Meanwhile Eli, who looks dopey on a good day, looked even more dopey while shuffling off the field with a Saw V caliber wound gracing his noggin.
Do you think they charged him for staining the new faux-carpet at the billion-dollar-plus stadium. "Hey, pick up that blood!"
FOOTNOTE: Somebody pointed out that Eli's forehead gash was reminiscent of another great Giants QB, Y.A. Tittle. Balder, and with less blood, but not a bad get.
Perhaps Woods would have been able to withstand this horrible year if there were an actual person behind all the ads. But there isn't. Athletes like Woods and LeBron James were raised to cultivate a brand identity, and when you're raised that way, your brand identity becomes your actual identity. There's no separating the two. Woods spent his entire life cultivating his image, and when that image was destroyed, he was destroyed. There was no actual person to fall back on. No separation of church and state.
When Tiger Woods had the image of being an indestructible force of nature, he was precisely that. He needed that reputation. It fed him. And now that it's gone, he has nowhere else to draw strength from. Tiger Woods built his perfection upon the illusion of it. And that's why, as far as major championships are concerned, Tiger Woods's career is now over.
REACT: Bullseye. The existential "who am I" and "why am I here" is core to any performer being excellent. Let's say you see a world class concert pianist perform at Carnegie Hall. You might not think he has much of an ego. You would be wrong. That guy believes he was born to play the piano on a stage like that, and it is what he lives for.
Same for Tiger. Only now, all of the logic and reasoning behind the "who" and "why" of Tiger Woods is tangled like fishing line in deep weeds. Maybe Tiger can un-sort it. Maybe he can find a "real person" to fall back on.
I apologize that the content production here at Czabe.com has been a bit, well, "pokey" as of late. I try to get a new post here every day. But well, things are all out of whack right now, and won't get lined up until September.
So hopefully, you can enjoy your dying weeks of summer, and bear with me.
I am working on the new show on Sporting News Radio (start date, still TBA. We think it'll be before the Thursday night NFL opener on the 10th).
I am also dealing with various vacations (my own, Scott Linn...) and thus can't get the "band" together much to do podcasts and Czabecasts.
Finally, I have been troubleshooting three vexing issues in my life.
A: What's wrong with my wife's mini-van? B: How come my home studio ISDN crapped out? C: How do I configure a new D-Link router?
Well....
A: An independent garage claims they have found the issue, but don't have the tools to fix it. Thus, I have to take their write up to a Honda dealer and say: "Um, do THIS, dummies!" Should be fun. And interesting. The second dealer I told you about that wanted to do 3k worth of work? Well, this mechanic said he didn't think ANY of that stuff was needed. Good to see honest car repair ethics in this day and age. (Chortle!)
B. My ISDN studio at home has been fixed, because - get this - Verizon says a "wire came loose" in their "Central Office" and crashed my data "loop." Well, thanks for the heads up, you asshats! I did a whole week on the phone with Bob and Brian, swapped out my Zephyr Express unit with the engineers at work - all because a FUCKING WIRE WAS LOOSE! Christ!
C. I think I've got a bead on the new router. But two hours into it, I perhaps have another 2 hours to go. You just never know. I think home networking and wireless networking is impossibly complex for even so-called "high level" home computer enthusiasts, much less your typical suburban house-mommy. The new router is a high end one that allows for "port prioritization" so that if I want to Skype some video to another location while broadcasting, I can get the router to give the Skype feed right of way on bandwith and keep crashes to a minimum. Or, that's what some geeks at MicroCenter told me. We shall see.
So in short, like my man above says: "Calm down, people!" I got a lot to figure out. And then we'll get cracking.
Dustin Johnson and his caddy deserve at least 51% of the blame on this one. His golf ball. His tournament. His responsibility.
But the other 49% is squarely on the PGA of America, for a variety of reasons.
Let's go through them.
1. It's one thing to have other player footprints in a trap. But people in a trap! Ridiculous. Lack of proper crowd control improperly disguised that area as a trap. With Watney irrelevant, the rules official should have been right there, making sure there was no confusion. While he may not ADVISE on course of action, an official is certainly allowed to offer unsolicited clarification. IE: "Hey, Dustin. Careful up there. Remember the bunker rule, you might be in one."
2. The PGA's adopted rule for the week, essentially boiled down to "any area that is sandy should be treated as a bunker." Johnson said as much afterward. If so, that's ridiculous. It means that "magic bunkers" can appear during the course of a week. A low area between mounds gets trampled by spectators. Rain washes it out a bit. Sand accumulates in a small area. Voila! One more bunker that Pete Dye didn't have to design himself, and did not "exist" when play began on Thursday. Illogical.
3. Why didn't the rules officials notify Johnson of his violation BEFORE he hit his pitch from beside the green? They were not obligated to do so, but certainly allowed. It would have been the equitable thing to do, since it may have changed his strategy. I have a theory on this. I think the rules officials "pocketed" that ruling, to see if two of the possible three outcomes would dictate that he let Johnson's transgression slide. If Johnson makes par, he wins, and the official makes a tepid inquiry after all the emotion dies down, says no foul, and it's a wrap. If Johnson makes double, he's out of the playoff, and you can bring it up without any hubbub. But if he makes bogey to get into a playoff, but not win, then they were stuck. Just my theory.
