Friday, July 2, 2010

"Unacceptably Stupid"

Before we know it, the World Cup will be packed up and bubble wrapped for another four years, and I don't want to miss the chance for one last swift corner kick to the sport's unprotected gonads.

Especially not before other summertime events overtake people's give-a-shit-sports-meter. Things like: how Lebron is going to afford penthouses for his whole crew in NYC. Or what does Elin buy FIRST with her 9-figure go-away-and-die money from Tiger.

When I last left commenting on soccer in this space, the United States had merely been robbed of a spectacular game winning goal by a referee who - to this day - only explained his call by shrugging his shoulders and giving a look like the guy who is out of jetski rentals on a Jamaican beach.

If that wasn't stupid enough, more dumb shit went down since then, that further buttressed my contention that this sport just can't survive American style professional fandom.

And we'll even leave OUT, the gutless squids known as the French national team. Stay on strike, Pierre. It's what you guys do best.

Now, where was I?

Ah yes, stupid.

It is patently stupid to have an elimination game, go into 30 minutes of "over-time" and yet, NOT make that OT sudden death. Ridiculous. Ghana's goal, while exciting for a brief moment, came so early in extra time, that what should have been a jubilant moment for all time in that nation, instead got the ol' wet blanket of "hey, wait, still almost half a game left here, fellas!"

It is also patently stupid to have a single referee attempt to administer to a field that large, and with 22 guys running around, and have him be the only guy to rule on goal-line scoring plays. One guy, can't do this job. Period. And FIFA's bullheadedness on refusing to use instant replay in any capacity for World Cup games, remains just one notch below the BCS on the global sports stupid index.

It is stupid, how players act to fake injury. It's insulting on every level. The Ghana guy who lay on the ground against us for like a minute, and stopped play. Only then to get carried off on a stretcher, and then POP! "I'm fine!" Haha! Soccer commentators say sternly, they have to "clean this up." Well, I've been hearing that forever. It's not going to be cleaned up. Not when you have (see above) 1 dude running the whole game from endline to endline! I hope that guy's village in Ghana gets overtaken by a severe strain of bovine herpes powerful enough to make fruit break out in open sores. You dick.

Finally, it is stupid to make huge pronouncements and judgements on results in a single tournament that - most of the time - hinges on nothing but pure luck. The Brits are in a snit, because of the 2nd half pounding by Germany. But they also got hosed on a horrible call, and against the Yanks their goalie went all Bill Buckner on them and cost the team a win.

Yet I've been reading about British soccer bellyaching, and it's completely absurd. Forget about the no-goal vs. Germany. Go back to the US game, and make that a win. Then England is top-dog in the group, they get the easier draw, and if they beat Ghana 1-nil, then lose to The Netherlands 1-nil, every Nigel in the UK can say: "Eh, chap. Good effort by the Three Lions, all-in-all, eh?"

Meanwhile, I was amused to read about how our coach, ol' Coach Bradley, was in limbo because a) Had they not made it out of group play, he surely would have been fired. Yet, b) because they actually won their group, it made the decision harder. And because they only lost to Ghana 2-1 in OT, you can't really make an easy call.

Or something like that.

Stupid. Just stupid. Fact of the matter, is Bradley is 1 goal either way of being either Rodney Dangerfield in "Ladybugs" or... um... or... the Greatest Coach In World Cup History! (Whomever that is. Help me here, people.)

All of it, is just unacceptably stupid to American sports fans. We wouldn't stand for any of this, and we don't. We change rules, we add refs, we bolt cameras in places they need to be bolted so we can make sure a championship isn't handed out on a ref's whoopsie.

And our coaches, hell, even incompetent boobs like Jim Zorn get 32 full games to prove they suck. Prove it! And he wasn't one-touchdown either way of looking awesome or stupid. He proved it.

But in the end, I have no problem with this event every 4 years. It remains a colorful, multi-national trainwreck that kind of wins you over as a casual fan.

But like the fat chick slumpbuster you brought home in college. When it's over, you just say: "Now, get out."


  1. "It's stupid..." how people keep bashing the game time after time. When is enough, enough? Some of your points are valid for sure (and changes could and should be made), but how many times do we need to hear them? We get it already. Until FIFA decides to do something, nothing will happen. Say your piece and move on. The bashing the game rants are so 1990's. To continue to make these rants put you in the minority now. No offense Czabe, but "I'm so done with..." you rants on soccer. They have their place, but that place continues to grow smaller.

