Thursday, February 21, 2013

Top 10 Rejected Ski Tourism Slogans

To everyone who just LOVES their skiing, don't take this personally.

Good for you!

Yeaaaahhhh... skiing!

Hell, I am skiing right now with my family, so what does that say? That I was forced at bayonet-point by my wife and kids to strap on the ol' Rossignol's (do they make them anymore?) for some hap-hap-happy-wintertime-fun?

No, I was not. I am here in Vermont (particular resort name withheld due to lack of promotional considerations to this popular website) at my own free will.

And by "free will" I mean that my 10 year old daughter would simply never leave me alone again if we didn't do this because she's too young yet to realize that skiing gets increasingly boring and dangerous as you age.

So as I was sitting on a chairlift, watching my big toes slowly "code out" to frostbite, contemplating this "exhilarating" outdoor winter activity, I imagined all the very true slogans the ski industry would never, ever, ever want to get out there to people who don't yet ski, but have been thinking about it.

Here's my Top 10.

10. Lift Lines: The Most Boring Place on Earth
9. Sure, That 8 Month Knee Rehab Was Totally Worth Getting 3 Feet of Air
8. Name Anybody Famous That Ever Died Skiing, Besides Sonny Bono, Natasha Richardson, and That Idiot Kennedy Kid. Go Ahead, I Dare You. Yeah, That's What I Thought.
7. Skiing: You Will Be Cold
6. Skiing: Nope, The Boots Still Suck
5. Skiing: Fun For The Whole Family (Just, Not Yours)
4. With A Hot Young Girlfriend, It's Not Bad. But Then Again, Doing Anything Else With Her Is Totally Awesome.
3. Skiing: More Flaps, Buckles, Straps, Hooks, Loops, and Clamps Then You Will Ever Know
2. Skiing: Oh Yeah, It's Slightly Expensive.
1. Skiing: Seriously, F*** The Slopes And Just Drink in Front of The Fireplace


  1. I remember those wealthy kids coming to school with their Ski Jackets with their patches and ski passes hanging from their zippers. Even then I wasn't impressed.

    1. If you still remember it, you were impressed. lol

  2. I went for the first time at the age of 30. I was reluctant to go because I know of three people who have broken/torn a crucial body part, but my wife grew up skiing (so I had to appease her).

    We had a group of 8 friends. One of them broke their collar bone. I had fun and escaped unscathed. I am one on done on this experience. Why test fate.

  3. Skiing is for toddlers and old bluehairs. Getcha a snowboard, czabe.

  4. You are right on the money Czabe. When I've gone in the last 5 years, it is mostly with friends and it is simply time in between drinking. The one time I went with family, it sucked. Takes forever to get everyone ready, it is expensive, the youngest only wants to do the bunny hill, the oldest takes the chairlift but is then scared shitless all the way down and purposely falls 5 times. How is this supposed to equate to fun. The only joy is in spraying the packs of snowboarders who enjoying clogging up the space right off the lifts. Extra bonus: For those of us on high deductible health care plans,it feels like a game of Russian roulette.

    1. Regarding #8, NFL Hall of Famer Doak Walker also bought it on the slopes. So there.

  5. My cousin just sustained a major concussion and a badly displaced wrist fracture snowboarding 2 days ago. Those are the two most common snowboard injuries and he sustained both at same time. With actual skiing it is ACL tears, clavicle fractures, and thumb ligament tears that are the most common. Don't even have to be going very fast to tear ACL skiing. Many of those occur on the "bunny hill" in what looks like a very minor fall, but place a huge lever (ski) to your foot and now you just magnify the forces. Fun sport? Those who love it, really love it. Me? Won't ever catch me or my wife and kids on a hill. But, the sport is good for business....I work in orthopedics. There is a reason a Dr Steadman became a famous ACL surgeon...His practice was in Vail, CO.

  6. Circa 30 years ago in new mexico or colorado...near blizzard conditions and one of the staff proclaimed bluntly: "only you idiots from texas would ski on a day like this." Yup, that's us!