My main argument in favor of Johnson is this: I still don't think he was IN that bunker!
Yes, it was a bunker there. I admit that. Yes, he should have known the rules.
But, I think his ball was sitting on the equivalent of a "washout" of sand, which would NOT be considered part of the hazard. The back edge of that bunker was so trampled and destroyed by thousands of cheese eating 250 pound Packer fans, you simply couldn't tell where it started and where it ended.
And to me, the splotch of sand he was on, was an irregular little finger which almost certainly was not designed, nor would be maintained as such.
To my thinking, it should be incumbent on the PGA rules official to demonstrate with certainty that Johnson was IN that bunker, and not on a washout or spillover.
Just to say: "A bunker is here. Sand goes all the way down this hill to there. People have been treating it like a stolen rental car for a week. All of it is a bunker" creates a totally unenforceable and inequitable situation.
As e-mailer Lou Boezi put it succinctly: "The PGA rule presumed a recognizable but untidy bunker. Johnson's problem was that because of the spectators milling about the bunker simply was not recognizable."
The PGA had good intentions. They wanted to avoid a "this is a waste bunker, this one isn't" situation that screwed Stuart Appleby back in 2004. So they made them all bunkers.
But it's not that easy, and not that black and white. And somebody on the PGA rules staff should have said: "Hey look, fellas. We've got a number of bunkers here, that are essentially ruined. If somebody gets in one, we could have a problem."
That said, let me take a moment to thank Dustin Johnson for hitting the shot in the first place. Wow. Fucking... wowwwww!
I haven't come out of my chair watching golf on TV in at least 6 or 7 years. This shot did it for me.
The future of golf is here. They are 20-something, sickly talented, and hungry. And they don't get bent out of shape at losing a major.
It's like these guys think: "Eh. They have four of them every year. See you at the next one."
This portends poorly for Eldrick's summit assault on Mt. Nicklaus. While this swashbuckling style does not allow for singular dominance the likes with which Tiger achieved, there are enough of these young punks to form a nautical blockade on majors for some time to come.
So while the bulk of the golf world is still all lathered up over the ruling, the real story is this: The Tiger Woods Era, is over. He's not done. But the era, is over.
The media (especially TV types who feasted on Tiger during his amazing reign) are doing all they can to root him back into "form."
Not happening.
Tiger 2.0 (or are we on 3.0?) is going to be a Top-5 player who must fight mightily for those next 4 majors.
But the media are like the kid whose mom told them daddy "went out for a pack of cigarettes." Four years ago.
Daddy isn't coming back, Peter Kostis. And he didn't go out for cigarettes in the first place.
Time to embrace the new blood, and this year's Ryder Cup is going to be a thrilling coming out party.
Leave Tiger Woods off the Ryder Cup team. The world will not end. You will not be pelted with rocks and garbage.
And, it must be noted, it is crucial for your team's chances of winning.
The same Pavin who used to hit 228 yard 4-woods into the 18th green at the US Open on Sunday, or chip in for birdies from thick rough at the Ryder Cup as a player, needs to summon the guts to play the shot that needs to be played.
Leave him home.
You do this not to embarrass Tiger Woods, or to punish him. You do it because it's the right thing.
Every ounce of logic points to Tiger not being a captain's pick.
Here's how you say it.
Pavin (as written by Czabe):
"Look, I've given this a lot of consideration, and explained it to Tiger. The Ryder Cup selection process is a 'now' thing. How are you playing 'now.' Especially for captain's picks. This has no reflection on his talents, or his career. He's been the world's best player for the last 13 years, and when his career is over, he'll probably be the best ever.
But again, this is a now thing. Right now, he's not playing to form. He is, by our carefully designed points system, a bubble player. And bubble players need to be playing well going into the fall to merit selection. He's not playing well. He'll even tell you that.
Furthermore, he has played a very limited schedule due to changes in his life. This is how it should be. However, this is not a positive credential to be a captain's pick.
Lastly, because of all of this, he will be playing a limited amount of competitive rounds going into the Ryder Cup. This too, is far from ideal.
So in the end, I decided to make the tough call, and go with somebody else. I am sure some will criticize me for it, but when I signed up to be captain, I specifically signed up to absorb that kind of criticism.
I will always regret the poor timing of my captaincy, in which I was unable to have the world's #1 player on my team. But my responsibility is to the team, and our country in this exhibition, not to my resume or his."
"Any questions?"
There. Just say it, Corey. You can even cut and paste if you like. By the time the plane lands at Celtic Manor, all of the Tiger distractions will be long gone. If you choose the "easy" route now, then the hard part will arrive in force next month in Wales.
If you broke obvious statistical trends to put Tiger on the team, do you have the balls to bench him for at least one session, maybe two? He'd be terrible right now in alternate shot, so you'd be looking at a better-ball only captain's pick, plus singles. Which is typical of what captain's picks get.
But Tiger has never, ever, ever sat a Ryder Cup session, even when fatigue or format might have dictated otherwise.
If you feel obligated to bring him Corey, you'll feel just as obligated to ride him once he's there.
