Blackout!

A few thoughts about NFL blackout rules, which are quickly becoming as antiquated as the "No Smoking" light on airplanes.

First, from the Mises.org blog, Skip Oliva:

Last week you and Andy were discussing the Jacksonville blackout situation, and Andy mentioned that during the 1993 expansion process, Baltimore had been the early frontrunner before Jacksonville won. I've been looking into this as part of my research for my forthcoming article on the NFL, and here's the other part of the story: Jacksonville had actually dropped out of the expansion process before the final vote, but Paul Tagliabue -- Peter King's favorite Hall of Fame candidate -- manipulated the process, put Jacksonvile back into the running, and steered the final vote in their favor.

There's no single explanation for Tagliabue's actions. Most likely it was because he saw Wayne Weaver as a strong ally -- a case of a commissioner picking his owners, which Bud Selig has been criticized for. Tagliabue may have also bypassed Baltimore as a favor to Jack Kent Cooke. I've speculated before that had Baltimore received an expansion team before Cooke's death, the Squire might have reconsidered his estate planning regarding the Redskins and provided a more orderly succession. Of course that is just speculation.

On a related note, your guest who discussed the NFL blackout rules left some important historical items out. The original blackout rule was adopted in 1951. It prohibited the telecast of a club's home games, and also the telecast of *any* games in a city where the home team had a game that day. In other words, if the Redskins played the Giants in New York, that game could be shown in DC, but New York television couldn't show any NFL games without a special exception from the Giants and the league.

The Justice Department sued the NFL in 1953 to overturn these rules as an antitrust violation. The judge upheld the home blackout policy but struck down the ban on showing out-of-market games. When the NFL later signed its single-network contract in 1961, the same judge found that this violated the strict terms of his 1953 decision. This despite the fact that the AFL, the NBA and NHL all had similar network deals. Thus, the NFL was subject to a different legal standard because of the earlier order. (This is a common problem in antitrust, of course.) That's why the NFL had to go to Congress.

And then there's this from a simple fan perspective....

Lewis Wheaton of Atlanta writes...

You know Czabe, I just caught your Czabecast about the "amenities" of going to a NFL game nowadays.

I agree that there are financial issues for some families, some folks with sweet TVs at home who would rather stay there. And that stadiums are not really agreeable to fans anymore.

You know, there is an interesting hypocrisy of the NFL. I live in Atlanta, and do not go to the games, because I am not a fan of the Falcons. Just like most cities, the NFL fans are not 100% fans of the local team. The only time I'd entertain the idea of going to see the Falcons is if my favorite team was playing there. So the NFL fan base in the city not being a fan of the local team is one problem.

But related to this is the onslaught of ads to sell me (as a resident of an NFL city, fan or not) on STAYING HOME and getting the FULL Sunday ticket NFL BUFFET. So, Rog, do you want me (and any other resident within 40 miles of an NFL stadium) to stay home and consume all the games, or do you want me to pack up my family and pay lots of money to see one? Why would I go to golden corral and buy only Salisbury steak, when I can more affordably get access to the entire buffet... AT THE SAME PRICE!!!???

NFL Ticket for the whole season is $300 and I have a very high probability to see a good game (some game somewhere will be close in the 4th quarter... it happens every week). Comapre that to parking, some number of tickets, gas, food/beverage at any stadium in the country. And I am not stuck in the bleachers potentially watching a snooze-fest with no other option (recall the ads promote the idea that you are missing great plays on other games because you're stuck with cable!!! That applies to games you're going to also!!!).

The NFL has essentially out-marketed itself. You tell people there's a better alternative, don't punish folks for taking it. The NFL is ubiquitous. The league want's its channel freely available everywhere, RedZone coverage, Ticket.... Just like with newspapers, easily available access to all of your product has made fans opt for the cheaper route. Present blackout rules are absurd and antiquated. And it is the NFL's fault that they have gotten to that point.

REACT: Well, well, said. All of these contradictory marketing messages are converging now, and will produce endemic non-sellouts around the country. At least until the NFL gets smart, and makes the game-day experience as compelling, and immersive with video options in and around the stadium of the REST of the NFL product, that you are missing.

If it were my league, I would insist that teams invest in THREE large video screens in the stadium that show ONLY other games, and HI-LITES without sound at all times.

Ma'am, Meet Del Griffith

As you know, the NBA is ready to lock out it's referees because they cannot come to terms (yet) on a CBA.

This is not the end of the world.

Most likely, each side will give a little, and by the time you can say "ABC's Christmas Day Triple-Header!" we'll be seeing Dick Bavetta, Steve Javie, and company back out there making horribly biased big market, star fawning calls.

Yet, the nervous bleating of one NBA referee yenta housewife, has made the blogosphere due to a letter she wrote in "defense" of her hubby and the refs.

Among her gripes.... daddy travels alot.

Well, boo, freaking hoo, sweetheart! Go watch Planes Trains and Automobiles with the late John Candy. The Del Griffiths of the world actually exist. They travel maniacally, selling things as stupid as shower curtain rings.

The movie was fake. The reality of working men who travel is real.

While many men who travel alot, don't LIKE being away from their family, they do so out of love. They are providing. This alone, trumps all the other Oprah-Winfrey-agitated bullshit this yenta trots out with such hysteria.

I don't know how much of a haircut the NBA is fixing to give your man's salary, but I gotta believe you'll still be able to keep the house. Besides, when you say your mortgage doesn't know what "lockout" means, I ask you: do you know what "savings" means?

You can't sustain an even 2-3 month dip in income?

And this salvo takes the prize: "It was not my dream to be an NBA referee. It was not our kid's dream to have a father who is one either. But it is a dream we are fully committed to supporting because it is my husband's dream."

No, no you are NOT supporting it.

You are crying, and bitching, and whining about it. You are likely making things WORSE for your husband, and may get him fired. Good work.

Unless your husband was an accountant with tidy 9-5 hours BEFORE you got married (unlikely) then you know what you were signing up for. Or at least should have.

That said, I bet there are more than a few guys out there who wouldn't mind the gig, with the salary, and the chance to have June, July, August, and September completely OFF to do fun family stuff.

Remy's Redskins Rap

Okay, so you are a little down about the good ol' Redskins. This video ditty should cheer you up! Especially since these wacky clowns are from my high school! Langley Saxons are in the hizz-ouse!

"Probably Not The Next Lombardi...."

If Jim Zorn were merely our offensive coordinator, he'd be fired by now.

Considering the fact that two OC's got canned this summer in the NFL based on PRE-season ineptitude, this would hardly be controversial. Firing head coaches after just two weeks, tends to be more dicey.

I say let's pretend he never got promoted to head coach, and just do what needs to be done.

The only problem with that approach, is that it does nothing to guarantee that a better new head coach will be selected. The virtue of firing him now, is to avoid the long awkward remainder of his tenure here with the 'Skins.

Like a bad date, better to call it off during dessert, and before the movie.

When you find yourself 3 times (technically 5 times, but I'm omitting the ill-fated failed 4th and 1 and the resulting kneel downs at the end of the game) inside the 10 with first and goal, and you get just 3 FG's against perhaps the NFL's weakest defensive team, it's a complete embarrassment.

When you refuse to even ATTEMPT to throw the ball INTO the end zone in order to score, it's maddening.

When you run a HB-option pass on the 5 yard line, just how exactly do you expect to get the defense “out of position?”

