Russian Bears Are 1. Coachable and 2. Tough as Shit

What better way to start the weekend, than with some awesome viral bear videos from Russia?

Enjoy.

Awesome LeBron, Pathetic LeBron

This is why you would think LeBron would be even more popular than Michael Jordan. His skillset and athleticism is insanely off the charts.

Then this is why you quickly realize you still can't fully "buy into" the guy yet, or ever. He's a flopping bitch.

C'mon, King James. This stuff is beneath you.

Snicky du Jour: Amy Duncan

The "Big Fundamental" is so utterly OFF the national sports radar most of the time, I too was shocked to even hear about his wife, until news broke last week that the Duncans are soon to be splitsville.

Sorry about that Timmy, but you'll survive. In the meantime, I'll let my vicious pack dogs below assess your ex's "Snicky" factor. They can be pretty harsh, I know that first hand! (/deletes future Miley Cyrus glamor post).

"Best Money I Ever Spent!"

So last week - to my horror - a big ass tree decided to commit suicide right on my precious field of dreams, Yohoonye Field.

Oh sure, I could have (probably) sawed this thing up myself. Rolled the heaviest logs off my precious football field and stacked them to the side. But we're talking a good 8-10 backbreaking, sweaty, dangerous personal "man hours" involved.

Instead, called in the pros.

Four grizzled sawmen, backed by the utterly awesome might of a machine that laughs at logs thicker than your legs, made quick work. Forty-five minutes to be exact.

Did I feel ripped off? Hardly! I sat on my golf cart, sipped a diet coke and took pictures. Didn't even break a sweat.

Best money ever spent.

So.... what was your "best money I ever spent" moment in life?

Poll: Kim Kardashian's Post Baby Prospects

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Punk Kid Superstar Drives His Ferrari Too Fast. Wow, Shocking.

Okay, The Beebs needs a beatin'. We can agree on that.

But before this whole Keyshawn-Bieber Fued gets out of hand, let's recall a truly horrific story of a neighborhood speed bump gone wrong in my neck of the woods a few years back.

Stephen Carr, 48, was tired of people speeding through his Fairfax County, Virginia neighborhood. But unlike the rest of us, he didn't just cuss and throw rocks at the offending drivers. He went through the arduous process of getting a speed bump installed... 

This pissed off no small number of drivers in the suburban D.C. community, where they take their commuting and road rage very seriously. People would often honk in anger as they hit the bump installed in front of Carr's home. 

But David A. Patton, 44, took it worse than most. In June, as Carr was pulling out of his driveway, Patton stopped to confront him. Patton banged on his windows and reached into the car to grab Carr's arm.

Next thing you know... Patton is getting hit with a misdemeanor assault charge. He's still pissed off about the speed bump. And he decides to do what Doug Llewelyn always warned us NOT to do: "take the law into your own hands."

Spoiler alert. The dude staged a home invasion, tied up the speed bump guy and his girlfriend. Then shot him to death.

Ta da!

So in others words, everybody chill, before this gets nutty.

Snickies du Jour: Texan Girls In Uniform

Cheerleaders in the uniforms of our armed services?

Oh my.

My peenie just went "woink..."

So Go Ahead, You Make the Call

This photo perfectly illustrates how freakishly athletic the modern NBA has become. What was this play? Foul on Bosh? Offensive foul on Stephenson? Soon-to-be foul/good block by the flying Wade?

I mean, really. LOOK at this photo.

Every play last night, there was contact. Every play it seemed, somebody was falling down. The current generation of NBA players are incredibly adept at subtle moves to initiate and imitate fouls. Forget "flopping". They don't need that. A simple arm grab, stumble, lean-in, or nudge will do the trick.

The game is nearly un-ref-able.

Unless you are cool with 60 free throw nights, and 3 guys getting fouled out in the 3rd quarter.

I don't have any good answer, but I know the answer is NOT more replay. If ever a "system" was failing on design, it is the NBA's use of video. Selective. Limited. And often, still wrong. (See Ray Allen out of bounds call).

Today's players jump through the roof. They CONTEST the living shit out of every shot, every drive, every inch of floor space. In a desperate game like Game 4, when players really put their full athletic "oomph" into the game on every possession, it's a spectacular freak show.