And do you really want the history books to show that you got scared into taking Tiger Woods, watched him go 0-4-1, and lost the Ryder Cup by a point?
Now put a good swing on this one, Corey, and hit the shot.
... then you should check out this little gem of a story from a small town called "Bell, California."
Yes, for a massive state, that is massively in debt up to its eyeballs, they still have "public servants" in piss ant little towns gaming the system to give themselves shockingly huge salaries to run nothing more than the equivalent of a municipal lemonade stands.
Robert Rizzo (insert Jerky Boys: "Yeah.. that's right... RIZZO!" sound effect) is the city manager for Bell, and he makes $787,000 per year.
When news of Rizzo's base salary of $787,000 broke, he arrogantly told a Los Angeles Times reporter: "If that's a number people choke on, maybe I'm in the wrong business. I could go into private business and make that money."
Sure you could, donkey. Go for it.
"Maybe I'm in the wrong business" he laments. Dude. You aren't even IN an actual business.
True "business" is when a company creates or provides a certain product or service. Then customers purchase said product or service of their own free economic will, providing (hopefully) a profit for the business and creating jobs along the way.
Then, the state confiscates a certain portion of that business' profits in the form of taxes - and the salaries of the employees of that business - to help PAY FOR donkeys like Robert Rizzo to be "City Manager" for sprawling Bell, California (pop. 38,000).
Ha, ha, good times, California. When people hear that I went to school at UC Santa Barbara and left the state to come back east, they often ask why.
This story, would be reason #1,089.
Not that small time government graft and corruption is eradicated in the other 49 states. It is not. But California is the worst. Followed closely by New York, Illinois and Massachusetts.
Which brings me in a roundabout way to Jets CB Darrelle Revis. As I am sure you know, he is holding out for a new contract, claiming he should be paid as the "best cover corner in football" which I think most neutral observers would agree, he is.
His current contract is a pretty good 6-year rookie deal, guaranteeing him $12 million over the life of it. He is currently (and I stress CURRENTLY) outperforming his salary.
What happens when Revis gets a new huge contract, and is then underperforming his salary? Can the Jets lock him out, and demand a reduction in his pay?
I know what you are saying: "Czabe, the Jets can always cut him if they want, and all they owe is the signing bonus portion of the deal. That's very unfair to the players!"
Yes, but CUTTING a player is a drastic "solution" to him just underperforming his deal. It denies the team the services of a player who might still be worth 60% or 70% of his current pay.
In many ways, it is not a solution at all.
It would be like Revis getting the deal he is asking for, but then being forced to retire! He'd have his money, but he couldn't play. Not much of a win-win.
I am sympathetic to guys like Revis, who are fabulous players that have extremely short earning windows during in a physically brutal and fickle sport.
Plus, Woody Johnson inherited his soap fortune from mommy, daddy, and the family tree. Screw him. Pay the guy! Especially with a new taxpayer assisted Jet/Giant Stadium that has PSL's only the City Manager from Bell, California could afford!
It is indeed a new and beautiful day in sports radioland.
I'm back.
After an 8 month hiatus from the nationally syndicated sports radio airwaves, I am back. And the boys are coming with me. Scotty, Solly, and the dearly departed Al are all back from the radio dead.
See? That wasn't so bad, was it?
Sporting News Radio, as a subsidiary of Mission Media Group of Scottsdale, Arizona, has hired me to host their morning drive shift from 6-9 a.m. from our Washington D.C. area studios.
Oh yeah, football season is going to be fun again kids.
I'd like to say that I just knew it all along. That I was certain this would happen within a year's time, and that the show was just "too good" to not get snapped up by somebody.
But I didn't know that. And I had to assume, that perhaps my run had simply ended.
You guys did have faith, however. Yes faith in me, with perhaps a splash of naivete in how ridiculously stupid the sports radio industry can be sometimes.
As you know, I don't preen at myself in the radio mirror much. I take sports seriously, not myself. I know I am good, but lately I have wondered if "good" really matters any more in our industry.
So when the programming genius at FSR decided 7 years of unmitigated success from me and the guys was all he could handle, I wasn't all that heartbroken. It's the business, what can you do? I did my best. I was proud of the show, and our run lasted a pretty good long while. So truth be told, I was looking for a new lifestyle, and some new opportunities.
Then, I got everybody's emails. That's when things changed.
It wasn't just the sheer volume of emails from you listeners, it was their staggering depth. I am talking about 1500-word-plus emails describing just what it was that made the show so meaningful to them.
You guys remembered a billion more details of segments we did, or moments we had, than I ever could.
The scope of people who wrote to me, was amazing. Age ranges all the way up to 80, and a surprising number of people who claimed they were not even sports fans in the least!
It certainly changed my mind a bit. This wasn't just about me losing a job. Millions of YOU were losing their ride-to-work buddies. It was truly traumatic to many of you.
I was even shocked by some industry calls I got as well. The great Steve Sabol of NFL Films called personally. As I had missed his original call, I returned his call on a break. It rang through to his assistant. I waited on hold. Then, the booming voice of NFL films came bursting through. "Czabe! What the HELL is going on down there!?"