Forget the fact that special teams coach Danny Smith had to crawl up Zorn's arm to prevent him from calling a timeout too early while precious seconds were bleeding down against the Rams.

Forget the abysmal play call of a slow developing SWEEP to Portis on the SHORT side of the field when all you need is ½ a yard with a battering ram like Mike Sellers.

Nah. Forget all that.

Get rid of Zorn as head coach for the same reason he was hired.

Do it on a whim.

Do it because it makes sense at the time. Call Gibbs again. Ask him if he should be fired. Hell, call Jim Fassel. He was the guy who allegedly approved of Zorn's hire as OC before Snyder turned heel on Fassel for the second time.

No great thoughts were put INTO making him head coach. Don't put much thought into firing him. Chances are, he's not the next Lombardi.

I'm not saying I especially want him fired. I'm just saying you probably should. Does that make sense?

Remember....

a. He was hired as OC despite never having run an offense.

b. The Seahawks, despite his years of service, told Zorn that he was going out with Holmgren, and that his contract was not going to be renewed.

c. No other teams interviewed Zorn for either an OC job, or the head coaching job.

d. When Zorn was offered a chance to interview for the head job, he made a point of saying that he went home, changed into a suit first. This is a telling anecdote about the culture of the Skins under Snyder. Dress up, suck up, move up.

I actually had to go back and look up the stated rationale for hiring Zorn after this debaculous win. Here's the quotes...

"We're proud that our search was diligent, thorough, and resulted in today's announcement," owner Dan Snyder said. "Jim's track record and reputation as a player, great teacher, and as a coach makes us confident that they will translate to success for the Redskins."

"We knew of Jim's stellar offensive reputation, so we hired him as coordinator, but we also suspected he would be a strong candidate for head coach," Snyder said. "After our first six-hour interview with him, I told Joe [Gibbs], 'This guy would make a terrific head coach.' But we stayed true to our commitment to interview every candidate."

The Redskins had to wait until the Super Bowl was played to interview their final candidate, Giants defensive coordinator Spagnuolo. After Spagnuolo announced Thursday that he'd rather stay with the Giants -- who gave him a new three-year, $6 million contract -- Snyder said he invited Zorn to lunch.

"I told him we were considering him as the next head coach, and asked if he wanted to move forward. Without hesitation he said 'absolutely,' and that's all I needed to hear," Snyder said. "We spent two days taking Jim through the same interview process as every other candidate. Those sessions only confirmed my earlier comment to Joe: Jim Zorn will be a terrific head coach."

With the Redskins, Zorn, who was eager for the chance to direct his own offense, is expected to run an aggressive passer-friendly version of the West Coast offense, said a league executive familiar with Zorn's philosophy.


Uh... huh.

If that's “all I needed to hear” according to Snyder, then this should be all he needs to see.

We're now 1-1, with just 1 TD so far from somebody who is not our punter, with a frisky Lions team next week, itching to end their 19 game losing streak. Fun times...

Next Time, Let the Mascot Call The Game

If you ever wondered why flamethrower Jason Whitlock is no longer with the "World Wide Leader" in sports, here's one more reason. When he decides to "de-cleat" somebody in the media, it's like Warren Sapp on Chad Clifton all over again...

Wrote Whitlock on the MNF double-scoop...

Seriously, (Mike) Greenberg's lack of football knowledge was criminal. Mike Golic and Steve Young are taking some heat for their bad performances, particularly not knowing the rules about possessing the ball on a falling catch in the end zone.
I'm going to give Golic and Young an out. Working opposite Greenberg on a football game, no one could sound intelligent.

Look, Mike Tirico is the best play-by-play man working today. Greenberg had to follow the best. He was going to look bad regardless. But I'm not sure Greenberg has ever watched a football game. Clueless. Get him a boob job and a wig and let him fill in for Erin Andrews on her vacation days.

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If you went up/down the I-95 corridor to Delaware last weekend to sip from the first little trickle of legal sports betting East of Vegas in decades, you might have been disappointed with the long lines just to get a crummy 5.5-1 on a 3-team parlay. As Kevin O'Neill from RealWorldSports.com points out, industry standard is 6-1 and some books even make money at 6.5-1. Worse yet? Delaware apparently had to ask their daddy in Vegas about some of the wagers!

There was plenty of hope in the morning, when people lined up to place bets. And there were blunders, too. Chad Davis, 34, of Harrisburg, said he had waited more than 45 minutes in line. Delaware Park had four cashiers and two machines, but they were not enough for the final rush before the 1 p.m. kickoffs.

Andrew Gentile, chief operating officer of Delaware Park, said the delays had been caused by a system error that required some of the bets to be transmitted to Las Vegas to be reviewed before being approved.

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In case you missed it, this one is an instant, and enduring visual sports classic. BAM! Pwned!



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With all the health care reform debate going on, have you ever wondered “what do the doctors think?” Well, Investors Business Daily ran a poll through the medical establishment, and the results are sobering. I would recommend giving it more than just a quick read.

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Okay, it's Jimmy Time!

As heard on Bob and Brian in the Morning in Milwaukee on 102.9 The Hog, Jimmy Masterlock touted last week's money LOSING 2-2 record as some how “profitable.” Then he completely mis-stated how “the vig” works. (It's you, LAYING the excess 10 percent, you assclown! Not the casino!)

Undaunted, here are his releases for the week. Play against them if you like!

COLLEGE BONUS
Florida -29.5 vs. Tennessee: Jimmy: “Lane Kiffin's team is going be more wrecked than Lindsay Lohan on spring break with two duffel bags of cocaine.”

NFL
Jacksonville -3 vs. Arizona: Jimmy: “The Cardinals east-of-the-Mississippi is like betting on Amtrak to lose money.”

Washington -9.5 vs. St. Louis: Jimmy: “Skins are in triple-owner-coach revenge mode here.” Then he gave out a totally un-reliable stat. Caution.

New England -3.5 at NY Jets: Jimmy: “Run the opposite way as all the suckers pile into NY.” This line moved 3 points since the Patriots struggled. Big deal. They own Gang Green at the Meadowlands.

BARKING DOG

New Orleans +0 at Philly: How Jimmy can say this is a “under-dog” pick is beside me, but he says “you'll get the 0 points, if you need 'em.” A true sign of desperation.

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Finally, don't forget to get your FREE picks in for the tri-fecta of Czabe Football Fun this week!

First, you've got the Leinie's Football Pick 'Em for a free beer tube each week. Then you have the Milwaukee Harley perfect score win a Harley contest. And don't forget the Best Buy weekly fantasy pick-em.

Have fun, waste time, you hate your boss/job anyway, right? Good luck.

No, You Aren't Crazy. It Really Is That Boring...

Lest any Redskin fan wonder if they are somehow missing the "nuance" of Jim Zorn's Redskin offense, this series of pre-snap photos should put that to rest.

No. It's not you.

This series in particular galled me the most last weekend against the Giants. While I understand the perils of being backed up inside your own 5, I also know that many teams love to throw in this spot.

Why? Simple. There's 95 yards of wide-open acreage to cover behind you.

What does Zorn do? Runs Portis three times and punts. And just look at the formations!







(Or should I say "formation." No "s." It's the same freaking one, just flipped on second down to the other side! These are actual NFL "polaroids" somebody found after the game at the Meadowlands in the booth. Fascinating stuff.)

Maybe Zorn just doesn't trust Campbell in this spot. If so, he needs to get a new QB. You can't just be this shrink-dicked timid.

