Friday, August 30, 2013

Every New College Uniform/Helmet Scheme: With Pictures!

Shiny. Gaudy. Stupid. Clean. Nice. Fancy. Ugly.

Everything under the sun. Some teams now have 5 helmets! Like the Kansas Jayhawks!

It's never good, when you end up with more helmet colors than wins, on average.

I've pulled just a few juicy ones here. Read the entire piece by on your lunch break. You won't be disappointed!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Cover 5 League Applications: NOW OPEN!

Okay, degenerates! Here we go! Time for Czabe's annual running of... "This League...."

As you know, last year we organized a "private" Cover5 league for a $100 entry, winner gets 70%, 2nd gets %20, 3rd gets 10%.

It was lots o' fun. Crazy lead changes. Surges up and down the season long leaderboard. Ever game counts. Every point counts. You are never out of it, and you are never in the money until the dance band stops playing.

Why, I'd say it's a game that is more tension packed and death defying than a Mexican bike race.

/stunned faces
/realizes what that photo was about

Oh, so I'm the bad guy? I drove drunk into a road race? Whatever....

Many of you were MAD that you did not get IN, and want a chance this year. Most of you who WERE in last year, want in, AGAIN.

I understand.

So in an effort to be "fair" I will issue the following challenge.

Send me a simple, ONE paragraph plea to be in the league.

Use any means you deem effective: begging, bribery, a catchy team name, a family sob story, PG-13 "selfies" (women only, plz!), or just good ol' plain proper grammar and punctuation!

I will sort through the entries, and grant invites over this weekend. (Several hours of work, and probably 1000 emails, so don't get on my ass about when it's going to be done!)

As soon as you get your precious email INVITE, you better BUST YOUR ASS to follow directions and do TWO things!

1. Sign up officially for the league at
2. Wire me that $100 entry fee at under my email

Dawdle, screw up, wait, ask me dumb questions about how it works, fail to follow directions.... all will lead to a Soup Nazi like dismissal and I'll get the next guy in line. And there will be plenty.

Nobody is guaranteed a return spot in the league, for any reason. Nobody.

If you start your email with.. "I *should* be in the league because last year....."

BUZZZZZ! Gone. Goodbye. I don't care. Ain't no *should* in my world. Ask to be in, you shall be considered.

Some of last year's entrants will likely be granted a return. Some will not. I will not elaborate on why. I have my own internal criteria. Sort of like Jerry Jones bragging about the Cowboys own "internal" and proprietary "trade value" charts that you cannot see.

Do not whine. It will earn you a Pete Rose lifetime banishment.

NOW... here's where you have hope.

We are also starting a COLLEGE Cover5 league, under the league name: "Jay Bilas Can Suck It!"

It will feature every slate of Top 25 games in college, starting with NEXT week. (Post Labor Day).

Same things apply as above. Ask to be in the league. One paragraph. No whining. If accepted, sign up, pay up, and shut up.

Should be a flat out LOAD of fun, eh?

NOTE: You cannot, and will not be allowed in BOTH the college and NFL league. One league only. Except me. Haha. It is fun to be me, isn't it?

Finally, I urge EACH and EVERY ONE of you, to go out there and DO THIS YOURSELVES with  your own buddies. Do this with your softball team. Your church group. Your motorcycle gang. Your golf men's club.

Cover5 is wonderful in that you can create your own leagues FOR FREE, and play for anything you want! Including playing for the most DREADFUL thing of all.... FOR "FUN!" (/shudders in digust)

Cover5 and is BACK!

Buckle up, it's gonna be a wild ride!


Cover5 2013 Promotional Video from Scott Schmidt on Vimeo.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Going Out Like the Guy He Once Hated

This is the best take on Rex Ryan I have seen. In fact, I fully retract my previous "theory" that he was coaching like a guy in his final 10 minutes on the highway, trying all kinds of crazy crap in a futile attempt to survive.

Steve Politi of the Newark Star-Ledger, points out that Rex is essentially, going out like a bitch. Like the very coach he railed against when he arrived in NY, and without all the "now, let's go get a fucking snack" swagger of better times, long since passed.

Ryan is going down, and he is going down as a deflated, neutered, colorless (and maybe powerless) drone.

That, really, is almost sad. Coaches get fired all the time, especially coaches without a decent quarterback on their roster, so maybe this outcome was inevitable for Ryan no matter how promising the start.