He said he had heard they canceled the show, but just NEEDED to find out directly from the source. I had a chat that bordered on un-seemly manlove because of how much I admire Sabol's work and genius. He concluded the call, by saying matter of factly that I won't be off the air very long. It was very kind.
But I also thought: "Yeah, but what the hell does HE know? I work in this business! He doesn't!"
So as I settled in to being a morning sports radio consumer myself, I quickly began to appreciate how dreadful the national landscape is in that regard. The guy who replaced me is, well, how shall I put this: he's there... for now. And that's all I'm going to say.
And the two other guys on the Disney Sports Channel? Holy regurgitated sports facts, Batman!
I would listen and think: "Do these guys realize, that NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS when they are talking about sports?"
Which is my only core philosophy about the medium. Good sports radio, is a CONVERSATION. And the more honest, probing, funny, interesting, lively, and no-bullshit you can make that conversation, the better.
That's it. It's that simple.
When I broadcast, I just try to talk to my guys, and talk to the audience, and let the microphones melt away into nothing. Like they aren't even there.
So here we go again. I am so, so, so pumped for this chance. The fellas are equally charged up. They are my faithful engines of creative brilliance. And we're going to do all of what we did before, and then some.
As you may know, Sporting News Radio was once upon a time, One On One Sports Network based out of Chicago.
I got my national radio start there. I remember it like it was yesterday. I rolled into Chicago on August 12, 1994. The day of the F'ING BASEBALL STRIKE that would kill the World Series.
I didn't know a SINGLE PERSON in the city of 6 million. I was rooming temporarily with a friend of a friend I had never before met. My Honda Accord was stuffed to the ceiling with all the crap I owned and could drive in from my parents place in DC.
And it was raining.
Welcome to the big city, kid.
At the time, One On One Sports was the only real "network" doing 24/7 sports programming. ESPN Radio did nights and weekends, but hadn't yet ramped up fully into a round the clock deal.
Over the years, ESPN grew into the beast that it is, and then Fox Sports Radio appeared around 2000. One On One got marginalized a bit, and sold to Sporting News. I think it's fair to say, they became the 3rd horse in the national network race.
Recently, however, long time radio executive Clancy Woods got some investors together to purchase the radio portion of Sporting News. His clarity for the industry, and appreciation for talent is tremendous. I couldn't be luckier to work for a guy like this, because I know he "gets it" like you and I "get it."
This network is going to be a force. You can book that one.
Clancy likes to say that he is "distribution agnostic" about the network and its properties, of which I am now one. By this, he means he'd like to get the longform spoken word product out there in as many ways as possible.
Of course, terrestrial radio affiliates are primary, as is satellite radio, but other distribution channels are here and growing. Things like internet radio and direct audio streaming from websites like, well, www.sportingnewsradio.com.
I can't say for sure, where my show will be heard right away, but suffice to say I will be keeping you posted on all that stuff as I get my facts straight.
On satellite, a bizarre twist remains from the XM/Sirius merger. Apparently - and don't take my word for it, because I may be wrong - if you have an original XM receiver and buy the "Best of Sirius" package, you STILL can't get Sporting News Radio. However, if you have a Sirius package, you CAN get Sporting News Radio on Channel 127.
What does that mean for those of you like me, who have an Acura TL with a WELDED IN XM brand receiver? I don't know, but it doesn't look good right now. Maybe it means I'll have to buy a new car with Sirius installed, and one that doesn't have deer guts all up in its radiator.
I'll have to do more legwork on how and when you could get SNR on an XM unit.
If you have a Sirius receiver and kept it - like I said you should back in January - congrats. We'll see ya'll in September.
In the meantime, we hope to loop back and try to scoop up as many of our excellent market partners we had under the "old" mothership. And I'm talking Richmond, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, et al. We want you back. We're going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
I even hear rumblings that we might add the show in the DC market. It might just be scurrilous rumors, but then again it may be happening. Stay tuned on that one too.
Thanks again for your most genuine letters and thoughts, and bear with us as we get everything ramped up at our new home.
I'll say this. I almost feel sorry for him now. Almost.
Tiger Woods is in a world of hurt. That much is apparent if you look at his face. The eyes give it away. The eyes always do. They are the window to the soul.
Tiger, has a troubled soul.
Here, look at the following series of pictures. These are the eyes of man who is more than just unhappy with being "18 over par, when my handicap is supposed to be zero."
These are sad, sad eyes. You can see the sadness right through the action shots of him hitting his shots.
Pundits are scrambling to explain why a guy who has been Secretariat on a course like Firestone, could finish essentially DFL this past weekend, and look horrible while doing it.
The short and easy answer, is the one Tiger gave himself following Sunday's slapfest 77. "It's been a long year.... a very long year."
We know what he's saying, even though he won't say it.
But is that all it is? Is a pending 6-figure-plus divorce and shared custody of his two small children enough to render golf's Superman into Clark from accounting with a 5 handicap?
I say, no way. The problem runs deeper. Tiger has lost his "why?"
You know, as in "why" am I playing this stupid game. The existential "why?" The very same nuclear question I myself have grappled with as a golfer, and maybe you have too.
"Why?"
Think about it. "Why" does Tiger play golf? Before, the answers were straightforward and clear.
a. He's great at it. b. He loves to dominate. c. He's climbing Mt. Nicklaus d. He loves making money. e. He's doing it for the kids. f. He can be married to a blonde hottie. g. He can get lots of side action.
