Friday, February 3, 2012

The "Thrust Rule" Super Bowl

Everybody who hates the Giants and Patriots, raise your hands.

Everybody who hates the sporting fan bases of New York and Boston, raise your other hand.

Okay, I've got bad news. One of them has to win on Sunday.

I know, I know. It's like being told you are going to have to either chug a gallon of Snooki's underpit juice, or be forced to spoon with a female contestant on the "Biggest Loser."

It ain't gonna be pleasant.

And because it's considered "wrong" and "politically incorrect" to root for "roof collapse" on Sunday during the big game, I have the only possible satisfying outcome to this game.

I'm hoping for the most disgusting, boring, lurching, painful, ugly Super Bowl game you have ever seen. Think of a Scotty Pippen love child with Cynthia Nixon.

I want a 3-3 game through regulation. I want 27 punts, 6 turnovers, and about 11 instant replay reviews that take forever and none of them result in an overturned call.

Then I want the overtime. I want the stupid new format to somehow get screwed up. I want overtime to drone on. I want missed field goals.

I want this game to be so awful, that Americans are cursing both teams come Monday morning.

Then I want the game to end in a way that is totally un-satisfying to both teams, regardless of winner. Hmm, I'm thinking I'd like to see the Patriots win 5-3 on a controversial safety that goes to a booth review. A play where it looks for sure, like it is NOT a safety, but then referee John Parry comes on the mic and announces that the "Thrust Rule" was applied, and therefore, game over, Patriots win.

What's the "Thrust Rule?" Nobody will know, of course. It'll be some bullshit rule that exists only in the deep fine print bowels of the NFL's full rulebook. A rulebook, which I must note, the league STILL refuses to publish openly on-line at their own site

(Note: you can get this "Official" rulebook on-line, but the links are backdoor links taken from behind media access firewalls. The "public consumption" rulebook on-line, is a mere "summary" of the overly complex full rulebook.)

So the Patriots will "win" but by a lame-o score of 5-3, in an painfully long and boring game, and only because of the "Thrust Rule." This will bookend their other big gift, the "Tuck Rule" game and forever torment Patriot fans who have to take shit from every other NFL fan about the quasi-legitimacy of their championship.

The Giants of course, and their fans, will feel rightfully cheated. And forever wail to the full moon about getting screwed.

It would be the only redemptive outcome of this game, short of that proverbial roof collapse which we are not allowed to root for, for obvious humanitarian reasons.

Sadly, I am doubtful this will happen. The game will likely be pretty good. Because these teams are pretty good. And their organizations are pretty damn smart, and steady. Which is another reason why many of us hate them.

If you are a Giant or Patriot fan, wear our envious hate like a badge of honor.

The Patriots had a defense that was fried shit-on-a-stick this year, and all they did was go 13-3 and make this game. Amazing. If the Pats win, it'll mean a 7th parade in Boston since 2002. SEVEN! Eat crap.

The Giants were LEFT FOR DEAD in Dallas in Week 14. At 6-7, they were down 12 with 5:31 to play. And all they did, was rally to score 2TDs, a 2 PT conversion, and block a potential game tying kick to beat the NFL grim reaper and get up off the operating table

They not only haven't lost since, they've been pretty much dominant. Amazing. And if they win, every mouthy Giant player who had little to do with the team's winning this year (I'm looking at YOU, Brandon Jacobs) will  fan out to all the requisite TV shows for the next month as guests.

Jealous? Of course. But screw ya'll both.

My pick? Like Jimmy Masterlock Dugans. Giants +3. Under 54.

Here's to Texans-Lions in 2013!


  1. I would be first responding on said roof collapse. Really, really, REALLY cheering against that outcome....

  2. Whatever. It's all about you isn't it? Grow the fuck up.

  3. There was a massive structural collapse at a concert event in Indianapolis a few months ago. Dozens injured, seven killed. I love your content because you're not so obsessed with trying to never stray from the p.c. path, but "roof collapse" probably wasn't the appropriate wisecrack in this situation.

  4. Loved the collumn. Screw the PC, even with the "too soon?" roof collapse comment. One thing, though. Boston has already had 7 parades since Jan 2002. 3 Pats, 2 Sox, 1 Celts, 1 Bruins.