Monday, June 28, 2010

The Kingsford Company is Full of S***!


Greetings from vacation, oh ye Czabe readers! I am coming to you from an undisclosed location in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, where this is possibly the worst place ever to spend a week on a beach vacation.

I mean, the worst. Nah, nothing to see here, folks, run along. Awful beaches. Terrible. Crowded. Yuck. Steer clear. Wouldn't recommend it.

Ahem. Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, the Kingsford Company. These assholes should be hauled before Congress, and promptly frog-marched in handcuffs and leg irons into jail for false advertising, and complete bullshittery.

"Match Light" charcoal.

Fucking, sure.

Because our rented beach house has both a propane powered gas grill (works perfectly, and quickly, and cleanly) and a big old clunky black charcoal pedestal grill (not so much) I decided to go "old school" tonite in honor of my radio partner Andy Pollin.

Andy, as many of you listeners know, has loudly espoused the virtues of true charcoal grilling. Claims you can taste the difference in the meat. Says it's not that big of a deal, vs. a gas grill. Just a little extra work.

Whatever.

I say, "you want flavor? I got 50 bottles of flavor at the grocery store."

Somebody probably even sells a spray or marinade that specifically mimics the charcoal "flavor".

Without the hassle.

But since I had some time, I said what the hell, let's get nuts. Lets do the charcoal. Which is when it dawned on me, that grilling with charcoal is not unlike writing letters with a hand-dipped ink pen.

If that's the only pen I had, I suppose I could make do. But if you had a Papermate GelWriter sitting right next to it, I'm not going to grab the Mont Blanc Meisterst├╝ck 149 fountain pen (invented: 1924).

I'm gonna grab the Papermate GelWriter and get on with it.

But charcoal grillers are showoffs and braggarts who are the same type of people who insist formal letter writing can only be done with a fountain pen, and that the quality of strokes is unique and exquisite, and blah, blah, blah.. fuck you.

Mind you, charcoal has it's place. Wherever you can't physically bring a can of propane and a proper grill, charcoal will have to do. So tailgates, camping, and so on, you are excused from this rant.

I have one simple message for everybody out there who has the stupid, idiotic, notion that grilling some meat with good ol' fashioned charcoal briquettes would be a good idea.

It is not.

And the Kingsford Company can go shove their ... ahem... "Match Light"... briquettes up their asses and squeeze until they start crapping out diamonds.

The package has simple easy instructions.

I call them: lies.

Step 1: Put briquettes in a pyramid.
Step 2: Light with match, in several places.
Step 3: After 10 minutes, spread coals and cook.

Ready in 10 minutes? My.... fucking.... ass!

The package did not say anything about windy conditions. When it should have said: "Oh, are you anywhere near the ocean? If so, get bent. These won't light even if you have a welders torch."

I suppose their fancy "match light" charcoal manages to light in perfect, laboratory conditions. And I suppose it is "ready" in 10 minutes to perhaps, melt marshmallows for smores.

But to actually cook meat? Child, please.

So after using a beach umbrella to shield the wind, and after using newspapers to burn under the supposedly match ignitable chemical cooking rocks, and after maybe 45 minutes.... I had enough heat to perhaps put a few cooking stripes on an Oscar Meyer weiner.

Luckily, I had the gas grill to my right, and fired that sucker up, got the chicken and brats done, and let the half bag of Kingsford die a slow death.

You know why "match light" charcoal is a fraud?

Because they still sell lighter fluid.

I know, I saw it in the same grocery store aisle where I bought the Kingsford. Well, isn't that odd, I thought? If this charcoal just JUMPS TO FLAME with the mere touch of a match, then why the hell would they still stock and sell lighter fluid capable of flash-singeing your eyebrows?

I looked online at a grilling supply website. And guess what? They still sell those giant metal coffee mugs designed to get coals burning quickly.

Well, lah dee dah, Kingsford. I would have guessed that you would have buried every other charcoal company by now, with your fancypants "match light" charcoal. How come that hasn't happened?

Because Kingsford hasn't put every other charcoal company out of fucking business by now.

Because they are lying fuckers.

Gas grill + marinades + spices = go fuck yourself Kingsford.

End of rant.





As you were, soldiers.

29 comments:

  1. Come on Czabe....tell us what you really think! Drop the kingsford and go to Kelly's Outer Banks Tavern in Nags Head. You'll thank me later.

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  2. Newspaper and cooking oil (olive oil - light flavored variety is bestl). Works like a champ

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  3. Best post ever...
    Charcoal blows - although I do like the aroma and flavor of hardwood charcoal. It's just not worth the effort and uneven cooking. Plus you need the skill and talent of a sommelier to work with the crap.

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  4. Czabe, spend $15 and get a chimney starter and some lump hardwood charcoal. Put some newspaper in the bottom, wait ten minutes, and dump it into the grill bed. I use a chimney starter whenever I need to use charcoal. It works like a charm.

    Kingsford is garbage. Get lump hardwood charcoal.

    Or get a portable Weber Q-series grill to bring down to the beach that uses little propane cylinders. The grill will set you back about $150-200, but you can use it for tailgating as well. Easy to clean and it even fits in my Honda Accord trunk, plus a cooler and seating for four people.

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  5. I agree, Kingsford SUCKS!! I use hardwood charcoal. LOVE the flavor, need some skill to get an even cook, but after 10 years of grilling expertise I don't mind.

