Friday, October 16, 2009

O Captain, My Captain....

You may have heard about the Warriors Stephen Jackson having his captaincy stripped/relinquished with the Golden State Warriors.

Yes, THAT Stephen Jackson. The same guy who once brandished a dust bucket at fans during the “Malice at the Palace.”



Golden State actually named him that. But not no more. Jackson gave it up after he was fined and suspended again by the team.

Jackson may be one of the WORST “Captain's” of all time. Let's take a look....

Captain Stephen Jackson
Golden State Warriors (ex)
STRENGTH: Attacking fans
WEAKNESS: Responsibility, strip clubs

Captain Crunch
1963 Quaker Oats Co. Cereal Creation
STRENGTH: Delicious and unique brown sugar and butter flavor.
WEAKNESS: Harsh corn squares tear up the roof of your mouth.

Captain Joseph Hazelwood
Skipper of the run aground Exxon Valdez
STRENGTH: Making amends for bad mistake
WEAKNESS: Seals have yet to forgive him.

Captain Queeg
Fictional character in Herman Wouk's 1951 novel The Caine Mutiny.
STRENGTH: Elaborate whodunnit searches for missing strawberries.
WEAKNESS: Crew hated him.

Captain and Tennile
AKA: “Daryl Dragon” - Pop Music Duo from late 70's.
STRENGTH: Peppy diddy's like “Love Will Keep Us Together”
WEAKNESS: Absolutely no “pimp hand” at home.

Captain Mark James
European Ryder Cup Captain, 1999 at Brookline
STRENGTH: Head shaped like a big ol' skin bullet
WEAKNESS: Totally fucked up Sunday singles by not playing his bench

Captain Matt Hasselback
Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks
STRENGTH: When healthy, a Top-5 QB in the NFL
WEAKNESS: “We'll take the ball, and we're gonna score.”

Captain Kangaroo
Bob Keeshan, kiddie show host on CBS from 1968-83
STRENGTH: Bangin' red wool blazer. Mustache.
WEAKNESS: Creepy as hell.

Captain Jack Sparrow
Constantly on the run captain of the Black Pearl
STRENGTH: Master of escape
WEAKNESS: Rum, women, hygiene.

Captain Merrill Stubing
Gavin McLeod, ABC's “The Love Boat”
STRENGTH: Calming, fatherly presence on the ship.
WEAKNESS: Tight white shorts

Captain Han Solo
Millenium Falcon
STRENGTH: Wisecracks, handsome
WEAKNESS: Has no idea how to fix his own ship, relies on Wookie.

Captain Lou Albano
Famed Wrestling Manager
STRENGTH: Always had a rubber band handy.
WEAKNESS: Dead now.

Captain Morgan
Premium Malt Liquor
STRENGTH: Goes great with coke.
WEAKNESS: Your head, tomorrow morning.


Jimmy Masterlock Time!

Last Week: 1-3
Season: 6-15


Green Bay -13.5 vs. Detroit
Pittsburgh -14 vs. Cleveland
Philly -14 at Oakland

Kansas City +6.5 at Washington


  1. You may be surprised to hear this, but intelligence isn't a prerequisite to play in the NBA.

    When my son was 4 years old, he pretty much figured out all you need to know to play basketball just from watching a few Wizards games.

    This may explain why basketball and the very similar games of soccer and hockey are the most popular international team sports.

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  3. Sorry had a misspelling...
    Excellent post, Czabe. I have had many a run-in with Captain Morgan and let me tell you, he's a baby compared to the effing Captain Everclear. Captain Everclear will make you go blind, forget a day and a half and can literally kill you, all for under ten dollars.
    That said, you should have mentioned Captain Tiberius Kirk, Starship Enterprise. Strength - Enough testosterone to let him take on a room full of Klingons; The only man to beat the computer at 3-Dimensional Chess. Weakness - Women of any color (even green); An ego the size of the Enterprise bridge itself.
    Thanks for the space to finally get this off my chest.

  4. Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce

    Strengths: A "top flight surgeon"
    Weakness: A drunken lech panty waist bleeding heart liberal