Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Johnny Miller Must Get Tongue Cancer and Die

Okay. I take that back.

Just tongue cancer, where he loses his tongue, and then leads a long and prosperous life.

What. What?

I can't wish that? Not on anybody?

Oohhhh... Fine. I hope he doesn't get cancer. Of any kind.

But I sure wish that his bosses at NBC wake up and realize that his fan base consists of a few TV critics who don't know a dimple from a divot about golf, and the fellow NBC announcers who sniff his jock – probably out of pure fear that their own employment hinges on kissing his bitter old man ass.

Seriously. Who likes this guy? And why?

He is, in short, a RUINER. A guy who RUINS the otherwise sublime enjoyment of watching your favorite sport on TV. I put Miller in the same category as Dick Vitale, and Chris Berman. These guys RUIN events.

What makes Miller so awful? Let's count the ways.

1.He's old, bitter, and increasingly irrelevant.

He had 3 good – okay, great - years. They were 74, 75 and 76. After that, he won twice a year only one time, 1981. He's got 25 tour wins, made two Ryder Cups.

His two signature wins were majors, US Open in '73 where he shot 63 on Sunday (go ahead, ask him about it, he'll be glad to chat about it. No really, go ahead...) and the British Open in 1976 where he shot 66 on Sunday.

Not to discredit his career, but the pure stats of it are nothing extraordinary. To wit...

He's got the same number of majors as Hubert Green, Dave Stockton, Lee Janzen, and Mark O'Meara just to cherry pick a few “hey-how-bout-that” list.

His mere two Ryder Cups is one fewer than this incredible list with 3 (and counting in some cases): Chad Campbell, Chip Beck, Lou Graham, Jay Haas, Jeff Maggert, and J.C. Snead.

Yeah, at his peak, he was awesome. But a complete blackout in his ability to make simple 3 footers cut short what should have been a longer career. You know Miller is still bitter about it. And so he lashes out by way of the 18th tower.

Every time Miller points out that somebody is a “choker” it's his own self-loathing on display. Takes one, to know one. And for some reason, critics seem to laud this indiscriminate and often inaccurate willingness to say somebody choked.

2.He Won't …. Shut..... The..... Hell..... Up!

Any GOOD announcer doing sports on TV, knows when to LAY OUT and let a moment breathe, or let the pictures tell the story.

Miller does neither. He tramples every good moment of tension with endless babble from his A.D.D. Brain.

At times Miller sounded like the annoying kid in the Kobe-LeBron commercials.

“Hey, Roger, is that ball in the bunker.. I think he hit it a little fat.. how come Tiger's aiming over there... I don't know if we'll get this round finished... how hard is #10 here at Bethpage... I wouldn't use a long putter if I was Sergio....”


3.He's Quite Often Wrong

It's okay for an analyst to be wrong. But you should aim to wrong as little as possible. That doesn't mean stripping your commentary of opinion, but rather making sure that when you say something you strongly believe, if you end up dead fucking wrong, it devalues your credibility.

Also, it helps to admit you were DFW when things turn against you. Don't just say, “hey I call 'em like I see 'em.” Actually say, “wow, I really missed that one.”

Johnny will just throw all kinds of divots at the wall during a round of golf, and if one of them sticks, he acts even more insufferably. Just like how he essentially “out-guessed” Al Roker on Saturday's weather.

In sum, he makes watching the US Open almost unbearable. I know literally NOBODY who plays golf who LIKES him. And I wonder how old and bitter he has to be before NBC realizes that ratings won't dip a bit if they replace him.

Ken Venturi held the 18th tower position for CBS for years. He was a joy to listen to during a tournament. He was humble, insightful, and never made the broadcast about himself.

I miss him more than ever.

Johnny Miller can simply suck it.


  1. but he uses words like 'pronation' and 'supination'. Only an expert uses such terms.

  2. Don't bother reading his book I Call The Shots. I checked it out at the library and returned it without finishing it as it was filled with errors like:

    Here is just a small sampling:

    1. When Miller talks about the "Tiger Slam," he gets the tournaments wrong AND the years wrong.

    2. On one page he states that Tiger is "a very good putter, but not a great putter." Then, on a later page he states that "Tiger is a fabulous putter." Well, which is it, Johnny?

    3. Miller states that Tom Watson won six British Opens, when in fact he won five. He states that Hale Irwin won two U.S. Opens, when in fact he won three.

    4. Here is my favorite one of all: Miller exalts in the fact that his U.S. Open record score of 63 at Oakmont in 1973 "has stood up for more than 40 years." That's mighty impressive, Johnny, especially considering the fact that 40 years from 1973 is 2013.

