God, somedays I just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and cry over the fact I can't think or write stuff as funny as the guys in the Onion.
But then, I realize that this is ALL THEY DO for a living, and there are long stretches of days where they don't really write anything remotely funny.
But hey, we all have our batting averages in life, right?
I am just glad that The Onion does produce periodic gems like this one.
All Sports To Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing To Talk About
Here's a money graph, but please cruise by the Onion website to give them some traffic love on the web counter, and perhaps some encouragement to keep it comin'.
NEW YORK—Expressing regret that joyless, wrongheaded ESPN commentator and attack journalist Skip Bayless could not be dealt with otherwise, commissioners from every major professional sporting league, top officials of amateur athletic associations, and representatives of player unions reached an agreement Wednesday to end the practice of competitive sports in order to forever deprive Bayless of any subject matter.
Only, I am afraid even THAT would not stop the scourge of Skip Bayless.
His existence on ESPN has always bothered me in a profound way. It is not that I find myself disagreeing with him alot. It is that his opinions are wafer thin on substance or originality, and delivered in a way that makes you just want to punch him.
I believe that the very currency of a TV sports pundit is the quality of his opinions. The quality, of them. Not the quantity, or volume.
His opinion currency is as fake as a wad of pink bills from a monopoly game.
Look, I'm not perfect in this regard myself. I have offered half-baked ideas, thinly sourced theories, and horribly biased rants.
But I at least strive to present some original thinking, when possible. I strive to buttress what I think, with a decent framework of logic. I'll even dig hard to find some numbers to back it all up.
And I always try to deliver such opinions with a very healthy dose of self-effacement and humor.
I also admit when I am wrong. (See ALT. E. Andrews Theory)
Skip Bayless is an empty conduit for ESPN show producers to pour the prevailing "counter" opinion on any given argument. And he seems more than happy to let it come spurting out of his mouth.
Hey, it's a living. What else is gonna do now that he's out of the newspaper business?
Surely, many of the things Bayless says, cannot be what he truly feels. They just can't.
I contrast Bayless with a guy like Jason Whitlock. I can pretty much count on vehemently disagreeing with him 50% of the time. But respect that Whitlock's opinions are purely his own.
And he comes at issues from obtuse angles that actually make me think, most of the time. And he surely doesn't give a crap about being PC or making friends.
All of which, is exactly why he and ESPN had their falling out years ago, and will likely never be in business together again.
But yeah, I would like to see all sports shut 'er down for a day or two, just to see what Bayless would say then.
Something tells, me, he would still be able to ramble on about how this is a "good thing" for sports, and that it could be the "wave of the future."