Sometimes You Can't See Horror, Even When It Stares You In the Face

My favorite Tumblr Blog of all time, King Jong-Il, Looking at Things.

And of course, now we've got one for his dippy, murderous, tyrant son.

Dennis Rodman went over there recently to cash some easy HBO money for a "reality" show. Funny, because what North Korea shows the world is the FURTHEST thing from reality you could get.

I think it would be hilarious to lure Rodman BACK to North Korea for a follow up visit, and then revoke his visa once he's there.

It would be like locking your roomate out of the house in the middle of a snowstorm wearing nothing but pajamas and laughing your ass off as he bangs on the sliding glass door.

Only for Rodman, it might involve such fun like this!

>>>>>>>

He says that on the morning of 6.4.96 he was handcuffed, blindfolded and driven to an unknown place. He learned about his mother and brother and was interrogated about his knowledge and part in the plot. He had no information to give.

He was left in a small cell overnight and the next day taken to another room. Here he was stripped and his hands and feet tied.

He was suspended from the ceiling by his arms and legs while being questioned. A fire was kindled on the floor under his back. The pain made him scream and writhe. When he did this a torturer forced a hook into the skin in his pubic area so that he could not struggle. He fainted.

Mr Shin does not know for how long he was unconscious. He regained consciousness in a cell. He was in great pain, and he had urinated and defaecated. His wounds became infected. He became weaker and feverish. He says that the guards refused to enter his cell because he smelled so bad. They just pushed food through the door. There were no toilet facilities. He was then moved into a cell with another prisoner, an older man who had been there a long rime.

Mr Shin has described how this older male prisonerhelped him regain his strength and health and give him the will to live. He was in the cell for seven months. When he was taken from the cell he saw his father briefly and realised that he too had been tortured for the same reason. Mr Shin and his father were forced to watch his mother hanged and his brother killed by firing squad for attempting to escape.

Greatest Tryout, Ever.

You want to know when a sports league is so full of money, so full of it's own nonsense, and so utterly bored due to a lack of real threats to its existence (other than, of course concussion lawsuits, but the lawyers are cracking on that one, so what else do WE have to do these days?).

When it invites club soccer chicks to "try out" for the league. That's when.

Thankfully, the sports gods were NOT amused, and they smote down one Lauren Silberman with a vengeance.

Two kicks. 19 and 13 yards, then an injury.

Mind you, had Silberman played low-level football (say, NAIA) in college, and had some track record as a kicker, I would be somewhat charitable in this otherwise stupid attempt to be a gender warrior for the left in this country.

But no, she didn't just try out, she ran her mouth full of stupid.

Things like...

"I can kick a 60 yarder."

''I've always been an athlete, and I've always been a gamer,'' she said, her eyes tearing up. ''When I had the opportunity to be in the NFL, one of the world's most competitive leagues, I absolutely had to take the chance.''

"I was not aware that I was the first female registrant," she said in mid-February. "I was actually hoping that the 2012 historical milestone rule, to allow women to play, would prompt more women to attend tryouts this year."

''You know, the distance wasn't there, but hopefully the scouts will notice my technique,'' she said. ''It's not always length.''

''I would certainly be very, very excited and happy if I had the opportunity to try again,'' she said, ''but it's not up to me. It's up to the scouts.''

Go away, you annoying yenta.

Given that a woman's leg strength will struggle be equal to or greater than that of a comparable man, she would have to employ some incredible kicking-auto-matic-a technique to NEVER miss a kick under say 40 yards. And even then, you would need to carry a second kicker on the roster for long attempts and kickoffs...

... wait, holy shit! They tricked me! I am actually giving this notion TWO FUCKING SECONDS OF THOUGHT! God, I am idiot.

Here I fixed it........

"A WOMAN will never play in the NFL, because there is not now, nor will there ever be, a shortage of athletically skilled MEN who are lining up to play in the NFL, and each and every one of them will have a genetic advantage that is so significant it will render any female version of an NFL player inherently INFERIOR upon first contact."

