Wednesday, November 20, 2013

If Tony Soprano Ran The Dolphins, Here's How It Would Go Down

I think I've finally had it with this Jonathan Martin vs. Richie Incognito bullying case.

Took me a while. But the simmer has now blown my lid right off the pot.

It's not that Martin is a mommy-clinging-thumb-sucking soft-tard for how he tattled on Incognito.

Although he might be.

It's not that Incognito is a certified psychopath, almost certain to be arrested, broke, or both about 10 minutes after he's out of the NFL. Or that he went way way waaaay over the line with Martin in particular.

Although he might have.

No, what's enough to make you want to throw an oversized ashtray through Roger Goodell's glass-case collection of NFL mini-helmets is the fact that this thing is taking way too long untangle and put to bed.

Did you know, there are now TWO separate investigations?

Two. The NFL's and the NFLPA's.

Martin left the Dolphins on October 28th. Incognito was suspended November 3rd.

Thanksgiving is next week, and we aren't even a country fucking mile from wrapping this thing up and getting on with the business of high level, professional, tackle football.

And now the league's hand-picked ESPN mouthpieces like Mort and Shefter, are talking about.... sorry for yelling here but...... "WHAT PUNISHMENT GOODELL MIGHT IMPOSE WHEN THE TED WELLS REPORT IS FINISHED!"

Punishment from the league? Against the Dolphins?

They've been "punished" enough by how they handled this. They are down two starting lineman for the equivalent of a card game that went sideways and some dick jokes. The Dolphins basically flushed what was left of their season!

To channel my inner Jim Mora: "Punishments? Puh-puh-puh-PUNISHMENTS?"

But then again, this is what this league has become under Goodell: a thoroughly unlikeable corporate drone-hive of assholes in suits.

Oh, that, and they football on Sundays.

In 2013 it's all lawyers, lawsuits, and "special investigations." I almost yearn for the days when Goodell would take Spygate VCR tapes and throw them in his personal incinerator behind his desk, clip a team and a coach for quarter-million or two, and tell them to knock it the fuck off.

Done and done.

I yearn for the days of rogue owners that would threaten to do whatever the hell they wanted, and dared the league to say even lift an eyebrow. The "league" once existed to keep basic order amongst the separate franchises, run the draft, bang the TV networks for money and to set the schedule.

That's it.

If Al Davis wanted to drive the Raiders back and forth between Oakland and L.A. on every odd-numbered year, that was on him. Good luck, Al.

Bountygate was a case where the NFL essentially STOLE an entire possible championship season from Tom Benson, with a QB in his tender prime, defrauded a whole fan base with absurdly trumped up allegations - and Benson just took it all... LIKE A BITCH.

This league......

The Dolphins should have had this Martin thing handled in a week - tops.

It should have gone something like this.

Dolphins to NFL. "Stand down, we got this."
Dolphins to Martin. "Okay, kid what's the matter?"

If Martin says "talk to my lawyers" you tell him this: "Kid, we own your rights. You'll play for us, or nobody. Now tell us what happened, and what do you want us to do about it?"

If he says Incognito strong armed him for $15k for a Vegas trip he wanted no part of and rode his ass too hard in the locker-room, you tell Martin:

"Okay, kid. We're gonna make it right. Richie's gonna pay you back the $15k for Vegas, and another $15k for being an asshole. He's going to apologize to you, and apologize in public for getting a little carried away. You two hug like men, and the guys will only jump your ass when you are missing blocks."

If Incognito balks at this solution, remind him of the golf course groping lawsuit they swept under the rug, and ask him to think long and hard about how many other teams will want to sign him when the "full Richie file" gets accidentally emailed to Deadspin. "Ooops."

And if Martin doesn't want to play ball, and instead says he and his lawyer mommy are gonna sue the Dolphins, tell him: "Okay, bud. Nice career. Short, but nice. Good luck over the next 5-7 years, because that's how long it'll take. Even if we lose, we've written down more bad debt in one day than what your case will cost."

Then you re-instate Incognito, with a warning of "less asshole, more football" and we move on.

If Roger Goodell is all freaked out about what might come out, and insists that the league has some "vested interest" in helping do some "crisis management" in an intramural dispute of this low a magnitude, just ask him: "Hey, don't you have a tight end in jail for murder right now?"

Or perhaps "got those hand warmers all lined up for your corporate clowns at this year's Superbowl?"

But hey, I'm sure this thing will be wrapped by Christmas, and Ted Wells' thorough report will be available in a faux-leather bound reader on

Hallelujiah, holy shit, where's the Tylenol!



  1. Damn Czabe, that solution would never work, it would require the people involved to have common sense.

  2. This seems impossible to me that everyone involved here is either a millionaire, or a billionaire... I thought Obama said they were all evil geniuses.

  3. How sad that I'm now a fan of a scumbag like Richie Incognito, just because he's easily the better person in this idiotic display of too-many-lawyers.