But for it to happen like this? It’s as if Ryan had lap-band surgery on his personality. He is stumbling toward the end of his tenure with the Jets, barring an unforeseen and unlikely season, as exactly the type of coach he mocked early in his tenure with the Jets.

Bland. Secretive. Paranoid. His press conference in Florham Park on Monday was the moment that completed his transformation from a refreshing presence into Mangini II. How soon before he reinstalls the paper shredders in the locker room so the players can destroy their practice plans?

Oh how I remember the days of ol' fat Rex, bragging that he felt he was better than Bill Belichick. Shrugging off the whole embarassing foot fetish episode because he was still considered a sharp and bright coaching mind - when not rubbing some woman's pedicured toes.

Good times, good times.

Now he's got several completely shit QBs, a roster that's drained of just about everything else, and the end is near.

Politi is right, Rex. Don't be a bitch. Go down swinging, with swagger. It will at least prevent you from being tagged with one of the more dreaded labels in sports: "phony."

Idiot Ruins Epic Marlin Near-Impaling With Vertical Video Syndrome

Okay, this will sound harsh, but here goes.

I wish the guy taking this video had actually been impaled by the fish.

There, I said it. Yep. Dummies like this are ruining internet video!

This piece of video would have been EPIC, if the moron had just turned his phone sideways.

So, since you people are slow learners, for the LAST time, I bring you this public service announcement.

Remember Kids, It's All About Making Football Safer!

Which is why, when I read this article from the AP about the league *possibly* considering a rule change to outlaw "hits" to the "knee,", I merely shake my head and chuckle.

Of course they would do this. The NFL is never far from pushing the illusion that football can be made "safe."

(I put those in quotes, because what is a tackle, and what is a hit? What is the knee, and what is the lower thigh or upper shin? See the slippery slope we are on already?)

Here's a perfect example. We know that hits to the head of "defenseless" receivers are outlawed now. Okay, fine. But here's some sweet packaged football violence that is perfectly legal.

Packer OL Even Dietrich-Smith is engaged with Seahawk linebacker Bobby Wagner, to the point in which either Wagner's helmet is popping off in the collision like a hubcap in a head-on crash, or his neck is being twisted in an Exorcist like fashion to the right.

But the league doesn't give two craps about this, because THESE hits happen in the "trenches" where you don't see guys in the open field get "blown up" and then lay motionless for 10 minutes.

Of course, the RB in the picture, DeJuan Harris, is out for the year with a.... wait for it.... KNEE injury. One that I am just SURE would never happen, if the NFL adopts this wonderful new rule.


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Snicky du Jour: Miley Cyrus, Sigh, One More Time

In a last ditch effort to get Bob to reconsider his utter hatred of this "freak show wench" as he calls her, I present to you my last best effort to make you look at the Devil's spawn of ol' Achy Breaky Heart Guy with a more favorable eye.

Lamar Odom Appears to be Addicted To Something A Lot Stronger Than Gummy Bears

Like, uh..... CRACK!

Or maybe not, it all depends who you believe. TMZ is saying it's crack, and I treat their reporting in and around LA like it's the gospel. Plus, when you have a guy who was so addicted to sweets when he played for the Lakers, he had a dedicated "candy wrangler" make sure his SUV was filled with sugary delights, well then is it that much of a stretch to think he's on the crack pipe now?

Here's the original story on the candy addiction....

And here's another one of my favorite Lamar Odom scams, his charity called "Cathy's Kids." You need to watch all the way through to the part where he indignantly tells the reporter that "it's my money" when questioned about how much of it was actually reaching kids with cancer.

"It's my money...."

Sure, Lamar. That's how charities work. Well, anyhow, the wookie Kardashian is desperately trying to "save" her husband by cornering him in an hotel and trying to get him to check into rehab. Good luck with that. There's plenty of other eligible tall black men in the NBA Khloe, just pick one.

Monday, August 26, 2013

The Jets Are Going to Be The Best TV Comedy Since Seinfeld!

Strap in, kids. This is going to be a wild ride.

On Saturday night, Rex Ryan pulled an epic double-shot of coaching dip-shittery by re-inserting his least sucky starting QB into the 4th quarter of a pre-season game, watch him get hurt running around trying too damn hard, then making an ass of himself in the post-game presser.

