The $1 Man

This guy Goodell is un-fucking-believable kids, isn't he?

Just when you thought the barrell-chested, skull-inflated, red-headed spokesdummy for the NFL couldn't get or sound any stupider, he does.

In an effort to show the entire football world what a swell guy he is, Goodell said on Wednesday that he would voluntarily reduce his "salary" to $1 if there is any stoppage in games due to the lockout.

Well, la-dee-frickin'-da, as the late Chris Farley might say.

That's some real hardship, there, Roger. You gonna take a job at Kinko's to make ends meet?

Seriously, though, where does this guy get his public relations instincts? Lindsay Lohan's mother? If I was him, the last thing in the world I would do - short of locking my office door from the outside while fining James Harrison and dropping a few n-bombs - is alert anybody who doesn't already know it, THAT I MAKE $10 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR!

And I am sure that is without a bunch of "bonuses" for "performance" that are about as certain to happen with this money making machine called the NFL as the sun coming up on a cow's ass in the barnyard.

"Congrats, Roger! The Super Bowl was a sellout. Again! You are a fucking genius! Here, have another million dollars!"

Do most people know that this guy is a complete NOBODY?! Do they know?

Do people know that if the owners woke up one day and said: "You know what, I bet a monkey could run this league" old Roger would be seriously shit-out-of-luck finding anything more than a managers job at Appleby's.

Here's Goodell's extensive "business" resume, courtesy of the Wiki.

From intern to COO

Goodell's career in the NFL began in 1982 as an administrative intern in the league office in New York under then-Commissioner Pete Rozelle – a position secured through an extensive letter-writing campaign to the league office and each of its then 28 teams. In 1983, he joined the New York Jets as an intern, but returned to the league office in 1984 as an assistant in the public relations department.

In 1987, Goodell was appointed assistant to the president of the American Football Conference (Lamar Hunt), and under the tutelage of Commissioner Paul Tagliabue filled a variety of football and business operations roles, culminating with his appointment as the NFL's Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer in December 2001.

That's it, kids. You too can go from intern to COO, just write some letters to a big billion dollar conglomerate, be open to absorbing some "tutelage" and be ready to perform "a variety of roles."

If Goodell gets shitcanned tomorrow, I can assure you the collective boards of the Fortune 500 aren't going to be tripping on their dicks to get the phone to call this guy.

He's done nothing. He knows nothing. And he makes $10 million a year.

If you want to know why players hate this guy's guts, just look up how many players in this league make more than $10 million a year.

In 2009-10, a total of two running backs made more than 10 mil. (MJD and Brandon Jacobs, oddly enough).

Running backs!

You know, the psychopaths who endure the equivalent of 20 or more violent car crashes every week until their knees give out in a quivering pile of twisted tendons and cartilage.

Goodell makes more than almost all of them, just sitting on his ass in New York firing off memos about how much the league cares about player safety.

Fuck him.

You tell me the league can't get a really great CEO from another company, with a real resume, who would gladly take this CEO job for just $1 million per year, if for nothing else the tits-sweet sideline access 24/7?

Of course you could!

You could have a parade of successful CEO's who just want to ease into retirement with a little 4 year term standing at the wheelhouse of this league that CANNOT BE FUCKING SUNK, waving at the pretty girls in bikinis floating by.

And I bet you, those CEO's would tell these dipshit owners - especially the old farts who won their team in a factory game of poker sometime around WWII and are now sitting on literally, Fort Fucking Knox! - "Hey fellas. You're printing money. Don't make any sharp moves here, and let's just figure out how we can charge an extra $50 a year on Sunday Ticket and call it a day!"

But no. The owners have their monkey, and they are telling him to dance!

God, now I am almost wishing for this all to go horribly, horribly wrong for the owners. I'd even take a whole year off, with no Super Bowl, to watch Goodell's idiocy end up burning down a huge chunk of the owner's financial house.

"Ooops. Didn't think the players could stick together like that. Sorry. We'll get 'em next year!"

Of course, I'm dreaming here. Antonio Cromartie reminded me that even if the NFLPA has a full 85% of its members stocked up on bottled water and driving reasonable family vehicles for a long labor showdown, all it takes is the Albert Haynesworth led 15% to fuck it all up for everybody.

A $1 salary, eh boss? I think you finally found your true market value.