Now, every one of those reasons has been either totaled, or at least severely dented.
a. He's no longer so good at it. b. His peers no longer fear him. c. The summit of Mt. Nicklaus is shrouded in fierce storms. d. It will take years to earn back all the money he's about to surrender. e. His kids may end up not liking him very much. f. The blonde wife is gone. g. How are you going to get the same kind of side action now?
So if you ask me, I'm sorta impressed Tiger can even break 80 right now on a tough course. If you were in such a deep fog of "what am I doing, and why am I here" how would you handle it?
I think the enormity and finality of what Tiger did to his own world, has finally come crashing down upon him. For the first part of this golf season, he was able to suppress that.
No longer.
Thud. It's here. It's real. It's not going away. He's just gonna have to deal with it.
Somehow, Tiger Woods is going to have to come to peace with who he is now - and there are redeeming qualities beneath the churlish veneer - and who he wants to be going forward.
He has to find a new, and compelling "why" for playing this game at the highest of levels.
He'll also have to summon off of his legendary will, determination, and focus to get those last four majors in the ten years between now and age 45.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Here's a shocking photo I bet you thought you'd never see! Tiger Woods, teeing off on Sunday on the first tee, before a "friends and family" sized gallery.
Wow!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Also, CBS had a nice montage of just how all-over-the-place El Tigre was on Sunday. Let's see if the copyright department shoots this one out of the internet sky or not.
Soooo, here was a little Fourth of July fireworks show that happened near me last month. Good times at the ol' Monogamist Compound. That's how we do... holmes. Methinks topping it next year will be a challenge. Not that we won't try.
Here's some essentially raw footage of my guys who came out for the 2010 Potomac Cup qualifier at Lake Presidential. I didn't have the time or camera crews to make a slick production out of it, but you can at least get a sense of the caliber of play.
For full results, see www.potomac-cup.com.
Some really good players turned out, and the course was in fantastic condition. Thanks to Nathan Presnal and his staff for a great event.
Now, it is off to Rocky Gap Resort for the Finals on August 27-29.
It is fascinating, however, to witness firsthand the many ways in which he proves just what a BUM he is.
For example, yesterday at Skins camp, Big Al sat around with a playsheet, unable to practice because...
a. He's too fat to pass his conditioning test b. He claims his knee has an ouchy c. He really doesn't want to be here anyway d. He already cashed the $21 million bonus check
But guess what he DID find time to do! Talk to a pretty girl! Good job, doughbucket!
You can see here that Hannah Storm - looking FABULOUS "in the wild" I must say - had an exclusive 12.5 minute chat with Haynesworth after everyone else had left the field.
Why? About what? Because of why? Nobody knows.
Maybe Hannah was trying to BUTTER him up (pun, oh yeah, intended) for a future interview on "Sunday Conversation" on SportsCenter.
Maybe Al thought he had a shot at taking her home to his training camp dorm.
You never know.
Anyhow, Al looked at his happiest and most loquacious in these 12.5 minutes (I timed it). Then, when he finally lumbered up the hill to the main building, the assembled writers and broadcasters who haven't gotten more than 2 sentences out of this overpaid malcontent, got nothing yet again.
REPORTER #1: "Hey Al, how are you feeling, do you think you'll be able to practice this week?" AH: "Talk to Matt and Mike." (They were the two PR assistants tasked with escorting the big lard tanker into port.)
REPORTER #2: "Hey Al, are your teammates hoping to get you out there with them?" AH: "Talk to Matt and Mike."
And so it went.
I think we should have made Hannah do a press conference to spill whatever info she had on the unwilling Volunteer.
There is still time for a passed fitness test, accelerated practice, and appearances this pre-season, followed by a starting job come Week 1.
That's looking more like a fairy tale every day.
In the meantime, I hope Shanallenhan have a good exit strategy on this one. Because I think they are going to need it.
The next time somebody in government comes in front of the TV and tries to sell you a doomsday scenario, please remember the following statement.
Obama Spokesclown Robert Gibbs explained to reporters the astonishing report that 70% of the BP oil spill has vanished from the surface of the gulf already.
Already! And it's NOT EVEN LABOR DAY!
"I think it is fairly safe to say ... that many of the doomsday scenarios that we talked about and repeated a lot have not and will not come to fruition," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said at a briefing with NOAA's top scientist.
THAT'S RIGHT KIDS! The government and their experts were fucking wrong as rain - again! And this on something simple, like a leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.
(Note: The Mississippi river "spills" as many gallons of water into the Gulf as oil was leaked - EVERY THIRTY SECONDS! The gulf has roughly 643 QUADRILLION gallons of water in it.)
They have formulas, see? Magic scientific extrapolations with big numbers and complex jargon, okay? You are stupid, you sports radio guy. Shut up. You too, Mr. bus driver. What the hell do you people know?
Don't apply your common sense here. We've got degrees from big fancy universities.
They are absolutely sure that the earth is warming, and that in - try not to chortle milk through your face on this one - 50 years they will know just how many feet the oceans will rise due to manmade "warming."