Why, it's almost like this coach KNOWS he's getting fired, so he's going to just do donuts on owner Woody Johnson's front lawn, Paulie Walnuts style.

I think Rex never wanted to give Sanchez that extension. But Tannenbaum and Woody were caught up  in the moment and couldn't resist.

I think Rex never wanted to draft Geno Smith. But Woody felt he needed somebody - anybody - to give Jets fans (ticket holders) hope that someday they won't have to suffer through any more "Butt Fumbles."

Then as soon as Rex got Geno in camp ("This is my friend.. Geno Smith!") and saw just how utterly raw and not ready to play he was, well then all bets were off. He was dead man coaching. The chance to pull a rabbit of a decent season out of the hat, was now as good as being dead and gone.

So perhaps Rex Ryan is like an NFL coaching madman, completely unleashed from the usual restraints of wanting to keep your job. This could get really, really, fun.

Because YOU know how it's going to end, and HE knows how it's going to end.

So you wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts!


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Andy Reid: Master Motivator

“I can tell you right now, the burrito at Taqueria El Comal had all the ingredients of a world champion,” said Reid, his voice reportedly quivering as he described the effect of combining roasted chicken and carne asada to the players huddled around him.....

Burrito jokes. Fat coaches. Nope, not old to me. Not at all.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Taking A Longshot Bet on "Black 13"

Okay, so I'm watching the Packer-Seahawk exhibition game (errr... "Pre-Season" game...) from my in-laws Maine cabin (they actually had it on, for some reason) and I caught my first Packer action of one Vincent Young.

The two things that struck me immediately were...

1. Hmmm. 13. Odd number. Who has worn that "lucky" set of digits before in Green and Gold. (Answer: Chris Jacke, and Chester Marcol, both kickers, among others...)

2. And oh, yeah... a black QB. Have the Packers ever had one of them?

Apparently, not. At least not a starter. Which is fine. I am not trying to start anything here. In fact, I think any Packer fan would gladly welcome a kick-ass black starter, once your currrent 2 generation run of sure-fire Hall of Famers runs out. (/shakes fist. /#bastards!)

It just looked really, odd.

As for how did Vince play? I only saw a snippet, so I don't know. Personally, I think the guy is completely shot. In fact, he was never as good as the hype, and obviously he lacks the maturity and leadership to be the calm face of the franchise when things are not going well.

But I do sense that he's giving this comeback an earnest and humble effort. And for that, I applaud the guy. I am just not sure what he can do, or bring to the table. The coaches and Ted will have to figure that one out.

One last thing that bugged the crap out of me, however. Phil Simms. As you may know already, I have been very adamant that both Simms and Aikman are horribly, laughably, are-you-actually-listening-to-what-they-say BAD BAD BAD at analyzing NFL games on TV.

Oh sure, Phil is good at cliches delivered in a quasi-John Wayne cowboy voice. And Troy is good at giving you a second play-by-play description of what you just saw anyway, over a slow motion replay.

(Note: Tim Ryan and Cris Collinsworth are BY FAR and away, the best NFL game analysts on TV, IMHO).

So Vince nearly throws an awful pick on like his 3rd throw, and Simms blurps out unthinkingly "Good quick decision there...."

No! No, no, NOOOOOOO!

Bad decision! BAD! What is he TALKING about?!

Not only did Vince not properly read the linebacker who had dropped into his throwing lane, but the pass was going to be YARDS behind the receiver anyway!

And all Cowboy Simms could say was "good quick decision...." followed by some rambling nonsense.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Snicky du Jour: Kate Upton

The following is how Kate Upton's tiny little Commodore 64 computer of a brain thinks... (real quote)...

"After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month," the former equestrian champ told Elle magazine of the picture of herself in a red bikini.

"Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something. I'm not a toy, I'm a human. I'm not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your s*** out."

Okay then. Time to stop modeling, and get that office job you obviously would prefer.

Hannah Storm + Yoga + Clay Matthews = Hell Yeah!

File this one under... "Does Not Suck to Watch"....

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Epic Drone Fail


Boston Horror: Sox Broadcaster Jerry Remy's Son Was A Walking Timebomb

.... and last week it went... ka-boom.

At first, the story of son Jared stabbing his 27 year old girlfriend to death in front of their 4 year old child seemed to have little news value beyond greater Boston. Shocking, and utterly sad, yes, but relevant to anyone else? Nah.