And if this is what we get in a situation like this, then you can imagine how plain the rest of the scheme looks to every defensive coordinator in the league.

What a shock then, that the Skins haven't scored 30 points in a game (even counting DFTD's and STTD's) in a string of 19 games and counting.

Only the Lions have a longer such streak.

Belicheat: Verdict Stands

I think Bill Belichick is the best coach in the NFL right now. He's also a Hall of Famer.

Bill Belichick is also a cheater.

These two statements do not cancel each other out.

Some die hard Pats apologists, however, keep trying to insist that Videotape-Gate was much ado about nothing.

Not so.

Here's one email...

Gents,

I am listening to your breakdown of the Redskins game yeasterday; and one of you guys(out of jealously) feel the need to call Bill and Charlie Weis cheaters.  You should have more of a clue before you call the best coach in sport a cheater, but you obviously don't really have a clue that the so called "tapes" had absolutely nothing to do with their success.  Maybe you would like to remind your listeners that George Allen used to send coaches to opposing teams practices, I wonder how that would go over?  Would that be cheating, or was he just doing what all the other coached were doing; and their wins and loses were decided on the field.

Roger in Annapolis

REACT: Put simply, Belichick and the Patriots cheated. They cheated in a way that prompted an un-precedented fine of $1 million and a forfeiture of a 1st round draft pick. The fact Belichick was not suspended, was perhaps only due to owner Bob Kraft's lofty standing within the NFL's inner circle. None of this is in dispute.

Now how much this taping program helped the Patriots is unknown. None of the principals (Belichick and Weiss to be specific) will address it, and neither has elaborated.

But we know this much: the program was in place for over a full season, and they felt it was so crucial, that they risked (and got caught) the practice after the league issued a specific edict against it.

To me, that means the program was not insignificant.

All that said, I still think Belichick is an awesome coach. He's also a homewrecker, sore loser, and more boring than a box of unsharpened #2 pencils.

These opinions are do not cancel each other out.

And as for George Allen, that's beside the point. Allen likely cheated too, with some of his actions. He was never fined $1 million or docked a #1 pick. (He didn't have any lying around, anyway.)

The Football Betting Thrill Ride Is About To Begin!

There's nothing like wagering on sports.

Nothing.

Oh, you haven't tried it? What's the matta-wich-yoo?

Now I've heard all the excuses. "I like watching sports for the pure athletic nature of it." Or "I don't want to have to go against my own team."

It's all garbage.

Come on, people. A little "sweet action" on the side, isn't going to turn you into Art Schlischter. Probably...

To gamble a little something on a football game, is to live so vicariously through every single stupid play, that you'll feel more alive than you ever have watching a game. You'll have a real stake in the outcome. Even if it's just a lousy $20 bucks.

Plus, when you win, there's a chest thumping satisfaction that comes with it which is hard to describe, almost like beating your most hated rival.

This is not to say, there will not be heartache and frustration. Ohhh, trust me, there will be. You will go through cold streaks. You will suffer bad beats. You will get whipsawed by injury and penalties. A ref's call will almost certainly steal a win from your back pocket.

Some weeks, you will look at the point spreads, and they will appear as confusing as Chinese trigonometry.

But you will be more involved with football than ever! And you need not do anything to ever compromise your rooting interest in your favorite team.

It's a big league. Roam around. You've got 30 other teams to wager on each week!

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With that... here's Jimmy Masterlock's picks for Week 1, as heard on Bob and Brian in the Morning on 102.9 The Hog.

Dallas -6 vs. Tampa Bay (Jimmy Sez: Tampa will be a 4 win team this year)
Minnesota -3.5 at Cleveland (Jimmy Sez: Nobody ever went broke betting against the Browns!)
Detroit +13 at New Orleans (Jimmy Sez: A rookie QB vs. one of the most potent offenses in the league? Something doesn't smell right. This game should be 19 or 20, right? RUN to the smell. Dumpster dive!)

and... the "Barking Dog" of the week, where you may want the points, you may like the points, but YOU ARE NOT GOING TO NEED THEM!

Miami +4 @ Atlanta (Jimmy Sez: These are two suprise 11 win teams from last year, but the Fish will prove last year was more legit than fluke.)

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Finally, given that we are in the worst recession since Max Headroom and Members Only Jackets were all the rage, I am proud to offer up three easy contests for you guys to partake in, all for FREE!

The first one is our Leinenkugel Pick 'Em game, which is as simple as it gets. Just pick the games (no spreads) and the weekly winner gets an awesome autographed Beer Tube to pour some of your favorite Leinie's into!



The second game, is the pick a game, predict the score contest sponsored by Milwaukee Harley. This one too is simple play, although winning the bitchin' "Fat Bob" is going to be one helluva Hail Mary.

Just pick a game and fire in the exact score you predict. Then of all the entries that week, ONE person's game will be activated as "live" for a chance to win the Harley. All you gotta do then, is sit back and watch your Nostradamus like prediction come home. Vrooom.... vrooom!



Finally, my guy Paul Charchian (Fantasy Guru from Minneapolis) set up a deal through Best Buy with us, so you can play against me every week in a fantasy game for both bragging rights (always fun) and cool Best Buy prizes. (even funner!)





Takes a few minutes longer (you hate your boss, though, go ahead!) but once your fantasy lineup is set, you at least have a little taste of fantasy each week in case you don't have any real friends for a league, or simply quit the one you were once a part of in total disgust. (Trust me, I've been there!)

So there you go, folks. Happy football. Does life get any better than right now? I doubt it...

God.. and "Lies"

I love how Allen Iverson has invoked "God" as the reason he has meekly accepted a 1 year, $3.5 million deal with woeful and irrelevant Memphis Grizzlies. Iverson "Tweeted" the following...

"God Chose Memphis as the place that I will continue my career."

Or, maybe your inability to share the basketball had something to do with that. Just sayin...

The fact that no NBA team other than this laughinstock would want a 34 year old still-lightning-quick "superstar" is telling. It confirms once and for all what many Iverson agnostics (note: I did not say haters, or critics) have said for years.

He simply doesn't make teams better.

Aside from the Dikembe Mutumbo year in Philly where they went the Finals (with some of the shadiest refereeing this side of Tim Donaghy, well documented here my Bucks faithful), Iverson has had virtually no impact on a team being truly good or great.

Oh sure, he scores like the devil. He makes insanely pretty highlight plays. But that's about it.

Had Iverson seen this coming, he could have pivoted his game the last few years into becoming a true point guard. A 12 dime, 8 shot a night guy. But what fun would that be?

If so, he could have been a key starter/backup at the #1 position in the NBA for a dozen teams. I still think nobody is quick enough to stay with him.

But at least "God" has a plan for him. I hope God also doesn't believe in practice.

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A few thoughts on what constitutes a "lie."

As you probably know, a Republican Congressman by the name of Joe Wilson blurted out rudely to Obama during his address "You lie!"

Out of form, no doubt. Untrue? Not hardly.

The issue was Obama insisting that his "plan" does not allow for illegal immigrants to be covered under his "universal" health insurance plan. I know, there is specific languange in the bill saying just that.

But at the same time, Obama does not say that there is precisely NO MEANS TO ENFORCE this in the plan. In fact, a Republican proposal to require citizens to prove their legal status before entering the plan was defeated by Democrats in committee.

So at best, Obama is uttering very nice sounding half-truths.

It would be like you promising your mom: "I promise I will not drive to the mall tonite to hang out with my friends smoke pot."

And then instead, you simply WALKED to the mall and did the same thing.