They are wise. And smart. And care. And plan to tell you what freedoms you may enjoy, and what ones you may not.
REPEAT THIS FUCKING PHRASE!: "Many of the doomsday scenarios that we talked about and repeated a lot have not and will not come to fruition."
In case you wanted to know the reason why we're not going to run out of Gulf Shrimp because of this spill, here it is.
Much of the reasoning behind the disappearing oil has to do with the natural resilience of the Gulf, which is teeming with microbes that eat oil. On top of that is the natural tendency of oil in seawater to evaporate and dissolve to half its volume in about a week — something even critics acknowledge.
The federal calculations are based on direct measurements for only 18 million gallons of the oil spilled — the stuff burned and skimmed. The other numbers are "educated scientific guesses," said NOAA emergency response senior scientist Bill Lehr, an author of the report. That is because it is impossible to measure oil that is dispersed, he said.
Lesson of the day. The earth is one tough, resilient motherfucker. Of course we're going to treat her gently as possible. But we're not going to be ridiculous about it.
Mankind has built a miraculous and wonderful human paradise here on earth. (Except New Jersey). Its ugly in places, sure. There are scars, dents, and dings. But overall, we should be proud. We have gleaming cities, with technology that tames darkness, temperature extremes, wind, rain, snow, ice, and even insects.
We move freely over great distances, we associate freely. We create things. An alien creature landing on earth, would properly look around and think: "My god, you people MADE ALL OF THIS?"
Yes. Yes we did.
And we still have so many billion square miles of untamed, untouched land it's a joke.
Google Earth it, people.
And we're gonna mop up that remaining oil and wash all the stupid pelicans we can find. And we'll pay people to do it, and pay other people who were impacted.
And I pray to god we keep drilling all over the place for oil, gas, and other shit. Because this is not a big deal, people, no matter how many angry reports Anderson Cooper files in his mud boots on the beach.
With that in mind, I present to you, video footage of what some young Alabama punks are calling "The Longest Basketball Shot In History."
I do admit that the visceral image of seeing a ball hurled that far, hitting home for a DAGGER! swish, is quite satisfying. But given the sheer number of shots required, it loses quite a bit of its "wow" factor.
Given that a decent athlete can throw a ball from a perch like this, to within a 20 foot radius of the basket on a consistent basis, then you are pretty much reduced to just a game of numbers.
Enough hurls, and eventually you'll hit jackpot.
Whooopie.
This is not unlike other college kids practicing chip shots, or ping pong ball shots into beer cups, all over their disgusting dorm rooms in front of a camera until they can hit one and edit the tape and upload to YouTube.
So while this shot is "impressive" to watch, the accomplishment is utterly un-impressive.
If the guy walked up the stairs after fetching every shot, I'd be impressed.
If he sized up the shot, and hit it as one of two free throws, I'd be impressed.
You could drop a nickel into a shotglass from a helicopter with enough time, nickles, and helicopter fuel.
As for the monkeys and Shakespeare? Well, here's what Wikipedia says about that.
Even if the observable universe were filled with monkeys typing for all time, their total probability to produce a single instance of Hamlet would still be less than one in 10 to the power of 183,800. As Kittel and Kroemer put it, "The probability of Hamlet is therefore zero in any operational sense of an event…"
So there. But imagine the poo flinging in a room full of monkeys on typewriters getting frustrated over spelling Shakespearean english!
So how much longer is Mike Shanahan going to keep waiting for Albert Haynesworth to run 300 yards in under 71 seconds?
The comical daily reports of how slow Fat Al is, will quickly become tired. At some point, I think we need to concede Constanza’s Bluff and turn around before we reach the Hamptons and realize there is no “Prickly Pete” or “Snoopy.”
But let it be forever noted, that one of the most expensive football purchases ever made by our intrepid Beltbuckle Kid of an owner, couldn’t pass his conditioning test because he had to go potty.
Move over, Gus Frerotte and your concrete headbutt. Scoot down Michael Westbrook and your beatdown of Stephen Davis. Sorry, Jeff George and your “leadership is over-rated” quote.
We have a new all-timer in the clubhouse of ridiculous.
For those that don’t know the details of NFL “conditioning tests” it goes something like this.
Most teams use a 300 yard drill, where you sprint 25 yards and back, a total of 6 times. You then take a rest of 3.5 minutes, and do it again. Your benchmark time to beat depends on your position. For linemen like Al, it is 71 seconds on the first run, 73 on the second.
This is not hard.
For comparison sake, the - husky but long-since-retired from his D1 basketball stint at Tufts University - Dave Feldman, of Fox 5 here in DC, did the test on his first try Monday. Scored in the 60’s. Said he was huffin’. But passed. So did various other media members here in town.
One try.
He’s not in the NFL, and not making $40 million in guaranteed money.
So Haynesworth tries the first run, and barely breaks 71. Then he says he has to go to the bathroom. Some 10.5 minutes later, he comes back, and asks if he can now just do the second rep.
Shanahan: Nope.
He starts over, and fails miserably, walking the second leg of it. He tries again on Friday, fails. Decides to “rest” his legs (and sore knee, what a shock, eh?) on Saturday and Sunday. Tries again on Monday.
Fail.
