"Hallelujah, Holy S***! .... Where's the Tylenol...?"

Still the greatest scene, in the greatest modern Christmas movie of all time.

Never gets old.

May your holidays not annoy you to the point of having to direct-dip a large mug right out of the eggnog bowl!

Merry Christmas!

Cam! Caaaaaammmm!

Ladies and gentlemen, Cameron Newton has officially arrived.

I was once among the doubters - not a hater, a doubter, that's all - and yesterday what I saw from him in the final :55 was enough make me swoon.

:55 left

Down 13-10.
0 Time Outs
Ball on his own 35
1st and 10

Newton drops back in the pocket and stands tall as pass rushers pinch in, and force him to inch his way up. After waiting for a slow developing 25 yard in-route to finally uncover, he throws a wicked missile that Ted Ginn Jr. snags about 8 feet off the deck, in perfect stride, and continues on for another 12 or so yards AND gets out of bounds to stop the clock.

Watch the throw again. Newton doesn't flinch when big fat NT Broderick Bunkley is mere inches from his face, close enough to smell the big ugly's morning breakfast. His arm even crashes into the surging Bunkley as he delivers.

That, football fans, is some serious "pocket nerve" by a guy who began his career as a mere "run-around act."

Two plays later, another lazer beam, this time threaded into TE Greg Olsen at a speed and rifle barreled spiral that I bet would take your or my head off if we tried to catch such a thing.

Move the chains.

As the clock ticks, and analysts like Troy Aikman start talking about being safe and kicking a FG to tie, Newton lines up for the dagger.

Rob Ryan dials up "casino" - or, all-out blitz.

FS Malcolm Jenkins comes blistering in unblocked, radar lock on The Big Number One.

RB DeAngelo Williams just barely gets a hand on him to re-direct. As Jenkins comes flying by, he reaches out a hand that glances off Superman's cape.

Superman doesn't even flinch.

Eye level stays straight as a string
Feet don't get jittery.
Nothing.
Dead calm, when hell is breaking loose around him.

Bullet to Dominick Hickson in the front corner of the end zone.
TD.
Ballgame.
Playoffs.

Ladies and Gentlemen… CAM NEWTON…. has arrived!

Happy 10th Anniversary of Drunk Joe Namath Ogleing Suzy Kolber!

Great viral mash-up from the site that was spawned from this landmark moment of live television drunken embarassment. The fellas at Kissing Suzy Kolber have posted this re-make of the moment using hilarious 2-d "bobble-heads" and the climactic romance scene in Back to the Future. It is 3:40 of your employer's time and bandwith, that certainly doesn't suck. Enjoy.

"The Kennedy's of the Bayou"

The Duck Dynasty origin story is the mighty river from which all other Robertson-family stories flow. And it is an awesome story, one that improves the more it is told, so here is my stab at it: Phil Robertson grew up bone poor in the northwest corner of this state—a place where Cajun redneck culture and Ozark redneck culture intersect—to a manic-depressive mother and a roughneck father. He was a star quarterback in high school and earned a scholarship to play at Louisiana Tech, but quit after one season because football interfered with -duck-hunting season. The guy who took his roster spot at Tech was Terry Bradshaw, because that’s how these kinds of stories go.

According to Phil’s autobiography—a ghostwritten book he says he has never read—he spent his days after Tech doing odd jobs and his evenings getting drunk, chasing tail, and swallowing diet pills and black mollies, a form of medicinal speed. In his midtwenties, already married with three sons, a piss-drunk Robertson kicked his family out of the house. “I’m sick of you,” he told his wife, Kay. But Robertson soon realized the error of his ways, begged Kay to come back, and turned over his life to Jesus Christ.

GQ - Entertainment - "What the Duck?" - By Drew Magary

This piece of writing is especially juicy for me, because I happen to know the author, Drew Magary fairly well. He's a Washington D.C. based guy, who appeared as the "3rd guest" chair on The Sports Reporters with me and Andy Pollin for several years.

He rose to prominence as a writer through Deadspin, and now does great stuff for GQ. If you read this piece as your first ever "piece of Drew", you'll know why he gets tabbed for jobs like this.

He can write like Nolan Ryan could throw a baseball.

Or, in this case, he can write like Phil Robertson can take a duck out of the air.

Blam-blam-blam!

Duck, down.

Drew did a great job with this. Simply great. He's a self-admitted WASP-y Northeast liberal, by way of Minnesota. He's not an "in your face" liberal, but more of an a-political liberal, who I always said could be swayed into being a pretty solid LIBERTARIAN if he just went to a few meetings.

So he could have done a hatchet piece on the Bible-thumpin' Duck Dynasty clan fairly easily, but didn't.

The comments that have landed papa Phil in the no-so-happy-happy-happy place of being on "indefinite leave" from filming, are in my mind and many others, no big fucking deal.

They are not only what he believes, but they are actually enumerated in the Bible. Not just that, but they are basically no different from what the Pope believes - AND HE WAS JUST NAMED TIME MAGAZINE'S MAN OF THE YEAR!

But pop culture in America being what it is - and they are swimming in some of the deepest waters of that pop culture now - and with the fanatic leftist stronghold of the entrainment industry wielding absurd power, a showdown like this was bound to happen. I know first hand how much the LGBT crowd loves to shake down companies and media outlets whenever they see low-hanging fruit.

And while I don't think the "B" in LGBT stands for "bestiality" I am pretty sure it was that reference which sent them into crazy mode. You can argue whether including sex with animals in the same sentence with plain homosexuality was wrong or outrageous, but I would surely hope the LGBT crowd doesn't actually defend getting frisky with a horse, a dog, or a woodland critter as generally "okay."

But maybe they do. Somebody should ask them.

I think the endgame of this will go as follows: A&E knows they can't cut Phil from the show, or the ratings would collapse, killing the cash cow. They'll say they talked with Phil about being careful with his personal beliefs, and quietly the show goes on for Season 5 as planned. Only even bigger now, since this is getting such widespread cross-over "pop" in the news.

Hell, Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the air, in case you didn't know!

Personally, I am not a Biblical man like my wife and her side of the family, but I do happily attend church with her when possible and try to live a clean life. I certainly don't judge the strictly religious because - as they say - "I know their type" and they are usually some of the finest, most generous and caring people you'll ever meet.

