Committee was actively trying to look the other way so Mr. TV Needle Mover didn't miss the weekend, it had to come up with it's tortured final ruling, and fall back on the ol' Committee has final "discretion" not to DQ a player if "special circumstances" are involved. (Rule 33-7. Look it up. Have fun.)

It was like the goddamn John Roberts ruling on Obamacare all over again!

So again, did Tiger really not KNOW the rule? Or did he FORGET the rule? Or did he CONFUSE the rule? I think he KNEW it, but forgot. So the only thing left is WHEN did he TRULY realize: "Oh fuck... I made a mistake."

If the answer is: only AFTER getting a call that night, then he's not a cheater. And that's his story. We'll just never know.

Now... to the other question: "should he have DQ'd himself?"

Easy. Answer: "of course."

Because at that point, the entire reason for winning tournament was lost. The asterisk was all ready to be hung. And it would never, ever, ever go away. "Here's Tiger, Mr. 19* Major Wins!" Boo.

If this were any other player, I would have said: "Shit, good break. They let you slide. Tee it up. I hear the money is good if you finish top-10."

But he's not any other player.

Playing the weekend was not worth it, on any level.

Bowing out would have earned Tiger a rare chance to surprise people who follow golf. So far, he's got 14 majors and 73 tour wins, but he's 0-for-his-career on making anybody say: "Wow, I didn't think he had THAT in him. Hmm. Good for Tiger."

Meanwhile, light and truth in golf, bends around Tiger Woods like a voracious black hole.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Augusta Changes Through The Years

There is no such thing as the "brilliance of the original design" of Augusta National.

That does not mean that Alistair McKenzie wasn't brilliant.

He was.

But here's the best interactive look at just how much this course we all love has changed since Bobby Jones conjured it up out of an old Georgia nursery.

Not only is modern agronomy able to create greens that roll at stomach knotting speeds, but the trees have grown up, and many many many more have been planted.

Bunkers have been added. Taken out. Moved. Re-shaped.

Rae's Creek was once a muddy, weed filled trickle, not the pristine quasi-pond it is now.

There is now a light fluffy cut of "rough" bordering the fairways.

Everything is different. Everywhere.

So just remember this, if you hear a pundit say something about how this was the Jones/McKenzie vision, realize they are full of shit.

Those men would hardly recognize the place if they were alive today.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

She's Here!

Lindsay Vonn is "on the premises."


Simple and Awesome

Two pieces of candy for you today.

First, the above photo of Arnie, the legend. What a brilliantly framed shot, of an enduring and great moment. The first tee-shot at the Masters.

Second is this 90 second snippet from Rich Lerner and the Golf Channel, on the silence before magic erupts at this golf tournament.

Good stuff. Simple, but awesome.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Gun Grabbing? Why Yes, I Was Just Thinking About That!

With gun control legislation coming to a head in Congress this week, I know you people are just dying to know my stance on the issue, right?

Ha. Of course not. You come to me for "sports" and I should keep my idiotic political opinions to myself.

Right. Check.

Okay then, I am not going to talk about guns, I'll talk about logic and emotion and instead.

First, emotion.

Emotionally, guns scare me. One pull of a trigger and basically, you or anyone you point it at is D-E-A-D.

Geezus. I can't handle thinking about that for more than a few seconds.

But logically, I know that it's very very very very important that I am permitted as an American citizen to own them. The reasons for this don't even need listing, because you know all the reasons by now.

Currently, I own zero guns. Well, check that. I own two pellet guns, an airsoft gun, and probably a few dusty squirt guns collecting spider webs in the garage.

I don't hunt. I have a robust alarm/security system. So I don't currently NEED any guns.

Yet, I am now going to go buy some guns. Three of them, in fact.

A short barrel shotgun. A handgun. And a sweet, sweet, scary-handle-with-all-the-military-trimmings looking semi-automatic "assault rifle."



Even if the current legislation goes nowhere, it is clear to many of us, that politicians who just want to "do something" after a terrible mass shooting and make themselves "feel better" by passing a law, are going to keep coming and keep coming after people like me who might want to own guns.

Therefore, buying three guns is a wise investment. Their "value" (both in real dollars and the intrinsic "ownership utility" of said instruments) is never going to be LOWER than it is right now.


I will learn to fire these guns at the range with my brother, who is very well versed in the ol' 2nd Amendment. I will take a course. I will lock them in a big ass safe somewhere very secure in my house. I will not worry for one second that they will fall into the hands of my kids by accident or that I will decide to "check out" one night just because I'm loopy on Captain n' Diets and Mike Shanahan just ran RG3 into a broken leg again.

Emotion and logic.

The emotion of the pro-gun-control crowd, is actually spurring logical people like me, to become gun owners for the first time.

So now they have me to deal with too.

Good work, everybody.

For you current gun owners, I am ready and open for buying suggestions. Try not to haze me too much for joining the club.

Dumb Shining Moment

Because ESPN doesn't know how to, or just won't, do sarcastic and funny.. leave it to Deadspin to author a brilliant rebuttal to "One Shining Moment."

Even though I love the original syrupy montage of highlights, I can also say this edition is a blisteringly funny and enjoyable watch.

Well played, gents. Well played!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Snicky du Jour: Paula Creamer

Didn't factor in the first ladies major of the year, but so what. She's still lookin' slammin' good in pink!

One And Done

Not less than 8 hours after the Louisville Cardinals basketball team cut down the nets in Atlanta, I hear a loud, hollow "thu-WONK!" on my sliding glass door.

To my horror, the birdfeeder version of Kevin Ware is lying motionless on my porch.

