Thursday, July 8, 2010

Because These Shows Don't Come Around More Than Once Every 20 Years

Face it, you're gonna watch tonite. For the train wreck quality alone. You'll watch. Sure, it's stupid-on-stilts, but its like those donkey-dive-stunts from the 40's.

Why the f would anybody push a mule off a board into a pool of water?

Because it's not something you see every day!

So tonite, Lebron James is going to grab a baseball hat one second, and immediately spike a 500% surge in season ticket prices in another city the next.

It shall be televised on ESPN.

What, did you think Versus was in the running on this one?

If you are trying to flowchart or score all the journalistic conflicts and problems with ESPN on this one, stop. Just stop.

It would be easier to count the exact number of highlights in ESPN's "Final Cavs Lebron Highlight Package". I think the thing went about 4 minutes, and had somewhere easily north of 100 different dunks, blocks, chalk-volcanoes and fake photo-poses.

Overkill. Duh. It's what ESPN does best. And Phil Mushnick takes the biggest bat to this pinata.

A one-hour show for James to announce his new kingdom?

If he doesn't re-sign with Cleveland, it will take only 10 minutes for the price gouging to kick in.

Does ESPN already know James' new team?

Doesn't much matter; ESPN outlets took good care of that yesterday, suggesting that James will sign with five or six NBA teams and one or two in the American Hockey League. It bet every horse in the race; it has the winning ticket.

In the throes of a drought, it's worth remembering that crops die from over-watering, too. That's what ESPN does -- it saturates; it drowns nearly everything it touches in excess. It specialized in root rot; root rot in inevitable.

Yup, ESPN is the perfect place for the consolidation of Too Much and That's Enough. Tonight will be like the gold spike driven to complete the trans-continental railroads. Don't miss it. But who will? We'll try anything, at least once.

Read more:

We are now just hours before the big reveal, and let me get on record with one last prediction. Shocker: he does go to NY, and the Miami rumors were just an orchestrated ruse, approved of by his buddies Wade and Bosh.

Think of it. If this guy went to such lengths to orchestrate a show of this magnitude, then why not go all the way and orchestrate one final little white lie to make the WOW factor even more WOWY when it goes down?

Bron: Knick. Book it.


  1. I, for one, won't be watching. I'm as excited about watching this as I would be for a marathon showing of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians." Fuck LeBron, his 'decision," and his sponsors. Fuck each and every one of them. I will do my best not to patronize the sponsors of this travashamockery. FUCK HIM.

  2. Honestly....tell us what you really think Crotalus!!

  3. High school graduate plays basketball well. Makes hundreds of millions of dollars. Let's suffer through listening to him try to speak in public. Feel uncomfortable as you hope he doesn't sound like the complete idiot that he is. Shake your head as you realize you have spent the last 90 minutes watching ESPN and this craptastic TV show.
    Where are the PR guys for Tiger Woods and Lebron James? Lebron is on TV wearing a red&white checkered picnic basket liner shirt? WTF?????

  4. Lebron is licking his lips more than LL Cool J.

  5. Good night, Cleveland. It was a good run.

  6. This is less predictible than an episode of The Flintstones. There is a couple scenarios that need to play out however.
    Who challenges the Lakers in the West? Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge? OKC? 'Melo? Western Conference Finals Game 6 or 7 with the Lakers pushed to the edge. Kobe finds a way to mug and chest thump and make the Finals. It doesn't matter that it's Gasol, D-Fish, or Artest that rescues the 7-24 shooting night from His Arrogance. Four straight Finals.
    The East depends on sentiment. Old Celtics that made it despite, or the Heat that made it because. What will te Commish (Lo-Def) decide? The bracket will decide who faces the Magic(if Lo-Def decrees). The commish then has to decide who is worth more. That's who makes it from the East.
    Kobe wins this year, LeBron/Wade push it to 7 games. Same thing next year. 2012 becomes the 'Can Kobe pass Jordan' year. Will he leave? Blah, blah blah.
    No one cares.....burnedout Nolan in the 435

  7. Well you were wrong Czabe but that is ok. Even you can't be right 100% of the time. I'm sure it's a sad day in Cleveland. I can't really imagine what they are feeling except to try to imagine what it would be like if , God forbid, Peyton were to ever leave Indy. It would be an unspeakable atrocity somewhere along the lines of "Oh the humanity!". Anyway, I'm sure the new dream team will be fun to watch...

  8. Didn't watch, 2 things though...

    1 - If it isn't about the money (as every apologist is saying this morning) and only about winning, why didn't he take less in Cleveland so they could get him one more player to win there. The only way to become a "Global Icon" is to win where you are, not to run to were someone else will win for you.

    Which leads me to...

    2 - Why is this all about LeBron(!) and not about how Wade has gotten the Heat to get HIM the pieces he needs to RETURN to the winner's circle. I mean, he does have a ring and the Heat is his team. He's the winner, James is the quitter, right?

  9. Now us Laker fans don't have to worry about Kobe and Phil being 'bored' next year!! O'brien #17 comin' up!!!