I feel the same way with the Robertson's - America's First Redneck Family, or "The Kennedy's of the Bayou" as I call them - that they are inherently good people, who are going to manage to live in the burning glare of the pop culture spotlight and not let it tear the family to shreds.

The show is hokie and contrived, but so what? I feel like the boys are indeed MY long lost redneck brothers, and that Uncle Si and Phil would be two guy's I'd give up a pretty good chunk of cash to sit in a Duck blind all day with.

And I don't even hunt, either! (No Bible, and no gun? They'd have no use for me!)

Still, I am jealous as hell that Drew got to sit in the very den of Redneck Mecca - Phil's cramped living room, down on the 20,000 acre Robertson duck nirvana - and hang out with the clan. I can't wait to pepper him with fanboy questions the next time I see him.

In the meantime, enjoy the entire article by Drew, courtesy of the free inter-webs so you don't even have to purchase a thick printed version of Gentleman's Quarterly with a billion ads for expensive suits and models with 31 inch waists.

Pissed Off House Cat Gets Revenge on White Trash Owner

My only disappointment after watching this video, was that the cat called off the assault despite clearly having Flabby McBoozer on the ropes.

Next time Sprinkles, finish her off!!!

Snicky du Jour: Lindsay Vonn

I know, I know. You are getting SICK of me posting pictures of the NBC poster-girl for the upcoming Sochi Olympics.

Fine.

But I keep finding hot pics of her! Like this set, from RedBull Magazine, involving workouts with parallel bars, whose connection to downhill skiing eludes my athletic understanding.

And maybe the raccoon-like eye makeup is a bit much, but it somehow works for me.

Good luck Lindsay with that comeback. And no matter what, never stop doing magazine shoots.

Game Recap: Week #15 at Atlanta Falcons

The notion that Mike Shanahan can come back to this team next year, is laughable. Yet, that's the frantic message some outlets are now trying to peddle as the season smolders and burns.

It's all "noise" from now until New Year's, so let me just cut to the end-of-season scenario I envision.

Snyder and Shanahan will meet.

Each side's media handmaidens will get "their" side of the story out immediately and as convincingly as possible.

Redskins/Snyder stance will be: "Hey, we just finished 4-12, and he refused a legitimate request after 4 years of failure to get more experienced coordinators, fire Keith Burns, and give up final personnel authority. He's stubborn and un-reasonable. We had to make a change."

The Shanahii's take will be: "See, MEDDLING OWNER ALERT!" They will then blabber out offensive stats and ranks to justify Kyle's existence, brag about what a phenomenal "off-season program" Griffin is about to embark upon, then throw in the salary cap penalty... juuuust... one more time as an excuse!

This will all be done via media proxy wars, as the principles will each likely try to stay above the fray.

Remember: Shanny still wants to coach again. Snyder has to hire somebody new who isn't currently sitting in the Tom Cable Discount Bin.

The reason this is slow-walking into January is because Snyder is now actually getting some decent advice from people around him.

Everybody mocked Lanny Davis coming on board to help navigate the tricky PR waters of the name "controversy.

Well, call Davis what you want, but he's really skilled at this stuff.

You don't serve as special counsel to slick Willy and make sure 99 out of 100 bimbos never see the light of day, unless you are very tactically sharp. (Damn Monica! Saved the dress. Bitch.)

No doubt Davis is helping navigate this split, along with Bruce Allen.

The old Danny would have fired Shanny and cut the check without blinking at halftime of the Kansas City disaster.

The new Danny is now starting to play a little chess, instead of just flipping the checkerboard over when things don't go his way.

I have never believed the $7 million (plus staff buyout) was anything more than just a chip Snyder wanted to bargain against. The man has written far bigger checks, for even bigger wastes of money. Besides, the cost to bring Shanny BACK - by way of half-empty stadiums and season-ticket flight - might actually cost more.

The first smart thing Snyder did, was to shut up. No statements. No interviews. Nothing in the wake of all this "noise". The second smart thing was to sit back and let Shanahan play with his coveted 4th round QB toy for a few games before this whole sordid thing was done.

Snyder has kept all of his leverage, and avoided looking like a shitheel in the process.

Truly remarkable, if you think about it.

Plus, he protected the image of the guy he needed to protect most: RG3. The last thing you want to do is validate everyone's belief that you and the QB are "too close."

Griffin looks like a pro. Next coach doesn't worry as much about interference from above. So far, so good.

Now, Cousins.

I simply don't think you can have him on this team next year. Period. Young, viable backups with a future, who can look good in spurts, are a destabilizing presence.

That's not my opinion. That's just how the NFL is these days.

Hooplehead fans start to call for the backup at the first 2 game losing streak, or 3 INT game by the starter.

Nothing against Kirk. I sense he can play a bit in the league, if he finds a good spot. But I refuse to think he's anything more than a properly evaluated mid-round draft pick, who is likely just an average starter.

Whatever pick you can get for him is nice, but don't get hung up on that. Cousins needs to go for reasons of atmospherics, confidence, and stability.

Now, if you want a long shot fantasy, I'll give you one. What if..... a team decides they want Shanahan, but he's not yet fired 48 hours after the season ends? Maybe you could find one sucker team to take Mike and Kyle, throw in Cousins as a package and take a single #1 or #2.

It's a moonshot, I know. But as my dad always said: "It only takes one person, to sell your one thing to, once."

The one team?

Why not the Raiders? They have relatively nothing going on at QB (sorry, Terrelle Pryor) and maybe Mark Davis wants to finally make good on that $275,000 his old man stiffed Shanny for back in the late 80's.

/removes tin-foil hat

Okay, now that we've dispensed with that indulged silliness, here's my best guess for what actually WILL happen.

Shanny and company all get wiped out right after the season, per the PR dance I described above. Nobody has to sue for their money. Clean slate. Bruce stays in some capacity. Semi-conventional coaching search ensues.

New regime shops and moves Cousins before the draft, probably for a 3rd and some sugar (maybe a switch of rounds with said team in rounds 4 through 6).

New coach announces allegiance to RG3, vows to make him great again, with veteran clipboard holder posing no threat from behind.

And a new era begins.