Okay, okay. Breathe. Don't panic. Maybe he's just "resting."

He was not resting. He did not "Rise Up."

To Louisville fans, I hope this is not an omen of things to come. To bird lovers like myself.... I did all I could.


AND NOW.... for something wonderful and uplifting... ."One Shining Moment!"

It never gets old!

Monday, April 8, 2013

The Big Wie-sy, Now Wheezing Through A Mediocre LPGA Career

Remember when she once said her goal was to play in the Masters?

Ah yes, good times.

"But she's only 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.... ahhhh forget it."

Now Wie is just an average - repeat AVERAGE - LPGA tour pro.

And maybe the shittiest putter in paid golf.

With a goofy stance.

Yep, she thought up this stance all by herself!

Head down so far you can't see or feel the distance or break while making the stroke. A strain on your back so that practicing your stroke for hours is a one-way ticket to the spine doctor.

And it doesn't even always work on the short ones. Egad.

Ian Poulter had the balls to call her out on it.

I wonder how long before he feels the need to apologize?

Hopefully, never. Because it was the golf establishment and the mainstream media who were complicit in helping Wie utterly wreck her career on a stupid marketing gimmick.




Golf is complicated, and yet also simple.

Play the game with joy, and because you love it. Nothing else will endure.
Learn to W-I-N at the earliest possible juncture of your career, and never lose that taste.

She did everything wrong, and the writing is now on the wall. Sadly, when somebody with credentials and honesty like Annika Sorenstam say what is obvious, even she feels the need to "tamp things down" with a personal apology.

This girl is a massive fraud and a thankless delusional brat.

And now a putting headcase.


And remember who said all this a long time ago, because I got buried in a mountain of crap 5-6 years ago.

Like the whole Tebow thing people. Stop buying the hype, and start respecting the results, even if they don't fit the prevailing media narrative.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

I Called It. SNL F'ing NAILED IT!

Good job, writers, and great timing with the funny/mean/fat Melissa McCarthy as the coach.

(what, wha? I can't call her "mean?")

I said last week on Wednesday that SNL was going to turn the Mike Rice story into gold, and sure enough they did that and then dipped it in platinum!


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Boom. Roasted.

Of course, the team, fearing a costly lawsuit from Irwin's estate - or, the lucrative Aussie transplant walk-up ticket revenue - immediately went into "full pussy" mode.
"Rays mascot Raymond was handed an inappropriate sign brought to the game by a fan. Fans are welcome to bring signs into Tropicana Field provided they are not offensive. 
"The Tampa Bay Rays regret that this particular sign was displayed in the ballpark, and we apologize for the lapse in judgment."

This world is going to hell.

Video du Jour: Worst Boyfriend Ever

I'm a bit torn here. Of course, the dude's a loser. Let's his woman just sit there and get smoked by a 400-foot bomb. And he's missing out on both...

a. A chance for a sweet game-used collectible
b. A chance for a SportsCenter caliber highlight if he successfully one-hands it.

Him? Nah. Run like a sissy.. then come back to rub down your girl's banged up cake crusher.


But on the other hand.... where is HER situational awareness? C'mon honey, get in the game!

Snicky du Jour: Jennie Garth

Her impish little nose always did something for me back in her 90210 glory days, but now that Ms. Garth has dropped some LBS and has aged like a fine-40-something wine... I figured she deserves a little SDJ action!

And this one... well... I'm pretty sure it's not recent, but it IS vintage Jennie G!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I'm Becoming a Big Brad Keselowski Fan

And not for his rugged good looks!

Yes, he's a helluva driver. The champ! But he also isn't afraid to speak his mind, and to my great and pleasant suprise, he really "gets it" when it comes to what makes sports fans STAY HOME these days, in a digital, everywhere-connected, high-defnition world.

Shitty wifi.

From this USA Today feature back in February, Keselowski nailed it when he said this...
"Three years ago, a track tried to put in Wi-Fi and was told no because of the Sprint (title sponsorship) agreement. Someone needs to step in at that point and say, 'I'm sorry, we're putting Wi-Fi in.' We can't miss out on these things. The speedway had funding in place from the government to do it, and we said no? Are you kidding me? 
I know I'm considered a social media leader because I'm active on Twitter, but it's much larger than Twitter. It's about technology, because that is what's driving my generation. Being able to text your friend and say, 'Hey, I'm at the hot dog stand, do you want a hot dog?' while they're in your seat, and you're in a line that took 30 minutes, you need to have service to do that. 
The fact I can go to a race with a Verizon phone and not have service when the race starts is a major problem. What needs to be done to fix that is you need to allow other carriers to come in with their boosters and whatnot, and that's not happening. That's not acceptable. 
You can't tell a fan that doesn't have service, 'We're working on it.' They bought their ticket already. That money they spent was for "worked," not "working." We have to open our eyes to the big picture. That's our sport's challenge. Can we do that?
Absolutely, spot on! And he also isn't afraid to call out short sighted gimmick campaigns, that won't likely expand the sport's fan base in the long run......

On Danica Patrick
When Danica (Patrick) gets in the car, I don't think, 'Oh there's that girl.' I think, 'Oh, there's that 30th-place driver.' That's the reality of it. People who talk to me about Danica and say, 'Man, you need to give her more of a chance.' No, you need to give her less of a chance. You need to treat her equally and think about those who never came even close to getting the opportunity she had."

I recommend the entire piece, because the kid shows a pretty savvy grasp of how fans interact with drivers in today's media environment. NASCAR would do well to listen to him. But knowing them, good luck.