Everybody with half a brain knows that illegals WILL be getting coverage they are "supposedly" not entitled to under this plan. If a police department decides not to buy ANY radar detectors, then you can guarantee that there will be speeding.

So I suppose it would have been more accurate to shout: "You are spewing half-truths!"

But I also suppose that comment would have packed less sting. It would still have been rude. Presidents who choose to abuse the truth, do so at their own peril, and will have to answer for it in due time.

Bowden's Lemonade Glass on the Porch Is Getting Warm

Ten (Or More..) Things I Know I Think

1. When Bobby Bowden starts to wax nostalgic about how awesome a game he lost must have been to watch, then it's time to go. I don't know many coaches who even think this way. Instead of seeing 38-34 as a "great game" like Bobby did, most coaches want to vomit thinking about why on earth they surrendered 38 at home.

2. There is no act of poor sportsmanship worse than strutting or posing after you have laid out a defenseless receiver. While I have real problems with the NCAA's new "point of emphasis" on this issue, I thought Reshad Jones of Georgia was a total jackass after hitting Justin Blackmon of Oklahoma State. Congrats, dude. You made the obvious play you need to make. Don't act like you just cured cancer. Especially when the guy you hit might be seriously injured. That said, I think the new interpretation of these hits is going to pose continuing problems.

3. I think I need to know how to pull and post high quality, quasi-HD clips like the one above to YouTube. Currently, I have a Pinnacle USB video converter that lays down video from composite inputs. It can accept my HD picture from my DirecTV box, but it does not lay down a 16x9 aspect ratio on the recorded video to my USB storage device. Instead, it crushes the video into a 4x3 aspect ratio file. I did find out I can "un-stretch" this video on a re-convert using Vegas Movie Studio Platinum. But the render time is somewhat tedious and cumbersome. The resulting video is quite good. Not "real" HD but at least crystal sharp standard def video in a nice widescreen format. This would be great for archiving and posting stuff to YouTube. (I hate nothing more than crappy YouTube footage, don't you?) But to date, I don't know of any way to capture what I am looking for without re-converting. Nerds, have at this one. I'll post the best responses later this week.

4. Speaking of "bad HD" I am insulted at the garbage ABC threw at us for the otherwise awesome VaTech v. Alabama game. It was clearly NOT true HD. Un-acceptable. They should be forced to label the video as STANDARD DEF WIDESCREEN, which I am convinced it was. PS: How come uncle Brent doesn't have more pull?

5. Last note on that game, I was glad to see Lee Corso back on the set after his stroke back in May. However, it's tough to notice immediately the 5-8% loss in function he still has. I know about strokes quite well. My dad's father suffered one, and it is such a blow to quality of life. For whatever reasons, everybody fears the ol' heart attack above all else. But at least if you survive one of those, you can go on to function pretty well.

6. ESPN's Wendy Nix is already the most cougar-riffic of ESPN female talent. But did you see her with the librarian glasses on Saturday? Ohhh... wow.

7. Not that anybody needed proof, but Northern Iowa losing an epic upset bid because of TWO blocked kicks in a row at the gun? Good grief, Charlie Brown. I think there are probably 5-6 good kickers in D-1 college football, everybody else is some kind of soccer team walk-on.

8. Did you see John Senden's albatross at the Duechebank? (Doushe-bank, whatever?) I was trying to remember the last time the rarest of golf birds, the ALBATROSS was caught on film in it's natural element? I couldn't remember. You only hear about them on tour, you rarely see one.

9. Mike Singletary has installed a giant ol' dirt hill at the Niner's training facility. Claims that any great football player has once done hill training to get in prime shape. He's probably right. I always heard about Walter Payton doin' that crap. The story on ESPN even said that Ladanian Tomlinson had a hill "installed" at his home so he could work out on it. I bet that hill also had a huge, sweet-ass, HD jumbotron installed at the top. Ohhhh, yeahhh.

10. One of my neighbors played for the 1961 Alabama national championship team. How do I know this? He wore an Alabama golf shirt, and his title ring to a little neighborhood social on Sunday night. And boy, did he have stories! He buttonholed me immediately, and said: "Now, are you some kind of sportswriter?" His name is Ed Versprille. Lean, fit, a thick head of white hair, and a penchant for invading your personal space when he gets fired up, ol' Ed had a problem with my initial questions about him having played. "You played?" I said. "Hell yeah, why does everybody say that!" "Nothing, I just think it's impressive. What position?" "Fullback!" be blurted proudly. And then without any prompting, he closed in to about 6 inch range from my face and growled: "And I would knock your dick in the dirt, too!" My man. Eddie! I think we're going to the Auburn game together. Stay tuned.

Declaring War on Your Neighbor

Here's one you won't see for, oh... maybe another 27 years of reading the newspaper: Man Fires Cannon, Hit's Neighbor's House.

Fabulous. I can just see the crazy old dude now: "Aye, matey's! Clear the poop deck and stowe the Hogsheads underneath! Come about... and.... FIRE!"

KA-BOOM!

I can't wait to see that guy try to make a homeowner's insurance claim on that one. "Uh huh. Yes ma'am. Cannon. No. Like, revolutionary war, cannon. I know, ma'am. It's against our HOA covenants. But it wasn't MY cannon. It was my neighbor. No, ma'am. He's not invited to the picnic anymore, thank you for asking."

You Have No Idea How Lucky You Are

No owner. No lawsuits. No invasion of opposing fans.

If going to Lambeau Field (even for just one game a year) and being a Packer fan seems like it is divine providence, you are probably right.

Welcome to my world.

Part 2 of the Washington Post expose on Dan Snyder's rock-em-sock-em business practices with our beloved football team, chronicles what it looks like to sue into bankruptcy a 72 year old woman who has a house full of Redskin trinkets.

Oh, the joy.

Once upon a time, Redskinland and RFK were a lot like Packerland and Lambeau. The stadium was small, but loud. You knew everybody who sat in the rows in front of you, and behind you. Getting a ticket was something to brag about.

And yeah, the waiting list really was just that. A list in which your number was somewhere in the 50,000 range, and you got a post card each year saying you had moved up 10 spots.

Hang in there. It was still faster than the Packer list.

Now you have ticket practices that are an ugly hybrid of the Russian mafia, and a Turkish baazaar. They make no sense. But they do make money for our beloved owner.

That being said.... I do have one friend from high school who finds the whole Post series to be a lot of whining about nothing. He writes...

Czabe,

In honor of your favorite "sports columnist" (douche-bag) Peter King, here I go:

Ten things I think I think:

1.Dan Snyder did not build Fedex Field – Why do we blame him?

2.EVERY team sells to scalpers.  If the average fan wanted to buy a bunch of club level suites they could also work a deal to get seats in other preferred areas of the stadium – It’s a business and as Americans we pride ourselves in living in a free market.

3.Where in the Constitution does it give us the right to buy tickets at the price We Choose in the Section We Want.  40 Million Americans live below the poverty level and can't afford $50 to go to a football game - should we require NFL Teams to allocate free tickets to accommodate these fans (I'm OK with it).

4.The 160,000 people on the waiting list are there because they only want to spend a certain amount on tickets and there are only a certain amount of those seats available – if they were willing to spend the money the tickets are available in premium sections.

5.The stadium seats 91,000 people.  Anyone who wants to get tickets to any game can buy them on the secondary market usually for less than face value.  There are literally thousands of tickets for sale by brokers for less than $100 – dare me and I’ll find them.