Then I read the details.

Wow. Holy crap. Talk about system failure and missed chances.

The NIGHT BEFORE she was stabbed to death, Remy's girlfriend had her HEAD SMASHED INTO A MIRROR.

But she didn't press further charges, because of apparent pressure by Remy's parents.

"Martel's family told the Boston Globe that Martel backed off due to pressure coming from Remy's mother, "who begged her not to file any kind of complaint because it would ruin Remy’s life." Prosecutors have confirmed that Martel's unwillingness to get a restraining order was a major factor."


And of course, all the good laws and statues on the books to prevent this kind of thing - not to mention common sense by victims which also gets battered and distorted - failed.

Hell, I would have locked this creep up on looks alone. I know it seems unconstitutional and all, but sheesh. C'mon. This guy has "will fatally stab his girlfriend to death" written all over him!

And then there's this...

"Since 1998, Remy has faced 15 criminal charges. He has been accused of assaulting five people, four of them women. He formerly worked security for the Red Sox but was fired in 2008 as the result of a steroid investigation."

So yeah. Super. Did I also mention all THREE of Remy's kids (including his daughter) have a criminal record?

And yet Remy Jr. had a sweet job on the Sox payroll for about a decade.

It kinda makes Andy Reid's coddling of his son Garrett under the Eagles umbrella look like child's play, doesn't it.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Snicky du Jour: Erin Andrews

There were two thoughts that crossed my mind when I watched the promo below for Fox Sports 1 and their "College Football Saturday Show" hosted by the lovely Ms. Andrews.

Thought 1: Holy geeezus, what a SMOKESHOW she is!
Thought 2: Man, that voice REALLY is annoying.
Thought 3: Hey dummy, Thought 1 trumps Thought 2 all day, every day.

So while I think you can opt-out of actually watching the video promo HERE (though you might want to see Petros Papadakis discuss his utter failure as a USC football captain, or wonder why former NFL referee Mike Pereira seems so awkwardly out of place) here's a few screen grabs to enjoy.

Oh, and if you want to see Fox Sports 1's "#2 starter" in the "hotness rotation" you can watch the promo video for "Fox Sports Live" and the utterly awesome Charissa Thompson. Yowza!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

RG3 and His Dad Are Apparently A Package Deal

Anytime you hear a father say "I won't tell (insert coach's name here) how to coach the team..." well then, brace yourself for exactly that.

RG2 is now officially "fully involved" in his son's pro career here in Washington.

This from the GQ cover story on the recovering but still quite photogenic Mr. Griffin.
When I speak to RG2, he makes an effort to be diplomatic. "I will not tell Coach Shanahan how to do any part of his job," he says, "because he's been doing this for a long time." But he stands by his opinion—and then some. 
"You tell a kid that you want him to be there for fourteen years, guess what? Historical data will tell you that the more he runs, the more subject he is to career injury," he says. "You name one quarterback out there that would rather run the football than throw the football and I'll show you a loser."
Wow. Strong stuff. I wonder who he is (cough, Mike Vick) referring to in that (cough COUGH Mike Vick) statement?

I am a bit torn on the "net-net" of this whole thing with RG2, however, because he happens to be correct. RG3 can't run the ball 120 times a season. Just, cannot. And they certainly can't run pure option with him like they did (at times) last year.

But much of RG2's advice needs to go to his own SON, and not the perma-tanned lil' General. His kid needs to really study hard the tape on Russell Wilson, who is adept at stealing a backbreaking 15 yards with his legs, and then sliding safely to the ground without trying to make SportsCenter's "Top 10 Plays" list.

So for now, I am just going to enjoy the fact that he is torturing the living shit out of Shanny right now with his complete inability (or unwillingness) to just "go with the program" and treat August as the meaningless exercise it actually is for veterans and stars.

Shanny made the mistake of trying to cater to RG3's ego last January. A confident coach would have simply pulled RG3 for the simple fact he couldn't run full speed or throw with any oomph after they built the 14-0 lead.

Instead, Shanny made the mistake of putting one players feelings above the statistically better chance of winning and advancing.

He's paying for it now. And that's not me snickering in the back of the room.

I swear.