This clown is a classic. “Can I go to the bathroom.”
This is the equivalent of saying: “The dog ate my conditioning test.”
So here we are, and there’s no telling when – if ever – Haynesworthless will pass. My gut instinct is that the Redskins are setting up a PUP-list type move, where they can then claim contract negligence and claw back some bonus in front of a sympathetic arbitrator.
Or, Shanahan – noted for being one grudge-holding-m-fer – might just let him fester until the day after final cuts, and then turn him loose, with few teams willing to jump into that hot mess just before they push off from shore on the NFL season.
Or, as my radio colleague Andy Pollin speculated: this too, is actually “marketing” by the team that never stops pumping the product. Marketing in that fans really WANT to punish Big Al, and they want to know that a no-bullshit sherriff is really, firmly, utterly in charge.
Hey, I’ve heard worse theories.
Because to me, this is a huge – albeit spectacularly funny – waste of time. Think about it. You have a player who is hated in the locker-room, ridiculed by fans, grossly out of shape, with a horseshit attitude, and is now way behind in learning the new scheme.
You gonna trust him on a big 3rd and 7 against the Dallas Cowboys on the road?
He’ll take two half-assed steps into a gap, lose his balance, fall down, and allow Marion Barber to go 74 yards up the middle for a TD.
No thanks. Let’s cut the strings to this parade float, and pretend it never, ever, ever happened.
Or, maybe there’s a fairy tale finish somewhere here, where Al passes the test, and works his way back into the starting lineup playing the hated 3-4 scheme. Team-mates accept him back, fans begrudgingly do as well, and it’s all just one big silly summer misunderstanding.
I'm not sure when the PGA of America decided to start using this moniker for their annual championship, but it seems like it was about 6-7 years ago.
At first, I found it groan-inducingly cheezy. "Glory's Last Shot." Eh.
But I think it's growing on me.
The PGA Championship has none of the familiar earmarks of the other 3 majors. Augusta has an annual "home course" that every golfer now knows like it was their own. The US Open has sadistic set-ups, and the prestige of being a "national" championship. The British has links-style golf, of course, plus all the years of history.
The PGA has... well.. um... things.
But that's unfair, because the PGA Championship has consistently delivered the most exciting finishes of any major. Perhaps it is because the course is set up hard, but not impossible.
Perhaps it is, because guys do go "all out" on the year's final major.
Whatever it is, I know this much, you guys in Wisconsin should be proud of the show Whistling Straits put on back in 2004. The course looked sensational to the rest of the country who had never seen or heard of it. And the crowds were off the hook.
Don't sleep on the event this year, even though I understand another PGA is coming in 2015 and the Ryder Cup in 2020. (I know, you've already got the babysitter lined up). I hope you golf fans to appreciate the fact that many of us in so-called "major markets" like DC and Philly either don't have a regular tour stop, or have to share an event.
Then, someday when you have a few pennies saved up and your game is as good as it's going to get, plunk down and play the place at least once in your life. It's beyond words.
Here was a little video log of my visit last spring - about 30 pounds of pizza and donuts around my waist - with good buddy Roger Derflinger from the DC area. We happened to get paired up with two nice chaps from Chicago who worked for - wait... BP! - and were originally from Scotland.
Talk about a perfect day!
Warm summer sun, that gave way to a little blanket of fog that covered us for about 2 holes on the front, giving way to a glorious afternoon of gentle breezes til sundown.
I own a 2005 Honda Odyssey Minivan. Yes, you can cue the "The Dad Life" rap in your head, I can't get that tune out of my mind since I saw it.
As a useful family vehicle, I like it fine. I don't get hung up on the whole "I'd rather get an SUV to be cool" thing as a family man. Look, when you are taking your kids to "the splash pad" it doesn't matter what you roll up in. You are still going to be smearing on sunscreen, popping Capri Sun's, and generally thinking to yourself: "I could be golfing right now."
So to me, I've always been a mini-van guy because simply, it's the right tool for the job.
Our Odyssey has wicked high miles on it, however. Something like 120k+. We've had it serviced regularly, and it hasn't been in any accidents, so I think it should be good until 200,000.
Plus: paid for. Cha-ching.
But recently, I noticed a bit too much play in the steering wheel, and the brakes cause the wheel to shimmy violently when you gently tap the brakes.
So I haul it to the dealer where I bought not just this van, but our previous Odyssey from. Service guy there replaces various brake parts, rotates tires, swears that the "tech" took it out for a drive, and it was good to go.
It wasn't.
I brought it back.
More efforting to fix it. They gave it back to me. Said they did more things to the breaks and what-not. Said it was good to go.
No. Even worse.
So I take the van to get a second opinion from another Honda dealer nearer my house. Here's what comes back. Mind you, I have not had any of this work done.. yet. I'm trying to puzzle out what's going on.
Dealer #1 says: We replaced all the brake pads and turned the rotors. Rotated and balanced tires, everything looks good to us.
Dealer #2 says:
2 Broken Engine Mounts ($900 each) 1 Cracked Engine Mount ($250) Leaking steering rack ($1075) Loose L/F inner tie rod ($245)
Oh yeah. Rear wiper blade was worn. Replaced: No charge. Thank you.
