Friday, January 13, 2012

My Open Letter To Tim Tebow


Dear Tim,

Good luck on Saturday night in Foxboro against the Patriots. I'll be rooting for you.

Oh wait. Did I say “I'll be rooting for you?”

I meant to say... “I'll be rooting for you........ TO LOSE BY 40!”

Now look, don't take this personally. In fact, I'm sure you won't, seeing as how you are such a fine and humble young Christian man. Because you see, this isn't about you.

It's about your people. They are out of control. They cannot be reasoned with.

And wow, talk about a thin skin! Sheesh! One little knock against your – ahem – ingenious throwing motion, and I get accused of being a cross between Judas Iscariot and Rod Tidwell's brother Tee Pee: you know, the guy who never had anything positive to say while watching a game.

Your story is pretty amazing: you've gone from being a 1st round reach, to nearly cut, to starter and a 6 game winning streak, to bum who nearly cost your team a shot at the playoffs.... to a cult figure all in just two years.

But it's time that this little football tent revival gets shut down by a QB who is going to the Hall of Fame with a supermodel on his arm and a coach who doesn't mind sleeping with the team secretary or illegally videotaping other teams signals.

Tebowmania has been a fun little ride, but it's nothing more than a craze. And we've seen them come and go in sports and pop culture. Once upon a time, fans in stadiums did “the wave” and basketball players had hi-top fades with lines cut in the side.

MC Hammer was unquestionably cool, and replica puffy pants with fake zebra stripes called “Zubaz” were considered acceptable to wear in public.

The Run-N-Shoot once promised to revolutionize pro football, until teams found out at the most inconvenient times that holding a lead with that offense was about as effective as bringing your soup to lunch in a brown paper bag.

People who say you just need to learn how to throw a little better, are the same people who said we could turn sprinters like Willie Gault and Renaldo Skeets Neimiah into elite wide receivers if we can just get them to improve their hands.

You are fad like sticky wall walkers, or invisible dogs. You remind me of when the Rubiks Cube came out and it was the very wonder of my 8th grade existence. Oh wow! How can you solve this thing? It's like so, complicated!

Rumor had it one of your buddies had solved his Rubiks Cube, but it took almost a week. Still you were amazed. But then the next week, the Asian kid on the bus who's dad was a doctor could solve not just HIS, but YOURS too, all before the bus pulled into the parking lot!

Look, most of this is not your fault. The media has been very unfair to you. That's right, I said UN-fair. Because the media – ahem – ESPN, let's just say for example, has packaged, shined and hyped you to the moon and back, and milked you every step of the way.

I can assure you, there's never before been a 46% throwing quarterback on an 8-8 team that got the column inches, television features, or sports talk radio minutes as you.

And sadly, THIS has been the shallow dirty puddle of water which has bred hatred of your mediocre-ass quarterbacking like a swarm of mosquitoes in the summer.

Right now, the ride is all parade waves and roses. But trust me, when your game gets reverse engineered like a knockoff handbag at a counterfeiters convention, the backlash will be fierce. Because most NFL fans can sort out the steak form the gristle.

And just because Skip Bayless comes on TV and screams like the late Billy Mays insisting the league simply CANNOT live without you, it doesn't mean we are picking up the phone to buy it.

We know who the elite practitioners of this position are in the league. And you ain't one of them. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. Not with that gorilla-flinging-a-coconut motion of yours.

So it's really best that it all starts wrapping up now. The sooner for you to maybe transition to a more sustainable position like fullback or TE. Where, hey, you can still quote the Bible, hug sick kids, flex your guns at overturned replays on the bench, and Tebow in prayer until every single leper is cured.

Win win!

So good luck Timmy. Your fans now hate me more than ever. And no matter how bad you play on Saturday night, I can assure you that come Monday, they'll still say: I'm the bad guy.

Sincerely yours,

Steve Czaban
Radio Blowhard



24 comments:

  1. "It's about your people. They are out of control. They cannot be reasoned with.

    And wow, talk about a thin skin! Sheesh! One little knock against your – ahem – ingenious throwing motion, and I get accused of being a cross between Judas Iscariot and Rod Tidwell's brother Tee Pee: you know, the guy who never had anything positive to say while watching a game."

    It has nothing to do with being thin skinned it has everything to do with you doubling down on your stupid prediction. YOU WERE DEAD WRONG and instead of admitting it, you say that Tebow is lucky. You breakdown how Tebow's motion can't work in the NFL on a play that it DID WORK in the PLAYOFFS against the #1 DEFENSE in the league. It's your refusal to eat crow that has people giving you shit.

