Sunday, November 8, 2009

Put On Your Zorn Face, Skins Fans

“Look, we lost the game today. I GET that.”

- Jim Zorn, pumping the breaks on his selective post game enthusiasm over what went “right” in the Skins 31-17 loss to the Falcons.

Okay then, that's a start. He does “get it” that losing is bad. We can build from here.

But there's a ton of work still left.

Where to start?

Well, let's start with Zorn. Is it me, or does watching him on the sidelines make you cringe? I mean, I have never, ever, ever, seen an NFL coach who has been so thoroughly drained of “coaching life force” like this.

Sure, I've seen awful coaches, who were almost CERTAIN that they were soon to be fired.

But they still stalked the sidelines, ranting, raving, tilting at imaginary windmills and yelling at the refs on occasion.

Zorn? It's surreal. Nothing.

In fact, he has what I am simply going to call from now on: “Zorn Face.”

Zorn Face: adj. - A facial expression of false interest, concern, or thoughtfulness. Usually highlighted by a steadily furrowed forehead. Used to conceal the fact that you really don't give a crap either way, since you get paid the same just to stand there.

(Example: “You know, Bill, that all-staff meeting on email etiquette was a real waste of time. Still, I just put on my “Zorn Face” and made it look like I was totally engaged.”)

That said, there's only three things I see wrong with this team.

1.They aren't that talented.
2.They don't play very hard.
3.They have poor or non-existent coaching.

Other than that.....

Has anybody else noticed that the guys who keep saying “we've got talent here...” are the guys with the biggest contracts? Haynesworth, Portis, Hall...

Zorn told Sonny on the post-game show that he was “impressed” with how his defense “popped” Michael Turner a few times. Sonny, non-plussed, then said: “Yeah coach, but 168 yards....” Parried Zorn: “But most of that was just on two runs....” Right. Let me say it one more time: THOSE YARDS GET CHARGED TO YOUR ROOM TOO, UPON CHECK OUT!

Is the running attack better – at this point – without Clinton Portis? Well, duh, yeah. But only marginally. Betts gives a quicker chop-chop with his legs through the hole, but he's only a slight upgrade over CP. Plus, just look at the line...

Speaking of..... how great is it (insert sarcasm before “great”) that our line now includes... Mike Williams (plucked off Derrick Dockery's couch at 410 pounds with 2 years of rust), Will Montgomery (who is only playing because 3rd round pick Chad Reinhardt is a total bust), and former Bossier-Shreveport Battle Wings and Edmonton Eskimo D'Anthony Batiste. Fun times!

PS: Center Casey Rabach can't play anymore. Pssst. Keep it quiet. We've got 8 games left still.

This great defense we have, once again failed to produce a score. The last DFT for the Skins came in 2007! For perspective, consider this: the Saints have 5 pick six's this year alone! You would need to go back to the Lavar Arrington pick-six against Carolina that turned around the one Marty year to cover the last 6 skins pick-sixes.

Albert Haynesworth came off the bye week and promptly committed an off-sides penalty. Added another one when Matt Ryan all but shouted out: “Let's make the fat kid jump!” Fabulous.

People say this team is “un-disciplined.” Well, yeah. No players ever get ripped by the coaches. No players ever get benched by the coaches. No players ever get cut from the team. (Okay, they benched Horton, and cut Mason. Otherwise, have fun boys!)

The first snagged fabric of the Magicolor Dreamcoat that is the “Bingo Lewis” Offensive Play-Calling Relay Team has appeared. Near the goal line, you could see Zorn mouth the words “I wanted to throw” when they ran. Later, they called timeout on 4th and 1 inch (waste) and threw un-successfully to Mike Sellers. When asked, Zorn said: “Stump Mitchell designed the play, Sherm Lewis called it. And I made the decision to go for it.” With costume credit to Angela Silverstein, script enhancement by Bert Rossman..... They showed Zorn on the sidelines right after that. Zorn Face. I really wanted him to sheepishly point his finger up in the air. Psst. Sherm's call. Not me.

How is DeAngelo Hall working out for Redskins fans? Uh huh. Not like I didn't try to warn everybody. Aside from his crap tackling, he's really not shutting guys down either. His team-hi three picks included two pop-ups off deflections.

LaRon Landry is regressing. That is sad. He was one of my favorite players. I think back to how insanely devastating he and Sean Taylor were together. He seems lost now. One caller said on the post-game show, that ever since the opening night trucking he took from Brandon Jacobs in 2008, Landry hasn't been the same. Hmm. Interesting theory.

The fake coaching, and weekly mini-dramas begin continue with Denver coming to town Sunday. Should be fun.


  1. Good read. "Lets make the fat kid jump"? Are you not concerned that the next time you visit the park he pummels you like the sasquatch pummels that dude in the beef jerky commercial?

  2. Albert's job is to push whoever is in front of him as hard as he can toward where the ball is. Not to figure out complex things like on fourth down sometimes the offense doesn't really want to run a play. They're just trying to make you jump off sides.

    Sure, it seemed obvious to the rest of us when the Quarterback made adjustments to the play 10 seconds after the offense was set and the defense hadn't moved, but, we didn't have our head smacked 15 times in the last hour or so.

    I have to admit, I watched yesterdays game, not in the hope the skins would somehow win, I knew that would never occur, but to see how bad things would get. The skins actually played a good 3rd quarter. I think it had more to do with Atlanta taking the quarter off than anything else, but still.

    I think Zorn wants the team to fail, particularly on offense. I don't blame him. I would feel the same way. Upper management made it so. Zorn only has to pretend to care for 8 more games at the most. I think he can pull it off.

  3. Zorn face has nothing on the Romeo Crennel face. Romeo Crennel was certain to be fired and never so much as raised his voice...or an eyebrow...or talked...or blinked. One of the questions most often talked about on Cleveland sports radio was whether or not his headset was actually connected to anything or if it was just for show.

    Just Google it, you'll get a good idea.

  4. Czabe, I think that "Zorn" should be a verb. Zorn, v., to be so royally screwed in public by your employer in such a way that you know and everyone else around you and everyone else in the entire fucking world knows you are a dead man walking but some perverse desire to keep paychecks coming in overrides one's own sense of pride. When used in conversation:

    Jim: "Corporate is bringing in a new guy. I'm supposed to show him the ropes, then we'll be co-managers of this location"

    Bob: "Oh man, you are so zorned."