Now, here's my conundrum. What the hell is going on?
On the one hand, I would normally be suspicious that Dealer #2 is just trying to take me to the woodshed with a bunch of needless car surgery. However, the van is driving like crap. All of this sounds quite plausible.
But why would Dealer #1 actually perform a lot of brake job mojo (much of it for free, since I kept taking the car back to get it "right") and then just whistle and pretend everything was cool??
Also, how many more miles (round to the nearest 10, please) until my van's engine just falls to the pavement like dropped pop fly in shallow right?
And don't say "sell the car and get an SUV." I checked the Blue Book. My van isn't worth crap in GOOD condition, much less this way. Aside from these mechanical issues, the interior is in fine condition, and the Touring model (which I have) is all tricked with NAV, back-up camera, prox sensors, DVD entertainment, auto-doors and the like.
There's no way I'm getting rid of it. Even if I've gotta take in the face and spend another 2-3K getting it fixed.
Thanks for your manly advice, oh, manly men.
PS: I have a sneaky suspicion my wife is STUNT JUMPING this puppy at the State Fair when I'm out of town. THREE BROKEN mounts!? CRIKEY!
The kid is good, however. And here's the backstory on his name.
Kim, whose given name is Jun Min, was born in Seoul, Korea, but moved to the United States when he was less than a year old. He has been known as Lion since he started playing junior golf tournaments. It was a change Kim’s parents made to distinguish him from other junior golfers.
“My dad wanted to name my Lion because, number one, it's very easy to remember,” said Kim. “I'm sure my parents got the idea from Tiger Woods. But I know for a fact they didn't name me Lion Kim thinking I would be the next Tiger Woods. Trust me, they're smarter than that.”
REACT: Of course, Tiger has been re-named "Cheetah Woods" my some of my golfing buddies, so I guess all we are missing is "Wildebeast Jones", "Zebra Smith" and "Hyena Johnson" for the PGA Tour to become interesting again.
I believe, although my hearing is starting to fade after all these years in radio, that is what Chris Johnson calls his souped-up, sweet-ass hooptie of a vehicle.
"I call it, it id, what it id...."
Look. Chris Johnson is a fabulous athlete. He may also be a decent guy. But if you could write a cliche about the modern NFL player, would you include as many stereotypes in one guy as REALLY DO exist with the Titans star back?
I think not.
Why, they would call you a racist!
Gold teeth: check. Tattoos from goal-line-to-goal-line: check. Iced out watch and necklace: check. Pimped ride: check. Likes the club life: check. Unhappy with contract: check. Thinks he should be the league MVP: check. Biggest Goal: breaking individual record, not winning SB.
I mean, wow. That's a cartoon character! But hey, he's really really fast, and he piled up really insane numbers last year, and um... yeah. The Titans still didn't make the playoffs.
So how valuable were Johnson's rushing numbers anyway?
That's a good debate over summer beers. For the record, I think they were valuable, but perhaps not nearly as much as he - or his diamond encrusted 40-yard-dash-time might think.
When a running back has THREE touchdowns of 85 or more yards, that's amazing. But you don't call 85 yard TD runs in the huddle. To me, yards 10-85 are less important, because they may represent defensive breakdowns more than actual running back skill.
You run the football in the NFL with the goal of having every run go for at least 4 yards. Everything on top of that is gravy. Or luck.
If you back out the 75 yards after the initial 10 on those touchdowns, that's 225 yards or well over 10% of his season rushing total on 3 plays!
So does a 1780 yard running back on a non-playoff team deserve to be considered the "best back in football" or the MVP?
I'm not so sure.
But that necklace is dope, yo. Let's hope nobody ever posts a 4.1 at the combine!
I plugged in 100k for kicks - since isn't that the universal American dream, to make six-figures? - and found out that Joe Mauer makes that much money in basically 6 innings.
INNINGS!
Now before anybody gets all worked up, let it be known that I don't begrudge Mauer (or any other jock) their salaries. They have earned it fairly, under "market" conditions. I put "market" in quotes because as we know, professional sports are essentially closed markets, that often feature distorting dynamics.
I still think it's way too much. I still think pro sports leagues should think hard about enduring short term pain (lockouts, strikes) to whack labor costs more into line with business reality.
Sure, Mauer is a fabulous player. Likeable fella, hometown boy. STUD ballplayer. That said, I don't think it makes economic sense to pay him $184 million guaranteed over 8 years.
He's just one player, on a team sport that requires a full roster of guys doing their job to have success. You are telling me, that one guy is directly responsible for nearly $20 million in revenue to the club?
I just don't buy it.
Now, the on-line salary calculator for sports I would love to see (and hint, hint! Maybe the boys here at Smart Interactive Media could whip it up!) is one in which you type in your salary. Then type in the salary of Player X. Then type in either the a) fine he has been hit with by the league or b) the charitable donation he has given.
The result would be to translate what a new donated $120,000 wing to a school for Joe Mauer, would be like for you, Joey Punchclock making like $45,000 per year.
When you find out it's like Joey Punchclock buying an iPod touch ($250 or so) for his wife, then we won't go so gaga saying "Wow, that pro athlete is soooo generous! He bought a whole new wing of a school for those kids!"
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