6.There are season tickets available on Stubhub for as low as $46.88 per game – look it up.

7.In less than 10 minutes I found over 10,000 tickets for the Cowboys home opener in their new stadium.

8.Tickets to Broadway Shows are hundreds of dollars – I choose not to buy them.

9.As a fan of the Redskins I am grateful that our owner spends enough money that EVERY YEAR our team has the potential to go to the playoffs and win – don’t you think that the millions of fans of Detroit, Cleveland, Arizona, Buffalo, NY Jets, Cincinnati, KC, Oakland and Houston (to name a few) would trade places in a second?

10.If you thought that Chase Daniels, Colt Brennan or Todd Collins should be the starting QB – you’re too stupid to watch football.

11-5 is the number . . . see you in the playoffs!

Lyle

Skins Tix Brokers Get Chop Blocked by Team

Yeah, sure. It's a season ticket "waiting list."

Riiiiiigggghhhht.

If you needed one more debunking narrative as to how totally-not-at-all-hard it is anymore to get a ticket to see the Skins play at FedEx Field, then this brilliant piece by the Washington Post should do it.

Apparently, the debacle of the Steeler game last year on national TV (MNF) in which Steeler fans were a seeming 50-50 split with the home crowd, pushed Dan Snyder over the edge and caused him to move on cancelling various ticket broker accounts with the team.

And look, I know that every team probably does this, to some extent, and in some way. And look, I know that they are running a business.

But let's just stop once and for all with the nonsense of a "list" that encompasses 160,000 supposedly willing and able ticket buyers.

It's a burgundy and gold striped unicorn, in my book. A wonderful thought, but something that doesn't really exist.

There MIGHT be 16,000 people ready and willing to buy tickets, but even that might be a stretch.

(NOTE: Be sure to chortle at the passage in the story about the actual list, printed out, sitting in 16 huge boxes and binders in a "locked" closet. Now there's an efficient way to store data in the year 2009, huh?)

See, the problem is simple: There are roughly 40,000 seats in that building which are good seats, at a price people want. We're talking the lower bowl regular season tickets that cost $99 per game.

The rest of the seats, virtually nobody wants.

Club seats at up to $475 per game ++ (parking, etc.) are chronically undersold and underused. (See: wide swaths of yellow during games)

The upper bowl (Siberia) is only used as a "feeder" or "farm system" to tempt fans into thinking they'll get called down to the lower bowl after X number of years up there. Not unlike infamous announcer Rod Roddy on "The Price is Right" screaming "come on down....!"

So by my calculations (and others here in the office) there's about 60-75,000 seats that are not exempt from the "luxury" category that prevents Skins games from falling victim to blackout rules.

How close are we, to that threshold?

Nobody knows for sure. But I think we are closer than anybody realizes, and I think the day is coming soon, when we are all going to be in for the shock of our generation.

A road trip to Harrisburg, PA to watch the Skins at home. Just like the bad ol' days of the early 70's.

Oh, That Is Rich....

So Rich Rodriquez allegedly ran players through their paces in excess of NCAA guidelines while at Michigan last year. According to a Detroit Free Press expose (yes, they are still printing) several disgruntled ex-players spilled the beans about Rich-Rod's sadistic schedule.

Could the players just hold a grudge? Naaahhhh. Rich Rod is a man of unquestioned integrity. He's a pillar of honesty and letter-of-the-law kind of guy. (Sarcasm=ON)

On December 16, 2007, Rodriguez informed players at West Virginia that he was leaving to succeed Lloyd Carr as the University of Michigan head football coach. The announcement of his departure came just four months after Rodriguez last renegotiated his contract with West Virginia, and was made despite his stated long-term commitment to the Mountaineers. The contract included a $4 million buyout if he left WVU within one year of the August 2007 signing date.

Of course, when push came to shove, Rich-Rod tried to weasel out of the explicit buyout clause, because hey, why should that apply to HIM?

On the one hand, I know that "everybody does it" in college football. The sport is nothing short of a professional enterprise, only the players don't get squat. You can't have a decent D-1 team if you go specifically by every single little aspect of the rules.

On the other hand, how embarrassing is it that Michigan still went 3-9 with possible extra practice and work?

This would be like the Detroit Lions getting a phone call from Brett Favre in an attempt to reveal sensitive game plans, and STILL getting roasted.

Oh, wait. That did happen.

Yay, state of Michigan! Is there anything else that can go south?

Surf and F'ing Turf. Yeahhhhh!

At the risk of sounding like Peter King here, I must give you a Czabe version “Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Tip of the Week.”

11:20 a.m. - Newburyport, NH

We've just jetted down I-95 from Bangor International Airport in our rented mini-van. Me, my wife, my two daughters, and my two nephews. My sister-in-law and her husband got a week at home alone, while the lil' monsters stayed a week longer in Maine to attend camp.

(Note to self: invoice for the kid wrangling once we are home.)

Prior to leaving their retirement cottage in Bar Harbor, I engaged in a spirited father/son-in-law argument over how long it would take to get to Boston for our absurdly cheap JetBlue flight back to Dulles ($89 each way).

I said: “Without traffic, 4 hours or less, no problem.”

Pops, rolling his eyes in disgust, jabbed back... “Look. It's 5 hours, maybe more! Saturday is a 'change day' up here, and there's going to be lots of traffic.”

With my pops-in-law, there is ALWAYS going to be traffic. And with him, the amount of traffic only comes in one size: “alot.”

There is never a “chance” of traffic, or “some” or even “light” traffic. Nope. It's gonna be a lot. Always.

“Dad, it's 244 miles, almost all highway, I checked it on my iPhone” I insisted. “Of course we're not going to sleep in, but I think we are fine.”

My dad threw his hands up and turned away. Serves me right for arguing with a local.

Anyway, back to our trip. We've just clicked through mile 204 and it's time for lunch. Time check: 2 hours and 41 minutes. In my head, I channel my best Degeneration X signature crotch chop with a “SUCK IT!” for my dad.

I do it in my head because I do love him. But I love being right even more.

If I wanted, we could plow through to Logan International and punch a ticket for 3:45 door to door. I could then call him, hand the phone to a stranger with a thick BAH-stahn accent and say: “Here, tell this guy what time it is here.”

Nah. Time to clear the bench and let the scrubs play. No need to run up the score.

PS: Change day traffic was as non-existent as A-Rod in October.

We find a strip mall and decide to try a little franchise place called “D'Angelo's Grilled Sandwiches.” Looks like a stepped up Subway. I'm pumped.

On the menu is a nice array of just what the name implied. Cheesesteaks, meatball subs, cold sandwiches, the works. Nice.

But oh.... hellooooo... what do .. we... have... heeeere?

“Surf and Turf Special: $12.95”

Can you say “5-inch lobster sandwich with 5 inch cheesesteak?”

What a score!

If you've been to the northeast, you've probably had a lobster roll or “sandwich.” It's all the good part of the lobster (i.e. meat) soaked in mayo and stuffed in a special half-roll, half bread cradle. They also throw lettuce in there, but I waive that player like Cuttino Mobley in a 3-team deal before he even takes a physical with my team.

In short, it kicks ass.

But most lobster roll sandwiches around touristy Bar Harbor, run 12-15 bucks alone. This one was every bit as good, but had an awesome cheeseteak thrown in as part of the deal.

Shwing!

I know that 14 bucks is a lot to pay for a “sandwich lunch” but if we had a D'Angelos in my area (and I don't think we do) I might wear that special out. I could easily see myself snagging that double-double 3 or 4 times a week.

