Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Hey Mate, Thanks For Nothing!
As the Tiger turns. A buddy of mine says he thinks Tiger needs to escape to Elin's new Swedish island home for a full year, to fully atone. He also thinks he should fire everyone. From Stevie Williams on up to the highest ranks of IMG. Then, if after a year of full repentance the marriage still dissolves, then so be it. He tried. Let's play golf.
The internet is full of quasi-funny, or un-funny things. I don't think the following qualifies. This is funny. Enjoy.
LETTER TO TIGER
Ponta Vedra Beach, FL
December 2, 2009
I just wanted to send my condolences about your third “bimbo eruption” in as many days. I am active on the internet, so thank God my cell phone “accidently” fell in the fireplace while I was practicing chipping in the house on Saturday after I saw the first news report while my girlfriend was in the other room. FYI, you can by a “throw away” cell phone at Radio Shack when you are allowed to leave the house (on foot only, I hope).
Please, no more voicemails. Text messages are deniable. You are getting us all in trouble. I understand everyone on the money list up to 130 has had their wife going after their cell phone. Even the over 50 guys are under suspicion due to Viagra. I thought I had fully mentored you and Bill Clinton on how not to get caught based on what I learned from each the six times I’ve been caught.
I just wanted to say that trying to convince the world that Elin was “rescuing” you with a 5-iron was way more chancy than trying to hit it through a tree (90% air?). Damn, you hit the first branch. Even my 12-year old couldn’t buy that one. It was like Phil’s second shot on 18 at Winged Foot. It was so weak it made me feel like my final round with Faldo at Augusta in 1990. I still blame that on the skank waitress from Howard Johnsons that come over Saturday night, with me thinking that a 7 shot lead was good no matter what I did the night before.
I see it will cost you $300 million for your divorce -- slightly over $20 mil per major. Mine was $250 – no prenup – the concept hadn’t made it to Australia when I got married.
I talked to Finchem, and he now thinks that just like Country Club Golf, the Tour will have to have separate tournaments for guys with their wife in the room, and guys with strange in the room. The Spousal Tour and the Strange Tour.
I have never seen your smile as wide as it was in Australia when you had Rachel Uchitel back at the hotel, and now I know why you won the Open in San Diego and do so well in Vegas. But dammit, I told you women were easy in the Aus, and you had to go and take a roadie with you from New York.
Easiest and quickest money Gloria Allred ever made.
So much for privacy. You have destroyed easy pussy on the tour.