Meanwhile, Atlanta was victorious on Sunday 27-26. Seven turnovers doomed the Skins, as a gambling 2-point try and on-side kick both fail, sealing the loss and dropping the season record to 3-11.

The Dallas Cowboys visit FedEx Field next Sunday at 1:00. Tickets will be available. Please try not to sell them to Cowboy fans.

I'll Be Honest: This Hurts

Can't deny it. Packer fans are amongst the best in the league. That said, you have no idea how different the "experience" is between Lambeau and FedEx Field.

Look Out! Tim Donaghy Has Tried to Poison David Stern's Water!

Careful, commish! You only have a few months left. Make sure those water and food tasters are fully paid and on call, until the bitter end!

I Know This.... It Can't Be Me!

Nothing irks quite like a boss who lacks accountability for his own screw ups.

So if RGIII has fallen into terrible mechanics, doesn't like watching his own bad plays in front of the team in film session, and isn't making good reads in the pocket....

..it is Shanahan's fault. He's the coach, and he bought the kid. Work with him.

If Dan Snyder is way too far up the QB's ass, sniffing farts and taking him out to bromance dinners by candlelight....

... it is Shanahan's fault. Because he should have told the owner in no uncertain terms that those things are bad for the lockeroom, bad for Snyder himself, and certainly bad for Griffin in the long run.

If Griffin pressured Shanahan to make sure he started Week 1 with no pre-season and very little full scale action in training camp coming off that knee injury - just so he could fulfill an Adidas marketing campaign to be "#all-in" for Week 1...

.. it is Shanahan's fault for allowing that to happen, and not doing what's best for the team.

If the rest of the team is so piss poor it can't hold opponents to under 30 points, or not set constant brush fires on special teams that ruin games....

... it is Shanahan's fault for neglecting to give full attention and effort to building a whole team.

If you don't notice a trend here... I'll just say it loud and proud: THIS IS ALL SHANAHAN'S FAULT!

It's his fault, because he took the 5-year, $35 million dollar deal to coach this team, and to work for this owner, and to spend 4 extremely high draft picks on Griffin.

It's his fault for getting and having full coaching staff and roster control, and delivering a weak team and a mediocre staff (if that) in the vaunted 4th year of a 5 year re-building plan.

(Note: The Chiefs, Eagles, Bears, and Cardinals ALL have spanking new coaches, and winning records. Five year plan? The hell they say!)

The frantically comical, revisionist history spiel of nonsense this guy rolled out at Redskins Park today was nothing short of a showcase showdown of crazy.

He said all that, because he really thinks all that.

Reality, be damned.

And yeah, people get that way in life. Haven't we all known them?

In Japanese culture, business leaders and CEO's would rather jump on a sushi blade than pass the buck on their company's failure.

Mike Shanahan decides it's time to change quarterbacks. Again.

You could design an iphone app that changes QB's when the record reaches double-digit losses. You don't need a $7 million maniac like this guy.

We went from Campbell to McNabb. McNabb to Rex. Rex to Beck. Beck back to Rex. Rex to RG3. Now RG3 to Cousins.

It's can't be him, people. It just can't.

Jake Plummer knows all about Shanny's modus operandi. It didn't take long for USA Today to reach him on Wednesday.

Plummer, 38, led Shanahan's 2005 Broncos to a 13-3 season and No. 2 seed before Denver was eliminated by the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Championship Game. Shanahan benched Plummer for then rookie Cutler the next season after the veteran led the Broncos to a 7-4 start.

"I just know from my experience sometimes Shanahan would ask too much of me,'' he said. "I was pretty good. But I was no Peyton Manning. I had to fight every day. 

"A similar situation happened with me, and it happened with Donovan McNabb (benched Dec. 17, 2010 by Shanahan) because we had our own styles, and it didn't mesh with what Mike wanted. What I see happening there isn't the same, but it is similar. 

"Mike definitely rubbed me the wrong way in some ways. Also, he did some great things in resurrecting my career. Overall, I was grateful to be coached by him. But I was a square peg in a round hole. I didn't fit what he really wanted me to be, and he moved on to somebody else.''

I don't know if the "true" RG3 is closer to the player he was last season, or closer to the one he has slumped to this season. But I do know this. We ARE "#all-in" on this guy because of the price that was paid. We are all-in because he was so electric last season in winning rookie of the year.

You gotta ride him out to the end of his 5 year rookie contract before you even THINK about going in a new direction. Funny, because where's the patience from Shanahan?

He browbeat Griffin into having it, so he wouldn't return too quickly. Remember "Operation Patience?"

He browbeat the fanbase into it, saying things were much worse than he expected when he took over for Vinny and Zorn.

So where's HIS patience?

Right.

You can listen to his stupid spiel about the vaunted "off-season program" until you collapse. If the off-season program was so crucial, how come he allowed Griffin to start week 1 this year without it?

But NOW, it's important. Got it.

For those who want season tickets to the glorious "Off-Season Program", let it be known last year it began April 15th.

April.

There were 6 days of OTA's in May.
Four more in June.

Then a 3-day mandatory mini-camp.

I'm gonna say Griffin is gonna be very "fresh" for these.

Meanwhile, I'll be there in January to help Shanny clean out his office for good this time.

What a dick.

Modern Leaders. Modern Times.

#thishappened

Oh well, I guess the website "Selfies at Funerals" can now... REST IN PEACE!

Oh, hahaha.. bwhahahaHAHA...

Sorry, sorry.

/hushes down in his seat

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Peregrine. F***ing. Falcon! UPDATE: "Cooper's Hawk." DAMMIT!

As a self-described "Bird Nerd" THIS... is pretty damn cool!

I had noticed a strange bird swooping by my feeders out on the "Monogamous Compound" and wondered what the F is THAT thing?

A few blurry glimpses. A few aborted attempts at a photo.

Then today, my lovely wife snaps a lovely perched shot of this guy under a blanket of December snow.

Peregrine. F***ing. Falcon.

Awesome.

Fastest bird... nay ANIMAL... in the world!

Can swoop down at 200 F'ING MILES PER HOUR!

Eats rock doves, apparently.

Which makes sense, because I have so many rock doves around my feeder it's looks like a damn Sizzler for predatory apex birds!

>>>>>>> UPDATE >>>>>>>>

Thanks to many better eyed BIRD NERDS out there.... for correcting.