Easy.

Apparently, D'Angelos's is also the “Official” sandwich shop of the Boston Red Sox. And as such, they have a cool logo that reads “Lobster Nation” but with the red socks replaced with lobster claws. If they had a t-shirt with that, I would have bought two on the spot.

Okay, that's all I got. Now, back to random football thoughts like Peter King.

“You know, I think Tom Cable is walking a fine but jagged line of sanity in Oakland, judging by his first month of camp.....”

Man, I should really get a gig like King's. This is fun!

Philly Rehab

I used to respect Donovan McNabb. A lot.

Not anymore.

The more I heard him talk about his role in bringing Vick to the Eagles, the more disgusted I got. And it has nothing – nothing – to do with Vick and his dogfighting.

On that front, the guy has paid a huge price, and one he deserved to pay because of his own arrogance. So I reject Commissar Goodell's micromanaging the return by saying he'll “review” the case at some point about 6 weeks into the season to give him full clearance.

Vick should be cleared to play now. Period.

But he should be brought in to a team for purely football reasons only. Not the mushy rehabilitation theme that McNabb has struck up for a fellow, former Pro-Bowl, black quarterback.

Oh. Whoops. Was that the race card? Sorry. Slipped out.

But since it's on the felt table, let's just play the hand, shall we?

Does anybody really think McNabb would go out of his way to lobby for a competitor to his job if it was … oh.... say.... Jake Delhomme, the disgraced former Super Bowl QB who grew up with dogfighting on the bayou but is now really, really, really sorry?

I didn't think so.

So that's fine, McNabb is on a “help-a-brotha-out” tour here, and that's his own risky game to play. It might work out. Or not.

I see one of the following things happening.

1. Vick returns and is a modestly exciting, part-time, wildcat QB who scores one TD, but otherwise is a non-factor. He stays out of trouble.
2. Vick is used briefly in wildcat situations, is counter-productive, and shelved as the backup. Season ends quietly, never needing him.
3. Vick is used as an injury replacement to McNabb for 2-4 games, and he's.. um... not good. Period. Experiment ends after the season, everybody wishes him luck.
4. Vick is used as an injury replacement to McNabb for 2-4 games and he's... AWESOME! Now, there's serious question about whom to keep going forward.
5. Vick gets in trouble again off the field, everybody is embarrassed, and he's suspended again.

Now from a football standpoint, I just don't see much upside in any of these scenarios. And my gut says that #'s 1&2 are more likely than 4&5 but we'll see.

There is a longshot scenario, one Eagle fan posed to me... It goes something like this: Eagles shine up the rusty quarter, and trade him next year as a good citizen and QB ready to start for a 2nd or 3rd round pick. I doubt this entirely, because of how lukewarm the compensation was for a guy like Matt Cassell without all the baggage.

The bigger picture is this: McNabb has been one of the most prickly, sissy-ish, starting QB's when it comes to looking over his shoulder. A guy who clearly chafed at the Eagles using a #2 on Kevin Kolb, suddenly now is lobbying to bring in Vick?

McNabb's reasons are almost purely personal and social. The whole “he's paid his debt” and I have a “personal relationship” with him things.

From a pure football standpoint, I think the reasons are very fishy, at best.

Amazing too, that McNabb was already nearly on the curb this past season, and for the two years before that.. To think he could actually be successful in bringing Vick in for his own reasons, is a stunner in its own right.

If you are Vick, you better thank your lucky stars that Tony Dungy and Donovan McNabb put so much personal capital into your comeback.

If you are an Eagle fan, however, it's hard to respect McNabb for this move. If the socially minded QB had just been able to hit wide open receivers on crossing patterns last January in Arizona, they might have been in the Super Bowl.

Oh well. Vick's rehabilitation is very important to McNabb, so the fans are just going to have to sit down in back and shut the hell up.

King Douchebag

Ha. Fooled, ya. Didn't he?

Well, not me. Or a handful of others in the national sports media.

But he still got about 90% of the suckas out there. In fact, I don't recall a SINGLE “expert” employed by ESPN saying a month ago “hang on, folks. This ain't over, until it's over.”

But I did. In fact, I called it almost exactly. I said: “It's not that he doesn't want to play for the Vikings, it's that he doesn't want to have to go to training camp.”

Quote... un-quote.

Well then, look at the timing.

So now Favre enters a whole new orbit of self-absorbed douchebaggery, one in which he will almost certainly retire the trophy forever.

Let me now unload a shag bag of random thoughts about all of this, and let you good folks pick from what you like....

Thought #1: How orchestrated was all of this?

It's possible, that this entire scenario was cooked up from the very first conversation. Get the existing roster used to the possibility of Favre well in advance. Make it seem like it's a really tough decision. Delay, delay, and delay. Ensure he somehow misses camp. Then..... to quote John Madden.. BOOM! There he is!

Thought #2: Good thing the NFL isn't run like most fantasy leagues.

Because if it was, there would be fucking upheaval right now. Let's review: Team A who hold the rights to Player X, refuses to re-install Player X as starting quarterback after he “retires.” Team A also refuses to release Player X outright. (Hey, rights are rights. You'd be nuts to just give them away for nothing). Team A then negotiates trade of Player X to Team B, with strict stipulations. If Team B then turns around and trades Player X to Team C (in Division) then Team B owes Team A THREE #1 draft picks.

So after one year of lukewarm enthusiasm with Team B, Player X decides to “retire” again.

INEXPLICABLY, TEAM B THEN GRANTS PLAYER X HIS OUTRIGHT RELEASE!!!!

Uh, hello. Where the FUCK is the commissioner of this league!? If Roger Goodell ran my fantasy league, he'd have to get an unlisted number at this point.

Do the rules of the league, and player rights by teams mean ANYTHING anymore? Or do certain “superstars” merit transparent end-runs around such rules?

It's clear now that Team B (Jets) knew that it couldn't do anything with Player X because he would only play in the one place that would cost them 3 draft picks, so they just washed their hands.

Roger Goodell. You sir, suck.

Thought #3: When are Sage and Tavaris going to grow a pair?

I'm disappointed that in this day and age of hyper-political correctness in sports, neither one of these guys just flat out said: “This is a joke. The guy is entitled to come here and compete for a job, but at least show up for camp and sweat like the rest of us. Besides, the guy has a torn shoulder that's been stitched back together, and he's faded in the second half of every season the last 5 years. The guy's a legend, but he's had his time. This is a farce. But, whatever. Rah, rah, team.”

So what's the worst that could happen? They release you? Sage has guaranteed money, and you know he's bound for at least another 2 NFL teams before he's finally done holding a clipboard. And Jackson's gonna be cut anyway.

So come out and blast this clown, and earn some street cred with those of us out here who are just begging for somebody in sports to drop the politically correct crap out of fear of being ripped yourself.

Thought #4: Is Peter King capable of being embarrassed?

Think of it this way: nobody throated Favre more than King in the print media the last 10 years. Nobody pretended he was on a buddy-buddy level with Favre more than King. Nobody casually mentioned cell phone calls, or text messages with the guy more than Mr. Coffeenerdness.

And yet.... NOBODY has MISSED this story more badly than King.

Nobody.

It's like he keeps getting scooped, and scooped, and scooped, and scooped. And I wonder: does he know how stupid he looks? Does he care?

Thought #5: Does Favre have an image consultant?