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  6. about an hour and 1/2 a can of fluid to cook on.....then they burn for 6 hours. Still, better tahn gas

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  7. Hey aespen....get skills....delicious food

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  8. If not, put on your George Foreman Grill. Let the real men enjoy cooking outdoors.

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  9. CZABE..... get back on XM.....I want to tell you where I'm at and what I'm haulin.

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  10. love the rant czabe- enjoy your vacation. Get back on the air in time for football...

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  11. Kingsford = CRAP! Coal dust bound together with parafin and a host of chemicals. As Alton Brown might say, "not good eats!" Hardwood lump charcoal with a chimney starter, fueled by a sheet or two of newspaper sprayed with cooking oil, and you are have 500+ degree coals in less than 15 minutes. Do I prefer gas? Yes, especially when I grill during the week, but if we have friends over on the weekend and we are just hanging around for the afternoon or evening charcoal is king.

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  12. That bag saying 10 minutes is like Barney Frank saying that the housing market was in good shape on the leprechaun's show a few years back. Took me 30 minutes to get my charcoal going. They ARE lying F#$@s.

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  13. If ya gotta bitch about sumpin, it mitass well be dis!

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  14. I live in Korea, and the sell cheap quality charcoal that lights with cigarette lighter within a couple seconds like a champ. It comes in funny shapes but works great for charcoal flavor.(some in circular bricks, others in maybe 1.5 inch tube shape) The koreans don't have a lot figured out but quick lighting charcoal is in their wheelhouse. I wonder why theirs lights so easy and ours often is such a pain?

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  15. yep- chimney starter=hot coals even in a hurricane

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  16. Czaban, this blog post is a disgrace. I've lost all respect. Match Light is far from the best stuff to cook on -- I will only buy it if on vacation and don't have my chimney starter with me -- but you people are f'ing retarded if you can't get it to light.

    Propane and propane accessories are fine too, but only under the following circumstances:
    - weeknights when you don't have time to let the charcoal chimbley do it's thing
    - when your charcoal grill's full and you need more space
    - or your wife's cooking

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  17. Someone forgot their balls at their house when they left for vacation.

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  18. Czabe, the grilling geeks (I'm aspiring to be one) may jump on you for this post due to the fact that it could be construed as anti-charcoal. But you're right about the Kingsford brand, from what I know.
    You want natural lump charcoal. And if you have a kamado grill (i.e. Big Green Egg), so much the better...now THAT'S some good eatin. But for the record, I use a 5-burner VC (Vermont Castings) propane grill for most of my 'normal' grilling, it's very good if you don't get all crazy and cook everything on High. It's just that it's hard to substitute for that charcoal quality and taste for some items.

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  19. I agree 100% with the post about a chimney starter. Charcoal tastes much better than gas, and the chimney starter is absolutely idiotproof. Even Stephen A Smith could use it.

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  20. Charcol is for chumps. Nothing better for a civilized man than a good gas grill. starts quick - high heat - no mess. Pros use gas and make it work.

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  21. First off:

    Aespen: a sommelier is a wine steward, you fucking moron.

    and

    Czabe: everyone our age knows, it's O-S-C-A-R M-A-Y-E-R (cuz Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A) c'mon. It's right after the School House Rock commercial on Saturday morning.

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  22. charcoal is the equivlent of rowing your boat shore. using charcoal rather than the propane grill next to you is the equivalent of rowing a powerboat to shore rather than starting the engine. Fucking stupid.

    You should know how to use charcoal in case of emergencies (or tailgates etc) but that's it.

    all the guys who tell you about how great it is are the guys that are the hooked blow hards that are still churning their own butter cause it tastes better.

    go to a cookout and watch one of these guys get the dirty looks from his old lady while the kids are screaming and the wind just blew out the coals (again) kick back and enjoy the show. You'd be able to sell this monkey a $1000 weber when she's done with him.

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  23. just don't use butane. it's a bastard gas.

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  24. Morons that use a gas grill should put their skirts on and use the stove. After all, a gas "grill" is just a stove on the patio.

    Pussies and women cook with that.

    Anyone that can't make fire is a total moron and should just go back to their city life, get a manny and a pedi, and leave the man work to the real men.

    All I need is a Webber Kettle, a bag of coals (any will do, but in my experience Kingsford's regular is the tops) and a few matches and I can cook anything for hours.

    Steve, turn in your f-ing man card, watch some soccer, and have a nice glass of wine, you bitch.

    LOL.

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  25. If you want to cook on gas, stay inside and leave the real grilling to the pros.

    I only use Match Light during the work week and then a chimney starter on the weekends and they both work great.

    I agree, gas is more convenient. But I grew up helping my dad cook on charcoal, and waiting for the coals to get ready is just part of the process. Have a cocktail while the coals are getting ready and then start the cooking.

    Czabe, I normally agree with you, but this time I don't. Enjoy your vacation and looking forward to hearing you back on Bob and Brian.

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  26. I agree, gas is for pussies & women; charcoal is for girlie men. The ONLY FUCKING THING to use when wanting the best flavor (and not needing a reason to bitch about how long it takes) is WOOD, specifically mesquite or hickory. If you want it fast, put your meat in the fucking microwave; if you want it the way men were meant to eat meat, it's wood all the way.

    Jeez, Czabe, you sound as much fun on vacation as Steven A.

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  27. I don't know how you can come from the mean streets of mclean and not know about a chimney starter or hardwood charcoal. We, the true McLean hoods, know about this stuff. Impostor. You are sounding like you were reared in chantucky.

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