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  2. I think it's people like YOU who are more 'out of control' and 'cannot be reasoned with', Czabe.

    Look, you've made your point. We all get it.

    Whether on your website, on the radio, in blogs, podcasts ...... your point is valid.

    Tim Tebow's mechanics are not good at all. He has VERY little chance of correcting / altering muscle memory enough at this point in his life / career to be able to be a long term option at QB for an NFL team.

    And come on, Czabe. ... "One little knock against your – ahem – ingenious throwing motion" ... HA! That's rich. As IF this was your one and only mention of Tebow's shortcomings as a QB.

    Me, personally ... Years from now, I would much rather look back at this story fondly and be able to say, "that sure was fun watching Tebow prove everyone wrong for a few weeks. Remember when he came off the bench and led the Broncos to the playoffs?"

    If you would rather be the guy who sits back, arms folded, with a scowl on his face that is consumed with the "SEE! I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO! NA-NA-NA-BOO-BOO!" ...... then have it at I guess. But maybe you should just let it go, man. Just let it go. It's much more fun to watch him play waiting and wondering if something AWESOME will happen than to watch him play just hoping and wanting him to FAIL.

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    1. Do you look back fondly at Trent Dilfer's days as QB of the Ravens and think "boy that was fun watching Dilfer prove everyone wrong that he could win a Super Bowl." Or how about the QB who is actually playing in the NFC title game this weekend, Alex Smith? Former bust, seemingly nice guy in his own right. I don't see any ESPN specials on him. I have absolutely NOTHING against Tebow as a person. I have no doubt that he is everything he says he is. But he is a terrible QB. We've seen great streaks from mediocre QBs before (Rich Gannon NFL MVP anyone?), and NONE of them garnered this much attention. THAT is what's so frustrating to all the "haters."

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  3. Oh, and for the record .....

    I don't hate you. I agree with you most of the time. Your website is one of my few "must-see" websites everyday.

    We just happen to disagree on this one. So be it.

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  4. There is no common ground for this debate - fans are coming from a place of enjoyment of the story and marvel on the what if, while sport journalists are asked to be oracles and give insights into what will happen. Its impossible to have it both ways unless you are Peter King - who fans love and sports journalists hate. I know seemingly sane people who say that they would rather be wrong than to jinx any chance that Tebow may have at winning the Superbowl. What's a sports guy to do? Do we listen and read to get insight or do we just want them to lead the wave? As for me and my house...

    I like having Czabe on that wall - I need to have Czabe on that wall - Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? Czabe has a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Tebow and you curse the Patriots. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what Czabe knows: that Tebow's throwing motion, while tragic, won't land him in the Hall of Fame. And Czabe's existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to most, is right more than he is wrong...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at playoff parties, you want Czabe on that wall. You need Czabe on that wall.

    Czabe use words like coverage, scheme, intangibles...he uses these words as the backbone to a life spent understanding and explaining the game we love called NFL tackle football. You use 'em as a punchline. I don't see why he should take the time to explain himself to people who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very entertainment he provides, then questions the manner in which he provides it! I'm sure Czabe would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you start a blog and start to post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

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  6. So, now do I root against the Broncos like I was planning on doing, or do I root for the Broncos and watch Czabe eat his double-down "Tebow is going to suck against (insert team name here)"? Decisions, decisions.

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  7. Sorry Czabe, but you're just doubling down on wrong here.

    Tebow's fans are out of control. But his knee-jerk detractors like you are so, so, so much worse.

    He's a little like Sarah Palin in that way.

    I agree the media has gone way overboard on this, but guess what, YOU ARE PART OF THE MEDIA.

    If you're so convinced he's a horrible player, why don't you just ignore him and the ESPN-generated bs machine?

    If you're so convinced of his looming failure, why do you need to "root against him?"

    You attack ESPN for caring too much about him, but you care even more about ripping the guy apart.

    Your attacks on his reputation as a genuinely decent human being are charming as always.

    I've long been ambivalent about the guy, but stuff like this makes me start to like him.

    He pisses off all the right people, as they say.

    Think about it Czabe . . . when it comes to this, you're standing firmly alongside the likes of Bill Maher and those pigs from "The View."

    Think about it . . . .

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    1. You are so right James, Tebow and Palin are two peas in a pod, A fart in a hurricane, empty hats, whatever, neither one worth the press that they are currently getting. Look at Tebow's stats and tell me that that he deserves even a fraction of the press he's getting. I never want to see a player get seriously hurt, but I'll make an exception here. I want to see him get hit so hard that he leaves the field crying. THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!!!