The ultra-dirty hat. The perma-gray-stubble beard. It's such a “good look” for a “legendary” QB who is trying to “turn back the hands of father time” for one more run, isn't it?

Too good of a look?

Did Favre even once think: “You know, I'm reporting to Vikings camp today. Better shower and shave, and at the very least, throw on a decent ballcap.”

Or was it the opposite. “Deanna, get me that grimy cap from the basement! Yeah, that's the one! And here, is my stubble nice and gray? Good....”

Let's roll.....

So off we go. And sadly, some people whom I am losing respect for by the minute are now proclaiming the Vikings as “the team to beat in the NFC.”

AHEM..... cough... COUGH!.... Ron Jaworski... COUGH....

Rooting against them, and him, will be a sweet pleasure this year.

Game on.

Jurassic Park Politics

I've been sitting back on my plastic-weave folding lawn chair the last few weeks, watching Our Dear Leader's health care plan turn into a demolition derby on 5-cent Jack Daniels night at the local dirt track.

Ah, such fun.

Anyway, I came across a nice analogy about how government (big or small) is capable of jacknifing a one-car parade with a VW Beetle when it tries to do anything more than just collect our taxes and keep the lights on in America.

This from "Deconstructing Obama" by Dr. Zero over at Hotair.com.

"The history of price controls and government subsidies is an unbroken tale of misery and failure. Applying price controls to a complex product, such as medicine, is like trying to clutch a fist full of water. The only predictable result will be the dumb amazement of the politicians, when they find themselves trapped in the Jurassic Park of inevitable statist failure, with the laws of supply and demand coming at them like hungry velociraptors."

REACT: Perfect. And it had never crossed my mind. Like Jurassic Park, most government fantasies are scaled to ridiculous proportions, and usually begin to fly apart at the inevitable law of un-intended consequences. (What? The velociraptors have learned how to beat the electric fence? Ohhhh... shit!)

Now, if only we could get Jeff Goldblum to mutter incoherently under his breath about "public options" and "town hall" and "Blue Dogs..." until he's a stark eyed pants quivering mess.

"Rock Bottom" Lobster

Welcome to my vacation in lovely Bar Harbor, Maine. Where the in-laws are friendly, and the lobster is plentiful.

And cheap!

Or so you would think!

This Wall Street Journal article shows the fallout from the recession. People just ain't buying the luxury crustaceon like they used to!

"Lobstermen are getting paid around $2.50 a pound for soft-shell lobster this summer. Just two years ago, the average price was $4.43, according the state's Department of Marine Resources. Lobster prices often fluctuate, getting higher in the winter when weather conditions make it harder to fish, and lower in the summer. But last fall, prices dropped sharply, and have only slightly recovered."

"They've always said that lobster follows the stock market," because people treat themselves to lobster meals when they're feeling prosperous, said Neal Workman, president of the Fisheries Exchange, a company that advises seafood dealers.


I've always had a love/hate with lobster. On the one hand, I love shellfish. All of them. Especially crab and lobster. But whenever I splurge for some sweet LOB, I end up afterward thinking "that was a waste of money. I should have just dipped some chicken in butter."

I would never, ever, ever eat lobster without the sweet butter dipper. Why? I just wouldn't. Like I wouldn't eat blue crab without little sprinkles of Old Bay spice. So with lobster, perhaps the fish is nothing more than a "delivery system for butter." And an expensive one at that.

I will try to drive a hard bargain this week on vacation in regard to lobster prices. I may just walk up to one of the many local lobster pounds and say: "How about 3 bucks for that lobster. $5 if you cook it for me."

And just see what they say.

In a related story, the alligator skinnin' biz in Loooo-eeeeesssianana aint' doin' too good neither.

Today's "Special"

Either Rick Pitino is a horrible "friend" for letting his equipment manager marry an emotionally unstable cougar like Karen Sypher, or she's making every thing up. All I know is this: the Pope is canceling his Mega March Madness package at the Vatican.

That said... there's a hot new "dish" in town...

P O R C I N I ’ s
New Entree:
Aged red snapper, stuffed with Italian Sausage,

All you can drink red wine.

* * Only available after normal business hours

The Worst Swing I've Ever Seen

And one of the best guys I know! Go figure.

Aaron Artru and his band of merry golfing men have bid to play in my foursome at the Bob and Brian Open golf tournament, benefitting the MAACC Fund for 4 straight years now.

They are, in short, a funny-ass bunch of everyday middle-aged married working (okay, a few are laid off currently) dudes who love to drink beer and play bad golf.

Actually, let me check that. The boys played GREAT this year with me!

We were -13 and one shot out of 1st place! Derrick Schultz was ripping drives, Rob Igl was money on iron shots, and Aaron made no less than 5 of our birdie putts, including 3 of the first 4 we looked at!

And there was Brad, who was a newbie in the foursome who wore a PLAIN WHITE T-SHIRT to the event, because he claimed "it was the only thing clean" on his floor that morning!

Great times, and for a great cause.

Now enjoy Aaron's awesome swing, in super-slo-mo courtesy my Casio EFX-1 camera.

OxyClean Was The Only "Oxy" He Wasn't Ingesting..... We Think

Whoa, Billy Mays!

Looks like his sudden and tragic death at the age of 50 was not just "one of those things that could happen to anybody."

Toxicology reports on Mays revealed the following drugs....

Hydrocodone (Vicodin),
Oxycodone (painkiller)
Alprazolam (Xanax)
Nordiazepam (Valium)
Temazepam (anti-anxiety)

alcohol....

and Benzoylecgonine (a byproduct of cocaine).

Which puts Mays into the pantheon of Anna Nicole Smith, Heath Ledger, and Michael Jackson in terms of being a walking pharmacy.

Not that we are a nation that is on a runaway train of anti-depressant use and plastic surgery. Naaaahhhh....

There was this nugget I read recently which stuck in my head...


The number of Americans taking antidepressants doubled to 10.1 percent of the population in 2005 compared with 1996, increasing across income and age groups, a study found. An estimated 27 million Americans ages 6 and older were taking the drugs by 2005, while their use of psychotherapy declined, according to Columbia University researchers. The findings highlight the need for doctors who are not psychiatrists and prescribe the medicines to be trained to diagnose and manage depression so patients get the most effective treatment, said the study’s lead author.

Now, let me be clear. I know plenty about this subject from first hand experience. While I am not on any mood altering drugs, I know several extended family members who are. And trust me, they are LIVE SAVING, quality enhancing miracles.

You can't just say "take a brisk walk and think happy thoughts."

That said, the increasingly easy recreational use of these drugs does seem to be picking up tempo. And if you are rich, famous or both, you can certainly "afford" to start poppin' the pills like tic-tacs.

Until you drop dead, that is.

Analogy Fail

Recently, when Barack Obama was pushing the challenging but - he thinks - do-able task of re-arranging massive aspects of the entire health care industry in America, he invoked the Apollo 11 space mission to use as a comparative rallying point.

Uhhhh... try again.

To think that the Apollo 11 mission and ObamaCare are comparable in the least, is a joke. Analogy = FAIL.

The reasons are simple.

Yes, it took Uncle Sam's wallet to fund NASA and the people in charge of putting us on the moon. Yes, it took JFK's stated mission to land on the moon as a generational challenge to official put us on the clock. Yes, it also took Russians working hard in their own backyard on the thing to prompt us along.

But after all that, it took a room full of extremely smart - likely, brilliant - scientists and mathemeticians to get Messers Armstrong, Aldrin, and Collins up and back without a scratch.