I am crestfallen. BUT... still happy to have attracted a spectacular "Cooper's Hawk."

I shall add it to my collection.

Best NFL Sunday... Ever!

It can't even be close. There's only one problem: nobody has been keeping a very good, detailed list, soooo I'm not sure what would be #2.

But my goodness, Sunday was so incredible, it reminded me of two immutable truths...

NFL football is so awesome a televised sporting product, that because the games are almost always down to the last second, and the utterly bizarre ways to win or lose are so myriad...

1. You can't f*** it up. Even though NFL owners seem to be trying real hard. (Hint: they can't).
2. As a frequent critic of everything involved with "Point #1" above.... well... whatever. I can't quit it. And neither can you. Sign me up for 10 more years of Sunday Ticket. Price is no object.

Then, you throw in some snow. All over the bleeping place!

Had to be the SNOWIEST Sunday in league history, and I am pretty sure somebody at ESPN's "Nerd Factory" is going to research that and have our answer by mid-week.

Thanks Al Gore!

- Amazing Finishes
- Horrible Calls on simple rules we accept
- Random application of horrible rules everybody hates
- Off-field soap operas
- Big hits
- Rivalries
- Fantasy
- Gambling
- Cover5
- Elimation Pools

And best of all, Ed Hochuli asking.... nay... DEMANDING... that somebody get out here right now and blow the goal-line!

Ahem. Well, he *sorta* said that.

NFL records fell on Sunday all over the place...

LeSean McCoy broke Steve Van Buren's single game rush record with the Eagles set in 1949.
Matt Prater finally took down Tom Dempsy's 63 yard field goal mark. And altitude be damned, it was f***ing freezing in Denver, so I think there's no asterisks to be hung on it.

And surely the DEPTH of the snow in Philly (almost 8 inches) is the deepest I've ever seen for an NFL game.

Obviously, the league would love something sorta like the Philly game in New York for the Superbowl. But they might get just frostbite and wind. Or numbing rain.

We shall see...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Things here in Washington D.C. are about to get nutty. I don't really have any great desire to adjudicate this 3-way idiot's-spat between Danny, Shanny, and SuperBob. But, alas, this is the job.

So, yeah. Who leaked the Shanahan "office cleanout" story, almost a full YEAR after the fact? Gee, take a guess? Who wants to get fired - right now, to get a jump on other vacancies - while pinning his own abysmal record on a meddling owner and a diva QB?

Any guesses?

Shanny is a beady-eyed, excuse-making weasel, and his true colors, in full plumage, are being shown now. He's done here, and he's done league-wide. Mark my words. The best paragraph came from this awesome nuclear blast of a column from veteran Skins opinion man Tom Boswell in the Washington Post.

In the Great Snyder Depression, there have been many low points. He fired Schottenheimer in part because he just didn’t like him, even though he’d won eight of his last 11 games. Then he hired Spurrier, who lasted only two years, then phoned in his resignation from a golf course. Some thought that the bottom was when the only human Snyder and his pet general manager, Vinny Cerrato, could get as head coach was a position coach, Zorn, who thought the teams colors were maroon and black. 

But none of that, apparently, was the true and absolute bottom. Out-of-work Kremlinologists who now study Ashburn, Va., will someday determine whether Shanahan really wants to be fired so he can get the first shot at the open Houston coaching job and take his son, Kyle, a successful offensive coordinator there in ’09-10, with him to a safe harbor and, perhaps, a No. 1 overall draft pick. After all, the Texans are the only team in the NFL with a worse record than Washington. Or maybe “fired” ensures him more of the $7 million for ’14 that he’s owed, whereas “I quit” squanders it.

Ka-boom. Read the whole thing. It's museum quality. Boz had the stones to ask Shanny: "So, you're only going to answer questions about things you want to talk about today, is that it?"

Of course, I hesitate to piledrive Shanny too much, because as Bos mentions above - IT ALWAYS ENDS BADLY WITH DANNY COACHES! Except Gibbs, who left suddenly and was of no help at all in finding a decent successor.

All I know, is LOOK at that graphic ESPN worked up for the story. Could they make Danny or Shanny look like any bigger shitheels? Good work, graphics department.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You watch enough football, and you start to see patterns. The way Cleveland lost was typical. Up by a "safe" 12 points vs. the Pats with just over 2:00 to play, the Browns decided to ONLY rush 4 players against one of the most lethal QB's in history. Brady had plenty of time to scan and throw, and went tic-tac-toe down the field almost exclusively to Julian Edelman for a TD to close the gap to 5.

After the on-side kick (the first one the Pats had recovered since 1995!) you would think the Browns would learn their lesson and at least rush 5. Wrong. On the controversial PI call that set-up 1st and goal, look at the comical fact that the Browns STILL had three warm bodies trying to cover a no-name scrub like Josh Boyce.

To no avail. Surely smart d-coordinators would look at that and say "you know, if we just rushed one more guy" this dude would still not be any more "covered" than with three DBs.

The same thing happened in the Vikings-Ravens game, where you can see here the comical MIS-APPLICATION of bodies to defend a game winning pass with :10 left.

It's like coaching DOGMA, that "thou shalt NEVER rush more than 4 guys" to make sure you have all the empty field covered with bodies.

Flacco on that play dropped back comfortably, looked at his options comfortably, and then thre the game winning dagger.... comfortably.

And I suspect this nonsense will continue. Most NFL coaches are creatures of habit, superstition and fear.

Not logic.

CzabeVegas 2014 is OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!

Can't wait to see everybody in March! Year 5, and this one will be, I am certain, the BEST ONE EVAH!

www.czabevegas.com

Book now, don't dawdle!

Makes a great Christmas gift!

Congrats to Paul Gawronski! Champion of the Cover5 College League!

For the first year, we organized a college Top-25 league for the addictively awesome Cover5 game.

It was a lot of fun.

And, I sucked at it.

Hugely, sucked.

My initial boffo 80 point week, led me to believe I was going to be a CONTENDAH all the way to the end.

However, I quickly found out that I had no good feel for when it actually made SENSE to lay a whopping 34.5 points with a college team that is about to win 76-3, or not.

My season started to get wobbly and then unravelled completely in a disastrous -60 point Week 10. Such high hopes early, only to be dashed with the cold water of reality, that I was simply NOT.THAT.GOOD., not unlike a typical Clemson Tiger campaign.