But I don't know how you call it. If nothing else, let's not dole out ticky tack technicals, and pay attention when an OBVIOUS 24 second shot clock violation call is botched.

Oh, and for all of you old white dudes (older and whiter than me, that is!) who still want to insist Pistol Pete could "play in today's NBA no problem".... well, here's some action shots of what "defense" looked like back in the day.

Right.

Now run along.

Poll: What's Wrong With NASCAR

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Tiger, Lindsay and the Cubs Go Jet Skiing!

Looks like a fun Memorial Day weekend outing! Anybody care to speculate about what they ate afterward? Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm?? I thought so.

Believe It Or Not, Redskins Season Tickets Are Still Readily Available

You might think that with the first NFC East title in 13 years, a quarterback with the #1 selling jersey in the NFL, combined with a trimming of seats at Jack Kent Cooke's hastily constructed and largely charmless colossus in the heart of PG county, that the Redskins would be fresh out of seats for this coming season.

You would be wrong.

TO: Czabe
FROM: Mike Enos 

Czabe, 

I have never signed up for Redskins Season tickets...ever, but today I got a cold call (Translated below via Google Voice). Last year I took my kids to the Redskins fan day at training camp, and made the mistake of "registering" online, so I assume that's where they got my phone number.

"Hi Mike, This is XXXX with the Washington Redskins. I'm calling to congratulate you. Her name is finally made it to the top of our season ticket we left. You are now eligible to purchase 2013 season tickets that this is something that's still interested or if you haveany questions please give me a call back at (301) 276-6033. Thank you." 

Anyway, I guess their "huge" backlog of season ticket requests ain't what it used to be...

The "waiting list" myth has been blown completely out of the water by now. It's a "marketing" or "target" list, at best. That said, the "season tickets" currently available are pretty crappy seats, in the team's defense. So they are grinding to fill up the upper reaches of that place, not the bulk of the season seats.

But at this point... I wonder if FedEx Field will EVER be truly "sold out" like the olden, golden days of RFK? I mean, are we talking back-to-back Super Bowls before the cold calls to people who sign up for a Redskins t-shirt contest end?

I don't know the answer. I know that this guy (/Gruden voice) is pretty damn sweet.

The "Pidgeon of Paloma"

Whoa. Dude. That.... was... close.

/eats sunflowers seed
/craps on car hood

Snicky du Jour: Instagrammed Playmates

Okay, so I don't know why exactly these seem "extra" sexy, but they do. I suppose it's because these capture elite level hotness "in the wild" so to speak. Plus, any picture of a chick self-cell-phone-pic'ing herself in the mirror, is pure gold. Wonder if there's website out there with nothing BUT those kind of shots.... ahh.. never mind. The wife's coming. Shhh.

"Through the peril.... uh... hum, hum, hum, dum hum hum..."

Recently Canadien singer Alexis Normand butchered our national anthem at a minor league hockey game. No big deal. It happens.

Except she really train wrecked that sucker! Move over Dr. Richard Kimble!

Normand got a second chance to perform on last Tuesday night — but it was just the Canadian anthem this time. She hesitated when asked if she’d ever try again to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” in an arena setting. 

“I don’t know,” Normand said. “I’d have to think about. I know I can do it, but it would be kind of a head game.”

Yeah, if that's your "can't do attitude" then perhaps it's best you stick to "Oh Canada" with all of it's rolling odes to hockey, Molson, and curling.

Deadspin.com had an interesting - if perhaps less than "scientific" - assessment of exactly where sports event anthem singers derail on our national anthem.

As it turns out, pretty much anything in the first half of the anthem is fuckupable, although only one poor guy (in the very worst rendition we could find) screwed up the first line. If you made it to "And the rockets' red glare" you were in great shape, and if you got as far as "That our flag was still there" you were in the clear (with another horrible exception, shown above). The danger zone seems to be a pair of lines in the middle: O'er the ramparts we watched / Were so gallantly streaming? 