Too bad I don't have a vagina or a pony-tail, maybe the NFL would invite me. But I guess a bald 44 year old radio host with PVC goalposts in his backyard and CAN actually kick a 35 yarder isn't much of  a "story".

Now for your enjoyment, two better ideas than Laura Silberman: Club soccer chick as NFL kicker.

Stop Everything You Are Doing, And Watch This. Now.

Remember, Sarah Palin Was The One "Too Stupid" To Be "One Heartbeat Away"

Joe Biden, national treasure.

Never has a useless moron been higher on the government totem poll than this guy, the Delaware Dunce.

He's been offering up one piece of bad gun advice after another this week in support of an "assault weapons" ban. Both piece of advice, mind you, might get YOU arrested.

I don't own any guns right now. But I think the time has never been more ripe. If nothing else, I'll do it just to piss him and everyone else off who just don't get what the 2nd Amendment is all about.

/click-click
/lock-n-load

Snicky du Jour: Kristen Bell

Bell is expecting a child now, so let's all give her a hearty fake "congratulations" while simultaneously hoping she bounces back to fighting shape in short order.

The Little Ones Always Take It The Hardest

This week Kansas beat back a furious effort by Iowa State in overtime 108-96 for Bill Self's 500th win.

There were horrible, horrible calls that went against Iowa State.

So bad, in fact, the Big 12 publicly rebuked the refs involved.

There were tears. The tears of Cyclone coach Fred Hoiberg's young son, in the arms of his mother.

Awwww.

Buck up, kid. Overall, you have a great life!

Why NFL Helmets Will Never Be Concussion Proof

It's all about deceleration. How quick your brain goes from 20 miles per hour, to zero. Or, even negative 5 mph.

Not that we shouldn't try to make better helmets. But this article does a good job explaining the limits of polyurethane.

The problem is ultimately one of physics. All helmets work under the same principle. The force striking one’s head--acceleration mixed with mass--can’t actually be prevented. Physics says that energy has to go somewhere, right? What good helmets do is lengthen the duration of the impact itself (in the hundredths of a second range), reverberating energy through various structures and materials, to smooth a hit from a sharp, high-g strike to a relatively smooth curve of deceleration. Consider landing on a concrete floor or a pile of pillows. Which impact takes longer and which impact hurts more? 

“I think that it’s true that football helmets are 85% as good as they’re ever going to get,” Dr. Timothy Gay, University of Nebraska physics professor, writer, and industry helmet consultant tells me. “The optimal football helmet won’t be much better than the helmet you can buy right now because there are just physics restraints on the kind of padding you can use. We have a pretty good micro, nanotechnological understanding of how materials work. And basically, there are limits on what padding materials can do for a given thickness.”

Then of course, you have the "let's remove the facemasks" crowd. In theory, this would change the way players tackle, because a high percentage of BROKEN FACES would ensue.

Which would be like trying to bring down average speeds on the highway by OUTLAWING SEAT BELTS, so that way most people would drive a LITTLE slower thinking "holy shit, I don't have a seatbelt, maybe I should slow down."

Yeah, it'll kill a lot more people, but eventually it would bring down speeds.

The only real "solution" to helmet-to-helmet hits in the NFL, is to even further legislate against what are "armless tackles."

It won't sit well with the public, but it's the only way to prevent using that polyurethane warhead as a weapon.

Smell It.... Ewwww...

So apparently, THIS exists.

Damn, I am hopelessly out of it, when there are awesome songs like this from hip-hop artists I have never heard of, that I am only just now learning about.

Awesome.

Then there's Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman doing a COVER of this very same song!

Epic!

This, now... THIS... is what the internet was made for.

/high fives Al Gore

We're Doomed

When your government says it absolutely, positively, cannot find a harmless 2.2% of "fat" to trim from it's massive and ever growing "budget".... well.... assume the "tuck" position, people.

Poll: Combine Conundrum

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Rest In Peace, Oh Mighty Kegasus

The greatest BAD mascot in the history of sports, has gone to neverworld.