/covers mouth
/tee hee hee


RG3 Does Prancy Little Photo Shoot for GQ

This is... um.... well... okay. Uh, whatever. Stay classy, Robert.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

"A Young Catherine Zeta-Jones, With Huge Cans"

Yep, that's the lovely Amanda Duffner, getting a pat-pat on her... err.... "duffner" after laconic hubby and now golfing cult figure Jason won the PGA Championship.

By now, most men are more impressed that a muffin-gut, dip-spittin, Hubert "Bad Hair" Wimberly-lookin' guy like him, could bag a lovely southern lass like her.

Forget winning a Major. He's already won the grand slam!

So without further keystroking by me, enjoy the lovely smattering of Amanda Duffner images from the inter webs, along with the two most famous "waggles" in the history of golf.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Lingerie Football League Coach Loses His S*** At Halftime

Kinda sad that Suzy "Giant Tits" Thompson sitting there, can't exactly dissect weak-side help on a simple Cover-2 scheme. But hey, this coach is gonna get her straight.

Somewhere, Vince Lombardi is punching his rotted skull in the face in disgust at all of this.

Note: NSFW

Sunday, August 11, 2013

My Brother Jim Is Not Likely To Be Excited About Winning Our Fantasy League Any More...

Holy. Tuna.

My brother has been fishing since we were little punks on the mean streets of McLean, VA.

This, was his finest hour.


He told me this weekend by text that his "share" of the boat's prize (each boat usually agrees to share in any prizes, since whomever is on the reel that might snag the winning fish is pure luck) is likely to come in north of $77,000.

Which, once you add up his lifetime of spinner-jigs, nightcrawlers, rowboat rentals, bobbers, floppy hats and what not.... I think he's about $28.16 in the red.

Way to go, bro! You. Da. Man!


This was video from my very LAST deep sea fishing trip ever. Too many waves. Too early to leave, too late to return. I'm a closer-to-shore guy. But I do know how to splice down an 8 hour suburned trip on a boat into 3.5 minutes.

Outer Banks Fishing - 2009 from Steve Czaban on Vimeo.

Friday, August 9, 2013

PGA Championship "Did You See That" Collection

Okay, few things here. One, Scott Linn's new favorite golfer is this guy. The dietarily challenged, yet fun lovin', Thailandian Kiradech Aphibarnrat. Hey Kir. I know black is supposed to be "slimming" but I don't think it's workin' for ya. It looks like you are a killer whale that lost the rest of your "pod" while swimming up to Nantucket.

Meanwhile, my OTHER new favorite player is one Khoki Idoki, winner of the SENIOR PGA Championship this year. He's RAD because of two things: 1: That name just ROLLS of the tongue and is so fun to say and.. 2. His caddy looks like Yoko Ono. Solid.

Finally, if you didn't see Justin Rose take a MOP SIZED divot out of the rough, well.... NOW YOU HAVE! You'll need a backhoe worth of green sand for that one, Justin. Replace your divots, if possible, or wear them like Jim Colbert's toupee.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Drunk Royals Mommy Gets Wet and Wild

This is the kind of chick who is a TON of fun to hang out with if you don't know her.

Not quite so fun, if she's the woman is supposed to be tucking your kids into bed at night.

Bad girl, bad girl.. whatchagonnado!?

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

"Moments Like This..."

I know, I know. Bragging about the awesomeness of the Solheim Cup, makes me lower than a Trekkie at Comicon on the Nerd Scale.

But this promo is just so juicy.

If you love golf, what's not to like about...

a. Another International Team vs. Team format event...
b. Attractive, fierce and talented women who actually give a crap about winning...
c. The fact that overhyped stork Michelle Wie is nowhere in this promo?

Well played, Golf Channel. I'll be there. So will my DVR.

/"more Paula, please!"

Daily Poll: Vince Young Signs With Pack

Maybe The Most Disgusting Thing I've Ever Seen...

.... actually... scratch "maybe."

Good. Lord.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Snicky du Jour: Megan Fox

Seems like the former Transformer's starlet is cranking out another kid. Good for her. Although I read that she's bat-shine crazy, and has pretty much ruined her own acting career by being completely insufferable to work with.

It's takes a lot of "nuts" to make Hollywood directors say "no" to celluloid eye candy as fine as her. But  as they say: "It's real.... it's happening."

At least we can look back fondly on her ability to stick out her tongue whenever the cameras are around.