I shall remain undaunted, though, and look forward to next year.

In the meantime, all hail Paul Gawronski, who survived a -22.5 point closing week to squeek out a 3 point victory in the end. That's Cover5 for ya, kids! Every game, every point matters, RIGHT TO THE END!

And for the "place" and "show" ponies Michael Oswald and Ryan Elwell, they will no doubt be thankful for their nominal prize payouts compared to the big one, they will certainly agonize for some good long time about double-disasters of -40.5 and -41.5 in the final week of play.

Once again, that's Cover5!

For Mr. Gawronski, it's gonna be a ho-ho-ho-MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Now, stay tuned to this space next week, for a very cool Cover5 College BOWL SEASON game!

Animals Don't Give Two S***'s About Roger Goodell's "Heads Up Tackling" Program

I defy you not to spend many minutes watching these.

No chance.  You will watch. You will laugh.

And I am pretty sure none of these little toddlers ended up on the season ending PUP-list after these collisions.

They're kids. It's like they are made of rubber!

/ht Gawker.com who had an even longer collection of more animal/human hijinks here.

Inside The World of "Mean" Gene Steratore: The 2nd Best Ref in the NFL (Behind Eddie "Pipes" Hochuli)

Okay, please don't chortle when I say this, because I mean it with full force and candor.

"This is when Peter King is at his best."

Boom.

No, really.

In fact, if I were at SI.com, I would convince Pete to give up trying to make week-to-week sense of a sport - the NFL - which clearly eludes his comprehensive grasp, and instead just write features like this one.

Interesting. Well written. Thorough.

Dare I say, "lofty."

Pete, get yourself a triple-cap mocha latte for this one. On me.

>>>>>>

My favorite line from Steratore about officiating in the NFL:

“This business is a tinderbox. You’re walking on a cliff on every play. I want to make sure we get the fouls everyone sees. My belief is you go fishing for whales in this business. Don’t go fishing for minnows.”

While I find it laudable that the NFL prohibits officials from even taking a SIP of alcohol in the 24 hours prior to a game they officiate - and even frown on a post-game beer with the crew after a job well done - the league still somehow lets Jeff Triplette amble around and fuck up NFL games left and right while exhibiting all the urgency and focus of your typical DMV worker.

Read the whole thing. It's magnificent, nerdy, ref-obsessed goodness.

Who Exactly, IS This Woman?!

Because, I find her oddly.... hot?

Is she the NFL's designated "chain gang supervisor/hall monitor?"

And what is she saying here. Something tells me, there's a bad word involved, given Jeff Triplette's crew's massive screw up at the end of the SNF game.

And if I find her vaguely "hot"... then what is wrong with me?

Cooked Lobster

Gonna be really, really hard to bring this guy back next year after last night.

While it's generally a stupid idea to base hiring/firing decisions on largely meaningless games at the end of lost seasons, the fact remains that particularly bad losses can often prove fatal to head coaches.

If you still had faith as a Redskins fan in The Shanahii, then surely your faith has been shaken to it's core.

In short, it's hard to make a list of what the guy does WELL any more.

Certainly not roster assembly. Certainly not motivation. Certainly not in-game tactical decisions, clock management, or instant replay challenges.

Yes, his offensive concepts, by and large, remain a proven commodity. But what in the hell is he doing with this particular quarterback? It remains a mystery to me.

If he, or his son Kyle really thinks we'll be running zone-read-option-pitch plays 3, 4, 5 years from now, then they are fucking crazy. Those who have screamed that this is the "offense of the future" continue to miss the point.

Winning in the current, modern NFL, is predicated on essentially one thing: the ability to pass the ball downfield. As efficiently as possible.

Period.

The better you are at downfield, vertical, strikes, the easier it becomes to win.

And this doesn't even account for injuries to your most valuable player, the QB. Even if RG3 were an indestructible zone-read robot, this offense would still be a waste of time.

It doesn't mean I don't want all traces of it scrubbed from the playbook.

Hardly.

Keep these pistol, zone-read "looks" in there, and then use them judiciously. Goal-line. 4th and 2. Not as a obligatory pre-cursor to play action passing in the first quarter on your own 30 yard line.

So I now have to wonder: "What DID the Shanahii see in RG3 when they loaded the sacrificial pyre of #1 picks and light them on fire for him?"

Did they claim to see "the future" of NFL offenses, and wanted to run zone-read-option from the jump, and stick with it for years and years and years?

Did they see a 2-3 year "project franchise QB" (if there is such a creature) who would need to be slowly nursed into a pocket passer?

Or were they surprised at some things he could not yet do, and have been "winging it" ever since he landed here in town?

I don't know, and I'm not convinced that THEY know either!

And of all the sins a coaching regime can commit in the NFL - Shanny's pathetic 24-36 record not included - the worst sin is not having a coherent and sensible PLAN for your most important player.

Whatever that plan is, I'm sorry, I don't see it.

Worse yet is the relationship seems hopelessly poisoned. Part of which, may well be the fault of an image obsessed signal-calling diva.

It doesn't matter. He's who you got.

You need to coach him, mold him, manage him, and even suffer him through it all. You bought him. He's yours. Too late to complain if he's not compliant enough for your liking.

At the least, Griffin needs a truly independent offensive coordinator to be his best friend and mentor, a "good cop" counterbalance to the "bad cop" of big Mike.

That "obviously" (as Shanny likes to say) cannot be the coach's under-resumed son. It just can't. Sorry,  Kyle.

Sadly, all of this only represents a portion of the team's problems. The roster is too stuffed with bad ideas, patches, and purchased, aging free agents. Watching this team run around, compared to watching other teams in the league run around, the only word that comes to mind is… "feh."

So do you really want Shanny back for a 1 year "prove it to me" final installment of his original contract?

I wouldn't.

But I'm also not convinced this owner and this franchise even knows HOW to make a decent hire. Aside from pushing a massive pile of money at a recently fired coach with two Super Bowls, the last time they tried to hire somebody they ended up with Jim Zorn.

Can they hire a hungry, non-celebrity coach (ala Bruce Arians or Mike McCoy) and then stand back and let him do his thing, create his culture, and operate the team without undermining him?

