Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The $1 Man

This guy Goodell is un-fucking-believable kids, isn't he?

Just when you thought the barrell-chested, skull-inflated, red-headed spokesdummy for the NFL couldn't get or sound any stupider, he does.

In an effort to show the entire football world what a swell guy he is, Goodell said on Wednesday that he would voluntarily reduce his "salary" to $1 if there is any stoppage in games due to the lockout.

Well, la-dee-frickin'-da, as the late Chris Farley might say.

That's some real hardship, there, Roger. You gonna take a job at Kinko's to make ends meet?

Seriously, though, where does this guy get his public relations instincts? Lindsay Lohan's mother? If I was him, the last thing in the world I would do - short of locking my office door from the outside while fining James Harrison and dropping a few n-bombs - is alert anybody who doesn't already know it, THAT I MAKE $10 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR!

And I am sure that is without a bunch of "bonuses" for "performance" that are about as certain to happen with this money making machine called the NFL as the sun coming up on a cow's ass in the barnyard.

"Congrats, Roger! The Super Bowl was a sellout. Again! You are a fucking genius! Here, have another million dollars!"

Do most people know that this guy is a complete NOBODY?! Do they know?

Do people know that if the owners woke up one day and said: "You know what, I bet a monkey could run this league" old Roger would be seriously shit-out-of-luck finding anything more than a managers job at Appleby's.

Here's Goodell's extensive "business" resume, courtesy of the Wiki.
From intern to COO

Goodell's career in the NFL began in 1982 as an administrative intern in the league office in New York under then-Commissioner Pete Rozelle – a position secured through an extensive letter-writing campaign to the league office and each of its then 28 teams. In 1983, he joined the New York Jets as an intern, but returned to the league office in 1984 as an assistant in the public relations department.

In 1987, Goodell was appointed assistant to the president of the American Football Conference (Lamar Hunt), and under the tutelage of Commissioner Paul Tagliabue filled a variety of football and business operations roles, culminating with his appointment as the NFL's Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer in December 2001.
That's it, kids. You too can go from intern to COO, just write some letters to a big billion dollar conglomerate, be open to absorbing some "tutelage" and be ready to perform "a variety of roles."

If Goodell gets shitcanned tomorrow, I can assure you the collective boards of the Fortune 500 aren't going to be tripping on their dicks to get the phone to call this guy.

He's done nothing. He knows nothing. And he makes $10 million a year.

If you want to know why players hate this guy's guts, just look up how many players in this league make more than $10 million a year.

In 2009-10, a total of two running backs made more than 10 mil. (MJD and Brandon Jacobs, oddly enough).

Running backs!

You know, the psychopaths who endure the equivalent of 20 or more violent car crashes every week until their knees give out in a quivering pile of twisted tendons and cartilage.

Goodell makes more than almost all of them, just sitting on his ass in New York firing off memos about how much the league cares about player safety.

Fuck him.

You tell me the league can't get a really great CEO from another company, with a real resume, who would gladly take this CEO job for just $1 million per year, if for nothing else the tits-sweet sideline access 24/7?

Of course you could!

You could have a parade of successful CEO's who just want to ease into retirement with a little 4 year term standing at the wheelhouse of this league that CANNOT BE FUCKING SUNK, waving at the pretty girls in bikinis floating by.

And I bet you, those CEO's would tell these dipshit owners - especially the old farts who won their team in a factory game of poker sometime around WWII and are now sitting on literally, Fort Fucking Knox! - "Hey fellas. You're printing money. Don't make any sharp moves here, and let's just figure out how we can charge an extra $50 a year on Sunday Ticket and call it a day!"

But no. The owners have their monkey, and they are telling him to dance!

God, now I am almost wishing for this all to go horribly, horribly wrong for the owners. I'd even take a whole year off, with no Super Bowl, to watch Goodell's idiocy end up burning down a huge chunk of the owner's financial house.

"Ooops. Didn't think the players could stick together like that. Sorry. We'll get 'em next year!"

Of course, I'm dreaming here. Antonio Cromartie reminded me that even if the NFLPA has a full 85% of its members stocked up on bottled water and driving reasonable family vehicles for a long labor showdown, all it takes is the Albert Haynesworth led 15% to fuck it all up for everybody.

A $1 salary, eh boss? I think you finally found your true market value.


  1. Awesome, Czabe. Goodell truly is clueless. Looks like the only other job he's qualified for is congressman.

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  3. You left out another interesting tidbit...He's the son of a US Senator. The intern to commish rise could be interesting, maybe even admirable, if he was some average schmoe who was persistent, kind of like Bud Fox. But he is just another member of the privileged good old boys club.

  4. Wow - ease up on the sugar-coating there Czabe and let us know how you really feel about Goodell!

    Actually, your comments on him (over the years but especially here in this nice concise little blog post) are hilariously accurate and once again leaves me wondering how much of a chump guys like you and me are who bust our ass for a living when Goodell the uber-chimp can make a cool 10 mill a year doing the equivalent of a kid role playing fanatasy wish-fulfillment as the imaginary boss of an imaginary company. The most interesting question with Goodell is not how much "good" he can do for the league but whether or not his incomptency is potent enough to do any damage to this ironclad money press of a sports league.