Kegasus: 2011-2013. RIP.

Invented as a way to lure back drunken 20-somethings to a muddy, filthy, infield-of-iniquity, ol' Kegasus' commandment to "Be Legendary" did not manage to move the needle on attendance.

"Legendariness includes being conscious, remembering what one has done and exercising what each and every human being and animal in instilled with, which is common sense," Kegasus said this week in the grassy infield at Pimlico. 

His costume has wheels on the hind legs. They didn't roll on grass, so he had to drag his ample hind quarters along. "If I may say so, baby got back," he said.

Still, such an awful concept, now IS indeed, "legendary."

We shall never forget you, Kegasus.

We shall also never forget this video clip of the Porta-Potty-Suicide-Run.

Talk about legendary!

Video: Daytona 500 History Montage

Ah yes, the good ol' days of racing on the beach, flying out of the speedway, and fistfights on the backstretch.

Snicky du Jour: Diane Lane

Man, she IS lovely for late 40's, no? But then again, somebody was steadily getting sick of her crap, day by day. And that guy was the impossibly handsome and square jawed Josh Brolin. Who might have been the bigger prick in the marriage anyway, so let's not judge. Let's just enjoy.

"Team Player" My Ass

Tom Brady's new contract extension is bullshit.

Pure bullshit.

Three-for-twenty-seven, huh? Nine mil per? For Tom Brady. THE Tom Brady?

That's easily HALF the going-rate for top-tier QB's in this league, and I don't give a shit if you say "but he'll be FORTY" by end of the contract.

So what? 40 is the new 30 in this NFL, where star players are tacitly permitted to gobble HGH under-the-radar in order to return to the field in medically impossible time frames.

Playing QB is getting easier in this league, and Tom Brady doesn't exactly take a pounding back there. Aside from a rebuilt knee (which doesn't seem to give him any problems) and a cranky shoulder at times, he's in near mint condition.

His "software" for playing the position, and the game, is in the top 1% of the 1% to ever play.

He'll be fucking GREAT at 40. Watch. Bet me.

And he won't be playing for a piddling $9 million, when by that time QB salaries could start tickling $30 million a year.

Of course he won't. This deal will be ripped up, re-worked or somehow "wink-winked" as part of a future "Personal Services" deal with the team.

To which you might be saying: "Yeah, so what, Czabe?'

So what? So fucking what?

My team, the Redskins, tried to do something SMART last off-season too, by bulldozing a bunch of awful free-agent salary cap money into the burial pit of the "un-capped" year. And we got HAMMERED for it by this lawless league, and the commish!!!

Where is the NFL now, to come in and say... "Whoa... hold on! We know Brady wants to retire a Patriot. We know his wife makes a lot of money too. We know he wants to give the team cap room to sign an elite deep threat WR like Greg Jennings. But... uh uh. No sir. You can't give the team a fake 50% discount on future years, JUST TO CIRCUMVENT THE SALARY CAP!"

Where are you, Goodell? Oh, that's right. Sitting in Bob Kraft's fucking lap. Never mind.

The NFL and the owners are amazing in how they now try to shame and leverage the BEST PLAYERS IN THE LEAGUE, their star faces, the QUARTERBACKS, into taking LESS MONEY for the mythical "good of the team" or the salary cap.

If I were a QB I would simply say: "Hey, managing the cap is on you. I deserve prevailing rates for my talents. Period."

While it's true that in America, you can work for a jillion-dollars-a-year, or build outhouses for the poor for free if you want. And I would agree, Tom Brady is never ever ever going to be hard up for cash.

But this deal is nothing but shameless salary cap manipulation.

And if we're going to have a league of RULES, and if the salary cap is a significant part of managing your team, then by gum if I see Tom Brady playing football at age 39, his paycheck better not add up to one fucking penny more than $9 million even.

Great league.

/rant = over.

Snicky du Jour: Sarah Shahi

There's likely no reason whatsoever to go see the new Sly Stallone flick "Bullet to the Head" unless you just want to see one of the top-100 box office "bombs" of all time.