I have my doubts. But I am pretty sure we're about to find out.

When you have gone 0-5 on night games, when the stadium is half empty, when you have a 14-0 lead on a truly fetid opponent like the Giants and get swamped 24-3 after that…. well… then next year becomes a distinct MARKETING problem if Mike Shanahan is still on your media guide cover.

And there's one thing we know about this franchise: marketing always has a say at the table, no matter what might look like a purely "football" decision.

I've Always Wanted To Do Radio With A Former TE and Master Potter….

…. and now… my dreams have ALL COME TRUE!

Enjoy this nicely shot piece on my new radio buuuuuuddy, Christopher Cooley.

Not sure if the Washington Post shooting web videos is necessarily the path to profitability again in the paper business, but they are doing it. And if you want the "word story" to go with it, you can read it here.

Why I'm Thankful...

For parents, and a family... like this.

I was lucky enough to get a hold of the Czaban Family Archives in advance of my parents' 50th anniversary this summer. My pops did a great job of documenting things - often, ordinary things - along the way when I was little. And my mom, was and is, simply the best.

I am so lucky that both are alive and thriving, and living nearby to dote on our daughters and spoil them rotten.

If you ever wanted to see the backstory of my upbringing and why I jokingly call them the "mean streets" of McLean, Virginia...  well here's the definitive documentary.

I hope everyone who reads this blog, also had a great Thanksgiving.

And if your parents are still alive and in your life, enjoy every minute with them.

And for your kids, take lots of pictures and video. They mature with age and become priceless family artifacts.

Get. Better. Players.

Sometimes, the simplest message is the most true.

Like Chick-fil-A's brilliantly minimalist marketing strategy, in the NFL there is no substitute for getting better players.

And despite all the problems with the Redskins right now - too many to truly list - the biggest problem remains as boring and old as the NFL hills: poor talent.

Griffin can improve. Shanahan can be fired. Those things will run their course.

Getting mo' better players, however, takes time and a persistent strategy.

Nothing sexy or quick about it.

Here's all that really matters about the Redskins right now. Going into the Vikings game 3 losses ago, the team was staggeringly healthy. All 22 of it's Week 1 starters on both sides of the ball, were suited and ready to go.

And they lost the next three.

If you were to rate each player as follows...

++ = NFL elite, All-Pro
+ = Very good, Pro Bowl Caliber
0 = A decent player, no more, no less.
- = Less than average player
-- = Liability, should not be on roster

I would say the Redskins current roster has more "minus", or double-minus players than "plus" players by a factor of 2-to-1.

And I won't go through calling them out, because I think followers of the team know exactly who they are.

So in other words, the Redskins' roster - full of "minus" players - doesn't even have young backups who are pushing and taking over starting jobs.

Which makes the bench "double-minus" caliber talent.

Shanahan is eager to get at that sweet, sweet, salary cap money which will be finally be available this spring. Hell, he talks about it more than a teenager talks about the upcoming One Direction release.

But you can't buy more than a few decent guys with cap space.

The Rams have our first rounder this year, as final payment for RG3. It's looking like it might be Top-5, perhaps (gulp!) #1/#1.

That's sobering enough if Griffin were good this year, and the team was still bad due to other reasons.

But in my nightmares........ I see Joe Webb.

In my nightmares, I see the great RG3 Experiment morphing into a guy who is not much more than a "run around guy", still trying to pull miracles out of his Superman socks.

I still have faith,  maybe stupidly, that this guy is smart enough, committed enough, and skilled enough to play the position at an elite level.

But he needs better coaching, a big dollop of humility (currently being installed by recent events and games) and... alas.... MORE. BETTER. PLAYERS.

>>>>>>>>>

Here are the notable screen shots from last night's game. None are comforting. Especially, the kick to the gonads!

Tony Sirico Makes Canine Cameo on Family Guy

I could listen to his wet, whistle-ish, Italian voice all day long.

Just So You Understand "Roger Goodell's Super Safe NFL Rules" Better...

This was a penalty.

This was not.

#thisleague

Happy 4th Anniversary, Tiger Woods Scandal!

To me, Thanksgiving means all the wonderful things in life to savor and enjoy. Family, friends, food... and a remembrance of the car crash and subsequent bimbo-palooza that brought down Eldrick T. Woods from the Mount Olympus of sports and commercial endorsement.

Oh, how the time flies.

Still no majors since then.... but hey, he's a young* 37, there's plenty of time. Right?

I remember exactly where I was when I heard that Woods had been in a car crash and was in "serious" condition at an Orlando hospital. I was driving up to my driveway when my golf bro Gitter rang my cell phone with the news.

Holy, crap! My mind raced with thoughts of what it would mean if he never played again at a competitive level. Or perhaps was as bad as Hogan. Or... of course... the worst.

Well, turns out the crash was the LEAST of his problems.

The unfolding several weeks after that night, was beyond brain melting in terms of what we, the media, and fans, had FORMERLY thought about the multi-ethnic, can-do-no-wrong, golfing superstar.

I mean, hey, we were naive to think he perhaps didn't *dabble* just bit outside the lovely Swedish model-turned-nanny-turned-housewife. But the skanks just kept coming.

And the voice mail. And the porn stars. And the Perkins waitress! And the sex rehab clinic in Mississippi. And the "fake" Tiger his agent paid to try to throw the paparazzi off the trail.

Well, for the first time I can recall, there's a very specific (and thorough recap) of the "Three Nights in November" at the Woods compound in Florida, that began the unravelling. I am not sure where the NY Post's Maureen Callahan sources much of this very private intelligence on the whole mess, but I am sure there are now bimbo's (and perhaps Elin herself) more than willing to whisper out the facts despite payoffs, NDA's and sealed divorce records.

>>>>
>>>>

Sources close to Nordegren later told The Daily Beast that on Nov. 24, one day before the Enquirer hit stands, Woods put his wife on the phone with Uchitel, who insisted there was no truth to the imminent story. Nordegren and Uchitel spoke for 30 minutes.

Woods was satisfied; Nordegren was not. That afternoon, Woods left his cellphone unattended, and Nordegren scrolled through his call history. She found another name, Jaimee Grubbs, and called her. Nordegren got voice mail. She left a message.

“You know who this is,” Nordegren said, “because you are f- -king my husband.”