    In other words, junk.

  3. Maybe he's trying to educate me on proper swing technique but the ridiculously technical nuances he speaks about when a shot went slightly awry drive me up the f-ing wall. Oh his left wrist slightly torqued and oh look his right heel isn't properly aligned with his spine angle and the club face was slightly.... blah f-ing blah, he hit a piss poor shot, a general reason why would suffice, not a ludicrously analytical and scientific explanation. I've been playing golf for a long time and half the time I don't even know what the f he is talking about after a shank... Maybe he didn't keep his head down for the love of christ.

    He's an arrogant and bitter (because he can't play a lick anymore, even with the old farts, some who never did jack on the regular tour, winning on the senior tour) washed up hack.

    A local sports radio guy used to refer to him as the best tv analyst alive... good god

  4. And here I thought I was alone in my preference to mute the golf broadcast rather than listen to the blather of one Johnnie Miller.... I figured I was just missing something... of course when Joe Thiesman did Sunday Night Football, I did the same thing... Thanks for affirming my view on Mr. Miller, Czabe, and hopefully, others will voice the same opinion.

  5. I can't stand the way that he is so negative. He is constantly looking at a 25 ft putt and saying "well, this is a really easy putt." And then when the guy lips it out, Miller immediately tells you what he did wrong in kind of a snarky tone - "he pulled it" or "it was left edge all the way, he just misread it". He is always telling you how a guy screwed up, like it was the simplest thing to do. He rarely compliments anyone. I agree completely with Czaban - Miller is a RUINER.

  6. And I thought that it was just me! I am not a golfer, but I enjoy watching the majors on TV and take my dad to a tournament or two every year. Saturday and Sunday I tried...I really tried...to watch the US Open, but between Johnny Miller's non-stop yammering and the guy in the truck holding onto a shot for 5 seconds made me change the channel after less than an hour both days.

    Maybe the weather conditions has something to do with it, but I got dizzy switching from green-fairway-green-tee-bunker-fairway-tee-rough-green-fairway-tee-green. Would it have been so bad to linger for a few more seconds...maybe tell the story a bit? Also, I know that the leaders are the story, but it seemed like there were only 8 golfers in the tournament based on the coverage.

  7. Hello Friends,

    As an award winning announcer I pledge to only use the phrase "chunking it" when referring to a night of hogging and not describing a golf shot.

    Also "chunk and run" is the male equivalent of the walk of shame.


    Jim Nantz

  8. I have to admit that I was a fan of his commentary in the past, but he has become a grating presence as of late. Czabe is right on the mark with the ADD and not being able to just stop talking for a moment and let the action play out. He was one of the few that would be critical and honest about players, their chances in a tourney, etc. and not the guy that just kisses Tiger & Phil's ass and notes how they are "not out of it" yet even though they are 12 shots behind on Sunday. Now though, he seems to be critical just for the sake of it, stream endlessly about bullshit, and maybe is nervous with Peter Jacobsen in the booth, that his time could be limited? Jake is too optimistic and rosy (another Tiger jock sniffer) but has all the qualities you need for a top analyst. The NBC crew is my favorite followed by CBS then ESPN, but Miller needs to either tone it down or step aside.

  9. Also, what was with his use of the word "skank" over and over during the US Open? "That was a seriously skanky shot Dan." Really Johnny, did it service "the great" Stevie Williams behind the green while everyone was watching Tiger putt?

  10. Czabe...I agree with you 99% of the time and think you are best broadcaster hitting these air waves. You are DEAD WRONG on Miller. He is PHENOMENAL and I am a HUGE golf fan! I watch all the tournaments, play once a week and am a 6 handicapp. He calls it better than ANYONE!! He knows the courses, the shots, the lies, greens...you name it...he knows it. He knows EXACTLY what he is talking about and love the fact he tells it the way it is...CZABE...you are wrong...shame on you!!

  11. Steve, I don't watch golf too often, but when my Dad's over, I humor him in HD. 'Cause that's the kind of son I am...

    Now to my REAL topic:
    Your "Battlin' churches" photo strip today is funny, but obviously faked. Check out the backgrounds of each. The camera must have been on a tripod for the entire length of this epic "battle." Taken at the same time each day in perfect weather each time, no cars moved at all behind them. Nothing's changed in any photo except the verbiage on the signs.

  12. Nice post - tongue cancer pictures ..Keep Posting

    tongue cancer pictures