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    2. You simultaneously missed my point while making it for me.

      Bravo.

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    3. Yeah, old Professor Jingles here is the epitome of "Fart in a Hurricane"

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    4. Has Czabe ever said Timmah isn't a great human being? It's just as fucking sickening listening to the Tebow backers scream "but how can you not want to support him, he's a great guy!" Guess what, Aaron Rodgers seems like a great guy. So does Drew Brees. Alex Smith. Phillip Rivers. The list goes on. But there aren't any ESPN specials being shown for those guys. There aren't furious backers of those guys willing to say anyone who doesn't support them is a "hater." Give it a rest. The guy's just not a good QB. Just as often as people say "yea, as soon as he loses, you'll pipe up when he sucks," those same people will be the first to shout from a mountaintop when he succeeds. See him for what he is - a bad QB, and a great person.

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  8. Also, I wanna see more pics of the snickie with leopard print hat. Smokin!

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  9. C-DUB hits it mostly and it can be proved.

    I'm in the kid's corner but I'm not an idiot. I expect him to lose to the Pats and it won't be a shocker. Life goes on. Czabe will jerk off and come back with the "I Told You So" post.

    But if this kid somehow figures out a way to win (especially with all the accounts that Brady is just now going into "serious" mode, whatever the hell that is) most people will be happy for him. Most. What will Czabe do? Why, his head will explode!!!!!

    But I did say C-DUB is mostly right. He's wrong about one thing. It's not that Czabe's out of control, it's that he's an asshole. And yes, I love his show too and I'll continue to listen to it and come to the site. But the need to be a total dick here is stupefying.

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  10. Czabe. You are Ahab. Fixated on the white whale (Tebow) to the point of obsession.

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  11. Kids, don't fool yourself. It is by far in Czabe's interest that Tebow DOES beat NE. That will have more people looking to him for some kind of retraction or admission by him. He doesn't hate Tebow; if anything, he loves him. Gets Czabe more attention as the jerk here. It's actually quite brilliant, this little heel act he's playing, And don't kid yourselves, it is an act. As I said on Twitter, he plays it so well Vince McMahon should bring him in as a bad guy for WrestleMania. Czabe is awesome, and his latest schtick is very comical.

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  12. So Czabe is going all in with Brady and the Pats. I am not saying NE should probably win but there is a reason they play the game.
    I am just curious what happens if *gasp* Denver wins today? Will Czabe admit he is wrong or continue giving us frame by frame analysis of why Tebow is not a good QB? Which by the way, ironically, is very similar to the instant replay that he claims to hate.

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  13. Why root against Tebow? What can you possibly not like about him? You are probably rooting against him so we can end this insane amount of coverage he gets. This amount of coverage is not his fault--never has Tebow asked for any amount of the spotlight. All he does is play football and donate an inordinate amount of his time to help the less fortunate (see Rick Reily's column). Why are you rooting against one of the good guys?

    If you are really looking for someone to root against this weekend, why not make it Ray "Murderer" Lewis? Instead of targeting your venemous acumen toward Tebow, why not instead take issue with a guy that was involved in a murder--whether he actually did the stabbing or not, Lewis knows who did it but chose to keep quiet. Granted he plays one hell of a football game, but would you rather your daughter date a guy like Tebow or a guy like Lewis? Ask yourself that before picking sides this weekend.

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  14. Regardless of intent, this is by far the douche-iest thing I have ever read from a professional.

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  15. I would like to point out that Tebow is being called over-rated by a guy who was fired in favor of Sreamin' A Smith, and has not had an original comedy bit on his B&B segment in a full decade.

    Probably shoukd spend more time on your schtick and less on Tebow, Czabe. Keep up the "never was funny" donkey jokes, & the "was funny for a week" Jimmy Masterbate Duggins picks that are still better than your NFL "analysis".

    And for the record, I think Tebow is not a NFL caliber QB, but will root for him because he makes asshats like Czaban and Tom Jackson squirm.

    In short Czabe, to quote Tebow's favorite guy, you better spend a whole lot more time taking the plank out of your own eye than you do pointing out the speck in Tebow's.

    Oh...wait...did I just see a Redskin during the playoffs? Oh, wait, it was just a Geico commercial. Nevermind.

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  16. Na-na-na-boo-boo!
    They only lost by 35!

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  17. Czabe-this is just brutal. You really need to have a writer come Ina help you with the shtick. I'm not kidding- you're just not naturally funny- few are. You do have a lively show but it's becoming apparent that the "comedy" has suffered when I read something like this.

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