Nordegren didn’t tell Woods, and when he retrieved his phone, he, too, called Grubbs.

His call also went to voice mail.

“Hey, it’s, uh . . . it’s Tiger,” he said. “Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and, uh, may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. And, um . . . just have it as a number on the voice mail. OK? You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. All right, bye.”

>>>>

On Thanksgiving night, after Woods, an insomniac, took an Ambien and fell asleep, Nordegren took his phone and scrolled for Uchitel’s number.

She clicked on it and found a text from her husband: “You are the only one I’ve ever loved.”

It was now 1 a.m. on Friday, and Nordegren, described by friends as an exceptionally controlled person, thought for a moment. How could she be sure to catch her husband in this lie?

She began texting Uchitel — as Woods.

“I miss you,” Nordegren wrote. “When are we seeing each other again?”

Uchitel replied immediately, expressing surprise that Woods was up.

Nordegren called Uchitel immediately. “I knew it was you,” she said. “I know everything.”

“Oh, f- -k,” Uchitel said. She hung up.

Nordegren’s screaming woke up Woods. He was woozy, but he grabbed his cellphone and ran to the bathroom, locking himself in and texting Uchitel.

“She knows,” he wrote. “I’m going to be packing.” He told her it looked like divorce.

Nordegren was still yelling at Woods, demanding he come out. When he emerged minutes later, she swiped the cellphone, took one look at his last sent message — “divorce” — and exploded. She threw it at Woods, chipping his tooth. She pummeled his chest and scratched his face. He wrested himself away, and Nordegren reached for the nearest weapon — a golf club — and began chasing him.

>>>>>

By Dec. 11, 2009, two weeks after Woods’ accident, the number of known mistresses was up to 14. He lost endorsements with Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Accenture — the latter alone earning him between $10 million and $15 million a year. He announced he was taking a leave from golf and on Nov. 30, he pulled out of the Chevron World Challenge.

By the end of the month, Woods had entered rehab for sex addiction.

Nordegren used the time to renegotiate her prenup and mull her marriage. The day after the accident, Woods had reportedly told a friend that Nordegren had “gone ghetto” on him and that he needed to “run to Zales and get a Kobe special — a house on a finger,” referring to caught-cheating NBA star Kobe Bryant’s gift to his wife.

Woods’ golf game fell apart, and his career has never fully recovered. He now earns about $54 million in endorsements — half of what he made pre-scandal, Forbes says — and has not won a major tournament since.

Woods reportedly confessed to sleeping with 120 women, but sources close to Nordegren say she remained on the fence about leaving him until April 2010, when a 15th mistress was revealed. Her name was Raychel Coudriet. She was a daughter of the couple next door and first met Woods when she was only 14.

>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>

Now, I can already see the emails and comments below being written right now. "Geez, Czabe, way to pile on. Are you ever going to let it go? Why do you hate him so much? And on and on...."

I don't "hate" Tiger Woods, because I don't know him and he's never done anything to me and my family. But I do think he's a truly awful person, and with every low rent act ON the golf course he pulls these days, it only confirms why all of the above happened in the first place.

Plus, there are too many juicy details here, that I had never before seen or read, and the Post story bundles it all up in such a well constructed Tiger Scandal 101

He's a guy to whom the rules simply do not apply. At least not in his mind. He treats nearly everybody in his orbit shabbily, and I suspect Lindsay Vonn will be the next one to find out. 

"Oh, hurt your knee again? So sorry. I really wasn't looking forward to freezing my ass off in Sochi anyway, babe. So looks like I WILL enter the Honda Classic after all this February. Text me and let me know how it's going."

Lonely Island: Jack Sparrow

It's kinda embarrassing that I only saw this one today, for god's sake! Where have I been? Not like I don't know about the Lonely Island geniuses. Not like "J*** In My Pants" isn't my favorite song of all time (no, wait.... "I'm On A Boat" is even better).

So for everyone else out there who *thinks* they are "hip to the internets" and have seen what all the kids are talking about, but still find things here at Czabe.com that you never knew existed... well.. enjoy. It's another classic.

If Tony Soprano Ran The Dolphins, Here's How It Would Go Down

I think I've finally had it with this Jonathan Martin vs. Richie Incognito bullying case.

Took me a while. But the simmer has now blown my lid right off the pot.

It's not that Martin is a mommy-clinging-thumb-sucking soft-tard for how he tattled on Incognito.

Although he might be.

It's not that Incognito is a certified psychopath, almost certain to be arrested, broke, or both about 10 minutes after he's out of the NFL. Or that he went way way waaaay over the line with Martin in particular.

Although he might have.

No, what's enough to make you want to throw an oversized ashtray through Roger Goodell's glass-case collection of NFL mini-helmets is the fact that this thing is taking way too long untangle and put to bed.

Did you know, there are now TWO separate investigations?

Two. The NFL's and the NFLPA's.

Martin left the Dolphins on October 28th. Incognito was suspended November 3rd.

Thanksgiving is next week, and we aren't even a country fucking mile from wrapping this thing up and getting on with the business of high level, professional, tackle football.

And now the league's hand-picked ESPN mouthpieces like Mort and Shefter, are talking about.... sorry for yelling here but...... "WHAT PUNISHMENT GOODELL MIGHT IMPOSE WHEN THE TED WELLS REPORT IS FINISHED!"

Punishment from the league? Against the Dolphins?

They've been "punished" enough by how they handled this. They are down two starting lineman for the equivalent of a card game that went sideways and some dick jokes. The Dolphins basically flushed what was left of their season!

To channel my inner Jim Mora: "Punishments? Puh-puh-puh-PUNISHMENTS?"

But then again, this is what this league has become under Goodell: a thoroughly unlikeable corporate drone-hive of assholes in suits.

Oh, that, and they football on Sundays.

In 2013 it's all lawyers, lawsuits, and "special investigations." I almost yearn for the days when Goodell would take Spygate VCR tapes and throw them in his personal incinerator behind his desk, clip a team and a coach for quarter-million or two, and tell them to knock it the fuck off.

Done and done.

I yearn for the days of rogue owners that would threaten to do whatever the hell they wanted, and dared the league to say even lift an eyebrow. The "league" once existed to keep basic order amongst the separate franchises, run the draft, bang the TV networks for money and to set the schedule.