These lines are tough for a few reasons. First, as everyone learns in Intro Psych, it's harder to remember stuff that's in the middle of a sequence than it is to remember stuff at the beginning or end. Second, the structure of this whole section is poetically jumbled (easier to understand:"Whose broad stripes and bright stars / were so gallantly streaming / through the perilous fight / o'er the ramparts we watched?") Finally, Google Ngram tells us that o'er, rampart, andgallant themselves have kind of fallen out of favor since this poem was written in 1814, more so than any other words in the anthem. Words that Americans haven't used much in the last two centuries can be tricky to remember.

I know I would probably jacknife the anthem if you put a gun to my head. But at least when it's played in the stadium, I stand proudly, shut the hell up, and don't bellow out "red" or "ooooh!" like a jackass.

Whitewashing The Rigged NBA Lottery Evidence

Oh, you just knew it was only a matter of time before this happened.

The damning evidence of how the NBA ensured Patrick Ewing landed in New York in 1985, has been scrubbed from YouTube. Because of course, it is such valuable, profitable, proprietary sports television content from almost 30 years ago.

This was Bill Simmons best work, back when he was less afraid to rattle cages....

Just in case they pull down the clip between the time we post this blog and the time you read this, here's what happens: when an accountant from Ernst & Whinney throws the seven envelopes into the glass drum, he bangs the fourth one against the side of the drum to create a creased corner (we'll explain why this is relevant in a second). Then he pulls a handle and turns the drum around a couple of times to "mix" the envelopes up. At the 5:23 mark of the clip, Stern heads over to the drum, unlocks it and awkwardly reaches inside for the first envelope (the No. 1 pick). He grabs three envelopes that are bunched together, pretends not to look (although he does) and flips the three envelopes so the one on the bottom ends up in his hand. 

Then he pulls that envelope out at the 5:32 mark ... and, of course, it's the Knicks envelope. 

Now ... 

A reader named Greg K. from Fair Lawn, N.J. (I'd give you his whole name, but I don't want him to be randomly found dead in his bathtub tonight), pointed this out to me: If you look closely right at the 5:31 mark, right as the commish yanks that Knicks envelope out, there's a noticeable crease in the corner of the envelope. You can see it for a split-second -- as he pulls the envelope up, it's on the corner that's pointing toward the bottom of the jar. 

There's a giant crease! It's right there! The same one the accountant created as he was throwing the envelopes into the drum! 

So you're telling me that, out of the seven envelopes in that glass drum, during a lottery when the NBA desperately needed the most ballyhooed college center in 15 years to save the league's marquee franchise, the commissioner coincidentally pulled out the envelope with a giant crease in the corner that happened to have the Knicks logo in it? This is the Zapruder film of sports tapes, isn't it?

Yes, Bill. It really IS the Zapruder Film of sports. But now, it's gone. If anybody has a new link, let us know. It really shows you just how SENSITIVE the league is to this particular criticism of that foggy June night in 1985, doesn't it?

Just Me and My Adult Idiot Golfing Buddies

In case you were curious how we do things, here's a re-cap of the weekend. No, I still can't believe I won, and can't believe that for once in my life I was, indisputably "clutch."

You put this victory next to my last (and only other) golf tournament win - the 1985 PG County Jr. Amatuer - and I'd say you have a pretty good career, no?

Jason Collins, The Magical Gay Elf Basketball Player

Kudos to openly gay writer Bret Easton Ellis who slammed the media coverage of NBA scrub Jason Collins' and his "heroic" act of coming out....

Was I the only gay man of a certain demo who experienced a flicker of annoyance in the way the media treated Jason Collins as some kind of baby panda who needed to be honored and praised and consoled and—yes—infantilized by his coming out on the cover of Sports Illustrated? Within the tyrannical homophobia of the sports world, that any man would come out as gay (let alone a black man) is not only an LGBT triumph but also a triumph for pranksters everywhere who thrilled to the idea that what should be considered just another neutral fact that is nobody’s business was instead a shock heard around the world, one that added another jolt of transparency to an increasingly transparent planet. It was an undeniable moment and also extremely cool. Jason Collins is the future. But the subsequent fawning over Collins simply stating he is gay still seemed to me, as another gay man, like a new kind of victimization. (George Stephanopoulos interviewed him so tenderly, it was as if he was talking to a six-year-old boy.) In another five years hopefully this won’t matter, but for now we’re trapped in the times we live in. The reign of The Gay Man as Magical Elf, who whenever he comes out appears before us as some kind of saintly E.T. whose sole purpose is to be put in the position of reminding us only about Tolerance and Our Own Prejudices and To Feel Good About Ourselves and to be a symbol instead of just being a gay dude, is—lamentably—still in media play.