    I work as a labor relations analyst for a large employer (about 85% of our workforce is unionized) and am involved in everything from employee discipline to collectively bargaining our wage scale and benefit packages every 3-4 years. And I have to say, I would go seriously ape shit if I was faced with the prospect of defending his widely inconsistent "league penatlies" that he comes up with by shaking that magic 8 ball he keep in his desk drawer. League discipline is not subject to appeal under the NFL's current CBA, but with every action he takes in this area, he's just handling the NFLPA another exhibit to include in their sure to be upcoming proposal that league discipline should be subject to grievance arbitration - and who can blame them? Whatever conduct standards he operates off of are the rough equivalent of "whatever Roger feels like today" and his range of panalties are as random as a dart casually tossed at a dart board. What kind of employee would feel secure working for a boss that operates like that? And his strange fixation on European expansion and the 18-game season are ill-timed, poorly though out, and completely at odds with what both players and fans really want to see.

    With Rog, it's not a question of whether he can "improve on perfection", but whether he can "sink the unsinkable". If anyone has a shot at cracking the shield, it's old Rog.

    Way to tell it like it is Czabe.

  5. I come back to this site every day, even though much of the time there is nothing new posted - and despite features such as the "12 days of Czaban" giveaway (or whatever it was called). But today, upon seeing this column, I am reminded why it is worth checking in every day. You really nailed it. P.S. Please find a way to get back on the air in Harrisburg, PA.

  6. I agree that Roger makes too much money, but that is not going to bother most NFL fans for one simple reason. Most fans think that everyone involved with the NFL makes too damned much money. Wealth envy will never fail. The players think the owners make too much. The owners think the players make too much. And the fans think they both make too much.

  7. Hey Sal M. - Good point.

    I looked up that Senator because I had never heard of him (because, as a Goodell, he was also a nonentity). Senator Goodell got his job only by appointment in the wake of the assassination of Robert Kennedy. He promptly lost the next election. His inconsistent, chameleon-like and unprincipled record earned him the label as "the Christine Jorgensen of the Republican Party." (Christine Jorgensen was the first known recipient of a sex-change operation). Sounds like a good description of Goodell's disciplinary policy.

  8. No argument on Goodell, Czabe, but how about some 'Love' for DeMaurice Smith who has vowed to take 68 CENTS a year if they DO have an agreement by the Super Bowl. Pretty brave, Mr. Smith, considering YOU would have to approve it and slit your own financial throat in the process. Like THAT's gonna ever happen.

    Talk about "Stupider".

    As for hiring someone at $1M, Czabe. That's chump change for a bona fide CEO who, BTW, is actually going to want to wield power and run things, sideline benefits notwithstanding. The first time the NFL owners told a guy like that to "Jump, Froggy", the answer isn't gonna be "High high?", it's gonna be "Take your measly $1 Mil and shove it. I can easily do better."

    BUT, at TEN Million a year, the answer IS more likely to be "How high?".

  9. One minor quibble: he will certainly get "work" if the NFL ever jettisons him - those vaunted boards of directors of Fortune 500 companies are usually yes-men, and he's all over that.

    Unfortunately, the fan's probably gonna get screwed over either in higher costs or work stoppage/scabs. All just for owners who are so business savvy they couldn't figure out how much stadium to build so it would cash flow positive. And players who can't figure the first thing about personal finance due to not beening required to add 2+2 since grade school.

  10. Czabe, just got home and had Marketplace(from American Public Media) on NPR(your favorite). They had a good story about this kind of scam. Lee Iacocca apparently worked this deal back in the day with Chrysler. Congressional tax laws prohibit CEOish types from taking no salary(I think that's the way they put it), but he apparently turned his $1.00 salary into something like a $20 million dollar bonus(from what NPR said, I think. That's $20 million in 1986). Anyway check it out.

  11. Awesome blog Czabe! Who is Goodell thinking this gesture will help - the Owners? Yea, I'm sure they will be hurting if there is a lockout.

  12. Awesome piece. I loved it. Could not believe this dope makes $10 million a year. You did forget to mention the proposed regular season games and possible team in Europe B.S. that good ole Rodge drifted out there, not to mention the one game a year in jolly ole England.

    I too would like to see him replaced by a monkey, better yet, a chimp!! that does back-flips!!!

    I also want to see you give some un-sugar coated love to "D" for "Dumbass" Smith of the NFLPA. Waiting impatiently.

  13. Impressive, I'm guessing Goddell won't be on the show next week in Dallas?

  14. Ironically enough, the ownership that "won" its team at a poker table is probably one of the most reasonable of the bunch. Dan Rooney openly questioned the need for 18 games. Maybe he can get a hall pass from his day job for a few weeks so he can sit at the table and bring some sanity to the negotiations.

  15. I'm with you Czabe. There is a reason you're the best guy on the radio and it's because you don't kiss ass like Cowher, M&M, and so on. I'm still lost between 10AM and 1PM Mountain Time (replay on XM).

  16. Leave Goodell alone. Married to hot former Fox News Reader - Jane Skinner.