  2. So cairo.....Stop reading or stop listening to his rants. I'm sick of the minority in our country, soccer fans, trying to stuff this sport down out throats and then getting upset because we do not like it. I'm told I just do not understand it or not cultured enough...give me a break. I love baseball but I don't throw a fit when someone tells me that its too slow for them or they just don't like it. I move on with my day and life...just like you should.

  3. Keep the rants coming. Soccer is by far the most popular sport in the world and it needs to be exposed and questioned why that is.

    I couldn't agree more with the overtime thing. I was watching the US overtime game and was like "WTF?" when the kept playing after the "extra time" goal. All you are doing by keep playing is subjecting the game to end with penalty kicks again, something you should try to avoid at all costs. Stupid.

    And the whole clock thing baffles me. Basically the game ends when the ref feels like it should. It is weird.

  4. Soccer sucks, period. The clock: when one of these "elite athletes" gets "injured" (and by injured, I mean that he's playing on a heavy flow day) STOP THE DAMN CLOCK! How hard was that? Make it 90 minutes of mind-numbingly boring play, but at least we all know the true game clock, not some bullshit referee's added time. I've tried to watch, I really have, but I just can't do it.

  5. Firstly, the amount of people who religiously play and follow soccer worldwide, is a testament to it's importance and quality as a sport. All in all it's near the top in terms of athleticism, emotion, excitement, beauty, agony, etc.

    Having said that, I think you hit the nail on the head with all the things that are funky about soccer. I think the main problem with soccer is it's to deeply entrenched in traditions. It's part of the soccer culture to protect the traditional simplicity of the game. Even hardcore fans who deep down know these horrible missed calls & men rolling on the ground like children are ruining soccer, will chalk it up to "that's our game and we're not gonna change it"

    Another good point was made about the post-elimination bashing of a team and it's coach. It's just another tradition, and it happens every World Cup. Anyone who's played or watched soccer ,even for a short time, knows how fine the line is between winning and losing. The US had a great World Cup with gutsy performances IN EACH game. They got beaten by a very good Ghana team in a close match. Still everyone feels obliged to retreat into the traditional game of "fire the coach/what's wrong with our program"

  6. Soccer is stupid. And it sux.

  7. What really sucks is that a stadium was full for the Alabama spring game, ESPN televised it, and it was on as a RERUN the other night. And I watched the darn thing! (And I'm a VA Tech fan - but heck, it was football).
    You can't get that kind of turnout or coverage for even pro. soccer in the U.S., we just like "our" football.

  8. The real reason soccer is a world wide sport is that any 3rd world, donkey infested, county can play the sport. Think about it. All you need is a nice big open field, without land minds of course, and a small ball. Thats it.

  9. It's stupid. Soccer is the sport of despots, dictators and assorted Euro-trash. Face it, it's a third world sport. Americans will never give it more than a passing look see.

  10. Go back where you belong for another 4 years, soccer. Back to the TV's of pretentious snob liberals and playgrounds of 12 year old girls.

  11. "Soccer was a game for French women while their husbands dawned an apron and fixed dinner" Hank Hill...King of the Hill

  12. 卡爾.桑得柏:「除非先有夢,否則一切皆不成。」共勉!............................................................

  13. The "soccer is a 3rd world sport" argument is hilariously much talent does MLB get from assorted economic trash heaps in the Caribbean and Central/South America? Is baseball a third world sport? The four teams left in the World Cup - Netherlands, Spain, Germany, and Uruguay - yeah, not really "third world" countries. Not a huge soccer fan, but this argument just plain sucks.

  14. Czabe - I don't understand your dislike of soccer.

    What's not to like about a sport that you don't know when the game is actually going to end?

    What's not to like about having 23 players on your roster and then only allowing 3 subs?

    What's not to like about a defender being slow of foot or out of position and being able to just stop and raise his hand and prevent the other team from scoring?

    What's not to like about faking injuries like a WWE wrestler?

    What's not to like about having a third world country ref not know the difference between a penalty and a UN bread line?

    What's not to like about acquiring a penalty in consecutive games and having to sit out the next game?

    and finally....

    What's not to like about quitting the game when tied and have the equivalent of a field goal-off to decide the winner?

    On second thought, Czabe.........FUCK SOCCER!