Currently, it's #92, having opened to a paltry $4.5 million, which was worse than Kazaam.

Need I say more?

But wait.... whoa, who is this chick in the tattoos (fake)?

Say hello to Sarah Shahi, a delectable mix of Iranian-Spanish parents, who grew up in good ol' Texas.

She's been a few things so far, and while the white trash tatt-girl look here is not her best, just google up some other pics to see her looking even more smokin' hot.

Can she act? Hell if I know. Do I care?

Jimmy Johnson Knows How to Pimp His Sponsor

So while everyone is certainly "concerned" about the recovery of the fans who were plunked by a 200 pound tire and strafed with assorted racing shrapnel in that Nationwide Race on Saturday - two of the 14 people most seriously injured are in the Halifax hospital in critical, but thankfully stable condition, one them is a child - let's not let this get in the way of a quick shout out to the best damn home improvement store in the world!



Jimmy... take it away!

We Saw Your Boobs!

Since Jimmy Johnson winning another damn NASCAR race and Matt Kuchar another million dollar PGA Tour event doesn't excite even their own accountants.... let's talk Oscars for a hot second.

Boobs!

Seth Macfarlane is wicked awesome talented (as Peter Griffin would say) and when he mates that evil genius to his equally nimble musical prowess to write stupid little "ditty" songs like the one to open the Oscars tonite,  it is... pure.. gold!

In case you missed it... here goes.... (listen before the Oscar stormtroopers have it pulled from my soundcloud feed!)....

And damn if he's not right. Kate Winslet just loves to let the "girls" out for us to see. You go, girl.

Kate Winslet Various Sex Scenes by actresslove999

It was also great to see Macfarlane throw some comedic haymakers. Like this...

Just be glad Hollywood stuffed shirts, that was Macfarlane set on about "7" on a scale of 1-10 of purely, insanely, awesomely offensive!

Top 10 Rejected Ski Tourism Slogans

To everyone who just LOVES their skiing, don't take this personally.

Good for you!

Yeaaaahhhh... skiing!

Hell, I am skiing right now with my family, so what does that say? That I was forced at bayonet-point by my wife and kids to strap on the ol' Rossignol's (do they make them anymore?) for some hap-hap-happy-wintertime-fun?

No, I was not. I am here in Vermont (particular resort name withheld due to lack of promotional considerations to this popular website) at my own free will.

And by "free will" I mean that my 10 year old daughter would simply never leave me alone again if we didn't do this because she's too young yet to realize that skiing gets increasingly boring and dangerous as you age.

So as I was sitting on a chairlift, watching my big toes slowly "code out" to frostbite, contemplating this "exhilarating" outdoor winter activity, I imagined all the very true slogans the ski industry would never, ever, ever want to get out there to people who don't yet ski, but have been thinking about it.

Here's my Top 10.

10. Lift Lines: The Most Boring Place on Earth
9. Sure, That 8 Month Knee Rehab Was Totally Worth Getting 3 Feet of Air
8. Name Anybody Famous That Ever Died Skiing, Besides Sonny Bono, Natasha Richardson, and That Idiot Kennedy Kid. Go Ahead, I Dare You. Yeah, That's What I Thought.
7. Skiing: You Will Be Cold
6. Skiing: Nope, The Boots Still Suck
5. Skiing: Fun For The Whole Family (Just, Not Yours)
4. With A Hot Young Girlfriend, It's Not Bad. But Then Again, Doing Anything Else With Her Is Totally Awesome.
3. Skiing: More Flaps, Buckles, Straps, Hooks, Loops, and Clamps Then You Will Ever Know
2. Skiing: Oh Yeah, It's Slightly Expensive.
1. Skiing: Seriously, F*** The Slopes And Just Drink in Front of The Fireplace

Poll: All-Star Weekend Spice

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Snicky du Jour: Keira Knightly

If you like..

a. Skinny
b. Pale
c. British

then this is your girl! Luckily, I do too....