The people who populate Congress are not that smart.

Not by a moon shot.

On a good day, our politicians are stupid, lazy, corrupt, and horny. Don't ask about all their other days. The men in charge of the Apollo 11 mission wake up smarter than 99% of us will ever be on our best day.

Plus, the moon landing was relatively simple compared to overhauling the most complex part of our trillion dollar economy. Moon landings are math. Health care is complicated choices, the vagaries of personal habits and genetics, and limited resources.

Lastly, whether or not Neil Armstrong came back to earth as a national hero, or a crispy burnt chicken nugget in a tin can, didn't matter personally to every working person in America. Sure, we'd have been sad. Very sad. But we'd press on. Like after the Challenger disaster.

The cost of botching Apollo 11 was relatively low. Would we be embarrassed as a nation? Maybe. Would we lose some good, good men? Maybe. But in all likelyhood, we'd have a line of even braver men volunteering for the next mission to the moon, because that's how we roll.

And we'd have figured it out.

Good luck on fixing our complex health care system if the Democrats succeed in breaking it totally. Is it perfect now? Hell no. Nobody said that. But government's ability to complete fuck something up, is beyond debate.

Rasmussen Reports said back in February that "voters strongly agree with the perspective that “No matter how bad things are, Congress can always find a way to make them worse.” Fifty-eight percent (58%) share that view, and only 26% disagree."

This was before the $787 StimuFail package, and the now hilarious dog-chasing-his-tail economic policy of "Cash for Clunkers."

So stop the moon landing thing. As an analogy, it blows up on the launch pad. Government didn't put us on the moon, scientists did. And we paid for it anyway.

The Numbers Sometimes Lie, But You Still Have To Listen

Athletes will sometimes scold the fans by saying "It's not all about the numbers."

That usually lasts right up until same athlete produces numbers that he and his agent now claim are the keys to Fort Knox.

Consider the case of Redskins free agent defensive end Andre Carter. David Elfin of the Washington Times has an interesting take on this Dan Snyder purchase that is neither boom nor bust.

Carter defies easy classification on the free agent scorecard.

On the one hand, he's a noticeable liability against the run. He has produced double-digit sacks just once since arriving, and there have been few games where any Redskin fan has raved "Man, Carter is just dominating this game!"

On the other hand, he hasn't missed a game since arriving here, and has been no worse than tied for the team lead in sacks at the end of each year, and the 8th best run defense couldn't have sucked that much with him starting every game last year at defensive end.

Personally, I like Carter. I like his attitude, he sense of responsibility, the fact he won't duck the media, and is cut like a Roman football god. And as far as Danny/Vinny free agent purchases go, he's not even close to being in the Bottom 10.

That being said, I must take exception to this quote from defensive coordinator Greg Blache: "People base success on sacks alone, and that's not what it's about," said Blache, who added that Carter led the team with 16 hurries and was often just a half-step late. "We're trying to make something that's mostly an art into a science. Putting numbers to it just doesn't work. They didn't paint the Mona Lisa by numbers. They didn't paint the Sistine Chapel by numbers. Numbers are for the idiots that can't paint."

In the case of defensive ends in the NFL, I actually DO think it's pretty much all about your ability to get to the quarterback and take him down. Period. Just like a wide receiver's job is to catch the ball and get into the end zone. Period.

Some positions are more nuanced in the NFL, but not defensive end. Get to the damn QB and cause havoc.

Sure, you can't be just a coin-seeking stat whore like Bruce Smith was in his dying days. You have to be CREDIBLE against the run. But few defensive ends in this league brag about themselves as being all about stopping the run. Those guys are called "back ups."

I also realize how freaking hard it is to actually register a sack. With all the pass-ditching-friendly rules in place now, the absurd narrowing of the QB's "strike zone", and advent of shot-gun based West Coast offenses with snap releases, I'm amazed anybody can record 10+ sacks in a year.

But it does happen, and guys that can do it (Jared Allen, Jevon Kearse, et. al.) can pretty much mint their own gold coins.

We shall see what kind of year Carter has this season. Can he go another 16-for-16? Will newcomer Brian Orakpo steal sacks from him, or generate more chances by blitzing from the LB position?

Will Haynesworth's numbers be modest, while Carter's explodes?

In all, a good read, and worthy football "food for thought."

Move Over Carolyn, I'm Ready!

I'm not saying the LPGA Tour is desperate in the wake of shit-canning Commish Carolyn Bivens in mid-season, but somebody tipped me off to the fact that the LPGA has a page where you can submit a RESUME FOR THE JOB on their website.

Hold on, I'm putting the finishing touches on mine. You should have it by close of business. I'll be waiting for that call to set up my follow up interview.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

John Daly: pants act.

Shoots a cool 88 on Friday at the Grand Blanc Pitch N' Putt, which includes a 51 on the front!

Here's Daly's card for Round 2:

1 quint, (on a par 5 no less)
1 quad on a par3
1 triple
2 doubles
2 bogeys
2 birdies

Oh yeah, he was also seen partying at Kid Rock's place this week. Fabulous. Tim Finchem, call your office.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

One last golf snicky for your weekend, somebody send me this cute lil' TwitPic of my girls Paula Creamer and Morgan Pressel at the Evian Masters. Oowww. Sweet.

Cankle Nation

Even though there's a recession going on and un-employment is steaming toward double-digits, thank God America can still obsess about things that are utterly trivial.

Like "cankles."

Apparently, anti-cankle fitness regimes and products are all the rage. For those that don't know what "cankle" is, it's when a person's calf just melts right into their ankle, without any definition.

I believe - although I may be proven wrong - that John Madden gave the world this term, or at least injected it into the pop culture. Writes a message board poster to a Fanhouse article about the "Ground Zero" man with "cankles" Jeff Zgonina...

My favorite Madden moment is when he was spending ten minutes explaining to Pat Summerall what "cankles" were. He started drawing circles around Zgonina's legs. "Ya see... you've got your calf and BOOM! it just goes straight into the foot. It's a calf and an ankle. Cankle. Boom!"

Now plenty of football players have cankles. That much you expect. But what about women? And what can you do about them?

Well, I thought that it was a simple matter of losing some weight, you water buffaloes! But not... so... fast!

Ever seen a SIZE ZERO woman with cankles?

Well... BOOM! Now you have!



Personally, I'm not too worried about my cankles. For one, "teacher arms" and "FUPA's" are much more of a concern on a lady, if you ask me. Also, the dreaded "drawstring upper lip" from too much smoking is quite the turn off.

"Now Batting For the Boston Dandies...."

Sometimes, other people's stuff is just so good, there's no point in trying to steal it, re-write it, or otherwise riff on it.

Just enjoy it.

Me, I'm taking the day off, bitches.

From What Would Tyler Durden Do?..... the writers take on the 51st Hollywood Stars celebrity softball game at Dodger Stadium....

The biggest “stars” on hand were Joel Madden, Rob Lowe and Larry King. Whats that? Yes, yes that’s correct. Larry King. He even went to the plate and somehow his ancient brittle bones didn’t explode into dust when he swung the bat.

Him being there made it look like a reunion game from back before black people were allowed to play. If he had a rookie card it would just been a drawing because pictures were still considered the dark arts, and he’d have mutton chop sideburns and one of those big mustaches that curl up at the end. And it would have been for some insane sounding team that you’ve never fucking heard of. The Boston Dandies, or the Rochester Rowderfoots, or some shit like that.