Of course, the media sucking up to Collins, and the cause in general, continues in full force. ESPN boss John Skipper went as far as to issue another apology for Chris Broussard's personal opinion - based on his faith - about homosexuality.

“I think we did great other than we made one mistake: The mistake was not being more careful with Chris Broussard, and there is a collective responsibility there. Chris Broussard’s job was to come on and talk about the news of the league, how the league was representing it, and through a series of events he made personal comments which was a mistake. 

[...] We don’t quarrel with his right to have any personal point of view, although we do assert as a company that we have a tolerant point of view, we are a diverse company, and that does not represent what our company thinks.”

Yes, of course. Fully tolerant. Of everybody who agrees with them. Got it.

Gone Golfin'....

The National GC, Talamore GC. Southern Pines, NC.

Here's a video re-cap of our 2010 event. Sadly, we had to "limp" to just 12 guys this year. I want it back at a full 24 next year.

So if this looks fun to you, hit me up early on in 2014. We could always use some new blood!

Snicky du Jour: Nicole Curtis

So I'm watching HGTV or DIY or one of those idiotic "home improvement" channels, and I come across this gal. Okay, kinda snicky. But wait, whoa. She can actually swing a hammer! Re-wire electrical. Lay down some hardwood floors.

She actually seems to WORK HER ASS OFF re-habbing homes. Respect.

Granted, she would probably have no time to deal with your dumb ass - nor cook dinnner for you - after a long day stripping down lead paint on a 1920's Victorian.

But, she could certainly replace her own lightbulbs. And then some. I think she's kinda hot, in a handygirl kinda way.

Dead Giveaway

And here I thought "Smash Smash Smash!" was my absolute, all time, no question about it FAV-O-RITE viral video turned pop-hit sensation.

Well, I was wrong.

The f'ing GENIUSES at Schmoyoho! have done it again.

Keep doing the Lord's work, boys.

/wipes tear from eye

Snicky du Jour: Jill Wagner

Every now and then, a network exec overthinks things. For example, smokeshow B-list actress Jill Wagner was perfect on "Wipeout!"

Then they tried to get somebody "better."

Yeah, sure. I've already forgotten her name.

Great move. Now Jill's back. The world is right again. Enjoy.

Poll: Hockey Fan Hell

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It's Political Correctness vs. Sexism! Which Will Win?

Oh, how I love it when two nonsense forces collide in modern, hypersensitive society.

So in case you didn't know, a very hot little number named Susannah Collins slipped up (we think) and said "sex" instead of "success" while doing a story on the great run by the hometown Chicago Blackhawks.



On cable.

Oh.... my.

Well, she's been fired. 

But ONLY after they found .... dramatic pause... old videos of Ms. Collins on YouTube that were... uh... well... "offensive?" If so, I haven't found them. I did find things like this...



Oohh. Shocker. "Douchebags." Wow.

So on the one side you have uptight legacy owner Rocky Wirtz - son of longtime tight-ass-won't-show-home-games-on-tv father Bill Wirtz - who apparently called in the hit for Ms. Collins' immediate dismissal.

On the other hand, many feminists are reeling at the double standard displayed by the Blackhawks because of the fact they employ documented wife abuser Bobby Hull.

Hull, the longtime Blackhawks winger and Hockey Hall of Famer who is currently employed as an official ambassador for the team. Hull, who spent 15 years with the franchise from 1957-72, has reportedly had a history of domestic violence, starting with his ex-wife Joanne, who told ESPN in 2002 that she had “taken a real beating” during a trip to Hawaii. 

"[Bobby] just picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, threw me in the room, and just proceeded to knock the heck out of me," Joanne said. "He took my shoe -- with a steel heel -- and proceeded to hit me in the head. I was covered with blood. And I can remember him holding me over the balcony and I thought this is the end, I'm going."

