Friday, February 1, 2013

Poll: Super Bowl Party Parasites

The Glutton
This guy sees your elaborate spread of food and thinks: "I'm going to take this entire thing down!"

The Gambler
The guy who rocks back and forth nervously, only to punctuate the room with loud angry expletives at random moments, likely due to heavy prop bets  or obscure over/unders.

The Armchair GM
This guy doesn't like a single player on the field for either team, and relishes trying to tell you how only he can spot said player's deficiencies.

The Guy Who Knows Just Enough to Be Dangerous
This guy blurts out half-true things that lead to awkward moments where you think about helping to correct him, only to give up because it would be pointless. Example: "I love how the Harbaugh brothers are twins. I think that's so cool."

The Seat Hogger
This guy takes his place in the perfect "A" position at least 1 hour before kickoff, and NEVER moves, fearing any periphery movement as a possible sneak assault on his couch spot.

The Careless Dad
This guy has two kids with him that run roughshod through the host's house, without any corrective parenting from pops. A guy who is likely a combination of all of the above.


  1. The "GLUTTON" also, most likely, either showed up empty-handed or with a half eaten bag of Cheetos.

  2. Super Bowl parties suck; either watch the game or throw a party. The few I have gone to have the football fans trying to watch the game and tune out the yappers talking. Then when something exciting happens all the yappers look up and go, "What happened?"

  3. The careless dad, hands down. Keep your messy assed, sticky fingers kid under control! Better yet, leave him at home with a babysitter.

    jgruendl, very true. The SB party I attend consists only of select invitees who will actually pay attention to the damn game. The hosts do an excellent job of keeping all the yappers out of the mix until the first spring BBQ

  4. The Non-Sports Fan,
    Guy who ask "so how is work going for you" during the final drive of the 4th quarter.

    This actually happened to me during the Eagles/Patriots Super Bowl.

  5. My vote is also for the Non-Sports Fan. The hair on the back of my neck stands up when they arrive and proudly proclaim, "I don't care about the game, I just want to see all the new commercials." Commercial watchers need to be segregated, placed in a different room with their own TV.

  6. I voted for the KJETBD guy. He'll usually convince a couple of the guest that he actually knows wtf he's talking about and stupidity er I mean discussion ensues. I stay at home.

  7. Sadly enough, we are all glutton's at my super bowl party. This year we catered 6lbs of bbq pork, 6lbs of roast beef in gravy, 4lbs of cheesy potatoes, 4lbs of parsley and butter potatoes, 3lbs of pasta salad, 8 dozed wings, a few dozen mini beef wellington's, taco dip, other various chips and dips, brownies and cheesecake tarts. And I feel like im forgetting something. We have eleven guys.

    I had to vote for GM guy. We have one of those at our party that hates any and all players and coaches who ever lived. It gets a little old listening to him by the time they flip the coin.

    Also, we don't have any kids at our party or it would be a no brainer to vote for the guy with the unruly kids. Hopefully this poll will be an eye opener to that guy who brings his snot nosed brats to terrorize some poor bastards party.

    Go Niners! And thank god for the invention of antacids.

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