That's it.

If Al Davis wanted to drive the Raiders back and forth between Oakland and L.A. on every odd-numbered year, that was on him. Good luck, Al.

Bountygate was a case where the NFL essentially STOLE an entire possible championship season from Tom Benson, with a QB in his tender prime, defrauded a whole fan base with absurdly trumped up allegations - and Benson just took it all... LIKE A BITCH.

This league......

The Dolphins should have had this Martin thing handled in a week - tops.

It should have gone something like this.

Dolphins to NFL. "Stand down, we got this."
Dolphins to Martin. "Okay, kid what's the matter?"

If Martin says "talk to my lawyers" you tell him this: "Kid, we own your rights. You'll play for us, or nobody. Now tell us what happened, and what do you want us to do about it?"

If he says Incognito strong armed him for $15k for a Vegas trip he wanted no part of and rode his ass too hard in the locker-room, you tell Martin:

"Okay, kid. We're gonna make it right. Richie's gonna pay you back the $15k for Vegas, and another $15k for being an asshole. He's going to apologize to you, and apologize in public for getting a little carried away. You two hug like men, and the guys will only jump your ass when you are missing blocks."

If Incognito balks at this solution, remind him of the golf course groping lawsuit they swept under the rug, and ask him to think long and hard about how many other teams will want to sign him when the "full Richie file" gets accidentally emailed to Deadspin. "Ooops."

And if Martin doesn't want to play ball, and instead says he and his lawyer mommy are gonna sue the Dolphins, tell him: "Okay, bud. Nice career. Short, but nice. Good luck over the next 5-7 years, because that's how long it'll take. Even if we lose, we've written down more bad debt in one day than what your case will cost."

Then you re-instate Incognito, with a warning of "less asshole, more football" and we move on.

If Roger Goodell is all freaked out about what might come out, and insists that the league has some "vested interest" in helping do some "crisis management" in an intramural dispute of this low a magnitude, just ask him: "Hey, don't you have a tight end in jail for murder right now?"

Or perhaps "got those hand warmers all lined up for your corporate clowns at this year's Superbowl?"

But hey, I'm sure this thing will be wrapped by Christmas, and Ted Wells' thorough report will be available in a faux-leather bound reader on NFLShop.com.

Hallelujiah, holy shit, where's the Tylenol!

#endofrant

Snicky du Jour: Cindy Crawford

My god, doesn't she look stunning at 47?

Better yet, unlike that crazy narcissist Jennifer Aniston, Cindy is a rather rare bird in that you don't get new pics of her very often. She's a lay-low, I-Know-I'm-Still-Smokin'-Hot, mother of two.

And then she'll re-fill her little spending account with I'm sure a FAT 7-figure deal to pimp some anti-aging cream to women who will never look as good as Cindy - on her WORST day!

Good for her. And good for us, as these pics just shook loose from a recent magazine photo shoot.

Chi Chi Takes One (In) Near The "Fellas..."'

Step lively, Chi Chi!

The Most Comprehensive X's and O's Breakdown I've Ever Seen

Once upon a time, I routinely railed on the NFL for emargoing the vaunted "All-22" film that coaches look at to review plays and create game-plans.

In fact, the league once haughtily said this:

If you ask the league to see the footage that was taken from on high to show the entire field and what all 22 players did on every play, the response will be emphatic. "NO ONE gets that," NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy wrote in an email. This footage, added fellow league spokesman Greg Aiello, "is regarded at this point as proprietary NFL coaching information." 

The NFL says the league wasn't actually serious about releasing the footage. The survey was meant only to gauge fan interest, Aiello says. "There's not a product in development," he says. "This is a long way from becoming a reality, if ever."

Yeah. That was all the way back in.... 2011.

The "fear" from the football "establishment" was that us idiot couch monkeys would start jumping to incorrect conclusions about plays and players based on this "proprietary" secret fucking video formula to the NFL.

Like it's the recipe for Coca-Cola.

Please.

Instead, plenty of smart football minds who do NOT get paid $1 million to sit on a network set and say virtually nothing of value (I'm looking at YOU, Isotoner Boy!) now take this goldmine of video and prepare film prep breakdowns like THIS!

Read this awesome breakdown by Fran Duffy on the Redskins complicated "Zone-Read" scheme in advance of today's Eagles game and you WILL BE much smarter for it.

And yeah, I had to look him up. Who the f*** is Fran Duffy?

A former video coordinator for Temple football. Plenty smart to explain things to us masses about football concepts and trends.

And still hungry to make a name for himself.

All brought to you, absolutely FREE, thanks to Al Gore's internet.

Beautiful.

Obamacare In One Minute (or less!)

From the single best comprehensive read of this utter debacle anywhere....

"In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, it took about five minutes for liberals to cast the chaos and confusion of the disaster as a searing indictment of not just the Bush administration but of conservatism itself. Whatever the merits of that argument (and there are not many), Katrina was at least a surprise. The October 1 deadline for Obamacare was set by Obama’s own administration years ago — and it caught them completely off guard. The president may now claim that he knew nothing, but he must have wondered why Henry Chao, Healthcare.gov’s chief project manager, set the bar of success at sea level last March: “Let’s just make sure it’s not a Third World experience.” At this point, it could only be more of a Third World experience if Healthcare.gov required enrollees to pay with chickens."

Snicky du Jour: Priyanka Chopra

Or... better known as "The Hot Chick Who Opens NFL Network Thursday Games But They Make Extra Sure to Never Show Her Name Or Mention Her Anywhere."

I mean, are we THAT xenophobic as football fans that we can't promote an Indian smokeshow just because she's not 'Murican!?

I suppose that's what NFL Network thinks. Because the lengths to which they go to NOT mention her, is truly comical. Look, we're not all inbred rednecks who will shoot our TV screens like Elvis just because this gal 'ain't from Tennessee.



(Although I did now notice you can get Pri wearing EVERY one of the NFL's officially licensed jerseys here, which makes for a nice screensaver!)

We put up with that hack midget Cee Lo Green before her.

We can handle it. Put her name up there. Drop her a mention on the pre-game. Hell, bring her on the set one week!

You may hate the song (it's pop garbage, I concede) but let's not let this snicky go unappreciated.