Joanne also told ESPN of the time when Hull threatened her with a loaded shotgun, which ultimately led to the couple’s divorce. Bernstein also points out another accusation of Hull abusing his third wife, Deborah, in 1986, and his 1998 proclamation that “Hitler had some good ideas.”

So, let's just sit back and watch which side "wins."

Will the Blackhawks be forced to cave and bring back Ms. Collins? Or will the Blackhawks be compelled to end their cushy relationship with ol' Bobby the Wife Beater under pressure?

Oh, the delicious stupid fun. My take: don't fire this girl! She's good. And hot!

And for Bobby, he's overcome his past, so let him stay too.

Can't we all just grow the hell up, and STOP FIRING PEOPLE for things that get found "on the internet!?"

Such nonsense.....

Tiger's Peepers Are Poppin' Out of His Head!

Okay, so this US Weekly report says that Tiger was "hammered" at the after party to the Met Gala where he made his first public, "red carpet" appearance with ski-bunny-studette and girlfriend Lindsay Vonn.

Possibly.

But what in the duece is making his eyeballs pop out like shiny new Titleists?

Charles Ramsey is A One-Man TRUTH Cannon!

"Bro, I knew somethin' was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms. Somethin' is WRONG here. Dead giveaway! Deaaaddddd giveaway. Deaaaaadddddddddddddd giveaway. Either she homeless, or she got problems. That's the only reason why she's running to a black man!"

I smell another auto-tune classic!

I Got Big Balls.....

Marco Bellinelli. Scrub. Still knows how to show off and show out after a big 3 pointer. Good for the NBA to fine his ass $15,000. Know your role, jabroni.

New Balance Shoes: Fat Middle Aged Dudes Love 'Em!

Can't say I've ever had a pair, but maybe I should try them!

Snicky du Jour: Miley Cyrus

Uhhh.... yeah! She's a snicky. I mean, a wayward, pot smoking fiend of a snicky. With weird tattoos and an awful haircut. But don't give up on her yet. There's a lot of good raw material she's working with.

Sergio Would Have Been Just Fine in The Age of Stymies

Of course, stymies have been written out of the golf rulebook since 1952. Still, when the greens at the Wells Fargo looked worse than Lindsay Lohan after waking up in her own vomit, you do what you gotta do.

Holy Crap I Just Wet My Pants Watching This!

Great sport. Great song. Holy f***.

/hits replay

Kentucky Derby History - In 3 1/2 Minutes

I only care about horsie racing a few times a year. But you gotta love any sporting event that has been around continuously for 130+ years! Even during wars!

Get that ridiculous hat ma'am, and order up some mint juleps (awful) and we'll see you at Churchill Downs late Saturday afternoon!

>>>>>>>>>>

PS: Dick Jerardi who was our guest on Friday morning on The Steve Czaban Show on Yahoo! Sports Radio, promotes a totally LEGAL betting site for horse racing called

www.xpressbet.com

Go there and set up and account. I am. I figure I should start playin' the ponies just a bit. Why not? I need another hobby, right?

My pick: Malice Palice. 20-1. Giggity!

"This Thing of Ours..."

I don't care what anyone says, The Sopranos was and remains the single greatest television show in the history of television.

And don't call it HBO. Or cable. Or complain that networks aren't allowed by the FCC to do this kind of thing.

The broadcast networks have proven to be penny smothering cowards of the highest order. It's why the landscape is now left to nothing but CSI spin-offs and "reality" shows making stars out of complete nobodies.

Long live David Chase and the Sopranos.

We Are Doomed, Absolutely F'ing Doomed

Oh sure, these quadcopter drones are "cute" right now, playing "catch" with their little net and nerf ball.

But wait until they get smarter, faster, and are given artificial intelligence that allows them to "learn" and solve problems. They'll be crawling through our houses, peeling back our eyeballs, looking to give us a brain probe like in the movie "Minority Report."

Hell, these drones already have better hands than Terrell Owens did in his last 5 years in the NFL. And I am pretty sure they are currently smarter than Jerry Jones.

It's going to be a long awful future in this world.